April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

January 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. According to sources, President-elect Donald Trump is still using his personal cell phone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. Especially if they are calling collect from Russia.

3. The National Football League’s Oakland Raiders filed paperwork with the league on Thursday to move to Las Vegas. Which is weird, because you don’t usually move to Las Vegas so much as just end up there.

4. According to a new survey, 32% of all U.S. adults watch pirated content. The number is much lower of course if Johnny Depp is in it:
depp

5. A man in Virginia is giving his wife one of his kidneys on their 20th wedding anniversary. Said his wife, “Maybe just flowers next year.”

6. Restaurant chain Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning an IPO. And, if you want in, you should jump on the initial public offering, because if I know anything about Chuck E. Cheese it’s that no one goes back for seconds.

7. This week actress Betty White’s turned 95. She celebrated with a quiet night at home with her three best friends:
golden-girls

8. According to a new study, fussy babies may cry less after receiving acupuncture. Because it only takes three days of nonstop crying before sticking a baby with a bunch of needles sounds like a good idea.

9. A retrospective titled “Puppy Bowl: Where Are They Now?” airs tonight on Animal Planet. Unfortunately the most common answers were “a farm upstate” and “in a vietnamese guy’s belly.”

10. California is facing a large deficit for 2017 after miscalculating the costs of its state run healthcare program by over $1.9 billon last year. Said the state’s main accountant, “Oh … carry the one.”

11. On Wednesday, authorities say a Florida woman claimed dogs could fly before tossing a small dog off a 30-foot tall bridge. And, I for one, blame “Airbud”:
airbud

12. A betting website is giving 4-to-1 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached within six months of his presidency. Begging the question does starting a nuclear war that brings on the complete destruction of mankind count as “being impeached”?

13. On Monday, Jim Fouts, the mayor of Warren, Michigan said a newly released tape supposedly of him making racist and sexist comments is fake. Adding, “And, if it’s not fake, Billy Bush goaded me into saying those things.”

14. According to “The New York Times,” Russian President Vladimir Putin instructed his defense minister that if he wanted to understand America he should watch “House of Cards.” Although, after Trump’s election, maybe they should check out “The Dukes of Hazard,” too.

15. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. But, just to make sure, she also has a headache tonight.

16. On Monday, Nike presented President Obama with his own personalized Air Jordan sneakers. “That’s news to me,” said Donald Trump learning at that very moment that President Obama and Michael Jordan were two different people.

17. A new study determined that employers should let workers take breaks to masturbate because it relieves tension and make employees happier. Well all employees except for the janitor.

18. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said if it were possible she would want the late Audrey Hepburn to play her in a movie. And I’m confident if cancer hadn’t killed Hepburn, that probably would have done it.
 
19. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline Donald Trump’s inauguration. Because, apparently, the ‘Again’ in ‘Make American Great Again,’ was 1998.

20. Stores are pulling jars of Nutella from their shelves after a report was published linking the chocolate spread to cancer. You can read more about it in this month’s medical journal of “Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.”

November 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A mall Santa in Florida was fired after telling a 10-year-old girl that Hillary Clinton was “on the naughty list.” “That’s incorrect on so many levels,” said Bill.

2. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Sunday that he looks forward to welcoming President-elect Donald Trump to Canada. Said Trudeau, “After November 8th, I’ve gotten very used to welcoming Americans to Canada.”

3. Last week, Miss Piggy saved 90-year-old Tony Bennett from falling off a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. So it’s gonna be really hard to tell when he finally goes senile: “A talking pig saved my life!” “Sure it did, grandpa, sure it did.”

4. President-elect Donald Trump has offered the post of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development to former presidential candidate Ben Carson. Well, you had a 50/50 chance, Omarosa.

5. A Florida woman was arrested for calling 911 nine times in one hour to complain about President-elect Donald Trump. So, heads up Hillary supporters, the cut-off is eight.

6. During a ceremony at the White House on Wednesday, where he handed out several Presidential Medals of Freedom, President Obama took time to roast recipient Michael Jordan. Which, according to history, means that in four years Jordan will be president.

7. Prostitutes in the U.K. have created a website to rate customers. The website is called Luber.

8. On Friday, Donald Trump’s transition team said the President-elect has recently spoken with the leaders of Greece, Hungary, Panama, Slovenia and Sweden. Although, to be fair, Trump’s calls to Hungary, Slovenia and Sweden were just attempts to find his next wife.

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet is on track to be the least experience in modern history. Which is crazy, because he hasn’t even given Omarosa and Chachi positions yet.

10. After Mike Pence was booed by a crowd-full of people while attending a performance of “Hamilton” in New York, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted his admonishment saying “the theater must be a safe place.” He’s right, last night I went to Phantom of the Opera and a chandelier fell on the audience. Check your permits Phantom. Not safe. Sad.

July 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A prominent Republican strategist recently told website Politico that he “would rather attend the public hanging of a good friend” than go to this week’s Republican National Convention. Said Trump, “If you’re friend is a Muslim, a Mexican or a woman it doesn’t have to be two separate events.”

2. During Sunday night’s Kids Choice Sports Awards, Kobe Bryant was given the Legend prize and then immediately covered in gold slime. And, as everyone knows, there are only two ways to be covered in golden slime, win the Legend prize or bring Donald Trump to climax.

3. The United States Anti-Doping Agency has informed MMA fighter Brock Lesnar of a potential anti-doping violation stemming from a failed drug test. And I’m not saying he’s guilty, but the guy who broke the news to Lesnar was found torn in half.

4. On Saturday, golf analyst David Feherty walked around the third round of the British Open in Scotland wearing a kilt. And, to make matters worse, Tiger Woods kept hitting on him.

5. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, on the plus side, now they can brag to all their friends that their grandson owns his own house.

6. In a wedding in Pennsylvania over the weekend, the bride’s 75-year-old grandmother and the groom’s 74-year-old grandmother served as co-flower girls. “Those bitches,” said the bride’s four-year-old niece.

7. On Friday, University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh revealed that NBA hall-of-famer Michael Jordan will serve as the Wolverines’ honorary captain for this season’s opener. Said the 18-year-olds on the team, “You mean that guy from the crying meme also plays basketball?”

8. On Saturday, while announcing his running mate, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “Indiana Governor Mike Pence was my first choice.” And I’m not sure how much I believe him because he also said the same thing about Melania.

9. During an interview that aired on Sunday’s “60 Minutes,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.” Proving that sometimes I don’t even need to write a fucking punchline.

10. The initial Trump/Pence logo unveiled on Friday was officially dropped after one long day of ridicule. Wow, that was fast, it took Jeb months of ridicule before he dropped out.

August 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former Subway pitchman Jared Fogel pled guilty to charges of child pornography and sex with minors which carries a jail sentence of five to twelve years. Said Fogel, “I’ll take a five and a twelve year-old.”

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he is open to using military drone strikes on American soil. Begging the question, does anyone want to win this nomination.

3. A system that uses a wireless brain scanner that reads a movie-goer’s brainwave data has been developed which allows the user to influence what happens on the screen. For instance, everyone who utilized the technology while watching “Pixels” used their brains to turn the movie off.

4. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the lair of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. Well, at least you know the walls are thick and the neighbors keep to themselves.

5. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the liar of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. It’s a three bedroom, two bath with a very unfinished basement.

6. This week, Donald Trump said it would be extremely easy to round up all the undocumented immigrants in the country. I didn’t hear the rest of the interview, but I’m sure whatever followed was crazy racist.

7. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” “I still got dibs on the Tin Man, right?” said Romney.

8. On Monday, a former senior advisor to President Obama suggested that Hillary Clinton is like Scottie Pippen to President Obama’s Michael Jordan. Although a better comparison would have been Bill Clinton to literally any basketball player ever.

9. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Which can only mean one thing, Zimmerman is running for the Republican presidential nomination.

10. Fans of the panda Bao Bao at the National Zoo are wary of her possible pregnancy because she has faked pregnancy five times before. Said Bao Bao, “What can I say, I like to sit down on the subway.”

January 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. While the most trusted source for non-current events is still your mom.

2. During Tuesday’s State of the Union, President Obama made history by using the words “transgender,” “lesbian” and “bi-sexual.” “That can’t be true, I’m pretty sure I mentioned lesbians a time or two,” said Bill Clinton.

3. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was criticized on Wednesday by his state’s two largest newspapers over contentious remarks referring to Muslim-controlled “no-go zone” areas in European cities. The most shocking part of that story is that there are two newspapers in Louisiana.

4. The first book published by a longtime Guantanamo Bay inmate that describes torture, humiliation and despair during 13 years in captivity went on sale in the U.S. yesterday. It should be the perfect stopgap for your aunt until the “50 Shades of Grey” movie is released.

5. According to reports, ride-sharing company Uber has privately raised $1.6 billion. They did so by giving four customers a ride while it was raining.

6. Yesterday, Michael Jordan was named Charlotte Business Journal’s Business Person of the Year. This marks the first and probably last time the Journal decided its Business Person of the Year via a slam dunk contest.

7. For the past month, a 17-year-old has been posing as an OBGYN at a Florida hospital. Authorities became suspicious of the teen when he thought a pap smear was the guitarist from the Foo Fighters.

8. Hoping to boost Chicago’s chances as the site for President Obama’s future library, Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Wednesday introduced an ordinance that would allow for the transfer of park land for the site. So the place where homeless people used to pee will become the place where homeless people pee.

9. According to an upcoming New York Times report, the U.S. Justice Department is about to close the investigation into the shooting death of an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson and clear the white police office of any wrongdoing. And, in unrelated news, the New York Times has decided to stop delivery in Missouri for the next couple of days.

10. According to a new study, women with large butts produce more intelligent children. So get ready for MENSA scholar Sir Mix-a-Lot Jr.

December 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, last week Pope Francis reportedly told a little boy who was grieving over the death of his dog, not to worry because pets too can go to heaven. So congratulations, you’re halfway there, gay dogs.

2. Last night, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant passed Michael Jordan to become third on the NBA’s list of all-time leading scorers. It marked the first time Kobe passed anything.

3. On Saturday night, Oregon’s Marcus Mariota won the 78th annual Heisman Trophy award. Congratulations Marcus, that’s something they can never take away from you, unless you murder your wife and her lover in a mansion in Brentwood.

4. Two of the three inmates who escaped from an Alabama jail over the weekend are now back in custody, but the third, a murder suspect, remains on the lam. Officials do not have high hopes of capturing the third escapee as an alleged murderer will blend in quite nicely with the general population of Alabama.

5. On Sunday in London, Miss South Africa Relene Strauss was crowned Miss World over runner-ups Miss Hungary Edina Kuksar and Elizabeth Safrit from the United States. Although there was an awkward moment when they announced Miss Hungary as the first runner-up and the representatives from all the African countries stepped forward.

6. On Sunday, BC Partners Ltd bought pet supply retailer PetSmart for $8.7 billion. To prevent any unauthorized future spin-offs, BC Partners immediately got PetSmart neutered.

7. Several proposed new gun laws await the new, Republican-dominated Texas legislature when it opens next month, including one to allow open carrying of handguns in public and another providing a sales tax holiday for firearm purchases. Said Texans, “Next month? But I want to be irresponsible with my gun now!”

8. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

9. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. “Brings back fond memories of my wedding day,” said Matthew Broderick.

December 2, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russian President Vladimir Putin urged the organizers of the 2014 Winter Olympics on Thursday to work through Russia’s long annual New Year holiday to ensure Sochi is ready on time for the Games. Although, it seems very cold-hearted to ask people not to celebrate the fact that they survived another year in Russia. 

2. China’s campaign against online rumors, which critics say is crushing free speech, has been highly successful in “cleaning” the internet, a top official of the country’s internet regulator said last week. China is a bunch of pussies. I guess it’s not that successful considering I had no trouble putting that on the internet. 

3. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry will travel to Jerusalem and Ramallah this week to discuss Israeli-Palestinian peace. I give them two days before they start begging for the other type of drone. 

4. Last week, the band Barenaked Ladies announced they had cancelled their plans to play a show at SeaWorld due to allegations of animal abuse at the park. So, apparently beggars can be choosers. 

5. On Saturday, the Auburn Tigers topped the undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide and put an end to Alabama’s quest towards a third national championship in a row. After the game, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said, “We had a deal, devil. WE HAD A DEAL!!!”

6. On Friday, it was reported that President Obama and First Lady Michelle will allow their daughter Sasha to pick where the family will live after the President’s second term ends in 2017. So get ready for some new neighbors, Bieber. 

7. “Us Weekly” reported that retired basketball star Michael Jordan is going to be a father again, this time with his new wife Yvette Prieto. Four children by two different women, I guess you can take the player out of the NBA, but no the NBA out of the player.

8. Elwood, the chihuahua whose unusual appearance won him the 2007 title of World’s Ugliest Dog, died unexpectedly at the age of 8 on Saturday. Said Elwood’s owner, “He’s grossing out people in heaven now.”

9. A German policeman has been arrested after the chopped-up body of a man he met on a cannibalism fetish website was found buried in his garden. Proving the fact that everyone hates leftovers. 

10. On Sunday, the Buffalo Bills made their annual trip to Toronto, losing 34-31 in front of a sold-out crowd which included the city’s crack-smoking mayor, Rob Ford. Ford said he always looks forward to the Bills visit because it means, at least for a day, he’s not the biggest disappointment in Toronto.

Monologue Jokes – March 19, 2013

1. On Monday, the FBI said it now knows who stole $500 million worth of art from a Boston Museum in 1990. But the FBI refused to reveal the suspects’ names, said they could not press charges because the statute of limitations had run out, and none of the artwork has been recovered. So, congratulations FBI?

2. The History Channel’s miniseries “the Bible” recently caused a stir with the appearance of the character Satan, who many said, bore a resemblance to President Obama. When reached for comment, former Vice President Dick Chaney said, “Bullshit, I look nothing like Obama.”

3. Yesterday former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out in support of gay marriage. While former President Bill Clinton’s opinion on lesbians has remained unchanged for years.

4. Yesterday former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out in support of gay marriage. Perfect timing Hillary now that you are no longer part of President Obama’s cabinet or have any real political power.

5. Yesterday, FOX announced it will air a documentary entitled “RIHANNA 777” in May that will follow the singer while on tour and include behind-the-scenes footage, presumably with boyfriend singer Chris Brown. In order to get viewers into the right mindset for the documentary, FOX will air a marathon of “Cops” beforehand.

6. Today, Vatican City saw the official installation of Pope Francis as the 266th Pope. Considering the Pope is 76-years-old, I’d make sure he wasn’t installed that tight.

7. A new North Korean propaganda video shows images of what appears to be an imagined attack on U.S. government buildings in Washington D.C. But since North Korea’s technological capabilities aren’t top notch, the video is just different scenes from the movie “Independence Day” spliced together with Kim Jong Un’s face superimposed over Will Smith’s.

8. Lindsay Lohan showed up an hour late for court yesterday and as she entered the courthouse someone threw a handful of glitter at her. But joke’s on that guy, Lohan was already covered in stripper glitter from the night before.

9. Yesterday golfer Tiger Woods and downhill skier Lindsey Vonn officially announced their relationship on Facebook. Proving that Facebook is the best way to tell a handful of strippers that you’re off the market.

10. Yesterday golfer Tiger Woods and downhill skier Lindsey Vonn officially announced their relationship on Facebook. A golfer and a skier? I know Tiger’s black, but their kids are going to the be the whitest kids ever.

11. An Atlanta woman who says basketball legend Michael Jordan is the father of the 16-year-old son has dropped her paternity suit against him. Great news Michael, one down, three-hundred and thirty-two more to go.

Monologue Jokes – March 11, 2013

1. The North Korean army has declared invalid the armistice agreement that ended its 1953 war with South Korea. So thanks for nothing Korean War veterans.

2. The North Korean army has declared invalid the armistice agreement that ended the Korean War in 1953. But, on the plus-side, we got to hear them try to pronounce the word “invalid.”

3. Legendary basketball player Michael Jordan appears set to marry girlfriend Yvette Prieto after it has been reported that the two applied for a marriage license last week. Word of advice Michael, don’t give Rodman a plus-one.

4. In an attempt to reinvent the image of the pay phone, New York City has been soliciting designs for a new phone booth and is now set to hold a public vote on the remaining six finalists. The deciding factor will be which design will look the best while a homeless guy pees on it.

5. According to a report from the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention, small water frogs sold as pets have been linked to an outbreak of salmonella infections from 2008 to 2011. Can you imagine what kind of gross stuff Ms. Piggy must have?

6. The new minister of tourism in one of Mexico’s biggest states was shot and killed on Saturday afternoon in an upscale neighborhood of Guadalajara, the country’s second most populous city. So good luck explaining why people should come and visit, next minister of tourism.

7. “Severe pain” from kidney stones forced Motley Crue singer Vince Neil to cut short a show in Sydney and check into a hospital. When reached for comment, God said, “Get the message Vince.”

8. “Severe pain” from kidney stones forced Motley Crue singer Vince Neil to cut short a show in Sydney and check into a hospital. That Bieber is such a trendsetter,

9. Playboy has launched a Hebrew version of its magazine in Israel. Or, as Palestinians are referring to it, the last straw.

10. Batman’s mask was donated to the Smithsonian museum on Friday. The mask was donated by noted philanthropist and billionaire Bruce Wayne. No word on how he came into possession of the item and no one thought to ask. Unfortunately Batman was unable to attend.