August 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former number one overall NBA draft pick, seven-foot tall Greg Oden, has signed a one-year to play for the Jiangsu Dragons in the Chinese Basketball League. In reaction, the Dragons’ arch-rivals, the Shanghai Sharks have signed Mothra.

2. Yesterday, Donald Trump told a boy at the Iowa state fair that he is Batman. Really Donald? Because you’re posture, clothes and overall demeanor scream Penguin.

3. Real Madrid soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo has bought an apartment for $18.5 million in New York City’s Trump Tower. Or, as the paperwork has him listed, Chris Ronaldson.

4. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

5. Northwestern University football players lost a bid to unionize on Monday when the U.S. National Labor Relations Board dismissed their case. The Northwestern football team can now “in court” to the long list of places they have lost.

6. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

7. Actor Emile Hirsch will serve 15 days in jail after he pled guilty on Monday to a misdemeanor assault charge for putting a female movie executive in a headlock at a film festival. The judge was going to sentence Hirsch to a year but then found out it was the executive who green-lit “Pixels.”

8. According to a new survey, McDonald’s is the top choice amongst consumers who crave breakfast at any hour of the day. Because giving up shouldn’t just be confined to the morning hours.

9. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Although, to be fair, they are Eskimo brothers now.

10. New York City students scored slightly higher on math and reading exams this year than previous years. Sounds like some students learned how to write their names.

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