Tag Archives: State of the Union

February 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, democratic presidential candidate Corey Booker revealed that he has a girlfriend. Which came as a big surprise to everyone including his wife.

2. According to a new study, eye contact is not needed to have a good conversation. “What’s eye contact?” asked Dolly Parton. 

3. A woman in Germany is reportedly in love with an airplane. And, if it’s a Malaysian Airlines airplane, she’s a very lucky woman, because those planes always go down. 

4. Last week, police arrested a man after he pulled his car to the side of the road and started having sex with. Said the man as the cop pulled up in his Dodge Charger police cruiser, “Oh, a threesome!”

5. Delta has introduced a plane that features windows inside its bathrooms. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines bought a new bucket:

6. President Trump was declared “in very good health” by the White House physician on Friday after four hours of examinations. The same can’t be said of the doctor: 

7. President Trump’s inaugural committee said it had received a subpoena on Monday from the Manhattan U.S. Attorney’s Office to determine how it spent the $107 million it raised. Well, Trump’s inauguration featured the band 3 Doors Down, so now they just have to figure out what happened to the remaining $106,999,950?

8. This week Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos published an article on Medium.com claiming that he was blackmailed by the National Enquirer, which he said threatened to publisher semi-nude selfies of him. Word of advice Jeff, if you’re write an article about your junk, maybe don’t publisher in an online magazine entitled “Medium.” Should has pushed for “XXL.” 

9. According to reports, airing a commercial during last week’s Super Bowl cost companies $5.25 million dollars for a 30 second spot. So I can only imagine what that three hour commercial for Ambien cost:

10. Last week a senior White House official said President Trump has been able to maintain his tan complexion despite the winter weather due to “good genes.” That story again, a man who went through four years of college, two years of grad school, multiple thankless jobs, an extensive interview process, countless background checks just to secure a prestigious position in the White House was forced to lie last week to cover up the fact that a 72-year-old man uses bronzer.

11. According to a new study, men who live near heavily used roads have a harder time achieving an erection. And, in an unrelated story, Melania was seen dragging her bed into the middle of 5th Avenue today.

12. President Trump’s State of the Union speech Tuesday night lasted over an hour and twenty minutes. But, as with most things, after just one minute, Melania closed her eyes, went to her happy place, and prayed for it to be over soon.

13. Embattled Virginia Governor Ralph Northam has reportedly told staffers that he is worried about stepping down and being labeled a racist for life. “There’s a label? Then why did I get this tattoo?” asked Jeff Sessions:

14. Woody Allen sued Amazon on Thursday over their decision to abandon a four-picture deal with the director. And, even though Allen was the plaintiff in the case because he sued Amazon, he stood up, out of habit, when the judge said “Will the defendant please rise.”

15. According to Forbes, the New York Knicks are the most valuable NBA franchise at $4 billion. That story again, Forbes has not watched a lot of basketball recently.

16. Last week, Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show to shave his beard. It was the longest segment to feature a beard since that time John Travolta showed up on Ellen’s couch with his wife Kelly Preston.

January 22, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During an interview over the weekend, when President Trump was asked where he gets the energy to fight as hard as he does, the President responded, “Well, I guess I have good genes.” And now for the counter-argument:

2. A man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual-dysfunction medicine. But, on the plus side, now when he walks into walls, it’s not his nose that hits first. 

3. Authorities in China say experiments which led to the birth of the world’s first gene-edited babies broke the country’s laws. That story again, someone in China had a baby girl.

4. The prostitution trial of a self-described “sex coach” who claimed to have insider knowledge of Russia’s election interference ended abruptly on Tuesday after she unexpectedly pleaded guilty. Look, I’m no sex coach, but if she wanted to prevent things from ending abruptly, she should’ve thought about baseball.

5. Scientists have unveiled what they say is an ideal diet, including a doubling of consumption of nuts, fruits, vegetables and legumes, and a halving of meat and sugar intake. Or, as Trump thinks of it, fuck scientists:

6. President Trump proposed an immigration deal on Saturday in a bid to end a 29-day partial government shutdown, but Democrats immediately dismissed it. Trump hasn’t been turned down that quickly since the last time he tried to touch Melania: 

7. When asked to comment on the recent New York Times article that claimed the FBI opened an investigation into whether the President was working on behalf of Russia, President Trump said “I think it’s the most insulting article I’ve ever had written.” He knows there’s an article that accuses him of peeing on a bed of Russian hookers, right? 

8. Last week, tanker hauling 40,000 pounds of liquid chocolate rolled over on the interstate in Arizona, leaving a river of brown liquid all over the road. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” said the guy who cleans up the Chipotle bathroom, reaching for a mop.

9. A photo of an ordinary, brown egg has broken Kylie Jenner’s record for most-liked photo on Instagram. That story again, an Instagram feed filled with pointless pictures and empty messages was beaten by an egg.

10. President Trump said on Monday he never worked for Russia. And, as an American, I can say it is the first time I have ever been jealous of Russia:

11. Tuesday night, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intention to run for president in 2020. A blonde, Democratic, female senator from New York running for president against Donald Trump, what could go wrong?

12. YouTube has banned users from sharing videos of dangerous pranks on its platform because of concerns about challenges that put people’s lives in jeopardy. So, from here on out, it’s two girls, two cups.

13. On Thursday, President Trump denied House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a military plane for a trip to Afghanistan, a tit-for-tat retaliation for Pelosi threatening to postpone Trump’s State of the Union address. Because, as everyone knows, there is no harsher punishment than telling someone they can’t go to Afghanistan.

14. Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer, said on Thursday he paid a firm to manipulate online polling data “at the direction of and for the sole benefit of” Trump. And the results don’t lie:

15. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office issued a statement late on Friday taking issue with a report in Buzzfeed that Michael Cohen said Trump told him to lie to Congress. Mueller is also disputing Buzzfeed’s conclusion that he’s “totally a Miranda.”

16. On Monday, John Travolta and President Trump were nominated for the worst actor Razzie Award for 2018. That story again, a man that everyone knows is bald was nominated for a Razzie and so was John Travolta.

17. It has been reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorney’s has withdrawn from the case. Now comes the hard part, getting Weinstein to accept ‘No’ as an answer.

18. A woman in Florida was arrested after she stole five watches and hid them in her vagina. Which is still only the second worst clock-related item she’s ever put up there:

19. Emin Agalarov, the Russian pop star who initiated the infamous June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, canceled his upcoming US tour after failing to reach a deal with the special counsel. Begging the question, are we sure Justin Bieber doesn’t have important Russian-related information as well?

20. It was announced this week that former White House Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci will be part of the Celebrity Big Brother cast this year. Because if there’s one thing the Mooch is good at, it’s staying in a house for a long period of time.

February 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, President Trump is considering firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. “I don’t like that sound of that,” said Steve Bannon upon hearing Rosenstein’s last name.

2. Connie Sawyer, the oldest working actress in Hollywood, died this week at the age of 105. Ironically, at the time of her death, she was wearing a ‘Times Up’ button.

3. Pop singer Justin Timberlake, speaking Thursday at an NFL news conference to promote his Super Bowl halftime performance, said that his son will never play football. “Welcome to the club” said Tim Tebow’s father.

4. Before the State of the Union Tuesday night, breaking with tradition, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump came into the Capitol Building separately. Although it is a relationship tradition for them to cum separately.

5. According to testimony given before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Russian government-linked trolls created 129 Facebook events between 2015 and 2017. Even worse, 123 of those events were improv shows.

6. An Illinois lawmaker on Thursday proposed a bill that would ban tackle football in youth sports before age 12. I’m pretty sure they already have that ban in Cleveland:

7. Last week, President Trump ‘Liked’ a Wall Street Journal tweet that accused his friend Steve Wynn of sexual assault. But, in Trump’s defense, he only ‘Liked’ the tweet because Twitter doesn’t have a ‘Loved’ button.

8. According to a new study, women with overactive bladders who take medication to address the problem may feel the urge to urinate less often. In response, President Trump has outlawed that drug.

9. Fox has reportedly agreed to pay more than $3 billion to air Thursday night National Football League games on the Fox broadcast network for the next five seasons. It may seem like an odd fit, but Fox does have plenty of experience broadcasting people with obvious brain injuries:

10. While in Davos, President Trump met with the President of Rwanda, just a week after referring to African countries as “shit holes.” Said Trump about the meeting, “I think Ben Carson lost some weight.”

11. In a recent interview, President Trump said he wouldn’t call himself a feminist. So that settles it, there’s not a single person in the world who would call Donald Trump a feminist.

12. A corruption case involving the mayor of Allentown, Pennsylvania appears to hinge on the meaning of the word “meatballs” that appears in multiple emails, which the defense claims is code for payoffs. If that’s the case, Chris Christie better lawyer up.

13. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that sometimes he tweets from bed. After which, since he and Melania have separate bedrooms, Trump is forced to retweet himself.

14. This week, a seven-year-old boy was arrested in Florida for punching his teacher. But, in his defense, in Florida it is legal to punch anyone who tries to teach you something.

15. President Donald Trump on Monday charged the new U.S. health secretary with bringing down drug prices. Specifically, Propecia and Viagra.

16. President Donald Trump’s attorneys are arguing that special counsel Robert Mueller’s team has not met the high threshold they believe is needed to interview a president in person. Ah, yes, a very high threshold indeed:

17. During the State of the Union, President Trump said he will focus on prison reform this upcoming year. “That’s great, I’d like a cell with a view,” said Jared.

18. While trying to touch a note of unity and bipartisanship, during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night President Trump said, “We all share the same home.” “Don’t remind me,” said Melania.

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them:

April 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

2. It is being reported that while flying to Wisconsin yesterday, White House chief of staff Reince Priebus got excited when he spotted his house from the window of Air Force One. Said Trump, “Where’s the rest of it and why isn’t it made out of gold?”

3. Researchers have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. Which means, sometime in the not-too-distant future, semen could cause and cure blindness.

4. According to a new study, people who live near sources of heavy traffic exhaust may be at higher risk for heart disease. That story again, Chris Christie’s heart is screwed:

5. Google says searches for ‘World War 3’ have spiked over the past few weeks. And I have to admit, that’s partially my fault, because I’ve fallen into the habit of typing ‘WW3’ into Google and then hitting refresh over and over again to see if it’s happened yet.

6. Last week an eight-year-old boy in Ohio stole his parents car to take a joyride with his little sister to McDonalds after learning how to drive on YouTube. Once there, he only ordered one drink because he also learned on YouTube how two people can share one cup.

7. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. So he truly is in a better place now.

8. Today, the American Lung Association will issue it’s annual state of the air address, ranking air quality across the country. Which is not to be confused with the annual State of the Hair Address:

9. A new study found that every hour spent running adds an extra seven hours to your life. Of course, if you factor in the hours they waste telling other people about the marathons they ran, it kinda evens out.

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. So this is Barack’s plan, make post-presidency life look so good that Trump doesn’t want to run for reelection.

November 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is asking for the top security clearance for his children. Which seems like a risky move by Trump because it means Eric and Don Jr. will be able to get close enough to hug him.

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. Which means, come every Monday morning, he’ll have to shoo Hillary out from squatting in the Oval Office.

3. It is being reported that doctors are advising reality star Kim Kardashian against having a third baby. Presumably because then we’d only be one horseman shy.

4. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after getting a chopstick stuck in his penis. Said the man, “You’d think my fortune cookie would have said something about this.”
 
5. During a visit to the United Nations on Tuesday, a senior North Korean diplomat said his country does not care who the president of the United States is. And, according to last week’s election results, neither does this country.
 
6. Three Trump Place rental apartment buildings in New York City will be renamed after a group of residents started a petition take the name down. It’s the first time in Donald’s life his last name was legally dropped and he didn’t owe alimony.

7. A 38-year-old man got a tattoo of President-elect Donald Trump on his left calf. Which is pretty smart, because he did it before it became mandatory.

8. Students at the University of Virginia are asking the dean to stop quoting Thomas Jefferson in emails to the student body, despite the fact that he founded the school, because he owned slaves. Not to be outdone, the dean of Trump University also uses quotes from its school’s founder in his emails:email

9. Yesterday, People magazine named Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson as its Sexiest Man Alive. Which means Trump’s deportation list just got one name longer.

10. After her appearance Sunday on ’60 Minutes,’ Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company sent out an ‘Style Alert’ email advertising the $10,800 bracelet she wore on the show. And, in future news, welcome back to the State of the Union:qvc

January 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A German meals-on-wheels charity apologized this week after serving three senior citizens dog food that was incorrectly labeled as venison. But, on the plus-side, Nana’s coat has never looked so shiny.

2. The Oregon farmers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge on January 2nd have asked supporters to send supplies like food and water, but instead have received gag gifts like sex toys, glitter and nail polish. “Oh, those were gag gifts,” said one disappointed farmer.

3. On Wednesday, the New York Times reported that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz failed to disclose a loan from Goldman Sachs for $500,000 that helped finance his successful 2012 U.S. Senate campaign. It’s a bad sign for you’re presidential campaign when you’re hiding financial information and an even worse sign when you’re the bad guy in a story about Goldman Sachs.

4. A new study found that women in the United States are waiting longer than ever to have babies, with the average age for first childbirth rising to a record high of 26.3 years. “Does no one want to be a star?” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

5. A Pennsylvania man who traveled to Arizona to have sex with a horse before being nabbed by undercover police was sentenced on Thursday to 18 months probation. “Only 18-months probation!?! That definitely wasn’t worth it,” said the undercover cop who was the back part of the horse costume.

6. A new, 122-foot dinosaur skeleton to be unveiled on Friday at New York’s American Museum of Natural History is too big to fit in the fossil hall. Said the skeleton, “I bet you say that to all the dinosaur fossils.”

7. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, when referencing Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s ability to be president, Donald Trump said there’s a big question mark on Cruz’s head. Because, apparently Trump doesn’t understand irony or own a mirror.

8. During last night’s Republican presidential debate, John Kasich said he was sure that Democrat Bernie Sanders would not be president. In what has to be the best example ever of the phrase, “It takes one, to know one.”

9. Tuesday night, Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, attended the State of the Union speech in Washington D.C. Said gay couples in Kentucky, “Quick, now’s our chance.”

10. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone and Oscar moving to a recycling bin. Said Oscar, “Elmo gets a brownstone and I get a fucking recycling bin? Yeah, I’m definitely voting for Bernie Sanders.”

11. Walt Disney’s new theme park in Shanghai is slated to open on June 16th. On that day, Chinese kids will start enjoying the theme park as opposed to building it.

12. It was announced this week that Barnum & Bailey will stop using elephants in their shows starting this May. “You know they whip us,” said the lions.

13. The world famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who knows how to get the smell of old people and gonorrhea out of a rug.

14. On Friday, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney voiced his support for current candidate Ted Cruz by tweeting “@tedcruz is a ‘natural born citizen.’” Because no one knows what a natural citizen looks like more than a robot from Utah.

15. Last week, the federal government unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines which recommend that people eat more vegetables, fruits and whole grain. Thus combining two things that Americans love, eating healthy food and reading.

16. Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag featuring shirts and hats covered in pictures of pepperoni pizzas. Although, by the look of most Pizza Hut customers, they can get pepperoni pizza on their shirts all by themselves.

17. A group of Lebanese students have designed a ‘smart suitcase’ that follows its owner. “Yes, but can it throw itself at my assistant?” said Naomi Campbell.

18. On January 1st, Pfizer raised prices for more than 100 of its drugs. “Which ones?” said very nervous, panicky middle-aged men.

19. A judge in Columbus wrote a poem to let a prisoner suing an Ohio penitentiary for “emotional distress” know that his lawsuit was being denied and read it in court. As a result, all those in attendance are now suing the judge for emotional distress.

20. Demand for the first edition of Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” to be printed in Germany since his death have surprised the publisher with orders received for almost four times the print run. Said the publisher, “Oh, this was a terrible idea.”

January 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley told Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump not to take the criticism she offered up in her Republican response to the State of the Union address personally. In response, Trump said, “He would never take attacks from a complete slut personally.”

2. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone. Which means, when Cookie Monster comes to visit, it will be the first time a monster has been in a Brooklyn brownstone since “the Cosby Show” went off the air.

3. Yesterday, nominations for the Razzies, which celebrate the year’s worst movies, were released, with Adam Sandler getting nominated in the worst picture, worst actor, worst on-screen combo and worst screenplay categories. Sandler said he was disappointed because he was really hoping for the lifetime achievement award this year.

4. Former Olympic downhill-skier Picabo Street was charged with assault and domestic violence after allegedly pushing her elderly father down a flight of stairs in December. Even worse, he missed two gates on the way down.

5. On Wednesday, Hue Jackson was hired as the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Presumably because Jackson drew the shortest straw.

6. Republican strategists published a new article for CNN claiming that the candidates having the most fun on the campaign trail tend to fair the best in elections. “Do most fun-sized Milky Ways count?” said Chris Christie.

7. According to a new study from the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same sex partners. “So….?” said CDC scientists to their wives.

8. A U.S. government cyber security official warned that authorities have seen an increase in attacks that penetrate industrial control system networks over the past year. And I would be scared if I had any idea what that meant.

9. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan accused President Obama of setting “verbal traps” for Republicans. Man, I miss the old days when Dick Cheney would just shoot you in the face.

10. Yesterday, NBC announced that the cast of “Friends” would reunite for a primetime special to air later this year. Which is great news for fans of “Friends” and the one fan of “Joey.”

January 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new survey, most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. While the most trusted source for non-current events is still your mom.

2. During Tuesday’s State of the Union, President Obama made history by using the words “transgender,” “lesbian” and “bi-sexual.” “That can’t be true, I’m pretty sure I mentioned lesbians a time or two,” said Bill Clinton.

3. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was criticized on Wednesday by his state’s two largest newspapers over contentious remarks referring to Muslim-controlled “no-go zone” areas in European cities. The most shocking part of that story is that there are two newspapers in Louisiana.

4. The first book published by a longtime Guantanamo Bay inmate that describes torture, humiliation and despair during 13 years in captivity went on sale in the U.S. yesterday. It should be the perfect stopgap for your aunt until the “50 Shades of Grey” movie is released.

5. According to reports, ride-sharing company Uber has privately raised $1.6 billion. They did so by giving four customers a ride while it was raining.

6. Yesterday, Michael Jordan was named Charlotte Business Journal’s Business Person of the Year. This marks the first and probably last time the Journal decided its Business Person of the Year via a slam dunk contest.

7. For the past month, a 17-year-old has been posing as an OBGYN at a Florida hospital. Authorities became suspicious of the teen when he thought a pap smear was the guitarist from the Foo Fighters.

8. Hoping to boost Chicago’s chances as the site for President Obama’s future library, Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Wednesday introduced an ordinance that would allow for the transfer of park land for the site. So the place where homeless people used to pee will become the place where homeless people pee.

9. According to an upcoming New York Times report, the U.S. Justice Department is about to close the investigation into the shooting death of an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson and clear the white police office of any wrongdoing. And, in unrelated news, the New York Times has decided to stop delivery in Missouri for the next couple of days.

10. According to a new study, women with large butts produce more intelligent children. So get ready for MENSA scholar Sir Mix-a-Lot Jr.

January 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Professional golfer Dustin Johnson, who reportedly had been suspended from the PGA Tour for a positive drug test last summer, told Sports Illustrated that he does not have a cocaine problem. Adding, “Have you ever seen how boring golf is? Problem? No, I have a cocaine solution.”

2. According to a new study, people who live near trees are richer, smarter and healthier. So stop telling me to take the Christmas tree to the curb, Shelia.

3. Facebook said on Tuesday that it has taken steps to clamp down on “hoaxes” and fake news stories by allowing users to flag stories as “purposefully fake or deceitful news.” Facebook settled on the wording for the new flag since its first choice of “Fair and Balanced” was already taken.

4. According to a new report, with 1.35 billion users, Facebook would rank as the world’s second-most populous nation if it were a country. And if Facebook was really a nation, it would mean that North Korea would not be the only country in the would with a diminutive dictator hell-bent on world domination.

5. According to a new study of married couples, people are more likely to start working out and lose weight if their domestic partner also makes a healthy change. Which makes me think Mary Pat Christie may have a second, secret family.

6. British newspaper The Sun has ended a 45-year tradition of picturing topless models on page three. And started a new tradition of featuring topless models on the front page.

7. One of the guests at last night’s State of the Union address was an undocumented immigrant. Said the immigrant, “Everyone been’s so nice. For instance, every single Republican has offered me a ride home after the speech.”

8. Comedy Central announced yesterday that it will roast Justin Bieber on March 7th. But don’t get too excited, that just means they’re gonna tell some jokes about him.

9. Officials in Ohio are considering putting birth control in bird feed to cut down the pigeon population. “That’s not a bad idea,” said the people who live next-door to the “19 Kids and Counting” family.

10. On Tuesday, the Russian Anti-Doping Agency banned five Olympic walk champions for doping. So I guess it is possible for that “sport” to get even less exciting.