April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

November 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is asking for the top security clearance for his children. Which seems like a risky move by Trump because it means Eric and Don Jr. will be able to get close enough to hug him.

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. Which means, come every Monday morning, he’ll have to shoo Hillary out from squatting in the Oval Office.

3. It is being reported that doctors are advising reality star Kim Kardashian against having a third baby. Presumably because then we’d only be one horseman shy.

4. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after getting a chopstick stuck in his penis. Said the man, “You’d think my fortune cookie would have said something about this.”
 
5. During a visit to the United Nations on Tuesday, a senior North Korean diplomat said his country does not care who the president of the United States is. And, according to last week’s election results, neither does this country.
 
6. Three Trump Place rental apartment buildings in New York City will be renamed after a group of residents started a petition take the name down. It’s the first time in Donald’s life his last name was legally dropped and he didn’t owe alimony.

7. A 38-year-old man got a tattoo of President-elect Donald Trump on his left calf. Which is pretty smart, because he did it before it became mandatory.

8. Students at the University of Virginia are asking the dean to stop quoting Thomas Jefferson in emails to the student body, despite the fact that he founded the school, because he owned slaves. Not to be outdone, the dean of Trump University also uses quotes from its school’s founder in his emails:email

9. Yesterday, People magazine named Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson as its Sexiest Man Alive. Which means Trump’s deportation list just got one name longer.

10. After her appearance Sunday on ’60 Minutes,’ Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company sent out an ‘Style Alert’ email advertising the $10,800 bracelet she wore on the show. And, in future news, welcome back to the State of the Union:qvc

November 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Disgraced former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle was sentenced to 15 years in federal prison Thursday after pleading guilty to charges of child pornography. Fogle said it was the first time he wasn’t excited to get something that was 15 years.

2. In a new interview, actress Jennifer Lawrence said she “got really, really drunk” before filming a sex scene with Chris Pratt for an upcoming film entitled “Passengers.” “I knew she was drunk during our scene, but not that drunk,” said her “Passengers” co-star Woody Allen.

3. Former New York Yankee Derek Jeter sued luxury underwear company RevolutionWear to defend himself against allegations he cost the company $26 million by failing to promote its brand. While former Yankee teammate Alex Rodriguez is also being sued by the same underwear company, claiming that A-Rod cost them $26 million because he promoted the brand.

4. The last two of six N.C. Wyeth paintings stolen from a Maine collector in 2013 have been recovered by agents from the FBI. Turns out the paintings weren’t stolen, but they left Maine on their own accord out of boredom.

5. Frank Sullivan, the co-writer of 1980s hit “Eye of the Tiger” has filed a federal lawsuit against Republican Mike Huckabee for playing the song at a rally for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis when she was released from jail. Sullivan is suing because he thinks the Baja Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out” would have much more appropriate for the situation.

6. On Tuesday night, singer Adele performed a free concert at Radio City Music Hall. There hasn’t been an entire theater full of that many crying people since the last screening of ‘Pixels.’

7. A customer sued the operator of a McDonald’s restaurant in New York on Wednesday after diners were exposed to food and drinks prepared by a worker with hepatitis A. So, contrary to popular belief, some McDonalds workers do get A’s.

8. On Wednesday, British American Tobacco said it plans to test a hybrid product that combines tobacco and e-cigarette technology next week in a European market. It’s a great way to remind former-smokers who have made the switch to the e-cigs what they’re missing.

9. On Tuesday, retired professional soccer player David Beckham was named “People” magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Because Beckham really is sexy in any medium where you can’t hear him talk.

10. Florida police arrested a woman in a storage room facility after she assaulted her husband during an argument over which sexual position is the best. I don’t know what position they ultimately settled upon, but I’m fairly confident that if you’re having sex in a storage facility, no one comes out on top.

11. Radio Shack announced that they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday of next week. They’re not doing it on purpose, but because they’re operating off of an electronic calendar they bought at a Radio Shack.

12. In a recent interview, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn said she does not regret anything about her relationship with golfer and former-boyfriend Tiger Woods. Said Woods, “I wish I could return the compliment, but I don’t remember which one she was.”

13. According to a new study, patients prefer to receive their medical test results via a password-protected website. Although they did not like that the password was “YoureScrewed.”

14. A 25-year-old man who applied for a job at a Michigan sheriff’s department was arrested after a background check revealed he was wanted in Kentucky on sexual assault charges. But, since the charges were brought by his sister, he still qualifies to be a sheriff in the Kentucky.

November 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. So, he’s cured?

2. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. But, in his defense, you’d flip-out if you saw Chris Brown staring back at you when you looked in a car window, too.

3. Gillette announced Thursday that it would auction off two hair balls, formerly the beards of World Series MVP David Ortiz and Red Sox teammate Shane Victorino. Gillette says they are the perfect gift for the Yankee fan who wants to put that personal touch on his voodoo dolls.

4. A new study suggests, being in good physical shape may help preserve people’s thinking and memory skills. So great news America, we’re no longer fat and stupid, now we’re just fat and forgetful.

5. A poll released on Thursday showed an overwhelming majority of Floridians would support legalizing marijuana for medical purposes in the Sunshine State. Although it is a little suspicious that everyone who took the poll winked and used air-quotes when they said “medical purpose.”

6. A broken heart and a graffiti-covered car door will be the first two pieces from street artist Banksy’s New York series to go up for public sale next month. So if you’re in the market for a graffiti-covered car door, why?

7. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s conservation foundation has awarded a $3 million grant to the World Wildlife Foundation to help Nepal increase its tiger population. $3 million? That’s a lot of tiger lube.

8. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he “is happy with the man he is becoming.” I don’t know about man? Chaz Bono is a more convincing man.

9. This week, People Magazine named singer Adam Levine as the “Sexiest Man Alive.” So I guess it’s safe to assume the editors at People watch “the Voice” on mute.

10. George P. Bush, son of Jeb Bush and nephew of former President George W. Bush, has filed the necessary paperwork to run for state office in Texas. Begging the question, how uncreative is this family when it comes to naming kids. I don’t know, fuck it, name him George again.

11. A Massachusetts high school football team canceled the rest of its season after someone scrawled a racial epithet on the home of one of its players. Said one Jacksonville Jaguars fan, “That’s all it takes for a team to stop playing? Do you know where I can get a can of spray paint? And, follow-up question, do you know where any Jaguar players live?”

12. According to new research, cigarette smokers over 65 years old who quit may be able to reduce their risk of dying from heart-related problems to levels of those who never smoked. So, if you’re under 65, keep smoking, I guess.

Monologue Jokes – June 27, 2013

1. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Or, as they will now be known, marriages.

2. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Now that everyone can get married, looks like you’re gonna need to come up with a new excuse as to why you’re waiting to marry your long-time girlfriend, straight guys.

3. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Great news, now change your profile pic, I’m sick of that red equals sign.

4. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. My condolences to all the straight couples who are having weddings this year, you’re joyous celebration is going to look terrible by comparison.

5. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. “I always cry at weddings,” said every conservative from now on.

6. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Make sure to reserve a venue for your gay wedding early, I hear the Westboro Baptist Church calendar really fills up fast.

7. Yesterday, the New England Patriots released tight-end Aaron Hernandez only hours after he was arrested and charged with first degree murder. Proving that it you want to commit murder and continue playing football in the NFL you better be playing linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens.

8. In his written dissent to the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn DOMA, Justice Antonin Scalia openly disapproved of gay sex. Which is confusing, because if you don’t approve of gay sex that’s even more reason to support gay marriage.

9. Yesterday morning, Paula Deen said she’s only used the N-word once. So, if anyone’s keeping track, Deen has problems with the N-word and the word “once.”

10. After two years as a runner-up, on Wednesday, Oprah Winfrey was named the most powerful celebrity by Forbes magazine. Although I find it more than a little bit of a coincidence that Steve Forbes was just named Sexiest Man Alive by O magazine.

11. On Wednesday, golfer Tiger Woods did not express confidence about being 100 percent for next month’s British Open, but said his injured elbow would be “good enough.” Adding, “There’s no way I’m gonna miss the bangers and mash, plus I like the food over there, too.”