Tag Archives: Columbus

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

June 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, President Obama designated the Stonewall Inn in New York City as the country’s first national LGBT monument. Making it the eleventh national monument that J. Edgar Hoover wore a dress in.

2. Apartment-sharing startup Airbnb is in talks for a new round of funding that would value the company at $30 billion. “I wish I was able to monetize people waking up in strangers’ beds,” said Bill Cosby.

3. Former rap producer Suge Knight sued singer Chris Brown on Monday in connection with a shooting at a Hollywood nightclub in 2014 that left him wounded. Although, that doesn’t sound like the work of Brown considering Knight is a guy.

4. When asked by an Irish minister if she was well, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth replied, “Well, I’m still alive. “Well, tomorrow’s another day,” said Prince Charles.

5. On Tuesday, the Columbus International Airport was officially named after astronaut John Glenn. Not surprising that they named the airport after an astronaut, because when you find yourself in Columbus, your instinct is to get as far away as humanly possible.

6. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will appear as a hero in an upcoming Marvel comic book. Because, apparently, Marvel didn’t learn its lesson regarding Canadians playing superheroes after Ryan Reynolds’ turn “Green Lantern.”

7. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. Apparently, justing making one film left too many open questions, like “Why did you make this?” and “How did this happen?”

8. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. The news was met with many angry birds:
middle finger

9. An artist in Arkansas is selling a life-sized dummy of presidential candidate Donald Trump for $895. The doll has a feathered wig and an orange-painted face, in other words, it’s extremely lifelike.

10. According to the Washington Post, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has only donated $10,000 to charity in the past ten years. Although, to be fair, giving jobs to Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman should count as charity.

January 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A German meals-on-wheels charity apologized this week after serving three senior citizens dog food that was incorrectly labeled as venison. But, on the plus-side, Nana’s coat has never looked so shiny.

2. The Oregon farmers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on January 2nd have asked supporters to send supplies like food and water, but instead have received gag gifts like sex toys, glitter and nail polish. “Oh, those were gag gifts,” said one disappointed farmer.

3. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz failed to disclose a loan from Goldman Sachs for $500,000 that helped finance his successful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign. It’s a bad sign for you’re presidential campaign when you’re hiding financial information and an even worse sign when you’re the bad guy in a story about Goldman Sachs.

4. A new study found that women in the United States are waiting longer than ever to have babies, with the average age for first childbirth rising to a record high of 26.3 years. “Does no one want to be a star?” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

5. A Pennsylvania man who traveled to Arizona to have sex with a horse before being nabbed by undercover police was sentenced on Thursday to 18 months probation. “Only 18-months probation!?! That definitely wasn’t worth it,” said the undercover cop who was the back part of the horse costume.

6. A new, 122-foot dinosaur skeleton to be unveiled on Friday at New York’s American Museum of Natural History is too big to fit in the fossil hall. Said the skeleton, “I bet you say that to all the dinosaur fossils.”

7. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, when referencing Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s ability to be president, Donald Trump said there’s a big question mark on Cruz’s head. Because, apparently Trump doesn’t understand irony or own a mirror.

8. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, John Kasich said he was sure that Democrat Bernie Sanders would not be president. In what has to be the best example ever of the phrase, “It takes one, to know one.”

9. Tuesday night, Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, attended the State of the Union speech in Washington D.C. Said gay couples in Kentucky, “Quick, now’s our chance.”

10. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone and Oscar moving to a recycling bin. Said Oscar, “Elmo gets a brownstone and I get a fucking recycling bin? Yeah, I’m definitely voting for Bernie Sanders.”

11. Walt Disney’s new theme park in Shanghai is slated to open on June 16th. On that day, Chinese kids will start enjoying the theme park as opposed to building it.

12. It was announced this week that Barnum & Bailey will stop using elephants in their shows starting this May. “You know they whip us,” said the lions.

13. The world famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who knows how to get the smell of old people and gonorrhea out of a rug.

14. On Friday, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney voiced his support for current candidate Ted Cruz by tweeting “@tedcruz is a ‘natural born citizen.’” Because no one knows what a natural citizen looks like more than a robot from Utah.

15. Last week, the federal government unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines which recommend that people eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grain. Thus combining two things that Americans love, eating healthy food and reading.

16. Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag featuring shirts and hats covered in pictures of pepperoni pizzas. Although, by the look of most Pizza Hut customers, they can get pepperoni pizza on their shirts all by themselves.

17. A group of Lebanese students have designed a ‘smart suitcase’ that follows its owner. “Yes, but can it throw itself at my assistant?” said Naomi Campbell.

18. On January 1st, Pfizer raised prices for more than 100 of its drugs. “Which ones?” said very nervous, panicky middle-aged men.

19. A judge in Columbus wrote a poem to let a prisoner suing an Ohio penitentiary for “emotional distress” know that his lawsuit was being denied and read it in court. As a result, all those in attendance are now suing the judge for emotional distress.

20. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher with orders received for almost four times the print run. Said the publisher, “Oh, this was a terrible idea.”