December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Stevie Wonder told thousands of fans watching him perform in London on Saturday night he is due to have a kidney transplant in September. Even more disconcerting, he’s doing the surgery himself.

2. A couple from New York is suing a fertility clinic after a woman gave birth to other couples’ babies because of an IVF mixup. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said President Trump:

3. This week, Oklahoma teens scavenging for frogs made a grisly discovery: a human leg with the shoe still attached. “Has anyone called ‘dibs’ on that shoe?” asked Heather Mills.

4. The House of Representatives voted on Tuesday to condemn President Trump for “racist comments” against four minority Democratic congresswomen. So problem solved. 

5. According to a new study, pear-shaped women are healthier than apple shaped women. But still both are still much healthier than the husbands who classified their wives as either apple or pear-shaped:

6. According to a new study, women who are more likely to develop heart disease when they carry excess fat around their midsection than when they store more fat in their hips and thighs. Which is why I now refer to him as Dr. Sir Mix-a-Lot.

7. The Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park is on track for a record number of eruptions this year. Geologists plan to slow down the eruptions by using coolant, adding salt, and getting the geyser to think about baseball.

8. Last week, Ford announced will sell a version of its Ford GT supercar for $1.2 million, but it won’t be legal to drive them on public roads.  And, in related news, the Ford Fiestas remains street-legal, although you probably shouldn’t drive them on the roads because people may see you.

9. President Donald Trump warned Iran on Wednesday against making threats that can “come back to bite you like nobody has been bitten before.” “Nobody? Really?” said the ghost of Seigfred.’’

10. According to a new study, men who eat at least two servings a week of yogurt may be lowering their risk for colorectal cancer. Begging the question, how exactly are they eating that yogurt?

11. According to a new study, during their first year of college, men gain twice as much weight as women. Which explains all of Chris Christie’s diplomas: 

12. Spanish scientists have found that frozen sperm samples are still viable after exposure to simulated space flight. Those proving there is literally no place women are safe.

13. During his Fourth of July speech, President Trump declared that the U.S. Army took over the airports during the Revolutionary War. Which I guess explains why there we no flights on July 4th. 1776.

14. A life-size rough wooden sculpture of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled near her hometown of Sevnica in southeastern Slovenia last week. I don’t have a joke for this, I just really want you to see this masterpiece:

15. President Trump said Sunday he wants members of the press to “go in and see” migrant detention centers. That story again, Trump is asking reporters to go to detention centers, or, as it’s more commonly known, a trap.

16. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday he saw no chance of the U.S. defaulting on debt payments. Begging the question, at what point do we stop underestimating President Trump?:

17. Upon noticing a a fly while giving a speech in the White House on Thursday, President Trump said “How did a fly get into the White House?” “Right back at you,” said the fly.

July 1, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the United States has already had a gay president. “I knew it!” said Dolly Madison.

2. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the united States has already had a gay president. Which explains the first draft of the Declaration of Independence which read, “All men are created equal, except for Chad, holy shit, God went above and beyond with him!”

3. A Texas school district has fired a teacher after she allegedly made pornographic films in classrooms outside of school hours. That story again, Trevor the class hamster has seen some shit:

4. President Trump held a rally in Orlando last week to officially launch his re-election campaign. So finally something has the potentially to replace the Challenger as the least successful Orlando launch. 

5. Iranian lawmakers chanted “Death to America” during a parliament session on Sunday after a speaker accused the United States of being the “real world terrorist.” And I think I speak for all Americans when I say, “How did you get your Congress to agree on something?” 

6. According to a new study, young men with a fast-food heavy diet have a lower sperm count than their healthier-eating counterparts. “Still more proof that that’s not my kid,” said Ronald McDonald:

7. This week, Cuba opened its first ever sex shop. Which explains the new rafts Cuban refugees have been using: 

8. Federal authorities seized over 16 tons of cocaine Tuesday from a large ship in Philadelphia. To give you a better sense of how much that it, this is what 16 tons of cocaine looks like:

9. Senator Amy Klobuchar unveiled on Tuesday a 137-point list of priorities she would address in her first 100 days in office if elected president. Number one on that list, opening an investigation into how Amy Klobuchar got elected president.

10. Authorities in the Dominican Republic say David Ortiz was not the intended target of the murder-for-hire plot that ended with the former Red Sox star being shot. In fact, the assassin had such bad aim he’s now pitching for the Mets.

11. President Trump said on Sunday that if he could have one “do-over,” it would be Jeff Sessions. And no one was more surprised by that answer than Eric Trump.

12. Sunday night, over the span of thirty-six minutes, two of the Flying Wallendas crossed Times Square by walking on a high wire 25-stories high. They would have made the crossing quicker, but they got stuck behind a family of four from Topeka, Kansas taking in the sights:

13. Bill Cosby filed an appeal of his sexual assault conviction, arguing that it was flawed because the testimony of five accusers was “strikingly dissimilar” to that of Andrea Constand. So, let me get this right, Bill Cosby’s defense is “that’s not how I do my rapes”?

14. According to a new United Nations report, India is set to overtake China as the world’s most populous country in less than a decade. “We’ll see,” said Pakistan.

15. This week, NBC ordered a new “Law and Order” spin-off entitled “Law and Order: Hate Crimes.” They went with that name because there was already a TV show called “The West Wing.”

16. The second debate among Democrats running for  president attracted 18.1 million television viewers across three networks. Which is just slightly more than the number of people on stage.

17. Last week, O.J. Simpson took to Twitter to deny allegations that Khloe Kardashian is the result of a love affair he had with Kris Kardashian. And the evidence is on his side, Khloe looks nothing like OJ and Kris is still alive. 

18. Britain’s Glastonbury Music Festival announced that only sandwiches in 100 percent compostable packaging will be sold at the five-day event. “Big deal, talk to us when you’re making the sandwiches out of that stuff,” said Arby’s. 

19. On Tuesday, breakdancing moved one step closer to being included in the 2024 Olympic Games. One very annoying, robotic step closer.

20. Eric Trump said Tuesday he was spit on by a female employee at a Chicago restaurant. “I’ll have what she’s having,” said everyone else in that restaurant.

June 3rd, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study has found that excessive consumption of sugary drinks can lead to an increased risk of heart disease. Said one concerned consumer, “Oh No!”:

2. After 1,095 days and more than 75,000 miles on the road, Mikah Meyer fulfilled his dream of visiting all 419 US national parks in a single journey. Now comes the hard part, finding something even more boring to accomplish.

3. Canadian lawmakers fumed on Tuesday when Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg snubbed an invitation to to testify on privacy in Ottawa. Forcing the Congress to take the most aggressive possible under the Canadian constitution, politely asking him to attend again.

4. MTV is flipping the script on dating, broadcasting what it says is the first reality dating competition show in which all the contestants identify as sexually fluid. Not to be confused with “The Jersey Shore,” which featured a lot of sexual fluids.

5. When asked if he is concerned about his legacy, President Trump’s Attorney General William Barr said, “Everyone dies.” Which, coincidentally is also this administration’s environmental policy.

6. Women’s fashion retailer Dress Barn announced this week that they are going out of business. Hard to believe that a business model based solely on comparing their clientele to farm animals didn’t work.

7. Middle schoolers in Ohio allegedly feed semen-filled crepes to their teachers. “Eww, yuck, crepes,” said Paris Hilton.

8. Middle schoolers in Ohio allegedly feed semen-filled crepes to their teachers. “I’ve never tasted anything like this before,” said the schools female gym teacher.

9. According to “The New York Post,” former baseball star Alex Rodriguez has hired a team of lawyers to prevent the spread of a photo taken of his Manhattan apartment building that shows him sitting on the toilet. Seeing Rodriguez pooping in a toilet around Spring-time would be very jarring for most, as they are most used to seeing him shit the bed in October.

10. Disney’s live-action “Aladdin” topped this weekend’s box-office with an estimated $105 million in the US. Trailing right behind Aladdin were three ICE agents.

11. New Hampshire abolished the death penalty on Thursday, becoming the 21st U.S. state to do so. That story again, nobody tell OJ where New Hampshire is.

12. According to a new study, attention-deficit disorder may be more common in elite athletes. That story again, the entirety of the New York Jets football team have very long attention spans.

13. Malaysia will return 450 tonnes of plastic waste to the countries that shipped it, because they refuse to become a dumping ground for the world’s trash. “Look who comes crawling back,” said New Jersey.

April 15, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The first ever picture of a black hole was taken this week. And, purely out of reflex, Republicans tried to take away its voting rights.

2. According to a new study, 1 in 13 boys in the U.S. have sex before they reach their teenage years. Which is weird, because I thought way more boys were Catholic. 

3. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. “Who are these men that are reluctant to masturbate in certain places?” said everyone who has every ridden the A-train.

4. A Chinese company has developed an automatic sperm extractor they say can be used in clinics to collect semen from donors who are reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting. That story again, Lindsay Lohan is finally getting some work.

5. In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphins’ vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. The study revealed a lot about the anatomy of dolphins and even more about the anatomy of those scientists’ wives.

6. After facing additional charges stemming from her role in the recent college-admissions cheating scandal, actress Lori Loughlin has reportedly reached out to Lindsay Lohan’s former crisis manager for help. Said the crisis manager, “Hello, cocaine here.” 

7. On Thursday, Michael Avenatti, was indicted and charged with 36 counts of fraud, perjury, failure to pay taxes, embezzlement and other financial crimes. Which all begs the question, how was he not Trump’s lawyer?

8. According to reports, President Trump recently told his aides that White House adviser Stephen Miller is in charge of all immigration and border issues. The way immigration will now work is you’ll be able to come into the country if you can answer all three of Miller’s riddles:

9. This week, Congressman and MIT graduate Thomas Massie attempted to discredit former Secretary of State John Kerry by getting him to admit that his bachelor’s degree in political science from Yale was not really a science degree. Begging the question, can MIT rescind a degree?

10. Xander Schauffele, who was alone atop the leaderboard for a brief moment during the  final round  of the Masters on Sunday, said falling short to Tiger Woods in a major tournament was like a dream. And I don’t know what makes me sadder for Schauffele, his heart-breaking loss or his shitty dreams.

11. Trump advisor Stephen Miller wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in what he referred to as “tent cities.” Not to be confused with fort cities, which is what Eric turned the White House situation room into:

12. According to ‘Politico,’ while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon, President Trump couldn’t understand why George Washington didn’t name the compound after himself, saying, “If he was smart, he would have put his name on it.” Which is crazy, because of all people, you’d think Trump would have learned the downside of naming things after yourself:

 13. On Tuesday, Magic Johnson announced that he is stepping down as president of basketball operations of the Los Angeles Lakers, saying “I want to go back to having fun.” Which is ironic, because having too much fun was what led to his 1991 announcement.

January 22, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview over the weekend, when President Trump was asked where he gets the energy to fight as hard as he does, the President responded, “Well, I guess I have good genes.” And now for the counter-argument:

2. A man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual-dysfunction medicine. But, on the plus side, now when he walks into walls, it’s not his nose that hits first. 

3. Authorities in China say experiments which led to the birth of the world’s first gene-edited babies broke the country’s laws. That story again, someone in China had a baby girl.

4. The prostitution trial of a self-described “sex coach” who claimed to have insider knowledge of Russia’s election interference ended abruptly on Tuesday after she unexpectedly pleaded guilty. Look, I’m no sex coach, but if she wanted to prevent things from ending abruptly, she should’ve thought about baseball.

5. Scientists have unveiled what they say is an ideal diet, including a doubling of consumption of nuts, fruits, vegetables and legumes, and a halving of meat and sugar intake. Or, as Trump thinks of it, fuck scientists:

6. President Trump proposed an immigration deal on Saturday in a bid to end a 29-day partial government shutdown, but Democrats immediately dismissed it. Trump hasn’t been turned down that quickly since the last time he tried to touch Melania: 

7. When asked to comment on the recent New York Times article that claimed the FBI opened an investigation into whether the President was working on behalf of Russia, President Trump said “I think it’s the most insulting article I’ve ever had written.” He knows there’s an article that accuses him of peeing on a bed of Russian hookers, right? 

8. Last week, tanker hauling 40,000 pounds of liquid chocolate rolled over on the interstate in Arizona, leaving a river of brown liquid all over the road. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” said the guy who cleans up the Chipotle bathroom, reaching for a mop.

9. A photo of an ordinary, brown egg has broken Kylie Jenner’s record for most-liked photo on Instagram. That story again, an Instagram feed filled with pointless pictures and empty messages was beaten by an egg.

10. President Trump said on Monday he never worked for Russia. And, as an American, I can say it is the first time I have ever been jealous of Russia:

11. Tuesday night, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intention to run for president in 2020. A blonde, Democratic, female senator from New York running for president against Donald Trump, what could go wrong?

12. YouTube has banned users from sharing videos of dangerous pranks on its platform because of concerns about challenges that put people’s lives in jeopardy. So, from here on out, it’s two girls, two cups.

13. On Thursday, President Trump denied House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a military plane for a trip to Afghanistan, a tit-for-tat retaliation for Pelosi threatening to postpone Trump’s State of the Union address. Because, as everyone knows, there is no harsher punishment than telling someone they can’t go to Afghanistan.

14. Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer, said on Thursday he paid a firm to manipulate online polling data “at the direction of and for the sole benefit of” Trump. And the results don’t lie:

15. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office issued a statement late on Friday taking issue with a report in Buzzfeed that Michael Cohen said Trump told him to lie to Congress. Mueller is also disputing Buzzfeed’s conclusion that he’s “totally a Miranda.”

16. On Monday, John Travolta and President Trump were nominated for the worst actor Razzie Award for 2018. That story again, a man that everyone knows is bald was nominated for a Razzie and so was John Travolta.

17. It has been reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorney’s has withdrawn from the case. Now comes the hard part, getting Weinstein to accept ‘No’ as an answer.

18. A woman in Florida was arrested after she stole five watches and hid them in her vagina. Which is still only the second worst clock-related item she’s ever put up there:

19. Emin Agalarov, the Russian pop star who initiated the infamous June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, canceled his upcoming US tour after failing to reach a deal with the special counsel. Begging the question, are we sure Justin Bieber doesn’t have important Russian-related information as well?

20. It was announced this week that former White House Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci will be part of the Celebrity Big Brother cast this year. Because if there’s one thing the Mooch is good at, it’s staying in a house for a long period of time.

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them: