October 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, a Florida man broke the record for the biggest and most expensive Starbucks drink by ordering a 101-shot latte that cost him $83.75. Even more impressive, he set the same record in California the next day and got there by running.

2. The FTC on Thursday fined UK-based JDI Dating for using fake computer generated profiles to trick users into upgrading to paid memberships online. Officials became suspicious when all the people in the fake profile pictures had good teeth.

3. On Thursday, police in Alabama found a suspected drug dealer who has hiding in tall grass near his home thanks to the man’s dog whose tail could be seen wagging enthusiastically above the weeds. Said the man, “Zoinks!”

4. On Wednesday, an unmanned spaceship loaded with supplies and destined for the International Space Station, exploded seconds after lift off. Officials in charge are confident that the next launch will go off without a hitch as they are currently training their rocket to think about baseball.

5. The government of Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. Although, judging by the Hispanic families I’ve seen, that’s still probably a lot of children.

6. Former President George W. Bush will be going on a promotional tour for his new book “41.” Bush said he is excited to finally see what the inside of a book store looks like.

7. The embattled police chief of Ferguson, Missouri, told CNN on Thursday that he has no intention of stepping down. Although he does plan on doing a lot of ducking.

8. On Thursday, Apple CEO Tim Cook publicly acknowledged for the first time that he is gay. What are the odds that the Apple CEO who was obsessed with design and constantly wore turtlenecks wouldn’t be the gay one.

9. According to a new analysis, the greatest impact in curbing the spread of Ebola in West Africa would come from insuring safe burials for all victims. As a result, the next “Weekend at Bernie’s,” “Bernie Does Africa” has been cancelled.

10. A group of Florida police officers had to call in a prisoner transport van while arresting a 500 pound man because he was too large to fit into a standard patrol car. Officials say if he is ultimately found guilty he may be sentenced to the electric sofa.

11. Nestle will enlist a thousand humanoid robots to sell its coffee makers at electronics stores across Japan. Or, as it’s being reported in the robot world, humans forcing us to sell our friends.

12. A U.S. Department of Homeland Security official who ran an investigation of the prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents in Columbia in 2012 resigned after he was suspected of visiting a prostitute in Florida. So either he’s a hypocrite or really dedicated to that investigation.

13. The University of North Carolina said on Wednesday that students will now be prohibited from traveling to Africa over Ebola-related fears. But, on the plus-side, UNC students will no longer have to have that awkward conversation explaining to Africans what a Tarheel is.

14. The presidents of Israel and Poland took a joint guided tour of a new museum of Jewish life on Tuesday that highlighted Poland’s flourishing Jewish community before World War II. Although the tour became a little awkward right at the beginning and then all the way until the end.

15. A pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1, containing the origin story of Superman, which sold for more than $3.2 million, has been scanned online and is free for anyone to read. I can’t imagine anyone online would be interested in such a thing … oh it broke the the internet?

16. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. “Yeah, that one’s on us,” said the Secret Service.

17. A Senator from Oregon supports recreational marijuana use and will vote “yes” on a state initiative next week that would legalize it. The weed will undoubtedly ease the pain of everyone’s family and oxen dying of dysentery on the way to Oregon.

18. President Obama will award a Civil War officer the Medal of Honor, the highest U.S. award for bravery, 151 years after he was killed at the Battle of Gettysburg. Said Obama, “Just checking again, which side did he fight for?”

19. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Walmart apologized for its mistake and changed the title to “Slutty Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.”

20. PGA of America President Ted Bishop was removed from office on last week for “insensitive gender-biased statements” he posted on social media. Now comes the hard part, finding another old white guy who loves golf to replace him.

October 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, teens whose parents use guilt or withholding have trouble working out disagreements well into adulthood. Or, as it is more commonly known, Judaism.

2. Norwegian Air Shuttle was forced to delay a flight to New York by five hours on Tuesday because of a mouse in the cockpit. A mouse in the cockpit, or as it’s known around Richard Gere’s house, a weeknight.

3. A group of Florida police officers had to call in a prisoner transport van while arresting a 500 pound man because he was too large to fit into a standard patrol car. Officials said he committed a crime in 2011 and was still mid-getaway.

4. A woman in Australia stole a $25,000 watch by hiding it in her vagina after a one-night stand. She quickly excused herself the next morning by looking at her vagina and exclaiming, “Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta go!”

5. South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, who may run for president, was recorded during a private gathering saying “white men who are in male-only clubs are going to do great in my presidency.” Which isn’t that surprising considering it’s also the slogan for the Republican Party.

6. A Maine nurse is telling the state to either lift her Ebola quarantine today or she will disregard the restrictions and go to court. Said court, “Court adjourned.”

7. Hip-hop mogul Suge Knight and comedian Katt Williams were arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of stealing a camera from a celebrity photographer in Beverly Hills last month. So good luck to whoever’s in charge of getting those mug shots.

8. A Connecticut school superintendent on Wednesday defended the decision to keep a 7-year-old girl out of class for three weeks out of concern that she may have contracted Ebola while attending a wedding in Nigeria. Said the superintendent, “I have it on good authority that she may also have cooties.”

9. According to new research, people with celiac disease are almost twice as likely as those without it to break a bone. So here’s hoping that’s what’s wrong with Derrick Rose and we’ll get to hear Charles Barkley try to pronounce ‘celiac disease.’

10. The Vatican on Wednesday unveiled new high-tech, energy-saving lighting and air purification systems to protect Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel frescos. Because apparently when you’ve been around for over 500 years, opening the windows counts as ‘high tech.’

October 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, reality star Kim Kardashian said she loves her BlackBerry and doesn’t understand the fuss surrounding other smartphones. Although, I think she may change her tune once Apple comes out with its new Black iPhone.

2. Households across the U.S. this Halloween are displaying hand-painted, teal-colored pumpkins on their porches to signal that it’s safe for children with food allergies to trick or treat there. That, of they’re really lazy and haven’t thrown away their pumpkin from last year.

3. Yesterday Pope Francis said that evolution and creationism do not necessarily contradict each other. Adding, “Justin Bieber must have evolved because God would never create such a douchebag.”

4. Over the weekend, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un visited an orphanage. Jong Un is interested in adoption because apparently he’s running out of family members to kill.

5. A White House official disclosed on Tuesday that suspicious cyber activity has been detected on the computer network used by the White House and measures have been taken to address it. Said President Obama, “I gotta remember to clear my history.”

6. YouTube, the popular online video service, is planning to offer a paid, ad-free version of its website. It’s perfect for the person who can’t wait five seconds to see cats videos.

7. Dominican officials say that they arrested a woman trying to smuggle over $69,000 in a briefcase and more than $70,000 in her stomach. Which means soon the new Ford Thunderbird won’t be the only $70,000 piece of shit.

8. A Florida man who was arrested at a Halloween party in 2012 for assaulting a drag queen with a tiki torch while dressed in a KKK robe, is now running for mayor of his town. Even worse, he didn’t know it was a costume party.

9. A British man who has spent a total of seven years in jail for going naked in public, lost his legal battle to wear no clothes on Tuesday as Europe’s human rights court told him he must respect the feelings of others. Specifically, his cellmate’s.

10. Three days after Hillary Clinton said that businesses don’t create jobs, she was forced to clarify what she meant. Said Hillary, “I believe individuals, like my husband Bill, create jobs. In fact, he was always up for having a job done to him.”

October 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, singer Taylor Swift released her highly-anticipated new album entitled “1989.” She chose the name because she was born in 1989 and it’s a great reminder how little you’ve accomplished in you’re own life.

2. An Instagram photo surfaced over the weekend of a child wearing a Ray Rice costume and dragging a doll around by the hair at a Halloween parade. Even worse, his brother, who was dressed as Ravens teammate Ray Lewis, kept claiming he “didn’t see nothing.”

3. According to reports, actress Jennifer Lawrence just bought a Beverly Hills home previously owned by singer Jessica Simpson. And, in unrelated news, Nick Lachey just moved into an apartment with Joey Lawrence.

4. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. So let that be a lesson to all those people who tried to hop the White House fence, just get Ebola and they’ll let you right in.

5. On Monday, Toronto voters replaced their notorious mayor, Rob Ford, and rejected an attempt by his brother to take the city’s top job, electing instead a conservative politician. Which is great news for the people of Toronto and terrible news for joke writers everywhere.

6. Under an ordinance signed on Monday by Mayor Ed Lee, San Franciscans who temporarily rent their homes out must begin paying hotel taxes. “Define ‘temporary,’” said Uncles Joey and Jesse.

7. On Monday, New Jersey released a Maine nurse ordered into involuntary quarantine after treating Ebola patients in Sierra Leone. Said the nurse, “I was in Ebola-stricken, West Africa for over a month, and that still doesn’t compare to being stuck in New Jersey for three days.”

8. A 5-year-old boy who recently visited West Africa tested negative for the Ebola virus on Monday in New York City. But, just to be safe, Angelina Jolie is holding off no the adoption.

9. Madison Square Garden Co., which owns the New York Knicks, said on Monday it is considering a plan to separate into two companies. This is one of those rare cases where the divorce is the child’s fault.

10. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Which kinda seems redundant for Walmart customers.

October 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is being reported that Honey Boo Boo’s mom, Mama June, is dating a convicted child molestor. Man, that dad from “7th Heaven” will do just about to get back on TV.

2. On Friday, TLC canceled its popular reality series “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” So now the next time someone says “here comes Honey Boo Boo” it will probably by a DJ at a strip club.

3. British troops ended their combat operations in Afghanistan on Sunday as they and U.S. Marines handed over to the Afghan military two huge adjacent bases. Or, as they will be known in a week, ISIS headquarters.

4. On Friday, former interns for Saturday Night Live, who filed a class action lawsuit, reached a $6.4 million out-of-court settlement with NBC Universal. Said CBS interns, “Wait, we got molested by Letterman and they get millions?”

5. On Thursday, prisoners in a California jail who have participated in a two month-long acting workshop put on a performance for U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. Said Holder, “It was a nice change of pace to be entertained by convicted felons outside of a football field.

6. Italian lawmakers have put forward a proposal for free Wi-Fi in thousands of public spaces throughout the country. In response, AT&T plans to build out its Italian infrastructure, which means soon Pisa won’t be the only poorly constructed tower.

7. According to a new study, psychological cruelty to children from parents can cause as much, or even more, emotional damage then physical abuse. Said Joe Jackson, “Why’s it got to be an either/or type of thing?”

8. A Florida man shot and killed a 400-pound black bear after it broke into his house two nights in a row to get to a bag of dog food. “But it was a BLACK bear, right?” said Al Sharpton, boarding a plane to Florida.

9. On Friday, health officials said the doctor being treated for Ebola in a New York City hospital is awake and talking to family and friends on a cell phone. Said family and friends, “I think you have the wrong number.”

10. A bakery in Texas has created a new desert that is a pumpkin pie inside a pumpkin-spiced cake on top of a pecan pie inside a chocolate cake all toped with an apple pie inside a cake. It’s a great way to celebrate your last birthday.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, reality star Kim Kardashian said she wants her daughter North West to have a job. Isn’t that always the case, parents wanting their children to accomplish more than they did.

2. According to a new study, the blue glow from a television screen suppresses natural mechanisms that help people fall asleep at night, but blocking just the blue wavelengths may restore normal nighttime sleepiness. Said late-night TV watchers, “That’s great news, I’ve had a hard time falling asleep ever since Leno retired.”

3. North Korea will bar entry to foreigners on tourist trips starting today due to fear over the spread of the deadly Ebola virus. Oh, now you’re concerned about catching something? Maybe you should have considered that before you let Dennis Rodman into your country a bunch of times.

4. A 22-year-old substitute teacher was arrested and charged after she allegedly performed oral sex on a 17-year-old high school football player during an October 17th pep rally. Said the teacher, “Looking back on it, there may have been a better way to prove that I had spirit.”

5. Actress Renee Zellweger is causing a stir after showing up on the red carpet of an event almost unrecognizable, leading many to speculate about the work she has had done to her face. Critics are calling her a sad example of what Hollywood can do to a person, while Bruce Jenner is calling her for her doctor’s number.

6. A nurse at a Los Angeles hospital took a photo of a woman who gouged out her eyes with pencils and now the patient is suing the hospital after the picture went viral online. The patient said the last straw was the nurse continually pointing out the irony that she was being treated in the ICU.

7. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jay-Z, ‘No deal.’”

8. Multiple California radio stations have pledged not to play Lorde’s song “Royals” so as not to offend San Francisco Giants fans during the team’s World Series match-up with the Kansas City Royals. The stations also pledged not to play any Nickelback so as to not to offend anyone with ears.

9. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “Oh, you said ‘ice coffee.’”

10. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement after dating for almost a year. Sheen said the honeymoon phase wore off, so I’m guessing the “honeymoon phase” is a type of cocaine.

October 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, reality star Kim Kardashian said she wants her daughter North West to have a job. Isn’t that always the case, parents wanting their children to accomplish more than they did.

2. DNA from a 45,000-year-old leg bone is giving scientists a better idea of when modern humans first started mating with Neanderthals. Before this discovery, the best evidence that scientists’ had at their disposal were episodes of “Jersey Shore.”

3. Actor Christian Bale has been cast to play Steve Jobs in an upcoming bio-pic penned by Aaron Sorkin. Richard Dreyfuss was reportedly considered for the role of Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, but producers thought it might get too confusing on set if everyone involved in the project was a “Dick.”

4. According to a new study, the blue glow from a television screen suppresses natural mechanisms that help people fall asleep at night, but blocking just the blue wavelengths may restore normal nighttime sleepiness. Said late-night TV watchers, “That’s great news, I’ve had a hard time falling asleep ever since Leno retired.”

5. North Korea will bar entry to foreigners on tourist trips starting today due to fear over the spread of the deadly Ebola virus. Oh, now you’re concerned about catching something? Maybe you should have considered that before you let Dennis Rodman into your country a bunch of times.

6. Two French entrepreneurs have developed a portable device to test for the presence of pork in food for use by Muslims who abide by dietary laws. The way it works is you take a bite and, if it tastes good, it has pork in it.

7. A Belgian chocolate company, which previously had to change its name from Italo Suisse because it had no connection to Italy or Switzerland, is forced to change its name again after renaming itself ISIS. Said the CEO of the company, “Good news guys, it looks like the name Ebola isn’t trademarked.”

8. On Thursday the NFL said it is on track with its plans to field a team in London and could have a franchise there as early as 2022. Well that’s convenient, the Jaguars won’t even have to change their team name.

9. A 22-year-old substitute teacher was arrested and charged after she allegedly performed oral sex on a 17-year-old high school football player during an October 17th pep rally. Said the teacher, “Looking back on it, there may have been a better way to prove that I had spirit.”

10. A high school football coach in South Carolina was fired this week after he permitted a post-game celebratory ritual involving a watermelon that some said was racist. Said the school principal, “That’s not the type of image we want connected to our football team, the Fightin’ Redskins.”

11. Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino, a former cast member of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” pled not guilty on Thursday to federal tax fraud charges. Sorrentino said he is trying to avoid jail time because the orange jumpsuit would clash with his skin.

12. Another man jumped over the White House fence Wednesday night, but this time the intruder barely made it onto the lawn before being taken down. Unfortunately he was tackled by a man who had hopped the fence twenty minutes earlier and was just hanging out.

13. Punishment for NFL players implicated in domestic violence will not be imposed upon arrest but at some point “farther down the process,” said a key figure charged with overhauling the league’s handling of such cases. Unless, of course, there’s a videotape of it, then all bets are off.

14. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’m the leader of the free world, control the IRS and have the pass codes to every nuclear weapon in the entire country, I can fuck her without even touching her.”

15. Netflix announced Friday that it will team up with actor Leonardo DiCaprio to distribute a documentary film about the quest to save endangered mountain gorillas in the Congo. Vin Diesel is attached to star.

October 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Renee Zellweger is causing a stir after showing up on the red carpet of an event almost unrecognizable, leading many to speculate about the work she has had done to her face. Critics are calling her a sad example of what Hollywood can do to a person, while Bruce Jenner is calling her for her doctor’s number.

2. According to Domino’s latest earnings report, profits are up 16% and the company added 160 stores in the last quarter alone. “You’re welcome,” said Washington and Colorado.

3. In a recent interview, Senator Elizabeth Warren said she has been treated differently as a woman in the upper chamber of Congress. Said her fellow-Senators, “I’d like to get a look at her upper chamber.”

4. “Track 3” from the Taylor Swift’s new album shot to No. 1 on iTunes in Canada despite the fact that it is just eight seconds of white noise. Or, as it is known in Canada, noise.

5. A nurse at a Los Angeles hospital took a photo of a woman who gouged out her eyes with pencils and now the patient is suing the hospital after the picture went viral online. The patient said the last straw was the nurse continually pointing out the irony that she was being treated in the ICU.

6. Yesterday, the CDC said that anyone flying to the U.S. from Ebola-infected countries will be monitored for three weeks. While all Americans will continue to be monitored by the NSA all the time.

7. Another man jumped over the White House fence Wednesday night, but this time the intruder barely made it onto the lawn before being taken down Secret Service. These people know they give tours of the White House, right?

8. One of the few remaining examples of Apple’s first pre-assembled computer, the Apple-1, sold for $905,000 at auction in New York on Wednesday. The possibility of cashing in on an outdated technology is the only reason I can come up with as to why some people still have Blackberrys.

9. Ebola patient Nina Pham’s dog Bentley has tested negative for the deadly disease. But, just to be safe, officials have requested other dogs stick to just sniffing Bentley’s face.

10. Toys R Us won’t be selling “Breaking Bad” action figures anymore thanks to an online petition that urged the toy store to pull them from their shelves. “Well, it was great working together again, even if it was for a short time,” said the actor from “Low Winter Sun” who now works at Toys R Us.

October 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jay-Z, ‘No deal.’”

2. Master investor Warren Buffett lost $2 billion in two days this week. Meanwhile, I found a five dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans and it made my week.

3. On Tuesday, the Dallas Cowboys cut Michael Sam, the first openly gay professional football player, from its practice squad. “If you still have you’re Cowboy uniform, we’re taking applications,” said the Village People.

4. Personal genetics companies 23andMe and MyHeritage said on Tuesday they would collaborate to enable people to discover their heritage based on genetic ancestry and documented history. Spoiler alert, you owned slaves.

5. On Tuesday, North Korea unexpectedly freed American Jeffrey Fowle from prison. Which is great news, but if it means Dennis Rodman gets another fifteen minutes of attention, I’m not sure it was worth it.

6. The U.S. ratcheted up its safe-guards against Ebola on Tuesday, requiring travelers from the three African countries at the center of the outbreak to fly into one of five major airports conducting enhanced screenings for the virus. Said the travelers who were forced to fly into LaGuardia, “Which plane takes us back to Africa?”

7. Director Darren Aronofsky will be honored by the Humane Society for using computer-generated images instead of animals in this year’s biblical flood epic “Noah.” The Society said it was the humane thing to do to use digital animals and spare real animals the embarrassment of being in that turd of a movie.

8. In a recent interview, actor Matthew McConaughey said he doesn’t think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Although that sentence probably should have ended after the word “think.”

9. According to a new survey, Americans took the least amount of vacation time in almost a decade last year. Although it’s hard to take a vacation when you don’t have a job.

10. Costumes, gowns and jewelry worn by Madonna will be auctioned off in Beverly Hills next month. Said Lady Gaga, “This will make ripping her off that much easier.”

October 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the U.S. government approved the sale to Iraq of $600 million in tank ammunition. But, don’t worry, we’ll get most of it back for free when they shoot it at us.

2. Multiple California radio stations have pledged not to play Lorde’s song “Royals” so as not to offend San Francisco Giants fans during the team’s World Series match-up with the Kansas City Royals. The stations also pledged not to play any Nickelback so as to not to offend anyone with ears.

3. The National Football League has filed a lawsuit on Monday in an attempt to block New Jersey from offering legalized wagering on sporting events. And, in unrelated news, the NFL has gone missing.

4. A Florida mother wants Toys-R-Us to remove “Breaking Bad” action figures from its shelves because they are not suitable for children. And she’s got a point, Florida kids shouldn’t be exposed to the world of meth cooking unless it’s career day at school.

5. Monica Lewinsky told an audience in Philadelphia on Monday that her new mission in life is to end cyberbullying. Said Lewinsky, “I guess you could call me a missionary, in fact, Bill used to suggest that all the time.”

6. Yesterday was the first day Apple Pay, which lets consumers use their iPhones to pay for items, was made available to the public. And, suspiciously, the majority of purchases made on the first day were for U2’s new album.

7. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement. The two met a year ago on the set of her film “Two Hundred and a Half Men.”

8. A California woman who tried to sneak into the home of an ex-boyfriend through his chimney got struck and had to be rescued by firefighters. “He’s married now, so back off bitch,” said Mrs. Claus.

9. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “That’s weird, I’m pretty sure I put two of them in there.”

10. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. Which begs the question, what kind of restaurant makes the President of the United States pay for a meal?