May 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, a professional baseball player in Japan won a year’s worth of beer after launching a homerun that hit a Kirin Beer sign in the stands. With all that free beer, let’s hope he’s not the designated hitter.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump accused Democratic rival Hillary Clinton of being “nasty and mean” to the women who slept with her husband. Which is a completely foreign concept to Trump, being ‘nasty and mean’ to women for any reason other than the fact that they are women.

3. A dating website called Maple Match is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. So I’m just gonna assume it was started by Marla Maples.

4. A dating website is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. So, in the future, many Bernie Sanders supporters may still feel the burn, but this time it’ll be from frostbite.

5. Scientists have invented a product they are calling a ‘second skin’ that can be applied to a person’s body to reduce wrinkles. Which is great news for anyone who owns a pug but really wants a chihuahua.

6. On Wednesday, the Buffalo Bills announced that they will retire the number of Thurman Thomas, the second-best running back in franchise history, who was known for his slashing style of running. The franchise’s leading running back, O.J. Simpson, has not had his number retired because of his slashing style of everything else.

7. Pop star Taylor Swift was honored with the first ever ‘Taylor Swift Award’ on Tuesday at the BMI Pop Awards 2016. “Everybody knows I should have won that award!” said Kanye.

8. The world’s largest Lego store opened in Shanghai on Wednesday. It would have opened early, but they couldn’t find one of those 2-by-4 bricks to finish the building.

9. There is a new dating site called “Awake Dating,” that aims to match up conspiracy theorists. Asking a bunch paranoid wackos to fill out a profile full of personal information and put it on the internet, solid business plan, what could go wrong?

10. A Florida woman was arrested early Wednesday on allegations of stealing a bagel truck in Orlando and leading authorities on a three-county joyride. But, to be fair, it was a Lenders Bagel truck.

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