February 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday President Trump said he hasn’t called Russia in ten years. Although I assume by ‘Russia’ he means ‘Tiffany.’

2. There was a mixup during Sunday night’s Oscar ceremony, that resulted in the statuette for Best Picture being taken away from ‘La La Land’ after it was already awarded to them. ”They can do that!?!?” asked a panicky Adrien Brody.

3. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, Mahershala Ali took home the trophy for Best Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Moonlight’ becoming the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Which, I assume, means no one won this year’s White House Oscar pool.

4. ABC’s Sunday night broadcast of the Academy Awards hosted by Jimmy Kimmel drew the smallest audience since 2008. The only thing that drew less of an audience were the movies nominated for Best Picture.

5. President Donald Trump told several chief executives of large insurance companies on Monday that 2017 will be a “catastrophic” year for the Affordable Care Act. Although he probably didn’t need to add “for the Affordable Care Act” at the end of that sentence.

6. This week in England, fans of Crystal Palace Football Club inadvertently vandalized their own team’s bus thinking it was the bus of Middlesbrough, prior to a soccer match between the two rivals. And, if I know anything about embarrassing episodes on buses, I’m sure that it was somehow Billy Bush’s fault.

7. On Monday, a political website posted a photo of Robbie Gatti, a candidate for the Louisiana House of Representatives, in black face. And, in related news, Donald Trump has named Robbie Gatti Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

8. A woman in Turkey has built a ‘cat ladder’ leading into her home that strays can use when it’s cold outside. It also serves as an escape ladder for any man who somehow finds himself in that home.

9. A Dutch woman approaching her 100th birthday persuaded local police to “arrest” her so she could check off an item on her bucket list. She was given a 48-hour sentence, or more accurately, a life sentence.

10. In a new interview, President Trump blamed the Academy Awards’ best picture mix-up on what he said was Hollywood’s misguided focus on politics. That story again, the host of a reality tv show said the entertainment industry should stay out of politics.

February 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his speech on Friday, President Trump called for an end to the media’s use of unnamed sources. But, in the media’s defense, sometimes things do a lot worse when you attach a name to them:

2. According to a new poll, 1 out of 3 Americans would move to a different planet to escape U.S. politics. And, according to the same survey, 1 out of 1 Slovenians would too:
trump-unhappy

3. Saturday evening, President Trump tweeted that he will not attend this year’s annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Which is odd because, I’m guessing, he hasn’t missed many dinners:
fat-trump

4. According to a report, nearly 2,000 appointed positions in the administration of President Donald Trump still remain vacant. Unfortunately, one of them is not president.

5. According to reports, Barack and Michelle Obama turned down an offer to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Which, unfortunately means, neither Barack or Michelle can ever be the Secretary of Energy:
rick-perry

6. A South Korean developer has produced the world’s first Braille smartwatch for the blind. Because even the blind don’t want to be seen wearing an Apple Watch.

7. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. Although, I don’t know how much of an accident it was, since right before, the dog said, “No, no, no, now you beg.”

8. During his speech at CPAC on Friday, President Trump ripped the media’s anonymous sources, saying, “Let them say it to my face.” “I thought I was,” said one source talking to a rotting pumpkin.

9. Scientists in London have trained bumblebees to do a job by bribing them with a sugary treat. So there’s still hope that someone will be able to train this WASP to do her job:

10. A Republican state senator in Arkansas has introduced legislation aimed at removing the Clinton name from Little Rock’s Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport. “While you’re at it, can you take my name off of that shit-hole too,” said Fiorello LaGuardia.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:
penguins

2. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

3. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

4. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

5. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

6. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. A 330 pound teen in Texas lost over half his body weight to get revenge on his school bullies. So let that be a lesson to you kids, bullying works!

9. On a recent trip to Cambodia, Angelina Jolie and her children were spotted eating cooked tarantulas, crickets, and other bugs. Said the kids, “We want to live with Brad.”

10. Russian officials are reportedly compiling a psychological dossier on President Donald Trump for Russian President Vladimir Putin ahead of their first meeting. Much like Trump himself, the dossier will self-destruct.

February 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dubai police have summoned a Russian model who posed for a video while dangling from a skyscraper to sign a pledge not to put her life in danger again. That unbelievable story again, someone in Dubai values a woman’s life.

2. The United Arab Emirates announced that it wants to establish a city on Mars by 2117. “You had me at sending Arabs to Mars,” said Trump.

3. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:
penguins

4. There are workshops popping up around Germany that teach children how to hold a match and light fires safely. Which explains Germany’s version of Smokey the Bear’s new motto, “Only you can prevent forest fires, but come look how cool this shit is!”

5. According to a new poll, a majority of Trump supporters believe the media is their enemy. So, strike two, Univision.

6. During a town hall in Arkansas Wednesday night, a 7-year-old boy asked Senator Tom Cotton not to cancel PBS Kids so that President Trump can build his wall. Which is ironic, because PBS Kids is where Trump first got the idea to build the wall:
dora

7. In a recent interview Mariah Carey said she’s incapable of living in the real world. So true, the real world can be a scary place, for instance, sometimes you turn on the TV and ‘Glitter’ is on.

8. President Donald Trump said on Thursday he wants to ensure the U.S. nuclear arsenal is at the “top of the pack,” saying the United States has fallen behind in its weapons capacity. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

10. According to a new study, men who don’t exercise regularly have stronger sexual libidos than men who do. Thus, doing the impossible, making me somehow feel worse for Melania.

11. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Her bail hearing will be on Thursday and his funeral will be on Friday.

12. This week, Pope Francis expressed displeasure with the current smartphone culture, proclaiming that texting at the dinner table could lead to war. A comment that seems directed at one, specific person:
trump-tweeting

13. King Salman of Saudi Arabia will visit Indonesia next month, along with his 1,500 person entourage. Finally answering the age-old question, what would it look like if MC Hammer ran a country.

14. According to reports, Fukushima survivors are being urged to return to the nuclear disaster site by the Japanese government despite radiation levels similar to Chernobyl. Although, if they were really affected by the radiation, the government could probably just use a magnet to drawn them back.

15. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Begging the question, if Herbert Raymond McMaster and Jeffery Beauregard Sessions III are in D.C., who’ll be tryin’ to catch dem Duke boys?

16. Before introducing her husband at his rally in Florida, First Lady Melania Trump led the crowd in the Lord’s Prayer. And it really was inspiring, to think that the woman who has lived with Donald Trump for the past 12 years still believes in God.

17. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ McKinnon ordered the sea bass, while Hillary ordered a full investigation into Trump’s ties with Russia.

18. 10,000 men dressed in loin-cothes gathered for the Naked Man Festival in Japan to scramble for a pair of lucky sticks blessed by a priest. Said every man at some point during the day, “Hey, hey, hey, that’s not one of the sticks!”

19. Researchers at the University of Toronto have discovered that only a handful of brain cells are linked to bad memories and they are able to delete single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. Begging the question, can they delete future memories, like, I don’t know, the entirety of the next four years?

20. According to a new study, doctors who feel burned out or overwhelmed by the demands of work are less likely to view their work with patients as a “calling” that has meaning. Does the same hold true if the doctor himself is a burn-out?:trump-doctor

February 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

2. According to a new poll, 60% of Americans can’t name even one movie up for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars. “Does ‘Hidden Fences’ count?” asked Jenna Bush Hager.

3. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

4. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

5. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

6. A French artist is preparing to be entombed for a week inside a 12-ton limestone boulder in a modern art museum in Paris, after which he will emerge and attempt to hatch a dozen eggs by sitting on them for weeks. An idea for a stunt that is so pointless and stupid that even David Blaine couldn’t think of it.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. According to a new study, South Korean women will be the first in the world to have an average life expectancy over 90-years-old. “Not so fast,” said North Korea.

9. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. That story again, a gathering of animals who are incapable of formally organizing, on an obscure peninsula in South America was better attended than Donald Trump’s inauguration.

10. A chiropractor in Kansas has invented something called “labia lipstick” which is designed to glue a woman’s vagina shut during her period. “Is there a superglue version?” said Octomom.

February 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 330 pound teen in Texas lost over half his body weight to get revenge on his school bullies. So let that be a lesson to you kids, bullying works!

2. On a recent trip to Cambodia, Angelina Jolie and her children were spotted eating cooked tarantulas, crickets, and other bugs. Said the kids, “We want to live with Brad.”

3. Yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel announced that he may leave his late night talk show on ABC in three years. “So, where do I send my resume?” said Jay Leno

4. During a recent news conference, Iceland’s President said, if it were up to him, he would ban people from putting pineapple on pizza. Which is the kind of fun presidential news conferences we could have been having if you assholes had voted for Chris Christie.

5. A woman in Slovakia who allegedly filmed herself urinating on the Koran and then burning it faces six years in jail. Slovakian officials call it, “a despicable act of hate,” while President Trump calls it, “the hottest thing he’s ever heard.”

6. Yesterday, professional provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos resigned as an editor at Breitbart News amid a firestorm over recent and past comments. Yeah, good idea, you wouldn’t want to give Breitbart a bad name.

7. An indoor football team in Salt Lake City is using a realtime app to let it’s fans vote on which plays to run. “So I can just hack the app to find out what plays the other team is running, what a time saver,” said Bill Belichick.

8. A Colorado man recently survived a 40-foot fall down a chimney while he was trying to make a parkour video on a roof with friends. Said the 4-year-old living in that home, “Oh no, Santa’s a douchebag!”

9. Lindsay Lohan claims she was “racially profiled” while wearing a headscarf at London’s Heathrow Airport. TSA agents reportedly pulled her out of line because they thought she was Muslim and, then, when they realized who she was, called for a complete cavity search.

10. A 13-year-old boy from Palestine, known for his contortionist skills, set a Guinness World Record for “most full body revolutions maintaining a chest stand in one minute.” So good luck ever getting that 13-year-old boy out of his bedroom.

February 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a survey of historians released on Friday, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Franklin D. Roosevelt were ranked as the top three presidents in U.S. history. Said Donald Trump, “I have it on good authority that 1 to 3 million illegal historians voted in that survey.”

2. Russian officials are reportedly compiling a psychological dossier on President Donald Trump for Russian President Vladimir Putin ahead of their first meeting. Much like Trump himself, the dossier will self-destruct.

3. Over the weekend, amid rumors that Disney is interested in making a live-action version of “The Little Mermaid,” actress Lindsay Lohan posted a picture of herself next to Ariel on Instagram. And she would make a great mermaid because she does already have crabs.

4. According to reports, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is pursuing at least three separate probes relating to alleged Russian hacking of the U.S. presidential elections. Said FBI director James Comey, “The first place we’re gonna check for evidence of Russian interference is in Hillary Clinton’s emails.”

5. During his campaign-like rally in Florida on Friday, President Donald Trump said, “I’ m here because I want to be among friends.” And, to that end, a plane ticket to Florida is a lot cheaper than a plane ticket to Russia.

6. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Trump said he picked McMaster because he had one very special quality, he said ‘yes.’

7. According to ‘The Boston Globe,’ when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dined at the White House last week, President Trump made him order the meatloaf. As opposed to Christie’s usual order of meatloaves.

8. Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wore a number 46 jersey in Friday night’s NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, an apparent response to the 45th President Donald Trump’s recent tweet that Cuban is “not smart enough to run for president.” “Don’t you mean 47?” said Mike Pence.

9. In a recent interview, the Cleveland Cavalier’s starting point guard, Kyrie Irving, said he believes the earth is flat. Which still makes him more qualified to be Secretary of Education than Betsy DeVos.

10. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ Reporters called it, “a fun, light-hearted meal between two friends,” while Bill called it his “nightmare.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Which is a nice start, but, as everyone knows, there is only one way to get rid of her for good:
wicked-witch

2. On Wednesday, the White House announced that President Trump will not fill out an NCAA March Madness bracket. Which makes sense, I’m not sure Trump should be making any plans that involve him being president in March.

3. A new movie streaming service called Brown Sugar, which highlights so-called blaxploitation films, is now available for $3.99 a month. And, only $4.99 if you’re ‘The Man.’

4. On Monday, Playboy said its 2015 decision to stop publishing photos of naked women “was a mistake” and will reintroduce nudity in its next issue. Said the Playboy CEO, “Turns out you assholes were all lying about reading the articles.”

5. Scientists have observed dolphins in Australia using blowfish to get high. Although, technically, that’s Hootie:
hootie

6. Yesterday, Nick Cannon announced that he is leaving NBC’s “America’s Got Talent.” That story again, this is the last time you’ll ever hear the words ‘Nick Cannon’ and ‘talent’ in the same sentence.

7. The oldest living person in America, Adele Dunlap of New Jersey, died on Sunday at the age of 114. She’s in a much better place now, mainly not New Jersey.

8. CNN anchor Chris Cuomo said last week, using the term ‘fake news’ towards journalist is equivalent to saying racial slurs like the n-word. Said President Trump, “Well, I’m running out of things to call Don Lemon.”

9. A man in Plymouth, Massachusetts, angry at the town’s decision to build a statue of a Shakespeare character, announced plans to build a rival statue across the street of an erect penis. Although, according to the man’s wife, it would be more apt to call it memorial.

10. A newspaper in the Dominican Republic is apologizing after publishing a photo of the Alec Baldwin alongside a caption identifying him as, “Donald Trump, president of the USA.” The newspaper is also apologizing for mistakenly referring to this picture of an angry thumb as “Press Secretary Sean Spicer”:
thumb

February 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Which is a nice start, but, as everyone knows, there is only one way to get rid of her for good:

wicked-witch

2. On Thursday, ‘View’ host Whoopi Goldberg invited Tiffany Trump to sit with her at an upcoming fashion show after reports that the First Daughter was shunned by some during New York’s Fashion Week. Upon seeing a picture of Whoopi sitting next to Tiffany, Donald said, “Which one’s Tiffany again?”

3. Scientists at Harvard claim they are only two years away from bringing the woolly mammoth back from extinction. “Ugh, I have to wait a full two years to shoot one?” said a disappointed Don Trump Jr.

4. According to reports, Burger King is in talks to buy Popeye’s. “Well, that’ll cut down on my daily commute,” said Chris Christie.

5. Yesterday, retired Vice Admiral Robert Harward, President Donald Trump’s choice to replace Michael Flynn as national security adviser, reportedly turned down the offer. Because any good Vice Admiral knows not to jump aboard a sinking ship. 

6. According to a new study, firstborn children tend to be the smartest. So here’s a scary thought, Rob Gronkowski has a younger brother.

7. A U.S. appeals court on Thursday struck down a Florida law that barred doctors from asking patients about gun ownership, ruling that the law violated doctors’ right to free speech. Although I still think it’s unprofessional for my urologist to ask me if that’s a gun in my pocket or if I’m just happy to see him.

8. This week, a dashboard camera caught a lost helicopter pilot landing on a highway in Kazakhstan to ask for directions. Unfortunately, if you ask anyone in Kazakhstan how to get out of Kazakhstan the answer is always, “I was hoping you knew.”

9. The Nigerian media claims that a woman recently gave birth to goat after a two-year pregnancy. Immediately after publishing the far-fetched tory, the Nigerian media was given a prominent seat in the White House press room.

10. According to reports, NBC is in talks to revive “American Idol.” And it couldn’t be better timing as Americans have shown how good they are at voting.

11. A tour guide at a Tanzanian game park has been arrested after wrongly translating a tourist’s comments about the country and its people. It is a crime in Tanzania to misrepresent other people’s statements, or, as Sean Spicer calls it, a career.

12. According to a new study, high schools that start at 8:30 a.m. or later see an increase in attendance and graduation rates. And, according to a study conducted by Secretary of Eduction Betsy DeVos, schools that start in the winter see a decrease in bear attacks.

13. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently revealed that they receive about 1.5 million calls from constituents a day. A number that I’m sure Schumer picked for no reason whatsoever:

trump-1-5

14. According to TMZ, actor George Clooney and his wife Amal are pregnant with twins. Begging the question, is Beyonce gonna have to cut a bitch?

15. The Forest Green Rovers, dubbed the ‘greenest’ soccer club in the world, are planning to build a sustainable, eco-friendly stadium with a small carbon footprint made entirely out of wood. I never thought I’d say this, but can we talk more about soccer?

16. According to police, for years inmates at a medium-security Atlanta prison have been escaping, going into town to buy supplies and sneaking back into jail. Begging the question, how shitty is Atlanta that a bunch of inmates broke out, looked around and decided to voluntarily return to prison?

February 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Belgian minister arrived on a bicycle to a news conference to promote cycling on Tuesday, only to find the bike had been stolen when he left half an hour later. But, on the plus side, sounds like he did a pretty good job convincing Belgian citizens to bike more.

2. A man who changed his to Mark ‘I Love Spam’ Benson is getting married in the world’s only Spam museum in Minnesota. Just in case you were wondering what the opposite of a destination wedding is.

3. According to a new Gallup survey, more Americans are working out of the office as they push for flexible schedules. Yeah, no shit:
trump-maralago

4. On Tuesday, Taco Bell announced that it will start offering customers the option of getting married for $600 at its Las Vegas location. Its all part of Taco Bell’s new campaign slogan “You’re already at a Taco Bell, so what’s one more bad decision?”

5. On Tuesday, Taco Bell announced that it will start offering customers the option of getting married for $600 at its Las Vegas location. Or, and here me out, for free, you don’t.

6. On Wednesday, the White House announced that President Trump will not fill out an NCAA March Madness bracket. Which makes sense, I’m not sure Trump should be making any plans that involve him being president in March.

7. On Monday, in response to President Trump’s recent mishandling of confidential information, former White House photographer Pete Souza appeared to take a shot at the President by posting a picture of former President Obama speaking in a cordoned off area for security reasons. But, really, how upset could Trump get over a harmless, little picture? Oh, right:
trump-crowd

8. To celebrate Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, two couples got married on top of the Empire State Building. So keep an eye out for them four months from now when they’ll undoubtedly be getting a divorce atop the Freedom Tower.

9. According to reports, Warner Brothers wants Mel Gibson to direct the upcoming ‘Suicide Squad’ sequel. “What!?! That guy is a complete loose cannon!” said the Joker.

10. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Conway said, “The ban is an infringement on her first amendment right and allowing such a thing to happen means the Bowling Green terrorists have won.”