1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.”
2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands:
3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession.
4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”
5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins.
6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House.
7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie.
8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky.
9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.
10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.
11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:
12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?
13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.
14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”
15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.
16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.
17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.
18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”