October 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/06/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. Historians in France have discovered what they believe is a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa. Even crazier, they also found a sex tape:

2. Arthur Janov, a psychotherapist known for developing primal scream therapy, has died at the age of 93. So good luck getting a moment of silence at that funeral.

3. On Tuesday, director Brett Ratner tapped actor Jared Leto to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic of the ‘Playboy’ founder. So if Hugh hadn’t died last week, this probably would have done it.

4. Comedian Nick Cannon refused to apologize Wednesday night after using offensive words during a performance at a Catholic university. The objectionable language included the f-word, the n-word and the phrase “coming to the stage next, Nick Cannon.”

5. According to reports, at a maximum-security prison in Alaska, inmates were stripped naked in front of female guards and walked around on a dog leash. “Alright, maybe I will like prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

6. According to reports, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign back in July, but Vice President Mike Pence convinced him to stay by giving him a pep talk. A pep talk that Pence has gotten very good at after having to deliver it daily to Melania.

7. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi said Friday that O.J. Simpson is not welcome to relocate to Florida once he’s released from prison. So my advice to Simpson is to not move to Florida and my advice to Bondi is to not forget her glasses at a restaurant.

8. President Donald Trump reportedly called Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones four times asking him not to have the team kneel during the national anthem before their last game. Which makes this picture so much funnier:

9. In a recent poll, where respondents were asked to give a one word description of President Trump, the ten most common responses were “incompetent,” “arrogant,” “strong, “idiot,” “egotistical,” “ignorant,” “great,” “racist,” “ass” and “narcissistic.” “Man, what’s a guy got to do to get the word ‘dotard’ trending,” said Kim Jong Un.

10. Country music superstar Garth Brooks announced this week that he is writing an autobiography that will span five books. And, from the look of Brooks, I’m guessing two of the books are a recipe for rice pudding:

11. British tennis player Dan Evans has been banned from competitive play for a year after testing positive for cocaine. Authorities became suspicious after he altered his side of the court just a bit:

12. On Wednesday, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to three scientists for their discoveries in cryoelectron microscopy. Coming in a close second was President Trump with his discovery that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

13. After being released from prison, O.J. Simpson said “nothing has changed” in his life during the nine years he spent behind bars. “You’d be surprised,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

14. In a recent interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t decided if he will run for re-election in 2018. Or, I assume, skip the election and just declare himself the winner.

15. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that is only sixteen minutes long. But, in the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie,’ so it feels much longer.

16. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have left customers vulnerable to identity theft. Which is weird because I’ve never seen anyone eating at a Sonic and thought “man, that guy has his life together, I’d love to be him.”

17. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have allowed hackers to access customer’s credit card information. I’m usually not in favor of identity theft, but some guys have it coming:

18. All five former living U.S. presidents will take part in a benefit concert for hurricane relief later this month. All of them agreed to participate due to their deep-seated desire to help Americans in need, except for Clinton, he just wants to meet Rihanna.

19. Last week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk predicted one day soon rockets will be able to fly people from New York to Shanghai in just 39 minutes. “Dammit, I resigned too soon,” said Tom Price.

20. A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with trying to hide marijuana in the bushes outside a courthouse before a probation hearing. “Yeah, I could have told you that’s not a good hiding spot,” said one man:

September 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 09/27/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. After last night’s first presidential debate many viewers came away saying that both candidates did little to help their image as they continued to lie. For instance, during the debate Donald Trump said he was never in favor of the Iraq war, while at one point Hillary Clinton said “It’s great to be here with you, Donald.”

2. During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said she had a feeling before the night was through that Donald Trump would say she was responsible for every bad thing that ever happened. Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, everyone knows that Ted Cruz’s father is responsible for JFK’s assassination.”

3. During Monday night’s debate, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he thinks he provided a great service to the country by getting President Obama to release his birth certificate. Luckily this time bone spurs didn’t get in the way of Trump serving his country.

4. Puppets resembling presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump squared off in New York City on Monday a few hours before the real debate. No word on who was working the Clinton and Trump puppets, but I’m gonna guess the big banks and Vladimir Putin respectively.

5. On Monday, Glenn Beck, a staunch Ted Cruz supporter in the 2016 GOP presidential race, apologized to listeners for backing Cruz after the Senator’s recent endorsement of Donald Trump. So add that to the long list of reasons to hate Ted Cruz, he made me like Glenn Beck.

6. Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday because she didn’t have credentials to be there. Marking the first time anyone has ever been rejected from Hofstra. (You’re a safety school at best, deal with it)

7. According to a new poll, Mexicans favor Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton over Republican Donald Trump by a 10-1 ratio. A 10-1 ratio of Mexicans, or, as Donald Trump calls it, his recurring nightmare.

8. A Shanghai restaurant has closed down a day after being awarded a coveted Michelin star. So, at this rate, Guy Fieri’s restaurant will be open forever.

9. The Backstreet Boys have announced plans to play a Las Vegas residency in 2017. In a city of gambling, the boy band will serve as a constant reminder to save your money.

10. A transgender man in South Africa made history over the weekend by giving birth to a child with his transgender wife. “So, which one of you is breastfeeding me?” said a very confused baby.

May 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 05/12/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. On Tuesday, a professional baseball player in Japan won a year’s worth of beer after launching a homerun that hit a Kirin Beer sign in the stands. With all that free beer, let’s hope he’s not the designated hitter.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump accused Democratic rival Hillary Clinton of being “nasty and mean” to the women who slept with her husband. Which is a completely foreign concept to Trump, being ‘nasty and mean’ to women for any reason other than the fact that they are women.

3. A dating website called Maple Match is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. So I’m just gonna assume it was started by Marla Maples.

4. A dating website is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. So, in the future, many Bernie Sanders supporters may still feel the burn, but this time it’ll be from frostbite.

5. Scientists have invented a product they are calling a ‘second skin’ that can be applied to a person’s body to reduce wrinkles. Which is great news for anyone who owns a pug but really wants a chihuahua.

6. On Wednesday, the Buffalo Bills announced that they will retire the number of Thurman Thomas, the second-best running back in franchise history, who was known for his slashing style of running. The franchise’s leading running back, O.J. Simpson, has not had his number retired because of his slashing style of everything else.

7. Pop star Taylor Swift was honored with the first ever ‘Taylor Swift Award’ on Tuesday at the BMI Pop Awards 2016. “Everybody knows I should have won that award!” said Kanye.

8. The world’s largest Lego store opened in Shanghai on Wednesday. It would have opened early, but they couldn’t find one of those 2-by-4 bricks to finish the building.

9. There is a new dating site called “Awake Dating,” that aims to match up conspiracy theorists. Asking a bunch paranoid wackos to fill out a profile full of personal information and put it on the internet, solid business plan, what could go wrong?

10. A Florida woman was arrested early Wednesday on allegations of stealing a bagel truck in Orlando and leading authorities on a three-county joyride. But, to be fair, it was a Lenders Bagel truck.

January 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 01/15/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. A German meals-on-wheels charity apologized this week after serving three senior citizens dog food that was incorrectly labeled as venison. But, on the plus-side, Nana’s coat has never looked so shiny.

2. The Oregon farmers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on January 2nd have asked supporters to send supplies like food and water, but instead have received gag gifts like sex toys, glitter and nail polish. “Oh, those were gag gifts,” said one disappointed farmer.

3. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz failed to disclose a loan from Goldman Sachs for $500,000 that helped finance his successful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign. It’s a bad sign for you’re presidential campaign when you’re hiding financial information and an even worse sign when you’re the bad guy in a story about Goldman Sachs.

4. A new study found that women in the United States are waiting longer than ever to have babies, with the average age for first childbirth rising to a record high of 26.3 years. “Does no one want to be a star?” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

5. A Pennsylvania man who traveled to Arizona to have sex with a horse before being nabbed by undercover police was sentenced on Thursday to 18 months probation. “Only 18-months probation!?! That definitely wasn’t worth it,” said the undercover cop who was the back part of the horse costume.

6. A new, 122-foot dinosaur skeleton to be unveiled on Friday at New York’s American Museum of Natural History is too big to fit in the fossil hall. Said the skeleton, “I bet you say that to all the dinosaur fossils.”

7. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, when referencing Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s ability to be president, Donald Trump said there’s a big question mark on Cruz’s head. Because, apparently Trump doesn’t understand irony or own a mirror.

8. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, John Kasich said he was sure that Democrat Bernie Sanders would not be president. In what has to be the best example ever of the phrase, “It takes one, to know one.”

9. Tuesday night, Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, attended the State of the Union speech in Washington D.C. Said gay couples in Kentucky, “Quick, now’s our chance.”

10. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone and Oscar moving to a recycling bin. Said Oscar, “Elmo gets a brownstone and I get a fucking recycling bin? Yeah, I’m definitely voting for Bernie Sanders.”

11. Walt Disney’s new theme park in Shanghai is slated to open on June 16th. On that day, Chinese kids will start enjoying the theme park as opposed to building it.

12. It was announced this week that Barnum & Bailey will stop using elephants in their shows starting this May. “You know they whip us,” said the lions.

13. The world famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who knows how to get the smell of old people and gonorrhea out of a rug.

14. On Friday, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney voiced his support for current candidate Ted Cruz by tweeting “@tedcruz is a ‘natural born citizen.’” Because no one knows what a natural citizen looks like more than a robot from Utah.

15. Last week, the federal government unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines which recommend that people eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grain. Thus combining two things that Americans love, eating healthy food and reading.

16. Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag featuring shirts and hats covered in pictures of pepperoni pizzas. Although, by the look of most Pizza Hut customers, they can get pepperoni pizza on their shirts all by themselves.

17. A group of Lebanese students have designed a ‘smart suitcase’ that follows its owner. “Yes, but can it throw itself at my assistant?” said Naomi Campbell.

18. On January 1st, Pfizer raised prices for more than 100 of its drugs. “Which ones?” said very nervous, panicky middle-aged men.

19. A judge in Columbus wrote a poem to let a prisoner suing an Ohio penitentiary for “emotional distress” know that his lawsuit was being denied and read it in court. As a result, all those in attendance are now suing the judge for emotional distress.

20. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher with orders received for almost four times the print run. Said the publisher, “Oh, this was a terrible idea.”

October 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/29/2015 by prejectedjokes

1. Oxford University has conducted a study to find out where people are most uncomfortable being touched. Finally answering the age-old question, can you take out a restraining order against entire university.

2. A prominent Chinese economist named Xie Zuoshi is suggesting that, due to China’s shortage of women Chinese, men should share wives. Whereupon Zuoshi was immediately sued by Henny Youngman.

3. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that two-thirds of the world’s population under 50 have herpes. So I guess people really are keeping up with the Kardashians.

4. On Tuesday, the Fox telecast of Game One of the World Series in Kansas City was knocked off the air for 20 minutes after a broadcast truck lost power. When power was restored, viewers were angry to see they had missed three mound visits, an umpire replay and two whole pitches.

5. This week, the World Health Organization found a link between eating red meat and cancer. Unsurprisingly, here’s a picture of one of the scientists who conducted the study:

6. The U.S. Air Force announced on Monday their new model of stealth bombers will cost half a billion dollars each. “In that case, I’ll just take two,” said Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

7. A markswoman has released a video that shows her carving a pumpkin by firing a rifle at it. So let me congratulate in advance the kids brave enough to ring that lady’s doorbell on Halloween.

8. A Canadian restaurant chain is introducing a new half-pound burger featuring a meat patty stuffed with Reese’s peanut butter cups and topped with bacon, crispy onions and more Reese’s cups. In light of the WHO’s recent findings, the idea is to let the diabetes get you before the cancer.

9. On Wednesday, more than 500 people tossed pizza dough simultaneously in Shanghai to break the world record. Although I’m pretty sure two people would have done it.

10. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter is now engaged to his swimsuit model girlfriend Hannah Davis. And, by the way the Worlds Series is going, that might be the only ring a New York baseball player gets this year.

August 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 08/18/2015 by prejectedjokes

1. Former number one overall NBA draft pick, seven-foot tall Greg Oden, has signed a one-year to play for the Jiangsu Dragons in the Chinese Basketball League. In reaction, the Dragons’ arch-rivals, the Shanghai Sharks have signed Mothra.

2. Yesterday, Donald Trump told a boy at the Iowa state fair that he is Batman. Really Donald? Because you’re posture, clothes and overall demeanor scream Penguin.

3. Real Madrid soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo has bought an apartment for $18.5 million in New York City’s Trump Tower. Or, as the paperwork has him listed, Chris Ronaldson.

4. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

5. Northwestern University football players lost a bid to unionize on Monday when the U.S. National Labor Relations Board dismissed their case. The Northwestern football team can now “in court” to the long list of places they have lost.

6. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

7. Actor Emile Hirsch will serve 15 days in jail after he pled guilty on Monday to a misdemeanor assault charge for putting a female movie executive in a headlock at a film festival. The judge was going to sentence Hirsch to a year but then found out it was the executive who green-lit “Pixels.”

8. According to a new survey, McDonald’s is the top choice amongst consumers who crave breakfast at any hour of the day. Because giving up shouldn’t just be confined to the morning hours.

9. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Although, to be fair, they are Eskimo brothers now.

10. New York City students scored slightly higher on math and reading exams this year than previous years. Sounds like some students learned how to write their names.

October 21, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/21/2013 by prejectedjokes

1. A federal marshal was arrested last week at Nashville International Airport after being caught taking multiple upskirt pictures of female passengers boarding a plane. Either that guy’s a creep or he takes his job very, very seriously.

2. On Saturday, the World Health Organization said that two suspected cases of polio have been detected in Syria, the first appearance of the incurable disease there in 14 years. You know you’re country has hit hard times when a polio outbreak doesn’t even crack the top ten list of reasons not to go to that country.

3. Toyota is recalling 870,000 vehicles due to an air conditioner blockage caused by spiders that leads to the airbags needlessly deploying. So good news for those Toyota owners whose cars weren’t recalled, the spiders in your vehicles are harmless, enjoy.

4. Pakistani girls’ education campaigner Malala Yousafzai, who’s found international acclaim since she was shot by Taliban militants last year, met Queen Elizabeth on Friday. This marks the first time the Queen has met with someone who survived being shot and went on to capture the world’s attention since she collaborated with 50 Cent on his last album.

5. Former President Bill Clinton is set to hit the campaign trail for his longtime-friend, Terry McAuliffe, who is running for governor of Virginia. Clinton plans to campaign all of this month or, at least until he finds out that, despite the name, Terry is actually a guy.

6. On Saturday, federal and airport officials said that NBA legend Bill Russell was cited for having a loaded gun in his carry-on luggage at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. But, in Russell’s defense, he was flying to Detroit.

7. On Sunday, the commissioner of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said a tip from a friend of one of the two convicted murderers who were mistakenly released from prison led to their arrests over the weekend. So if they manage to break out again, I think we’ll know where to find them.

8. UK researchers say older women who exercise regularly and don’t smoke may have a substantially lower risk of late-life disability than their less-healthy peers. Proving that we’re not the only country that conducts stupid studies.

9. Pirate attacks off Nigeria’s coast have jumped by a third this year with ships passing through West Africa’s Gulf of Guinea increasingly under threat from gangs wanting to steal cargo. “Well, it’s good to see some pirates are still working in October,” said the city of Pittsburgh.

10. A Shanghai couple is facing charges after allegedly selling three of their newborns to pay for iPhones, computers and high-end shoes. “You can do whatever you want to that couple, but you’re not getting these kids back,” said Angelina Jolie.

11. A Shanghai couple is facing charges after allegedly selling three of their newborns to pay for iPhones, computersand high-end shoes. “What kind of iPhone?” said John Gosselin.

September 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 09/25/2013 by prejectedjokes

1. On Tuesday, twenty-one of Jim Henson’s puppets, including Cookie Monster and Miss Piggy, were donated to the Smithsonian. So if you want to see one of the puppets up close, head over to the museum or just go to any toy store anywhere.

2. Yesterday, the Obama administration defended its effort to regulate the tax reform preparation business for the first time in U.S. history, basing its case largely on a 19th century law dealing with horses lost or killed during the Civil War. “Well, if we’re resurrecting laws from the Civil War era…” said Paula Deen.

3. Wild pigs have descended on a suburban Atlanta neighborhood where they are scaring children, making a general nuisance of themselves and acting as if they own the place. “Told you so,” said the Jews.

4. Yesterday, “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm revealed that he will undergo surgery to remove a polyp from his throat. So I guess that answers the question of who’s dating Catherine Zeta Jones now.

5. Detroit Lions wide receiver Nate Burleson broke his arm in a one-car accident when he tried to protect a pizza that was in his passenger seat. Man, black people give their kids the craziest names.

6. The South China Morning Post reported on Tuesday that Facebook, Twitter and other websites deemed sensitive and blocked by the Chinese government will be accessible in a planned free-trade zone in Shanghai. Although, it’s cheating if the Chinese have the same 140 character per-tweet limit as us.

7. A new study suggests, men’s and women’s drinking habits could provide hints about their risk of being in a violent relationship. But maybe I wouldn’t drink so much if she used her head once-and-a-while.

8. A woman who sent her three-year-old son, named Jihad, to school in a shirt that read “Jihad, Born September 11, I am a bomb” was fined and given a suspended jail sentence by a French court last week. But, in the woman’s defense, if you have a better way to let strangers know she‘s a terrible parent and an all-around awful human being, I’d like to hear it.

9. A new study suggests, people with heart disease who are more upbeat and excited tend to live longer than those who don’t have such a positive outlook. “Well, there are always outliers,” said Dick Cheney.

10. The NBA announced yesterday that it will allow the Miami Heat to wear jerseys during a game bearing their nicknames instead of their last names. LeBron is expected to go with the moniker “King James,” Dwyane Wade will go by “D-Wade” and Shane Battier will use his nickname of “One of the other guys.”

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Monologue jokes, delightful pictures, and funny musings, but more likely just crap

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