March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

March 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Tuesday ordered an end to special legal status for certain immigrants from Liberia. Said Trump, “They don’t deserve special status just because they’re around books all day.”

2. President Trump announced Wednesday he will replace his Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin with White House physician Ronny Jackson. Which is definitely a promotion, because any job where you no longer have to see Trump naked is a promotion.

3. Last week, President Trump said he would like to be interviewed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Adding, “As long as his first question isn’t ‘How do you spell Special Counsel’”:

4. Craigslist announced on Friday that it will no longer operate its personal ads section, the part of the website that allowed individuals to meetup. So now you’ll have to find a new way to be murdered by a stranger.

5. This week, a Patek Philippe watch once owned by Egypt’s King Farouk sold for $912,500 at a Christie’s auction in Dubai. Unfortunately that’s not a payday that President Trump can cash in on, since he doesn’t wear a watch to tell time, instead he just looks directly at the sun:

6. A New York State court on Thursday rejected Lindsay Lohan’s appeal accusing the maker of “Grand Theft Auto V” of invading her privacy, concluding that video game character that the actress said was based on her did not resemble her. The deciding factor was the character in the video game was still relevant.

7. More than 140 whales died on Friday after being stranded on a beach in Australia. And yet, somehow, that’s still not the most blubber ever spotted on the beach:

8. NASCAR was forced to postpone its scheduled race on Sunday due to snow. It is the first time NASCAR had to cancel an event because things were too white.

9. It was alleged in a recent interview, that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face. Or, as Seal calls it, the start of her career:

10. According to reports, President Trump is denying that he had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels by saying she’s not his type. Which I guess means she has a small bladder.

11. In the wake of the Story Daniels allegations, people in D.C. have reportedly taken to calling President Trump “Spanky” behind his back. Which, considering the view, is one of the nicer names you could call him:

12. On Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders suggested that President Trump hasn’t responded to Stormy Daniels claims because the president can’t respond to every allegation as “has a country to run.” Yes, clearly he’s focusing on the important issues:

13. President Trump, speaking before a crowd of union builders on Thursday in Ohio, said he’s better at being president than he was at being a builder. So if you live in a Trump building, get out quick!

14. According to inside sources, investigators probing whether Donald Trump’s presidential campaign colluded with Russia have been questioning witnesses about events at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Said Trump, “You can’t prove I was there”:

June 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Costa Rican President Luis Guillermo Solis Rivera accidentally swallowed a wasp while speaking to reporters. Of course, the last time President Trump encountered a wasp he made her Secretary of Education:

2. Yesterday, Mattel unveiled a new line of Ken dolls, one of which, has a man bun. Just like the previous versions, this doll is not anatomically correct, but, thanks to the man bun, it no longer matters.

3. Megyn Kelly’s interview with conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, which aired on NBC Sunday night, got lower ratings than a rerun of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.’ Given the chance to watch people publicly embarrass and demean themselves on national TV, the public chose to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ instead.

4. A trove of original Nazi artifacts, including a bust of Adolf Hitler and intricate wooden boxes designed with Swastikas, was discovered hidden in an art collectors home in Argentina. “That’s crazy,” said Steve Bannon, “why would you hide that stuff?”

5. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. And, according to one respondent, 100% of Oval Office workers:

6. People are reportedly sending hate mail to the wrong Shakespeare companies across the country, blaming them for the New York Public Theater’s controversial production of ‘Julius Caesar.’ And even less informed people are sending death threats to Shakespeare himself.

7. Last week, Beyonce gave birth to twins. Luckily she has ample experience supporting two free-loaders:

8. On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Republicans will release the text of their healthcare bill tomorrow. Which can only mean one thing, they plan to vote on it today.

9. The PGA Tour said on Tuesday it will begin blood testing next season and will revise its list of banned substances. And, in a related story, Tiger Woods has retired from golf.

10. This week, NASA said it wants to send an expedition to Uranus to probe for gas. That story again, NASA is now run by six-year-olds.

May 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Britain intentionally slept next to his wife’s dead body for six days. “Ugh, gross, who sleeps next to their wife?” said Bill Clinton.

2. A woman is reportedly suing American Airlines for $10 million after they lost her dead daughters’ ashes. Even worse, her daughter was alive when they got on the plane.

3. According to ‘Forbes,’ rapper Jay-Z is worth $810 million dollars. Or, more accurately, just one more Lemonade album away from being worth $405 million.

4. According to a new survey, when asked to describe President Trump in one word, the most common answers were ‘idiot’ and ‘incompetent.’ Said President Trump, “Hey, that’s two words.”

5. A self-proclaimed Nazi legally changed his name to ‘Hitler’ after losing custody of all nine of his children who he named after Third Reich figures. Here’s an idea, stop letting this guy name things.

6. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to claim that he coined the phrase ‘priming the pump.’ But, in Trump’s defense, he’s been living separately from Melania for a long time and a man has urges.

7. In a new interview, President Trump said he’s “very proud” of his tax returns. But he has mixed-feelings about his tax deductions:

8. Paris Hilton claims that she invented the selfie. Maybe, but that’s definitely not why doctors refer to her as ‘patient zero.’

9. President Trump created a commission on Thursday to investigate voter fraud a move that follows Trump’s unsubstantiated claims of massive voter fraud in the 2016 election. And, something tells me, the commission will find exactly 2,833,221 cases of voter fraud:

10. On Wednesday, John Thompson, the director of the Census Bureau, announced his intentions to resign. Thompson wants to spend more time at home counting his family.

11. A college lacrosse team in Pennsylvania changed its entrance music to a remix of a Donald Trump speech. Which, I believe, is the whitest sentence ever written.

12. A man with a criminal record of exposing himself to women, was briefly hired as a vice principal at a Pennsylvania high school. But, in the school’s defense, the position of gym teacher was already filled.

13. During the French presidential election on Sunday, a record number of voters turned in blank ballots which counted as votes for no one. Unlike the recent U.S. election, where a blank, all-white ballot counted as a vote for Trump.

14. According to a new study, swearing while working out can increase one’s tolerance for pain, leading to a better workout. And, in a related story, Samuel L. Jackson has been named the World’s Strongest Man.

15. Ukraine has banned American action star Steven Seagal as a national security threat. Or, more likely, they were banning Kim Jong Un by describing him as an overweight man who wears a kimono and, naturally, Seagal got swept up in the description.

16. Late Tuesday night, press secretary Sean Spicer held a makeshift press conference on the lawn of the White House with no cameras or lights. And I can think of no better metaphor for a Spicer press conference than, at the end of it, still being completely in the dark.

17. According to a new report, more older couples are living together without getting married. But apparently the complete opposite is true if only one member of the couple is elderly:

18. Scientists in Britain have discovered the fossils of the world’s oldest vegetarian dinosaur. So, now the new theory concerning extinction, is that this dinosaur kept talking about his diet and all the other dinosaurs died of boredom.

April 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the ‘New York Post,’ Huma Abedin is open to and working on saving her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In fact, the couple was spotted out together last week:

2. The White House announced last week that President Trump turned down an offer to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ home opener. Which makes sense, because as Putin tells it, he’s more of a catcher.

3. Jon Gosselin from “Jon and Kate Plus 8” is now stripping in New Jersey. And the crazy thing is he’s still not the former-reality TV star least qualified for his current job:

4. Two black female employees of Fox News have accused a white executive of racial harassment in a recently filed lawsuit. Said the exec, “In my defense, I thought they were the same woman.”

5. A 45-pound sculpture of Beyonce made 100% out of cheese debuted last week in New York City. To put that in perspective, that is just 10% more cheese than the real Adele is usually comprised of.

6. Last week, Toronto set the record for largest crowd dressed as Albert Einstein. The previous record was held by Bernie Sanders in a hall of mirrors.

7. A couple is suing Georgia after the state prevented them from naming their newborn daughter “Allah.” “Oh now you care?” said the kid’s older brother a picture of the prophet Mohamed.

8. The anonymous bidders who bought President Trump’s childhood home in Queens last week for $2.1 million are rumored to be from China. Although, the most valuable Trump property is still owned by Russia:

9. A Kansas man was recently banned for donating 32 gallons of blood to the American Red Cross over the past 64 years. “Oh, so when he produces that much blood, he’s a hero,” said O.J.

10. Last week, a paralyzed man in Cleveland fed himself mashed potatoes for the first time in years with the aid of a computer chip implanted in his brain that sent messages to the muscles in his arm. Although, to be fair, it took a few times to get it right considering he started out with a baked potato.

February 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Which is a nice start, but, as everyone knows, there is only one way to get rid of her for good:

wicked-witch

2. On Thursday, ‘View’ host Whoopi Goldberg invited Tiffany Trump to sit with her at an upcoming fashion show after reports that the First Daughter was shunned by some during New York’s Fashion Week. Upon seeing a picture of Whoopi sitting next to Tiffany, Donald said, “Which one’s Tiffany again?”

3. Scientists at Harvard claim they are only two years away from bringing the woolly mammoth back from extinction. “Ugh, I have to wait a full two years to shoot one?” said a disappointed Don Trump Jr.

4. According to reports, Burger King is in talks to buy Popeye’s. “Well, that’ll cut down on my daily commute,” said Chris Christie.

5. Yesterday, retired Vice Admiral Robert Harward, President Donald Trump’s choice to replace Michael Flynn as national security adviser, reportedly turned down the offer. Because any good Vice Admiral knows not to jump aboard a sinking ship. 

6. According to a new study, firstborn children tend to be the smartest. So here’s a scary thought, Rob Gronkowski has a younger brother.

7. A U.S. appeals court on Thursday struck down a Florida law that barred doctors from asking patients about gun ownership, ruling that the law violated doctors’ right to free speech. Although I still think it’s unprofessional for my urologist to ask me if that’s a gun in my pocket or if I’m just happy to see him.

8. This week, a dashboard camera caught a lost helicopter pilot landing on a highway in Kazakhstan to ask for directions. Unfortunately, if you ask anyone in Kazakhstan how to get out of Kazakhstan the answer is always, “I was hoping you knew.”

9. The Nigerian media claims that a woman recently gave birth to goat after a two-year pregnancy. Immediately after publishing the far-fetched tory, the Nigerian media was given a prominent seat in the White House press room.

10. According to reports, NBC is in talks to revive “American Idol.” And it couldn’t be better timing as Americans have shown how good they are at voting.

11. A tour guide at a Tanzanian game park has been arrested after wrongly translating a tourist’s comments about the country and its people. It is a crime in Tanzania to misrepresent other people’s statements, or, as Sean Spicer calls it, a career.

12. According to a new study, high schools that start at 8:30 a.m. or later see an increase in attendance and graduation rates. And, according to a study conducted by Secretary of Eduction Betsy DeVos, schools that start in the winter see a decrease in bear attacks.

13. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently revealed that they receive about 1.5 million calls from constituents a day. A number that I’m sure Schumer picked for no reason whatsoever:

trump-1-5

14. According to TMZ, actor George Clooney and his wife Amal are pregnant with twins. Begging the question, is Beyonce gonna have to cut a bitch?

15. The Forest Green Rovers, dubbed the ‘greenest’ soccer club in the world, are planning to build a sustainable, eco-friendly stadium with a small carbon footprint made entirely out of wood. I never thought I’d say this, but can we talk more about soccer?

16. According to police, for years inmates at a medium-security Atlanta prison have been escaping, going into town to buy supplies and sneaking back into jail. Begging the question, how shitty is Atlanta that a bunch of inmates broke out, looked around and decided to voluntarily return to prison?

January 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Inside sources say, for the past 30 years, the first thing President-elect Donald Trump does every morning is read news clippings that are all about him. Unfortunately, now the rest of America does so as well.

2. According to Billboard, Mozart sold more CDs than Beyonce in 2016. Said Kanye, “I’m gonna let you finish Mozart, but Salieri had the best album this year!”

3. Actor Tom Arnold is claiming he has unused tapes from “The Apprentice” that feature President-elect Donald Trump using inflammatory and racist language. I never thought I’d say this, but where the hell have you been Tom Arnold?

4. According to a new study, children are more likely to become overweight or obese during summer vacation than during the school year. As if you needed further proof that Honey Boo Boo has never been to school.

5. A Georgia man was arrested last week after authorities said he hit his girlfriend with a workbook from his anger management class. Said the man, “I was skeptical that this workbook would help, but I do feel a lot better now.”

6. According to research, school attendance improves when girls in sub-Saharan Africa are taught about menstruation and given free sanitary towels. Also, the school saves a lot of money because they don’t have to replace as many desk chairs.

7. Police in Arkansas want to know if an Amazon Echo, which is a home personal assistant device that responds to voice commands, overheard something that can help with a murder case. But Echo better thing twice about talking because, as everyone knows, snitches get glitches.

8. Last week, rapper Drake, who is 30, and singer Jennifer Lopez, who is 47, appeared to confirm their rumored romantic relationship on Instagram. I’m guessing Drake started at her bottom and hasn’t made much progress since.

9. Friday night, former UFC champion Ronda Rousey lost to current bantamweight champion Amanda Nunes in just 48-seconds. “I could have knocked her out in thirty,” said an unimpressed Chris Brown.

10. Sunday morning Los Angeles residents awoke to find the iconic “Hollywood” sign changed to read “Hollyweed” by an unknown suspect. This marks the first time in history that a pothead said “You know what would be cool” and then actually got off the couch and did it.

November 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is election day here in the United States. And, if you weren’t aware that there was an election today, please, I beg of you, tell me how you were able to do that.
 
2. Today is election day here in the United States. And, I’m torn because as a joke writer I hope Trump wins, as a feminist I hope Hillary wins and as a sane, rational person I hope this was all some type of terrible fever dream.
 
3. In response to a recent Hillary Clinton rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he gets “bigger crowds” than Beyonce and Jay-Z. Said nervous Trump handlers, “He said ‘bigger’ right?”

4. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un plans to launch a nuclear missile on the day of the U.S. presidential election to mock the new leader. “Yeah, he’ll do shit like that. Well here are the keys, don’t call me,” said Obama.
 
5. Earlier this week, Shane Kimbrough, a NASA astronaut currently living on board the International Space Station, filled out his ballot for today’s presidential election. “We might be joining you soon,” said half the country.

6. Yesterday, in Florida, a 16-year-old high school student and two-time cancer survivor was sent to detention by his teacher because his cancer “survivor” t-shirt violated the school’s dress code policy. Said the teacher, “I’m also not crazy about that skinhead look either.”

7. Singer Justin Bieber is allowing anyone to spend New Years Eve with him for $500,000. Which is a terrible deal because it costs $0 not to.

8. A high school basketball coach in Minnesota was fired after allegedly taping his players in the locker room showers. No wonder the team never got better despite the fact the coach was always busy watching “game tape.”

9. A South Florida man was arrested on Halloween after he was observed driving naked through a neighborhood with electrical wires protruding from his penis. But, in his defense, this was his wife’s costume:
outlet

10. Disgraced former-Congressman Anthony Weiner was spotted riding a horse at the rehab facility he checked into to address his sex addiction last week. “Easy fella,” said the horse to Weiner.

November 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night in Cleveland, the Chicago Cubs beat the Indians to win their first World Series title in over 100 years. And they celebrated like everyone in Cleveland aways does, by immediately getting on a plane and leaving Cleveland.

2. Last night, the Cleveland Indians lost the World Series to the Chicago Cubs after blowing a 3-1 series lead. And, to add insult to injury for Cleveland fans, on Sunday the Browns play.

3. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign announced that it had raised $100 million in October from “small-dollar” donors. “I put a lot of girls through college that exact same way,” said Bill:
strip club

4. On Wednesday, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner checked himself into rehab. Although I don’t know how long he’ll stay in rehab considering what a big fan he is of checking himself out:
weiner

5. It was reported yesterday, that actor Johnny Depp will star in the sequel to J.K. Rowling’s film ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.’ When asked about Depp’s casting, Rowling said, “I don’t want the movie to be good.”
 
6. On Wednesday it was reported that news website Gawker Media had reached a $31 million cash settlement with Hulk Hogan, the former professional wrestler who won a $140 million judgment against the site. So now, finally, Hogan might be able to afford a shirt that doesn’t always rip.

7. According to a new study, children exposed to food advertisements are more likely to over-eat, especially if they have a specific version of a gene linked to obesity. That groundbreaking study again, fat kids gonna eat.

8. Last night, Beyonce performed at the Country Music Awards. She has a cheating husband, so she’s really just a pickup truck and a shotgun away from completely fitting in with that crowd.

9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored an erotic  novel in 2012 entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. Even crazier, there was only one review on the cover:
trump-tower

10. Ninni Laaksonen, a former Miss Finland has accused Donald Trump of groping her during the 2006 Miss Universe pageant, claiming he grabbed her on the butt. So I guess he went in for a grab and she turned around real quick.