1. A German meals-on-wheels charity apologized this week after serving three senior citizens dog food that was incorrectly labeled as venison. But, on the plus-side, Nana’s coat has never looked so shiny.
2. The Oregon farmers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on January 2nd have asked supporters to send supplies like food and water, but instead have received gag gifts like sex toys, glitter and nail polish. “Oh, those were gag gifts,” said one disappointed farmer.
3. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz failed to disclose a loan from Goldman Sachs for $500,000 that helped finance his successful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign. It’s a bad sign for you’re presidential campaign when you’re hiding financial information and an even worse sign when you’re the bad guy in a story about Goldman Sachs.
4. A new study found that women in the United States are waiting longer than ever to have babies, with the average age for first childbirth rising to a record high of 26.3 years. “Does no one want to be a star?” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”
5. A Pennsylvania man who traveled to Arizona to have sex with a horse before being nabbed by undercover police was sentenced on Thursday to 18 months probation. “Only 18-months probation!?! That definitely wasn’t worth it,” said the undercover cop who was the back part of the horse costume.
6. A new, 122-foot dinosaur skeleton to be unveiled on Friday at New York’s American Museum of Natural History is too big to fit in the fossil hall. Said the skeleton, “I bet you say that to all the dinosaur fossils.”
7. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, when referencing Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s ability to be president, Donald Trump said there’s a big question mark on Cruz’s head. Because, apparently Trump doesn’t understand irony or own a mirror.
8. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, John Kasich said he was sure that Democrat Bernie Sanders would not be president. In what has to be the best example ever of the phrase, “It takes one, to know one.”
9. Tuesday night, Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, attended the State of the Union speech in Washington D.C. Said gay couples in Kentucky, “Quick, now’s our chance.”
10. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone and Oscar moving to a recycling bin. Said Oscar, “Elmo gets a brownstone and I get a fucking recycling bin? Yeah, I’m definitely voting for Bernie Sanders.”
11. Walt Disney’s new theme park in Shanghai is slated to open on June 16th. On that day, Chinese kids will start enjoying the theme park as opposed to building it.
12. It was announced this week that Barnum & Bailey will stop using elephants in their shows starting this May. “You know they whip us,” said the lions.
13. The world famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who knows how to get the smell of old people and gonorrhea out of a rug.
14. On Friday, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney voiced his support for current candidate Ted Cruz by tweeting “@tedcruz is a ‘natural born citizen.’” Because no one knows what a natural citizen looks like more than a robot from Utah.
15. Last week, the federal government unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines which recommend that people eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grain. Thus combining two things that Americans love, eating healthy food and reading.
16. Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag featuring shirts and hats covered in pictures of pepperoni pizzas. Although, by the look of most Pizza Hut customers, they can get pepperoni pizza on their shirts all by themselves.
17. A group of Lebanese students have designed a ‘smart suitcase’ that follows its owner. “Yes, but can it throw itself at my assistant?” said Naomi Campbell.
18. On January 1st, Pfizer raised prices for more than 100 of its drugs. “Which ones?” said very nervous, panicky middle-aged men.
19. A judge in Columbus wrote a poem to let a prisoner suing an Ohio penitentiary for “emotional distress” know that his lawsuit was being denied and read it in court. As a result, all those in attendance are now suing the judge for emotional distress.
20. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher with orders received for almost four times the print run. Said the publisher, “Oh, this was a terrible idea.”