June 17, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, children who are exposed to tobacco smoke from their fathers while they’re in the womb may be more likely than those who are not to develop asthma by age 6. Begging the question, exactly where are those guys blowing that smoke?

2. The island of Samoa has banned “Rocketman”, the movie based on Elton John, over its depiction of homosexuality. Begging the question, do you know how gay a movie has to be to be too gay for an island of men who dress like this?:

3. Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. was charged on Thursday with groping a woman at a Manhattan bar last weekend. But, look on the plus-side Cuba, at least someone recognized you.

4. In a recent interview, openly gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said he is open to raising a child. “You can have your pick,” said Trump: 

5. The World Health Organization said on Thursday, more than a million people every day worldwide catch a sexually transmitted infection, with rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis. “What can I say, I had a busy 2018,” said Colin Farrell.

6. According to a new report, the marijuana industry could surpass the NFL in revenue by 2020. Crazy to think that something so harmful for you brain could earn that much money, also weed is pretty bad too. 

7. According to a new study, children who are exposed to smoke from wildfires may experience a greater health impact than those exposed to smoke from prescribed controlled burns. So I guess that makes this kid Jack Leland: 

8. First Lady Melania Trump wore an elegant white below-the-knee Dolce & Gabbana dress with navy blue collar and belt and a custom hat by Herve Pierre when she met Queen Elizabeth last week at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Trump wore a mustard-stained suit from JC Penny’s Big & Tall line.

9. According to a new study, eating McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets increases the one’s chance of early death. Said McNugget eaters, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

10. The NBA has banned Golden State Warriors owner Mark Stevens for one season after he shoved a Toronto Raptors player during Game 3 of the NBA Finals. This stands in stark contrast to the New York Knicks’ owner who was caught doing the exact same thing and, as punishment, was forced to attend every single Knicks for the remainder of the season.

11. The symbolic tree that President Trump and his French counterpart, Emmanuel Macron, planted at the White House last year has died. Said Trump, “I don’t get it, I complete neglect my children and they’re still alive.”

12. A 30-year-old Spirit Airlines passenger on a flight from Detroit to New Orleans recently got himself banned for life after getting caught vaping in the airplane lavatory. Although, wouldn’t a real punishment be forcing him to continue to fly Spirit Airlines?

13. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson said he is currently living in what he calls the “no negative zone.” And, in unrelated news, the negative zone was found stabbed 74 times.

14. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. On the plus-side, the phrase “O.J. Simpson is following you,” now has a less threatening explanation.

15. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. Weird, I would have thought he’d be more into Facebook with all the poking.

16. President Trump said in an interview broadcast on Friday that former White House counsel Don McGahn “may have been confused” during his testimony as part of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Which if true, makes him even more qualified to be one of Trump’s attorneys:

June 3rd, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study has found that excessive consumption of sugary drinks can lead to an increased risk of heart disease. Said one concerned consumer, “Oh No!”:

2. After 1,095 days and more than 75,000 miles on the road, Mikah Meyer fulfilled his dream of visiting all 419 US national parks in a single journey. Now comes the hard part, finding something even more boring to accomplish.

3. Canadian lawmakers fumed on Tuesday when Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg snubbed an invitation to to testify on privacy in Ottawa. Forcing the Congress to take the most aggressive possible under the Canadian constitution, politely asking him to attend again.

4. MTV is flipping the script on dating, broadcasting what it says is the first reality dating competition show in which all the contestants identify as sexually fluid. Not to be confused with “The Jersey Shore,” which featured a lot of sexual fluids.

5. When asked if he is concerned about his legacy, President Trump’s Attorney General William Barr said, “Everyone dies.” Which, coincidentally is also this administration’s environmental policy.

6. Women’s fashion retailer Dress Barn announced this week that they are going out of business. Hard to believe that a business model based solely on comparing their clientele to farm animals didn’t work.

7. Middle schoolers in Ohio allegedly feed semen-filled crepes to their teachers. “Eww, yuck, crepes,” said Paris Hilton.

8. Middle schoolers in Ohio allegedly feed semen-filled crepes to their teachers. “I’ve never tasted anything like this before,” said the schools female gym teacher.

9. According to “The New York Post,” former baseball star Alex Rodriguez has hired a team of lawyers to prevent the spread of a photo taken of his Manhattan apartment building that shows him sitting on the toilet. Seeing Rodriguez pooping in a toilet around Spring-time would be very jarring for most, as they are most used to seeing him shit the bed in October.

10. Disney’s live-action “Aladdin” topped this weekend’s box-office with an estimated $105 million in the US. Trailing right behind Aladdin were three ICE agents.

11. New Hampshire abolished the death penalty on Thursday, becoming the 21st U.S. state to do so. That story again, nobody tell OJ where New Hampshire is.

12. According to a new study, attention-deficit disorder may be more common in elite athletes. That story again, the entirety of the New York Jets football team have very long attention spans.

13. Malaysia will return 450 tonnes of plastic waste to the countries that shipped it, because they refuse to become a dumping ground for the world’s trash. “Look who comes crawling back,” said New Jersey.