May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

September 21, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. I saw it and all I’ll say is he’s no Stretch Armstrong.

2. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. “I remember it being much bigger,” said Robin.

3. Polish President Andrzej Duda urged President Donald Trump on Tuesday during a joint news conference to deploy more US troops and military equipment to Poland, even suggesting the US establish a permanent military base and name it “Fort Trump.” “Name’s already taken,” said Eric:

4. Actor Tom Arnold is accusing reality producer Mark Burnett of attacking him at a pre-Emmys party Sunday night. That is a crazy story, who is inviting Tom Arnold to an Emmys party?

5. SpaceX revealed Monday that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be its first space tourist. So congratulations to Mr. Maezawa and an even bigger congratulations to his immediate heirs.

6. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon on Sunday said he regretted comments that he was “smarter” than President Trump. In response, President Trump said JP Morgan is a loser who was never funny on “30 Rock.”

7. China has arrested a 17-year-old junior high school dropout who pretended to be a billionaire, gave himself fake titles and posted Photoshopped pictures of himself with world leaders. Authorities knew something was amiss when they saw this picture:

8. This week, Soon-Yi broke her silence giving an interview where she accused her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. “That’s no way to treat a child,” said a judge to Woody Allen. 

9. Soon-Yi has broken her silence to defend husband Woody Allen and accuse her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. Said Woody, “It’s unthinkable that Mia could abuse her when she was child, especially because she was such a hot little child.” 

10. Tuesday was National Be Late for Something day.  So, if you didn’t celebrate, you still got time.

11. Julie Chen, the wife of former CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, is stepping down from role as host of CBS’s “The Talk.” In response, Moonves said he regrets that these allegations have forced his wife to leave her job and also that he won’t be around to sexually harass whatever hot chick they find to replace her. 

12. In Stormy Daniel’s soon-to-be-released memoir, she described President Trump’s penis saying, “He knows he has an unusual penis.” Begging the question, do you know how weird that penis has to be to stand out as weird on that body?

 

13. President Donald Trump on Monday praised Judge Brett Kavanaugh as “one of the finest people that I’ve ever known” in his first public comments since the Supreme Court nominee was publicly accused of sexual assault. And when you think about the people that he knows, he’s probably right:

14. On Thursday, Hawaiian Airlines announced the launch of “the longest regularly scheduled domestic route in US history,” an 11-hour flight between Boston and Honolulu. But, since the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie’, it will feel a lot longer.

15. A student pilot is in custody after he allegedly hopped a security fence early Thursday at Florida’s Orlando International Airport, boarded a passenger jet that was undergoing maintenance, and attempted to take-off. But can you really fault anyone who’s just trying to get the hell out of Orlando?

16. Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell claims that President Trump suggested Spain should build a wall across the Sahara desert to deal with the issue of migration from Africa. But I’m calling bullshit because there’s no way Trump knows the Sahara Desert is in Africa. 

17. A New York prisoner known for drawings golf courses was set free Wednesday after nearly three decades behind bars. A convicted felon who loves golf, is it possible to be over-qualified to be a part of the Trump White House? 

18. A woman in Kentucky was arrested this weekend and charged with assault of an officer after she reportedly “released her bowels” on her arrested officer. Said the woman, “Oh sure, when I do it, I get arrested, but when Al Roker does it, he gets invited to the White House”:

19. A federal judge will not force Georgia to use paper ballots for the November election, citing the potential for last-minute confusion. “That is confusing,” said most Georgia residents looking at a pencil and paper.

20. This week, while speaking about Hurricane Florence, President Trump said, “it’s one of the wettest we have ever seen from the standpoint of water.” Later in that a day, Trump had one of the wettest lunches we have ever seen from the standpoint of gravy.

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

July 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Said Perry, “Dammit, I knew ‘Ukraine’ sounded like a made-up country.”

2. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. That story again, a prank caller in Russia definitely has the nuclear codes now.

3. While giving a speech in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, “with the exception of the late great Abraham Lincoln, I could be more presidential than any president who has ever held this office.” Adding, “And I should know, I’m a student of history, just ask my good friend Frederick Douglass.”

4. On Tuesday, an alleged bank robber stripped down and ran naked along a Florida roadway in a failed bid to evade the cops. Florida, where stripping down naked and running on a highway is seen as an attempt to blend in.

5. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s Connecticut home is on the market for $1.3 million. Man, if those walls could talk, Hernandez probably would have murdered them too.

6. Longevity expert Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara died this week at the age of 105. He is survived by some pretty smug 106-year-olds.

7. According to a new study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. And, unsurprisingly, they all order the fish.

8. A bride-to-be is holding an auction for potential bridesmaids to bid for a place in her wedding. “Going, going, gone,” said someone narrating how the groom reacted to hearing that.

9. A temporary O.J. Simpson museum is set to open in Los Angeles next month. And, if you need someone who has experience collecting O.J. memorabilia, I know a guy:

10. At a rally in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, if he had not been elected, the Second Amendment would have been “gonezo.” Which is the second time he’s mentioned a Muppet:

June 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in India has broken the Guinness World Record for longest time spinning a basketball on a toothbrush. I don’t know whose record he broke, but I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t Anthony Davis’s:

2. A man in Minnesota who had outstanding warrants attempted to avoid arrest by handing a deputy a “Get Out of Jail Free” Monopoly card after being pulled over. Although, if he wanted to avoid prison, he should have used the original get out of jail card, being white.

3. A man in Minnesota who had outstanding warrants attempted to avoid arrest by handing a deputy a “Get Out of Jail Free” Monopoly card after being pulled over. And, in case that didn’t work, the man also brought the lead pipe from Clue as a back-up plan.

4. On Thursday, President Trump took to Twitter to accuse co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezinski of having a face-lift. And, if that’s true, I guess we know what the doctor did with all her extra skin:

5. On Thursday, President Trump took to Twitter to accuse co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezinski of having a face-lift. Which is reminiscent of the time Abraham Lincoln accused Betsy Ross of getting lipo:

6. Police in New Jersey are looking for a suspect who stole a street sweeper and went on a brief joyride before crashing it. That crazy store again, New Jersey owns and operates street sweepers and still looks like that.

7. A woman is suing doctors at an Atlanta hospital after she says they left a camera inside her body during an organ transplant six months ago. “Well, that explains all the trouble I’ve been having with my new camera,” said the doctor:

8. Yesterday, the White House announced that President Trump will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit in Germany next week. Where I assume Putin will give Trump his bi-annual employee performance review.

9. After initially saying foreign fiancees of American citizens would not be allowed into the U.S. under President Trump’s travel ban, the administration reversed course yesterday and said they would be. Because, in the words of Trump himself, “Melania is getting older and you never know.”

10. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Which is weird, because if you stuck me with needles or shocked me, I think I’d be more inclined to piss myself.

11. Yesterday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. But, in the man’s defense, I’ve read the commandments and they don’t say anything about not doing that.

12. This week the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said the newly proposed Republican healthcare bill will result in 22 million people losing their health insurance. To put that number in perspective, if you laid that many people next to each other, side-by-side, it would, and probably will, look like this:

13. Canada is restoring an historic brothel that was once owned by President Trump’s grandfather in the late 1800’s. And, I like to think if Trump’s granddad were alive today he would be disappointed that his descendants ruined his good, whorehouse-owning name.

14. Two-time NBA Most Valuable Player Stephen Curry has received a sponsor exemption to play in the Web.com Tour’s Ellie Mae Classic golf competition next month. Of course, he has no chance of winning, not because he’s a basketball player, but because Kevin Durant isn’t playing with him.

15. A rabbi in New Jersey has been charged in a conspiracy to defraud Medicaid. The rabbi is expected to plead “For this I go to jail?”

16. Police in Australia recovered a baby bottle that had been turned into a bong with a swastika on its side. So, I guess congratulations are in order on the new addition to Mel Gibson.

17. An 88-year-old Illinois man claims a one-eyed prostitute stole his wallet after he paid for and had a blowjob performed on him. Said the prostitute, “Blowing that old man was the first time in my entire life I wished I was completely blind.”

18. Dennis Rodman plans to return to North Korea in August and has invited “Good Morning America” anchor Michael Strahan to go with him. Well, to be accurate, Kelly Ripa nominated Michael Strahan to go.

19. For the fourth time in a row a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. And Anthony Weiner has never been so jealous, not that the dog was elected mayor, but because it can lick itself.

20. A Japanese airline forced a disabled passenger to crawl up a flight of stairs to board his flight. “I can’t believe that,” said United, “you passed up a perfect opportunity to justifiably drag a passenger down the aisle.”

June 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, there are more gay people in America than adult virgins. This according to a poll taken somewhere other than ComicCon.

2. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.

3. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.

4. The New York Mets mascot, Mr. Met, has come under fire after a cellphone video surfaced showing him giving a fan the middle finger. Even worse, after a thorough investigation, it was determined that the Phillie Phanatic has been coming to work without pants for years:

5. A 98-year-old California woman has written over 7,000 letters to troops overseas. Every letter thanks the soldier for their service and asks him to “kill a dirty Kraut for her.”

6. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”

7. Police in Michigan arrested a woman for allegedly stealing flowers, a bench and other objects from local cemeteries to decorate her house. But, in her defense, she was just trying to make her husband, Larry King, feel more at home.

8. According to a new report, President Trump has traded in his Android smartphone for an iPhone with only one app, Twitter. It’s the first time Trump has been limited to just one app in a very long time:

9. A 38-year-old Indian climber who made the fastest double ascent of Mount Everest and became the first woman to reach the highest point on earth twice in five days, says she will now turn her attention to smaller unclimbed peaks. But, sometimes, smaller peaks remained unclimbed by women for a reason:

10. A woman fired a starter pistol at a race so close to the Prime Minister of Belgium’s ear that he had to undergo medical treatment and cancel a speech in Parliament. “You think that’s bad,” said Lincoln.

11. A drunk man in Pennsylvania was arrested yesterday for repeatedly calling 911 just to talk. Said the man at the jailhouse, “I get one phone call, right?”

12. According to a new study, foods that wind up in the garbage contain many of the same nutrients that Americans are missing in their diets. Said Americans, “Yeah, no shit, how do you think they wound up in the trash in the first place?”

13. According to reports, almost half of President Trump’s 31 million Twitter followers appear to be fake. Even more disturbing, the other half appear to be real.

14. While giving a commencement speech, actor Robert De Niro said that America has turned into “a tragic, dumb comedy.” “I’ll do it,” said Nicholas Cage.

15. A hot air balloon in Canada crashed after a man onboard proposed to his girlfriend. Said the woman, “This is the worst day of my life,” and then he proposed.

16. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president, recently purchased an $8 million house in Washington D.C. It has four bedrooms and there bathrooms, but I’m guessing Conway’s gonna spend most of her time in the basement:

17. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit “What I Learned from PornHub” videos. So, expect a lot of videos detailing how to clear you browser history.

18. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so big as a defense mechanism against being eaten. “I love a challenge,” said Chris Christie:

19. Mark Zuckerberg said he plans to visit very U.S. state this year to learn more about Facebook’s users. “Every state? Are you even allowed to do that?” asked Hillary.

20. Gunsticles, which are fake testicles that hang from your gun, are now a thing. Because not every guy with a small penis can afford a Porsche.

21. Over the weekend, actor and amateur pilot Harrison Ford had multiple failed takeoffs due to mechanical issues. “Yeah, tell me about it,” said Calista Flockhart.

22. A Palestinian judge has banned divorces during the month of Ramadan as “people make hasty decisions when they are hungry.” Which is Taco Bell’s entire business model.