1. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. I’m not buying it, looks like someone needs some clean urine. I’m on to you Lindsay.
2. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. But hopefully not driving schools.
3. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. It’s all part of A&E’s news series “Scared Straight: Lindsay Lohan edition.”
4. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to school kids and cheering up young girls in hospitals. Adding, “They have drugs at hospitals right? Then, yeah, definitely hospitals.”
5. Director Steven Spielberg will preside over the 2013 Cannes Film Festival jury this May. So good luck getting anything into Cannes this year Ang Lee.
6. Authorities have found traces of horse DNA at beef storage facilities in Poland after several countries pointed to Poland as the source of the recent European horsemeat controversy. But in defense of those Polish storage facilities, they had recently lost their procedural manual which is essential to doing their job correctly. Their manual is the classic children’s book “The Cow Goes Moo.”
7. Singer Harry Styles, a member of the boy-band One Direction, was hit in the crotch by a shoe thrown by a fan at a recent concert. That’s a start, but how are we going to make sure that Justin Bieber never reproduces?
8 Today the Pope will officially resign, or the asshole will pull a Leno and hang around for a few more years.
9. JC Penny is taking a big hit in the stock market today, a day after the retailer reported disappointing 4th quarter results. This report shocked many since most people had no idea that JC Penny still existed.
10. As the result of a DUI conviction, singer Bobby Brown has been ordered to jail. When reached for comment, Brown said, “Yeah, I know how to get there, I’m very familiar.”