January 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. While the most trusted source for non-current events is still your mom.

2. During Tuesday’s State of the Union, President Obama made history by using the words “transgender,” “lesbian” and “bi-sexual.” “That can’t be true, I’m pretty sure I mentioned lesbians a time or two,” said Bill Clinton.

3. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was criticized on Wednesday by his state’s two largest newspapers over contentious remarks referring to Muslim-controlled “no-go zone” areas in European cities. The most shocking part of that story is that there are two newspapers in Louisiana.

4. The first book published by a longtime Guantanamo Bay inmate that describes torture, humiliation and despair during 13 years in captivity went on sale in the U.S. yesterday. It should be the perfect stopgap for your aunt until the “50 Shades of Grey” movie is released.

5. According to reports, ride-sharing company Uber has privately raised $1.6 billion. They did so by giving four customers a ride while it was raining.

6. Yesterday, Michael Jordan was named Charlotte Business Journal’s Business Person of the Year. This marks the first and probably last time the Journal decided its Business Person of the Year via a slam dunk contest.

7. For the past month, a 17-year-old has been posing as an OBGYN at a Florida hospital. Authorities became suspicious of the teen when he thought a pap smear was the guitarist from the Foo Fighters.

8. Hoping to boost Chicago’s chances as the site for President Obama’s future library, Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Wednesday introduced an ordinance that would allow for the transfer of park land for the site. So the place where homeless people used to pee will become the place where homeless people pee.

9. According to an upcoming New York Times report, the U.S. Justice Department is about to close the investigation into the shooting death of an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson and clear the white police office of any wrongdoing. And, in unrelated news, the New York Times has decided to stop delivery in Missouri for the next couple of days.

10. According to a new study, women with large butts produce more intelligent children. So get ready for MENSA scholar Sir Mix-a-Lot Jr.

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