Tag Archives: Republican

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

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1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:


4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

April 15, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The first ever picture of a black hole was taken this week. And, purely out of reflex, Republicans tried to take away its voting rights.

2. According to a new study, 1 in 13 boys in the U.S. have sex before they reach their teenage years. Which is weird, because I thought way more boys were Catholic. 

3. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. “Who are these men that are reluctant to masturbate in certain places?” said everyone who has every ridden the A-train.

4. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. That story again, Lindsay Lohan is finally getting some work.

5. In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphins’ vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. The study revealed a lot about the anatomy of dolphins and even more about the anatomy of those scientists’ wives.

6. After facing additional charges stemming from her role in the recent college-admissions cheating scandal, actress Lori Loughlin has reportedly reached out to Lindsay Lohan’s former crisis manager for help. Said the crisis manager, “Hello, cocaine here.” 

7. On Thursday, Michael Avenatti, was indicted and charged with 36 counts of fraud, perjury, failure to pay taxes, embezzlement and other financial crimes. Which all begs the question, how was he not Trump’s lawyer?

8. According to reports, President Trump recently told his aides that White House adviser Stephen Miller is in charge of all immigration and border issues. The way immigration will now work is you’ll be able to come into the country if you can answer all three of Miller’s riddles:

9. This week, Congressman and MIT graduate Thomas Massie attempted to discredit former Secretary of State John Kerry by getting him to admit that his bachelor’s degree in political science from Yale was not really a science degree. Begging the question, can MIT rescind a degree?

10. Xander Schauffele, who was alone atop the leaderboard for a brief moment during the  final round  of the Masters on Sunday, said falling short to Tiger Woods in a major tournament was like a dream. And I don’t know what makes me sadder for Schauffele, his heart-breaking loss or his shitty dreams.

11. Trump advisor Stephen Miller wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in what he referred to as “tent cities.” Not to be confused with fort cities, which is what Eric turned the White House situation room into:

12. According to ‘Politico,’ while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon, President Trump couldn’t understand why George Washington didn’t name the compound after himself, saying, “If he was smart, he would have put his name on it.” Which is crazy, because of all people, you’d think Trump would have learned the downside of naming things after yourself:

 13. On Tuesday, Magic Johnson announced that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations of the Los Angeles Lakers, saying “I want to go back to having fun.” Which is ironic, because having too much fun was what led to his 1991 announcement.

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

August 31, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, social media personality and self-proclaimed “conspiracy analyst” Michael Lebron, visited President Trump in the Oval Office. That story again, the White House hosted a noted conspiracy theorist and some dude named Michael Lebron.

2. There is a rumor circulating that President Trump fathered an illegitimate child. “I categorically deny all allegations that that child is mine,” said President Trump of Eric.

3. A disgruntled New York Knicks fan auctioned off his fandom for $3,450 and will spend the coming season rooting for the Los Angeles Lakers. And he has a point, the Knicks are such a terrible organization and so bad at making deals, they some how owe $3,000 of that $3,450 fee. 

4. Comedian Eddie Murphy announced that he will become a dad for the tenth time at the age of 57. Sounds like Eddie might want to be a little less nutty of a professor.

5. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was not invited to this week’s memorial services for John McCain. But, to be fair, she’s already buried him once:

6. A juror who voted to convict Paul Manafort and who is also a Trump supporter said it would be a mistake for the President to pardon Manafort. Adding, “And I know mistakes, I voted for Trump.”

7. Republican Senator James Inhofe told reporters Monday that the late Senator John McCain was “partially to blame” for the controversy over the raising the American flag at the White House after flying at half-mast for only one day. Look, I don’t believe you should speak ill of the dead, luckily that shithead James Inhofe is still alive, so fuck him.

8. A study published Monday found that low levels of chemicals in marijuana were measurable in several mothers’ breast milk up to six days after they said they smoked pot. Which I guess explains why most babies just lie around all day and do nothing.

9. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” That story again, President Trump definitely Googles himself every day.

10. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” Other things that Trump thinks are rigged include elections, Time’s Man of the Year award, and mirrors.

11. Boston Red Sox star J.D. Martinez stood behind a 2013 Instagram post that attributed a fake quote to Adolf Hitler. Even worse, this is the quote:

12. According to a new study, 1 in 50 airplane passengers meet the love of their life on board an plane. While the other 49 end up sitting next to this guy:

13. President Trump on Tuesday unblocked some Twitter users after a federal judge said preventing people from following him violated individuals constitutional rights. So to those recently unblocked Twitter users I say “Congratulations?”

14. According to the CDC, rates of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia have climbed for the fourth consecutive year in the United States. That story again, seems like Colin Farrell is back to dating.

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.

May 11, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This year, a 132-pound ovarian tumor was removed from a 38-year-old Connecticut woman. Not to be outdone, this woman got rid of a 230-pound tumor this year:

2. Film producer Harvey Weinstein is fighting back against insurer Chubb, saying they must pay for his legal defense against 11 lawsuits that accuse him of sexually harassment. But much like every robe Weinstein has ever owned, Chubb said there’s no way they can possibly cover it all.

3. After President Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal this week, the Supreme Leader of Iran said, Trump, “will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.” “Man, that’s a pretty harsh sentence,” said snakes and ants.

4. According to a new study, Hispanic drivers are at twice the risk of falling asleep at the wheel compared to white drivers. Begging the question, is the ‘J’ in Billy Joel silent?

5. Over the weekend, the original manuscript for Alcoholics Anonymous was sold to an NFL team owner for $2.4 million. That’s not surprising, you’d have to be pretty drunk to buy the Cleveland Browns.

6. A Colorado woman has been charged with destruction of property after she allegedly blew up microwave in a 7/11 store while trying to heat up a container of urine before a drug test. Said the store owner, “If you like warm piss, we have some unrefrigerated Mountain Dew in the back.”

7. In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard fund the skeleton of a 16,000 year old horse. And I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the long-dead horse or the guy forced garden with his wife.

8. The governing body of world athletics has suspended five Russian race walkers from competition for training with a banned coach. So I stand corrected, being a competitive race walker is apparently not rock bottom.

9. Last week, during a tense NHL playoff hockey game, a Boston Bruin attempted to lick one of his opponents. “I’m okay with it, as along as those two aren’t married,” said DJ Khalid.

10. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he feels pretty good about his recent media appearances because “everyone is reacting to us now.” “Agreed,” said a guy who pulled out his dick in a Starbucks.

11. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. But added, “If it’s not sunny out, I’ll settle for a lukewarm dog”:

12. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. He also said he enjoys “partaking in American style foot ball and creamed ice.”

13. According to reports, people close to Senator John McCain have told the White House that he does not want President Trump to attend to his funeral. And, to rub it in even more, McCain wants his funeral to take place on the back nine of the Trump International Golf Course.

14. Last weekend, a Chipotle threw a burrito-themed baby shower for a couple who given birth to their child in the restaurant’s parking lot. “If they start celebrating every time someone ‘gives birth’ to a six-pound, seven ounce bundle, they’ll never get anything done around here,” said everyone waiting line to use the bathroom.

15. On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother, Greg Pence, won the Republican nomination for his congressional bid in Indiana. Two Pences on the prowl D.C., you know what that means, hide your ladies, no seriously they don’t like being around women.

16. According to a new poll, less than one in three Americans agrees with President Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the Iran nuclear deal. While the other third, just heard ‘Trump’ and ‘pull out’ and immediately said yes:

17. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un related three imprisoned American citizens into the custody of America. Adding, “Now Mr. Trump, you release your hostage”:

18. According to reports, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President following the 2016 election to potential clients. “How much would fifteen minutes and a hug cost?” said Don Jr.

19. President Trump’s new attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told CNN on Thursday that Trump “wasn’t aware” his longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President to potential clients following the 2016 election. Added Giuliani, “But if you give me $15,000, you can ask Trump that question yourself.”

20. According to a new study, fathers who exercise may have smarter babies. “That’s impressive, but according to my study, the cow goes ruff,” said Don Jr.

21. On Monday, billionaire investor Warren Buffett compared bitcoin to rat poison. “That’s ridiculous, I can’t feed bitcoin to my daughter,” said Casey Anthony.

22. Comedian Ken Jeong, who is a trained physician, stopped in the middle of a performance and attended to a fan in the crowd who was having a seizure. Said Carrot Top, “I cannot even imagine that, what’s it like to have a fan?”

March 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Trump on Tuesday ordered an end to special legal status for certain immigrants from Liberia. Said Trump, “They don’t deserve special status just because they’re around books all day.”

2. President Trump announced Wednesday he will replace his Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin with White House physician Ronny Jackson. Which is definitely a promotion, because any job where you no longer have to see Trump naked is a promotion.

3. Last week, President Trump said he would like to be interviewed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Adding, “As long as his first question isn’t ‘How do you spell Special Counsel’”:

4. Craigslist announced on Friday that it will no longer operate its personal ads section, the part of the website that allowed individuals to meetup. So now you’ll have to find a new way to be murdered by a stranger.

5. This week, a Patek Philippe watch once owned by Egypt’s King Farouk sold for $912,500 at a Christie’s auction in Dubai. Unfortunately that’s not a payday that President Trump can cash in on, since he doesn’t wear a watch to tell time, instead he just looks directly at the sun:

6. A New York State court on Thursday rejected Lindsay Lohan’s appeal accusing the maker of “Grand Theft Auto V” of invading her privacy, concluding that video game character that the actress said was based on her did not resemble her. The deciding factor was the character in the video game was still relevant.

7. More than 140 whales died on Friday after being stranded on a beach in Australia. And yet, somehow, that’s still not the most blubber ever spotted on the beach:

8. NASCAR was forced to postpone its scheduled race on Sunday due to snow. It is the first time NASCAR had to cancel an event because things were too white.

9. It was alleged in a recent interview, that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face. Or, as Seal calls it, the start of her career:

10. According to reports, President Trump is denying that he had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels by saying she’s not his type. Which I guess means she has a small bladder.

11. In the wake of the Story Daniels allegations, people in D.C. have reportedly taken to calling President Trump “Spanky” behind his back. Which, considering the view, is one of the nicer names you could call him:

12. On Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders suggested that President Trump hasn’t responded to Stormy Daniels claims because the president can’t respond to every allegation as “has a country to run.” Yes, clearly he’s focusing on the important issues:

13. President Trump, speaking before a crowd of union builders on Thursday in Ohio, said he’s better at being president than he was at being a builder. So if you live in a Trump building, get out quick!

14. According to inside sources, investigators probing whether Donald Trump’s presidential campaign colluded with Russia have been questioning witnesses about events at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Said Trump, “You can’t prove I was there”: