February 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. I’m not buying it, looks like someone needs some clean urine. I’m on to you Lindsay.

2. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. But hopefully not driving schools.

3. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to schools. It’s all part of A&E’s news series “Scared Straight: Lindsay Lohan edition.”

4. Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan has reportedly had an “epiphany” and would now like to share her story by giving inspirational speeches to school kids and cheering up young girls in hospitals. Adding, “They have drugs at hospitals right? Then, yeah, definitely hospitals.”

5. Director Steven Spielberg will preside over the 2013 Cannes Film Festival jury this May. So good luck getting anything into Cannes this year Ang Lee.

6. Authorities have found traces of horse DNA at beef storage facilities in Poland after several countries pointed to Poland as the source of the recent European horsemeat controversy. But in defense of those Polish storage facilities, they had recently lost their procedural manual which is essential to doing their job correctly. Their manual is the classic children’s book “The Cow Goes Moo.”

7. Singer Harry Styles, a member of the boy-band One Direction, was hit in the crotch by a shoe thrown by a fan at a recent concert. That’s a start, but how are we going to make sure that Justin Bieber never reproduces?

8 Today the Pope will officially resign, or the asshole will pull a Leno and hang around for a few more years.

9. JC Penny is taking a big hit in the stock market today, a day after the retailer reported disappointing 4th quarter results. This report shocked many since most people had no idea that JC Penny still existed.

10. As the result of a DUI conviction, singer Bobby Brown has been ordered to jail. When reached for comment, Brown said, “Yeah, I know how to get there, I’m very familiar.”

February 27, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Australian multi-millionaire has unveiled blueprints for the Titanic II, a modern replica of the world’s most famous ocean liner, which he plans to build and sail across the Atlantic. Oh, I’d love to go, but I have tickets for the Heidenberg II that weekend.

2. Mexico’s Interior Ministry announced 26,121 people have gone missing in Mexico over the past six years. “Ah, I think we have a couple of them over here,” said America.

3. According to a new study by Brandeis University, the wealth gap between blacks and whites has nearly tripled over the past 25 years due to inequality in home ownership, income, education and inheritances. But, according to a recent study conducted at Howard University it is because of “the man holdin a brotha down.”

4. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved Osphena, a drug used to treat women who experience pain during sexual intercourse. Or maybe just get a white boyfriend.

5. Tomorrow Pope Benedict XVI will officially resign. Time to take the Pope-mobile to the carwash to get rid of that “old Pope” smell.

6. A memorabilia dealer has put the white dance pants, winter coat and sports bra Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence wore in “Silver Linings Playbook” up for sale in an online auction. So we will finally know the answer to the age-old question of which creepy pervert has the most money.

7. Instagram announced Tuesday that it now has 100 million monthly active users. What an amazing age we live in that now I can see what 100 million people ate for lunch today.

8. A startup company called Outbox offers an alternative to the US Post Office by visiting subscribers’ homes, collecting their mail, delivering it to a warehouse, opening and photographing their letters and then emailing those photos to the subscriber. Or maybe you could just get off your lazy ass and walk to the mailbox, fatso.

9. Soccer star Mario Balotelli has reportedly commissioned a statue of himself, shirtless, posing after scoring a goal from local artist Livio Scarpella. Scarpella said he is excited about the project and hopes it comes out better than his shirtless statue of chef Mario Batali.

10. On Tuesday, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement is releasing “several hundred” people out of detention facilities to other “less costly” forms of supervision because of pending forced budget cuts. Good, now maybe someone will finally cut my lawn.

February 26, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Reps for Janet Jackson revealed that the singer married her husband Wissam Al Mana last year in a quiet ceremony. The couple kept the ceremony a secret because they wished to maintain their privacy, that and they didn’t want LaToya showing up.

2. On Sunday, nine-year-old Quvenzhane Wallis lost the Best Actress Oscar to Jennifer Lawrence. Although Quvenzhane seems like a great girl hopefully that will be the last time I will ever have to try to type that name. Come on, she didn’t even spell “Wallis” right.

3. New York state lawmaker, Dov Hikind, has apologized after pictures of him dressed in black face, an afro wig and an orange jersey from a Purim party at his house made their way online. Mr. Hikind told the New York Times he was supposed to be a “black basketball player.” Although I don’t remember there being a lot of black basketball players in the Jewish story of Purim.

4. Companies like DeadSocial are providing the ability to send out social media messages even after a user’s death. The service will publish messages directly from the deceased person’s social media accounts and can even send scheduled messages in the future for anniversaries or birthdays, so you can really fuck with those people’s minds.

5. Companies like DeadSocial are providing the ability to send out social media messages even after a user’s death. Good luck explaining this one to Manti Te’o.

6. A spokesperson for the Vatican announced that the Pope will keep the name Benedict XVI once he retires. He will also be known as pope emeritus, emeritus pope, Roman pontifex emeritus or that dude in the white bathrobe who keeps wandering aimlessly around Wal-Mart.

7. The Massachusetts Department of Children and Families has opened an investigation into the welfare of nine-year-old rapper Luie Rivera Jr., whose stage name is “Lil Poopy” and can be seen smacking a woman’s backside, rapping about cocaine and flashing wads of cash in YouTube videos. Looks like this year’s Parent of the Year competition is gonna be a tight one, step your game up Michael Lohan.

8. In response to an inquiry made by the mother of a five-year-old hearing impaired son, Marvel Comics has created The Blue Ear, a new member of the Avengers who uses a hearing aid. As with all superheros, Blue Ear has a super-weakness, his weakness, you guessed it, sound.

9. A magnitude 5.7 earthquake hit central Japan on Monday. In a related story, Japan just got into the “Harlem Shake” craze, coincidence?

10. Speaking at the White House, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said points of entry into the U.S. would become more vulnerable should staffing reductions become necessary to slash her agency’s budget. Why don’t you draw a detailed blueprint of how to attack America, you know that microphone is on and those cameras have film in them right, Janet?

February 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Jermaine Jackson, former member of the Jackson 5, has filed a petition to change his name to “Jermaine Jacksun”. When asked why, Jermaine said, “I wanted some attention, but I didn’t want to mutilate my face, dye my skin, have a nip slip or kill myself, so I settled on the name change.”

2. Pope Benedict XVI has accepted the resignation of Cardinal Keith O’Brien following allegations he abused four men studying to be priests in the 1980s. But, in his defense, sexual abuse was part of the curriculum.

3. Pope Benedict XVI has accepted the resignation of Cardinal Keith O’Brien following allegations he abused four men studying to be priests in the 1980s. “Oh shit, we have to resign because of that these days,” said every other Cardinal.

4. Pope Benedict XVI has accepted the resignation of Cardinal Keith O’Brien, this comes only a few days before Pope Benedict XVI will officially resign this Thursday. I smell a roadtrip to Mexico.

5. Yesterday Jimmie Johnson took the checkered flag to win the Daytona 500. Or, as non-NASCAR fans know him, not the chick.

6. All Palestinians in Israeli prisons, about 4,500 people, took part in a hunger strike in an effort to spur an investigation into an inmate’s death. In response to the hunger strike, prison officials said, “Yeah, we’re okay with it.”

7. Rapper MC Hammer was recently arrested in California for obstruction of justice after he was pulled over. Hammer, I think I speak for everyone when I say, please, don’t hurt’em.

8. Yesterday legendary actor Abe Vigoda turned 92. No word on whether for his birthday he got himself a big booty ho.

9. Park Geun-hye made history Monday by becoming South Korea’s first female president. Because nothing appeases your now-nuclear, stuck in the past neighbor, who hates your guts like acknowledging women’s rights.

10. Last night in a three-and-a-half hour star-studded ceremony full of beautiful people and stunning fashion, Hollywood handed out the Academy Awards. So now, it’s back to your sad, boring, sweatpants-filled life, you pathetic loser.

February 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. This weekend Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane will entertain Oscar by singing show-tunes in an effeminate voice. Then, later, he will host the Academy Awards.

2. This weekend Hollywood will celebrate the 85th Academy Awards by handing out the Oscar statuette. And, hopefully, with any luck, take a few back…I’m looking at you Adrian Brody.

3. New details have been released from the foiled plot to castrate singer Justin Bieber. The man behind the plan, you guessed it, Bob Barker.

4. This weekend in Indianapolis, NFL hopefuls will gather for scouts to run the 40-yard dash, lift weights and take an aptitude test known as the Wonderlic. But I think to save time, Manti Te’o can skip that last part.

5. Bobbi Kristina, the daughter of the late singer Whitney Houston, and her adopted brother, Nick Gordon, have ended their romantic relationship. When asked about the relationship, Bobbi Kristina said, “We were just honoring our mother’s wishes, she always said ‘over her dead body.'”

6. Bobbi Kristina, the daughter of the late singer Whitney Houston, and her adopted brother, Nick Gordon, have ended their romantic relationship. In a related story, Whitney Houston has finally stopped turning over in her grave.

7. A study conducted by ocean conservation group Oceana found that roughly one-third of the time the seafood we buy, order or eat has been mislabeled. In response to the report, Burger King said, “Does this mean the attention is off us and that whole horse-meat thing?”

8. New York City is dealing with a rat problem as a result of Superstorm Sandy driving rats above ground. Hell, it’s still better than Detroit.

9. Las Vegas police are checking surveillance tapes for clues in relation to the shootout on the strip that led to the death of three people, including one rapper. “Oh, now you care about rappers’ deaths,” said the ghost of 2pac, “thanks for nothing.”

10. Yesterday, Drew Peterson was sentenced to thirty-eight years in prison for the murder of his third wife. So take note ladies, in just thirty-eight short years, Peterson will be out on the prowl and you could be lucky number four.

February 21, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, after 148 years, Mississippi officially ratified the 13th Amendment to abolish slavery. So welcome to the 19th century Mississippi.

2. Last week, after 148 years, Mississippi officially ratified the 13th Amendment to abolish slavery. In a statement, Mississippi said, “Well we’re resigned to the fact that this whole ‘not owning people’ thing seems to be for real.”

3. Last week, after 148 years, Mississippi officially ratified the 13th Amendment to abolish slavery. Which is a good start, but I think the next step should be to change their state mascot of John Wilkes Booth.

4. Last week, after 148 years, Mississippi officially ratified the 13th Amendment to abolish slavery. So congratulations Mississippi?

5. The Army has revoked the promotion from major to lieutenant colonel of Paula Broadwell, the one-time mistress of CIA Director David Petraeus. When reached for comment, Broadwell said, “Who does a girl have to sleep with to get a promotion around here?”

6. Today is Rihanna’s 25th birthday. It’s hard to shop for the girl who has everything, but I decided to get her icepacks, they help with the swelling.

7. Florida Atlantic University has struck a naming rights deal for its football stadium with the GEO Group, a multinational corporation that runs and manages prisons. Seems like a good idea, cuts out the middleman.

8. In a federal courthouse yesterday, former U.S. Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. gave up his right to a trial and pleaded guilty to charges of using campaign funds for personal use. Asked why he gave up his right to trial, Jackson said, “I have no interest in wasting the taxpayers’ time or money,” adding, “plus, we have a black President, I’m pretty sure I’ll get pardoned.”

9. A mother in upstate New York is being charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child after she hired strippers to attend her sixteen-year-old son’s birthday. The parents of five teens who attended the party reported the presence of strippers to the police. In a related story, those five kids will never be invited to another party again.

10. A mother in upstate New York is being charged with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child after she hired strippers to attend her sixteen-year-old son’s birthday. In a related story, my parents sucked.

11. Rob Morrison, a news anchor for WCBS in New York City has resigned following allegations that he choked his wife in their Connecticut home. In a statement Morrison said, “[my] family is my first and only priority right now.” In response, his family said, “Oh please, no, go back to work.”

February 20, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. 80-year-old record executive and music mogul Clive Davis revealed in his recently released memoir that he is bisexual. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw-up forever.

2. 80-year-old record executive and music mogul Clive Davis revealed in his recently released memoir that he is bisexual. In a related story, record producer and convicted murderer Phil Spector, who is currently serving a prison sentence of 19 years to life, is also bisexual, just not by choice.

3. Actor Alec Baldwin is being accused of verbally assaulting a paparazzo in New York earlier this week. No word on whether the photog he insulted was his daughter.

4. The man accused of a slapping a crying baby on a Delta flight turned himself in to authorities yesterday. But don’t worry, I’m confident he’ll get what’s coming to him because he may have the worst answer ever to the question of “Whatcha in here for?”

5. Da’Quan Bowers, a defensive end for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was arraigned late Monday in New York for having a loaded gun in his suitcase at LaGuardi Airport. On the plus side, at least he didn’t shoot himself in the leg, right Plaxico?

6. Tea Party members apologized Tuesday for sending out emails with an edited image of political strategist Karl Rove wearing a Nazi uniform. In response, Rove said, “Edited…yeah….that’s the ticket.”

7. Microsoft announced that it is going to be moving more than 300 million Hotmail users over to its new Outlook.com email service. So expect a few confused phone calls from your parents this week.

8. Danica Patrick became the first woman to earn the pole position for a Sprint Cup race earlier this week at Daytona. I’m sure NASCAR fans will be accepting, because if there’s one thing drunk Southerners who still wave the Confederate flag love it’s progress and change.

9. For the first time in six years, the number of cosmetic breasts surgeries is declining and the number of people lifting, injecting and lasering their faces is increasing. But that still doesn’t explain what the hell happened to Bruce Jenner.

10. On Tuesday, Apple said that a small amount of their computers had been hacked when some employees visited a developer website that exploited a vulnerability in the Java browser plug-in, installing malware on their Mac computers. Adding, “Okay, they were looking at porn.”

February 19, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Well it’s official, the Laker’s terrible season finally killed a guy.

2. The Lakers are having such a bad year, that instead of watching them tank the second half of the season Dr. Jerry Buss took the easy way out.

3. Police in Singapore are reporting what appears to be a ring of online scam artists who use attractive women to ‘friend’ victims on social sites, seduce them into cybersex on webcams and then threaten to post images if they don’t pay up. Who’s gonna break the bad news to Manti Te’o?

4. Police in Singapore are reporting what appears to be a ring of online scam artists who use attractive women to ‘friend’ victims on social sites, seduce them into cybersex on webcams and then threaten to post images if they don’t pay up. How dare you Yi Ling, I thought what we had was special! Our love was like rain!

5. A new study published in the Journal of American Medical Association finds hip replacements are thirty-percent more likely to fail in women than men. Great, another thing you women are terrible at.

6. Robbers stole $50 million in diamonds in a heist at a Belgian Airport on Monday. I thought Lindsay Lohan was still on probation.

7. Iceland is looking into banning internet pornography saying, “[S]urely if we can send a man to the moon, we must be able to tackle porn on the Internet.” But it’s quotes like that that make me feel like Iceland hasn’t been on the internet in a while.

8. Iceland is exploring ways to ban internet pornography. Iceland has already banned the printing and distribution of pornography and strip clubs. These actions fall in line with Iceland’s new slogan: Iceland, even the Amish think we’re uptight.

9. Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson will trade places with mother of eight Kate Gosselin in an upcoming episode of “Celebrity Wife Swap” on ABC. In a related story, there are now only five Gosselin kids.

10. Florida Senator Marco Rubio arrived in Jordan yesterday, kicking off a trip to the Middle East that will take him to Israel as well. Good idea, send the man with the unquenchable thirst to the desert. It’s all part of his “I’m a little parched” tour.

February 18, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. On a Delta flight last week, a man slapped a crying 19-month-old baby seated next to him. Which is outrageous because everyone knows you have to shake a baby to get it to stop crying.

2. On a Delta flight last week, a man slapped a crying 19-month-old baby seated next to him. Unfortunately it was not the E-trade baby.

3. On a Delta flight last week, a man slapped a crying 19-month-old baby seated next to him. I didn’t know Joe Jackson flew Delta.

4. President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods yesterday in Florida. The President said he was hoping to pick up a few pointers around the greens and Tiger said he was hoping to pick up Michelle.

5. Last week a killer whale living in captivity at the San Diego Zoo gave birth to a 300-plus pound baby orca. That’s funny, I thought Snooki already gave birth.

6. At auction over the weekend, JFK’s Air Force One bomber jacket sold for $629,000. When reached for comment, the winning bidder said, “It will be my lucky jack…er,ugh…it will be my jacket.”

7. At auction over the weekend, JFK’s Air Force One bomber jacket sold for $629,000. The winning bidder said he plans on wearing the jacket every-now-and-again, just never near libraries.

8. The viral hit “Harlem Shake” has become the most downloaded song on iTunes. Suck on that “Gangham Style.” U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A.

9. Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor admitted to misusing money donated to a charity to fund her $1 billion gambling habit. When reached for comment, former D.C. mayor Marion Barry said, “See, I’m not such a bad guy. I always paid for my crack out of my pocket.”

10. Former San Diego Mayor Maureen O’Connor admitted to misusing money donated to a charity to fund her $1 billion gambling habit. O’Connor was San Diego’s first female mayor, and I’m gonna go out-on-a-limb and say its last as well.

11. CBS has cancelled the Jeff Probst Show, a daytime talk-show starring the Survivor host. “Oh really? Jeff Probst had a talk show?” said everyone.

12. Last night, the Western Conference All-Stars won the NBA All-Star game 143 to 138. So if you bet on the game, you have a gambling problem. (And may be the former mayor of San Diego).

February 15, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. This weekend Houston will host the NBA All-Star game and will also be the impetus of many future episodes of Maury.

2. After days on a cruise ship without electricity and working toilets, thousands of passengers are now finally off the ship and ashore in Alabama, although, how could you tell?

3. For $850 a company in Missouri will freeze dry your pet so you can keep him forever. Or maybe you can just take a picture, weirdo.

4. For $850 a company in Missouri will freeze dry your pet so you can keep him forever. But don’t send them your grandma because apparently, as they explained to me, they have a problem with that.

5. The Senate vote on Chuck Hagel’s nomination as Defense Secretary failed yesterday with fifty-eight Senators voting to move forward, forty voting to hold-up the process and Republican Senator Orrin Hatch voting “present”. Although, Senator Hatch, if you keep voting like that, not for long.

6. The GOP once again voted to filibuster and hold-up President Obama’s nomination of Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense. So note to all our enemies, we don’t have a Defense Secretary right now.

7. Yesterday, new Secretary of State John Kerry addressed the issue of Syria, specifically Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s refusal to step down by saying, “I believe there are additional things that can be done to change his perception.” It should be noted that while Kerry was saying this he was looking directly at the camera menacingly while slowly beating his fist into the palm of his other hand.

8. The Chicago Crime Commission named Joaquin “El Chupe” Guzman the new Public Enemy No. 1 on Thursday, a designation once held by Al Capone. When reached for comment, Mr. Guzman said, “Oh my God, what an honor, so many people to thank. First off, the devil.”

9. Yesterday, in cities around the world, men and women danced as part of 1 Billion Rising, a global day of action to remind the world that violence toward women still persists. Although, I think the celebration sent mixed signals since all they danced to was Chris Brown music.

10. On Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI made his first public appearance since announcing his impending resignation. The Pope said, “I’ve decided to resign the ministry given to me by the Lord,” adding, “the Lord has given me my next mission: following Phish around the world.”