January 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Professional golfer Dustin Johnson, who reportedly had been suspended from the PGA Tour for a positive drug test last summer, told Sports Illustrated that he does not have a cocaine problem. Adding, “Have you ever seen how boring golf is? Problem? No, I have a cocaine solution.”

2. According to a new study, people who live near trees are richer, smarter and healthier. So stop telling me to take the Christmas tree to the curb, Shelia.

3. Facebook said on Tuesday that it has taken steps to clamp down on “hoaxes” and fake news stories by allowing users to flag stories as “purposefully fake or deceitful news.” Facebook settled on the wording for the new flag since its first choice of “Fair and Balanced” was already taken.

4. According to a new report, with 1.35 billion users, Facebook would rank as the world’s second-most populous nation if it were a country. And if Facebook was really a nation, it would mean that North Korea would not be the only country in the would with a diminutive dictator hell-bent on world domination.

5. According to a new study of married couples, people are more likely to start working out and lose weight if their domestic partner also makes a healthy change. Which makes me think Mary Pat Christie may have a second, secret family.

6. British newspaper The Sun has ended a 45-year tradition of picturing topless models on page three. And started a new tradition of featuring topless models on the front page.

7. One of the guests at last night’s State of the Union address was an undocumented immigrant. Said the immigrant, “Everyone been’s so nice. For instance, every single Republican has offered me a ride home after the speech.”

8. Comedy Central announced yesterday that it will roast Justin Bieber on March 7th. But don’t get too excited, that just means they’re gonna tell some jokes about him.

9. Officials in Ohio are considering putting birth control in bird feed to cut down the pigeon population. “That’s not a bad idea,” said the people who live next-door to the “19 Kids and Counting” family.

10. On Tuesday, the Russian Anti-Doping Agency banned five Olympic walk champions for doping. So I guess it is possible for that “sport” to get even less exciting.

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