September 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday was National Coffee Day. President Obama celebrated by saluting a few Marines.

2. Yesterday, the Washington Post reported that the man who jumped the White House fence earlier this month actually made it all the way to the East Room. “That’s closer than I ever got,” said Mitt Romney.

3. A mandatory orientation program for all incoming freshman at the University of California that focuses on sex and alcohol, stressed that students should always seek an “enthusiastic” yes from their partners before engaging in sexual activity. Before? I can’t even get a girl to scream “yes” during.

4. According to new research, the dreaded “Freshman Fifteen,” where incoming college freshman gain fifteen pounds, is most likely overstated. But, just to be safe, campus dorm rooms are doing away with bunk-beds.

5. GM is warning Corvette owners that using the car’s “nanny cam” feature, which allows users to record what’s going on in the car, could be illegal in some states. Said Corvette owners, “Don’t worry, I don’t want to document what goes on when I drive the nanny home either.”

6. Freshman at Florida’s Lakewood High School were lined up last week in the school gymnasium to have their heights and weights recorded as part of a novel study on fighting teenage obesity. Then they were pelted with dodge balls.

7. Scientists at the University of Rochester claim to have developed a Harry Potter-like invisibility cloak. The way it works is you go out in public and tell people you’re a scientist at the University of Rochester.

8. A group in Colorado is seeking to open a members-only theater that would allow customers to smoke marijuana and watch movies in public. The group plans to save money by showing the same movie every time.

9. According to tabloid reports, David Hasselhoff and Justin Bieber have become friends after collaborating on a song. And you thought you hated Beiber’s music before.

10. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi gave birth to a baby girl early Friday morning. Congrats kid, after surviving nine months in there, life will be a synch.

September 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a healthy baby girl early Friday morning in New York. “No Bill, you’re using it wrong,” said the guy who passed out the cigars.

2. Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford narrowly escaped a pedestrian bridge that collapsed onto a downtown highway while he was driving to practice Friday morning. Said Stafford, “That’s crazy, even the Lions have the courtesy to wait until December to collapse.”

3. Thirteen Tennessee teens escaped from the Woodland Hills Youth Development Center on Friday, the same juvenile detention center in Nashville where 32 escaped earlier this month. But, on the plus-side, looks like those exercises on teamwork seem to be working.

4. On Friday, Belgium, Denmark and Great Britain announced that they will join the U.S. in its fight against ISIS. Oh you done fucked up now ISIS, Denmark’s on board!!!

5. On Saturday, China vowed to hand out the “harshest penalties” to food safety violators. So finally I will be able to drink a coke without fear of someone playing a joke.

6. Over the weekend, Cuba announced that it will send 300 doctors and nurses to West Africa to help combat the Ebola virus. Cuba said it is happy to send so many medical professionals because, for once, they’re not really concerned about defectors.

7. Over the weekend, the world’s most famous bachelor, George Clooney, married human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin in a private ceremony in Venice. Because nothing says “please respect our privacy” like throwing a wedding in the country responsible for the word “paparazzi.”

8. Over the weekend, the world’s most famous bachelor, George Clooney, married human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin in a private ceremony in Venice. “That’ a shame,” said delusional aunts everywhere.

9. According to reports, George Clooney’s weekend wedding was a star-studded affair which included Brat Pitt, Sandra Bullock and Bono. Although, as is quickly becoming U2’s custom, Bono showed up despite the fact that no one invited him.

10. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” Donald Sterling made a similar claim with regards to Disney’s “Song of the South.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

2. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

3. Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media sites should be enough to put someone in jail. And, if the social media site in question is MySpace, they’ll also answer the age-old “if a tree falls in the forrest” question.

4. Ancestry.com recently discovered that George Clooney is related to Abraham Lincoln. No surprise Lincoln had connections in the acting world, he had pretty good seats to that play.

5. Honey Boo Boo’s father Sugar Bear is denying charges that he cheated on his wife Mama June. Said Sugar Bear, “You told me animals didn’t count.”

6. According to experts, your medical information is worth 10 times more than your credit card number on the black market. But that’s only because your credit card number is already on the black market.

7. Over the weekend, a Czech zoo burned about 132 pounds of rhino horns as part of an international campaign designed to highlight the plight of a species being driven towards extinction by poachers. Although, I think it would have been a more effective protest if, before burning the horns, they had first removed them from the rhinos.

8. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. Legal experts predict a bitter custody battle over who gets the deep fryer.

9. On Friday, Crest said it would no longer be offering pink mouth guards to NFL players as part of the League’s annual Breast Cancer Awareness Month campaign this October. But the company will continue to give them away for free to all NFL wives and girlfriends.

10. Basketball’s international regulatory body has announced that it will allow Sheikh, Muslim and Jewish players the right to wear religious headgear while playing. Because, apparently it wasn’t already easy enough to pick out the Jews on the court.

September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.

September 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media sites should be enough to put someone in jail. And, if the social media site in question is MySpace, they’ll also answer the age-old “if a tree falls in the forrest” question.

2. Ancestry.com recently discovered that George Clooney is related to Abraham Lincoln. No surprise Lincoln had connections in the acting world, he had pretty good seats to that play.

3. CBS announcer Phil Simms said he will not use the term “redskins” during tonight’s telecast of a matchup between Washington and the New York Giants. Which should make the scheduled halftime interview with John Boehner all the more difficult.

4. On Wednesday, Blackberry unveiled its unconventional square-screened smartphone, the Passport. Said critics, “It’s adorable that they keep trying.”

5. Honey Boo Boo’s father Sugar Bear is denying charges that he cheated on his wife Mama June. Said Sugar Bear, “You told me animals didn’t count.”

6. Oil driller Continental Resources has been revising its corporate history in ways that diminish the company’s accomplishments under CEO Harold Hamm, part of a legal strategy that might help Hamm avoid the largest divorce award in U.S. history. Said his ex-wife, “Typical Harold, he talked a big game, but in reality, never actually ‘drilled’ as much or as deep as he said.”

7. According to experts, your medical information is worth 10 times more than your credit card number on the black market. But that’s only because your credit card number is already on the black market.

8. According to new research, domestic violence occurs as much and possibly more among same-sex couples as among opposite-sex couples. “Yeah, let’s get back to talking about Michael Sam,” said Ray Rice.

9. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. I’m happy it worked out, but it’s usually not a good idea to make improvements on the second floor when there’s a shaky foundation.

10. An investigation by The Humane Society has found that a men’s parka sold by retailer Kohl’s with the description “faux-fur trim” uses real fur from raccoons. Said Kohl’s customers, “Looks like someone just got a real fur coat for half the price.”

September 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. After a man scaled a twelve-foot high fence and entered the White House earlier this week, the Secret Service is reevaluating the safety procedures in place. The first step, putting one of those “Protected by Brinks” signs on the White House front lawn.

2. After a 2-2 start, the University of Michigan is offering a promotion where anyone who buys two Coca-Cola products, listed at $1.50 a piece, will be given two free tickets to this Saturday’s game against the University of Minnesota. Said Wolverines fans, “On second thought, we’re not that thirsty.”

3. According to a new report, approximately 1.3 million students enrolled in U.S. public schools were homeless during the 2012-13 school year. But, on the plus side, no home, no homework.

4. According to the TSA, a woman was arrested at JFK International Airport on Monday for trying to smuggle to disassembled .40 caliber handguns, 350 rounds of ammunition, four magazines for the guns and 33 pounds of marijuana. Said the woman, “The plan worked, they didn’t even notice my water bottle.”

5. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. Apparently the second season will focus on the mystery of what happened to Farrell’s career.

6. On Tuesday, Suleiman Abu Ghaith, Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law, was sentenced to life in prison following his conviction on terrorism charges. So sometimes nepotism does work out in the end.

7. On Tuesday, a judge temporarily restored federal protections to wolves in Wyoming. “I think you missed the whole point of that story,” said three little pigs.

8. According to a new study, young men often run into difficulties when they attempt to buy the morning-after pill for their partners. The main problem, tricking their partners into taking it.

9. The U.S. National Institutes of Health began putting in place on Tuesday its new policy aimed at ending long-standing sex bias in biomedical research favoring male lab animals. So congratulations, “Lean In” worked.

10. A Florida woman spent $20,000 on surgery to get a third breast so that she would be unattractive to men because she was tired of dating. But you know there’s some nerd who’s a big fan of “Total Recall” who heard about this and thought “Jackpot!”

September 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Halfway through a news segment on the Alaska Cannabis Club, reporter Charlo Greene made an abrupt exit by quitting live on air. Or, as they refer to it up there, pulling a Palin.

2. According to a new study, people who have a heart attack while traveling abroad may be able to safely fly home on regular commercial flights. Assuming, of course, the plane has enough room in storage for the coffin.

3. MLB commissioner Bud Selig has intensified his efforts to speed up the pace of play in baseball. Said the 80-year-old Selig, “We need to hurry this up, Matlock comes on at 4.”

4. Three Afghan National Army officers, guests of the U.S. military at a training facility in Massachusetts, disappeared on Saturday and reappeared on Monday in the custody of Canadian border guards. But, in their defense, they were just practicing the skills they plan on implementing once back in Afghanistan, running the fuck away.

5. Kris Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, on Monday, filed for divorce from her husband Bruce Jenner. Kris said when she looked at Bruce she “didn’t see the man she fell in love with any more, but, instead, an expressionless woman.”

6. Kris Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, on Monday, filed for divorce from her husband Bruce Jenner. “Oh, that’s terrible news,” said idiots.

7. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. Fortunately the toddler had already got his cootie shots.

8. On Monday, the National Toy Hall of Fame announced its 2014 nominees, which include American Girl dolls, My Little Ponies, the Rubik’s Cube and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “Fuck them,” said a visibly-drunk Mr. Potatohead.

9. Over the weekend, a Czech zoo burned about 132 pounds of rhino horns as part of an international campaign designed to highlight the plight of a species being driven towards extinction by poachers. Although, I think it would have been a more effective protest if, before burning the horns, they had first removed them from the rhinos.

10. A Los Angeles attorney may have her law license suspended after state bar investigators found that she had superimposed images of herself into numerous celebrity photographs posted on her website. Said one long-time client, “So she wasn’t at the Last Supper?”

September 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cleveland’s city planning commission approved artwork on Friday for a ten story-high banner of LeBron James, with his arms outstretched and “Cleveland” across the back of his jersey. But, just to be safe, they’re using extra-flammable paint.

2. Last week, actor Keanu Reeves awoke at 4 AM to find a stalker lounging in the library of his Los Angeles home. That’s crazy, Keanu has a library?

3. On Sunday, tens of thousands of people marched through Manhattan to bring attention to global climate change. Considering the seasons the Mets, the Yankees, the Giants and the Jets are having, it’s nice that New Yorkers got the opportunity to enjoy one parade this fall.

4. During a trip to the mostly Muslim nation of Albania, Pope Francis rebuked militants who act in the name of religion, saying no one can act as the “armor of God.” Then he quickly got back into his bulletproof Popemobile.

5. In the first quarter of Sunday’s game between Detroit and Green Bay, Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch managed to hurt himself while celebrating a sack of Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers. “No wonder we’ve been able to stay so healthy,” said the Jacksonville Jaguars.

6. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. Legal experts predict a bitter custody battle over who gets the deep fryer.

7. On Friday, Crest said it would no longer be offering pink mouth guards to NFL players as part of the League’s annual Breast Cancer Awareness Month campaign this October. But the company will continue to give them away for free to all NFL wives and girlfriends.

8. Actress Angelina Jolie has been hired to direct a feature film about conservationist Richard Leaky’s campaign against ivory poachers that threaten Africa’s elephants. The movie’s working title is “Precious 2.”

9. Two conservative town council members in eastern Austria have resigned after a documentary film showed them singing and toasting one another in a basement filled with Nazi memorabilia. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to see Mel Gibson is back to making movies.

10. Basketball’s international regulatory body has announced that it will allow Sheikh, Muslim and Jewish players the right to wear religious headgear while playing. Because, apparently it wasn’t already easy enough to pick out the Jews on the court.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. During a concert in Monterey on Tuesday, singer Miley Cyrus offended many in attendance when one of her dancers used the Mexican flag to spank the oversized, fake butt she was wearing. It’s sad that one bad decision spoiled what otherwise would have been a very classy evening.

2. Surveillance tape showed that a man armed with a banana robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and made off on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. But, in his defense, it sounds like he really needed the money.

3. A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating during a yoga class. But, on the plus side, he got to keep that mat.

4. A consulting firm has published a 294-page report trying to improve the customer experience at Olive Garden restaurants. The first page says “Go eat somewhere else” and the remaining 293 pages are blank.

5. According to a new study, children who start having seizures soon after a vaccination and go on to develop epilepsy usually turn out to have an underlying cause of the seizure disorder. That, or they got their hands on some bad heroin.

6. Anheuser-Busch publicly chastised the National Football League on Tuesday for its decisions regarding recent domestic violence cases. Said a representative for the beer company, “The last we want Anheuser-Busch to be associated with is people making bad decisions.”

7. On Tuesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio was named a United Nations Messenger of Peace, a post he will use to raise awareness about climate change and hit on models.

8. It has been announced that Alex Trebek has grown back his famous mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy.” Not to be outdone, host Ryan Seacrest has finally gotten rid of his “beard.”

9. Senator Jeff Flake, an Arizona Republican, and Senator Mark Heinrich, a New Mexico Democrat, will star in a reality show set to air next month where they will be stranded on a desert island and forced to work together to survive. And, in future news, Jeff Flake and Mark Heinrich are dead.

10. According to a report filed in court by lawyers for the National Football League, about one in four NFL players are likely to end up suffering dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease or other cognitive impairments during their lifetime. The statistic is even higher for family members of NFL players.

September 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Larry Ellison, the world’s fifth richest person, worth $51 billion, announced he is retiring as CEO of Oracle, the company he founded in 1977. Ellison decided to step down when he remembered he was worth $51 billion.

2. During a concert in Monterey on Tuesday, singer Miley Cyrus offended many in attendance when one of her dancers used the Mexican flag to spank the oversized, fake butt she was wearing. It’s sad that one bad decision spoiled what otherwise would have been a very highbrow and classy evening.

3. San Francisco drag queens and a city lawmaker met with Facebook on Wednesday demanding the site change its policy banning users from using aliases in the social networking site. The drag queens also want to change how “poking” works.

4. A new study found that women in their eighties who fell indoors, rather than outdoors, died sooner than their peers. Unless, of course, they were skydiving.

5. After 260 years of exclusion, the Royal and Ancient golf club at St. Andrews in Scotland voted to allow women members. Their first act was to name Queen Elizabeth a honorary member because she is both royal and ancient.

6. Surveillance tape showed that a man armed with a banana robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and made off on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. But, in his defense, it sounds like he really needed the money.

7. Rush Limbaugh has ruffled some feathers by proclaiming on his radio program that sometimes when a woman says “no” she really means “yes.” Limbaugh also said it’s possible to build up an immunity to pepper spray.

8. In an effort to get illegal immigrants to join an identification card program, yesterday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio offered reduced-price admission to many of the city’s famed attractions, including the Bronx Zoo, the Met and Carnegie Hall. Said illegal immigrants, “We don’t need cheap access to those places, who do you think cleans them?”

9. Researchers who measured the slipperiness of banana peels, the ability of pork stripes to stop nosebleeds, and the reactions of reindeer to humans in polar bear suits were among the winners of this year’s Ig Nobel prizes for comical scientific achievements. While this year’s lifetime achievement award went to the people who designed the Obamacare website.

10. A Swiss goalkeeper has threatened legal action after fans of a rival team urinated in his water bottle and then taunted him when he, unaware, took a sip. “I can’t believe soccer isn’t more popular in the U.S.” said R Kelly.

11. A Mississippi coroner went on social media over the weekend to urge residents to buy guns and be willing to use them on burglars. Adding, “It’s important to protect oneself and also, it’s just good for business.”

12. A Frankfurt judge set aside a temporary injunction issued two weeks ago against Uber allowing the car-sharing service to begin again across Germany. Now comes the hard part, convincing anyone to get into a car with a German stranger.

13. A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating during a yoga class. But, on the plus side, he got to keep that mat.