October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

June 8, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, ‘Cosmo’ published a story entitled “My husband loves leaving fruit in my vagina all day so he can eat it later.” Even worse, his favorite fruit is watermelon.

2. The original map of the Hundred Acre Woods from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction. Or, as it will be known after EPA chief Scott Pruitt gets his hands on the map, the Two Acre Woods.

3. The original map of the Hundred Acre Wood from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction, with an estimate price tag of up to $200,000. “I really could have used that map before I got very lost,” said Chris Christie:

4. First Lady Melania Trump does not plan to attend the June 12 summit in Singapore with North Korea. Said Melania, “I don’t want to be in a room with a megalomaniac world leader, with a bad haircut that I don’t sleep with. Also, I’m not that fond of Kim Jong Un either.”

5. Democrats are worried that a CNN report on Monday that they are seeking subpoena records showing that EPA director Scott Pruitt used his staff to run personal errands, including trying to buy a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel, will hinder their investigation. Although that seems unlikely, I doubt Pruitt reads the news, if he did, he probably would have looked elsewhere for a used mattress.

6. First Lady Melania Trump, who has not been seen publicly for the past 24 days, attended an official White House event with President Donald Trump Monday afternoon. Or, as it’s more commonly known, proof of life.

7. A White House contractor wanted by police on an attempted first-degree murder charge was arrested as he came into work on Tuesday. The most shocking part of that story is that he was only a contractor and a not a full-time employee of the Trump White House.

8. A single parking space sold for $760,000 in Hong Kong this week. “No need,” said Billy Joel:

9. Wednesday was the 74-year anniversary of D-Day. Of course, if your friends with Anthony Weiner online, every day is D-Day:

10. According to a new government report, internet use by Americans increased in 2017, fueled by a rise among people with lower incomes. Well, party’s over, guess we gotta stop talking shit about poor people on here.

11. Scientists seeking new ways to fight drug-resistant superbugs have mapped the genomes of more than 3,000 bacteria, including samples of a bug taken from Alexander Fleming’s nose and a dysentery-causing strain from a World War One soldier. “I never thought I’d be so jealous of a guy who pulled a bug out of another guy’s nose,” said the scientist who had to study dysentery.

12. On Wednesday, President Trump took to Twitter to deny rumors that his wife Melania had a facelift. In fact, Melania is so against facelifts of any kind that she doesn’t even smile:

13. A new study found that transplanting bacteria from the feces of healthy people into a person’s intestines is just as effective as many antibiotic treatments. But, the pills are much harder to swallow.

14. On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump probably has the power to pardon himself. “Well, he has ample practice taking care of his own needs,” said Melania.

15. During an interview with CNN this week, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to President Trump as “the commander in cheese.” But in Conway’s defense, Trump and American cheese have a lot in common, they are both orange, completely artificial, and will never get inside of Melania.

May 11, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This year, a 132-pound ovarian tumor was removed from a 38-year-old Connecticut woman. Not to be outdone, this woman got rid of a 230-pound tumor this year:

2. Film producer Harvey Weinstein is fighting back against insurer Chubb, saying they must pay for his legal defense against 11 lawsuits that accuse him of sexually harassment. But much like every robe Weinstein has ever owned, Chubb said there’s no way they can possibly cover it all.

3. After President Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal this week, the Supreme Leader of Iran said, Trump, “will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.” “Man, that’s a pretty harsh sentence,” said snakes and ants.

4. According to a new study, Hispanic drivers are at twice the risk of falling asleep at the wheel compared to white drivers. Begging the question, is the ‘J’ in Billy Joel silent?

5. Over the weekend, the original manuscript for Alcoholics Anonymous was sold to an NFL team owner for $2.4 million. That’s not surprising, you’d have to be pretty drunk to buy the Cleveland Browns.

6. A Colorado woman has been charged with destruction of property after she allegedly blew up microwave in a 7/11 store while trying to heat up a container of urine before a drug test. Said the store owner, “If you like warm piss, we have some unrefrigerated Mountain Dew in the back.”

7. In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard fund the skeleton of a 16,000 year old horse. And I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the long-dead horse or the guy forced garden with his wife.

8. The governing body of world athletics has suspended five Russian race walkers from competition for training with a banned coach. So I stand corrected, being a competitive race walker is apparently not rock bottom.

9. Last week, during a tense NHL playoff hockey game, a Boston Bruin attempted to lick one of his opponents. “I’m okay with it, as along as those two aren’t married,” said DJ Khalid.

10. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he feels pretty good about his recent media appearances because “everyone is reacting to us now.” “Agreed,” said a guy who pulled out his dick in a Starbucks.

11. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. But added, “If it’s not sunny out, I’ll settle for a lukewarm dog”:

12. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. He also said he enjoys “partaking in American style foot ball and creamed ice.”

13. According to reports, people close to Senator John McCain have told the White House that he does not want President Trump to attend to his funeral. And, to rub it in even more, McCain wants his funeral to take place on the back nine of the Trump International Golf Course.

14. Last weekend, a Chipotle threw a burrito-themed baby shower for a couple who given birth to their child in the restaurant’s parking lot. “If they start celebrating every time someone ‘gives birth’ to a six-pound, seven ounce bundle, they’ll never get anything done around here,” said everyone waiting line to use the bathroom.

15. On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother, Greg Pence, won the Republican nomination for his congressional bid in Indiana. Two Pences on the prowl D.C., you know what that means, hide your ladies, no seriously they don’t like being around women.

16. According to a new poll, less than one in three Americans agrees with President Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the Iran nuclear deal. While the other third, just heard ‘Trump’ and ‘pull out’ and immediately said yes:

17. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un related three imprisoned American citizens into the custody of America. Adding, “Now Mr. Trump, you release your hostage”:

18. According to reports, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President following the 2016 election to potential clients. “How much would fifteen minutes and a hug cost?” said Don Jr.

19. President Trump’s new attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told CNN on Thursday that Trump “wasn’t aware” his longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President to potential clients following the 2016 election. Added Giuliani, “But if you give me $15,000, you can ask Trump that question yourself.”

20. According to a new study, fathers who exercise may have smarter babies. “That’s impressive, but according to my study, the cow goes ruff,” said Don Jr.

21. On Monday, billionaire investor Warren Buffett compared bitcoin to rat poison. “That’s ridiculous, I can’t feed bitcoin to my daughter,” said Casey Anthony.

22. Comedian Ken Jeong, who is a trained physician, stopped in the middle of a performance and attended to a fan in the crowd who was having a seizure. Said Carrot Top, “I cannot even imagine that, what’s it like to have a fan?”

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

July 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a spokesman, President Trump was “not aware of” a 2016 meeting between his son, Donald Trump Jr., and a Kremlin-connected lawyer who claimed to have damaging information on Hillary Clinton. And, I hate to admit it, but President Trump having limited interactions with his own son does sound credible.

2. Actress and writer Lena Dunham has returned her pet dog Lamby to the shelter she adopted her from four years ago. “She was just too yappy and needy,” said Lamby.

3. A groom was arrested in New York after setting off fireworks at the conclusion of his backyard wedding. That story again, a man was given a life sentence and then the police showed up.

4. Television networks are intentionally misspelling the names of their news shows to artificially boost their ratings. To hear more about this story tune into to tonight’s ‘Big Bang Theory with Lester Holt.’

5. According to reports, during their first face-to-face meeting President Trump pressed President Vladimir Putin about Russian interference in the 2016 election. Which really shouldn’t be that surprising since I can’t remember the last time Trump had a conversation where he didn’t bring up his election victory.

6. Amazon has designed an underwater warehouse to store goods which are summoned to the surface by playing sounds. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Ariel:

7. President Trump’s first meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit, was scheduled for thirty minutes, but lasted over two hours. Which either means the piss tape is longer than a half-hour, or they watched it more than once.

8. Ivanka Trump, President Donald Trump’s daughter, briefly took her father’s seat at a meeting with other world leaders at the G20 summit on Saturday. Afterwards, President Trump said he regretted the move, not because Ivanka sat in his seat, but that he wasn’t in his chair when she did it:

9. Last week, more Americans tuned in to watch re-runs of “Yogi Bear,” “Full House,” and “Friends” on Nick At Nite than to watch Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon’s shows on CNN. Which means most Americans get their news about the Russians from Bullwinkle:

10. President Trump said on Twitter on Sunday that, while at the G20 Summit, he discussed forming a joint cyber security unit to guard against election hacking with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Putin, “Alright, am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton?”

July 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, Americans spend four years of their lives daydreaming and escaping reality. Specifically, the next four years:

2. According to NBC News, President Trump has no agenda for his upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “We’re just gonna have a few glasses of wine and see where the night takes us.”

3. Mel Gibson will play Mark Wahlberg’s gruff and disappointed father in the upcoming film ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’ Gibson was able to stay in character and act disappointed by reminding himself that his son’s name ended in ‘berg.’

4. Tuesday, a mall in Oklahoma was flooded with a mysterious brown liquid, the cause of which remains unknown. “Now, let’s not rush to judgment here,” said the manager of the food court Chipotle.

5. Scientists say that sex robots will become extremely common in about a decade. “Sooner!” yelled Melania.

6. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking recently said that he fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. And, now, for Trump’s response:

7. A restaurant has opened up in a treehouse in Alabama that sells nothing but hot dogs. That story again, the fanciest restaurant in Alabama has opened.

8. Actress Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter this week begging people to stop bullying President Trump and, instead, support him. Which means Newt Gingrich now has some competition for the title of Trump supporter with the biggest tits.

9. President Trump’s tweet of a doctored video showing him slamming a man whose face is obscured by a CNN logo has become Twitter’s most shared post ever. While Twitter’s least shared post ever remains:

10. A set of used golf clubs once owned by President Trump will be auctioned off online. An American History book owned by Trump is also up for sale, but that one’s not used.

June 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, women have more sex on vacation. Although, it’s not a hard-and-fast rule:

2. White House sources say President Trump will pull the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Not surprising that a real estate developer is in favor of creating more waterfront properties.

3. According to reports, President Trump is giving his personal cell phone number to world leaders. Ivanka, too:

4. Thieves in Washington used a blowtorch to steal from an ATM, but, in doing so, accidentally set the cash in the machine on fire. People said they haven’t seen someone light that much money on fire, that quickly, since Paramount greenlit the ‘Baywatch’ movie.

5. On Wednesday, NASA announced its first mission to fly directly into the sun’s atmosphere. Here’s a look at the press release:

6. Florists worldwide say sales of pampas grass have plummeted after rumors surfaced that people display the exotic plant in their windows to signal that swingers live in that house. Of course, if you see pampas grass and poison ivy, it means “Not now, Hillary’s home.”

7. On Tuesday, a carriage horse broke free from its restraints and went on a mad dash through rush hour traffic in New York City. Or, more likely, Sarah Jessica Parker when for a midday jog.

8. Whlie speaking at an event in Australia this week, Senator John McCain pleaded with the country to be patient with the U.S. while the new Trump administration “finds it feet.” Which could take a while because I don’t think Trump’s been able to see his feet in years:

9. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce. Fualaau’s mother called her son, “An immature kid,” while French President Emamnuel Macron called him “a trailblazer.”

10. According to CNN, President Trump is stressed out, gaining weight and realizing the job isn’t a good fit for him. Well, I’ll say this, he’s never been more relatable.

April 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, inspectors noted over a dozen health code violations in the kitchen at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. So, it turns out it may not have been the view that was making patrons so queasy:

2. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” As in, Trump’s hopes for healthcare reform are also just a dream.

3. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” And, in Lord’s defense, people have been marching in the streets because of him:

4. According to a new study, the average unmarried American spent $1,596 on their dating life in 2016. While some married Americans spent double that:

5. Scientists have created a device that can pull drinking water from the air using only the power of sunlight. “Alright, now you’re just being dicks about it,” said the residents of Flint.

6. While speaking at a town hall in Oklahoma on Tuesday, Congressman Markwayne Mullin said the notion that his constituents pay his salary is “bullcrap.” And, come mid-term elections, he’ll be right.

7. Shigeo Tokuda, the world’s oldest porn star at the age of 82, credits his incredible sex drive to eating eggs every day. “So, I guess we’re getting rid of eggs,” said the guy in charge of the cafeteria at Fox News.

8. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. And also the good of mankind.

9. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. Although, if he wanted solitude he could just go to any movie theater showing a Shia LaBeouf film.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate remark about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s remark is “not without some merit.” These idiots know they can just say “no comment” right?

11. On Wednesday, the city of St. Louis sued the NFL claiming the league violated its relocation guidelines when it allowed the Rams to move to Los Angeles. If successful, the city could force the NFL to move the Rams back to St. Louis, which seems like more of a punishment.

12. A coalition of nonprofit groups on Monday sued the Trump Administration to obtain the White House visitor logs. Although, they’re gonna be really disappointed if this a scheme to get a copy of Melania’s signature.

13. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. So, if you’ve ever wondered what a day in the life of Kylie Jenner looks like, fuck you.

14. A British DJ has been sentenced to a year in jail by Tunisian authorities for remixing a Muslim call to prayer into a club song. And say what you will, but I can get behind any country that’s intent on locking up DJs.

15. A high schooler in California turned up to his junior prom this weekend with Kylie Jenner as his date. Although, to be fair, she also went with the rest of the football team as well.

February 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1.Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and U.S. President Donald Trump are set to meet today in Washington. And, when they stand next to each other for the requisite photo-op, it will look like a before-and-after ad for either the best or worst product in the world.

2. CNN anchor Chris Cuomo said last week, using the term ‘fake news’ towards journalist is equivalent to saying racial slurs like the n-word. Said President Trump, “Well, I’m running out of things to call Don Lemon.”

3. After the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the temporary retraining order against Donald Trump’s recent immigration ban, the president tweeted, “SEE YOU IN COURT.” Which, coincidentally, were also his wedding vows with Ivana, Marla and Melania.

4. A man in Plymouth, Massachusetts, angry at the town’s decision to build a statue of a Shakespeare character, announced plans to build a rival statue across the street of an erect penis. Although, according to the man’s wife, it would be more apt to call it memorial.

5. NBC News is reporting that Russia is considering turning former-NSA employee Edward Snowden over to the U.S. as ‘a gift’ to President Trump. Which is weird, because I was under the impression Russia already gave Trump a pretty big gift:
trump-election

6. The owner of a trendy Washington-area gym lashed out at Ivanka Trump over Facebook after finding out the president’s eldest daughter used an alias to took her exercise class. Ivanka wanted to be anonymous so she used the name ‘Tiffany Trump.’

7. Actor Richard Gere said on Friday that President Trump has managed to merge the meaning of the words “refugee” and “terrorist” in the minds of many Americans. Trump is also credited with merging the words “daughter” and “wife”:
trump-ivanka

8. Austrian authorities are investigating reports of a man appearing in public in Adolf Hitler’s birthplace as the Nazi dictator’s double, including the distinctive mustache, haircut and clothing. “So I didn’t just dream that!” said Steve Bannon.

9. Researchers in Austria say dogs can mirror the personality of their owners. And I believe it: weiner

10. A newspaper in the Dominican Republic is apologizing after publishing a photo of the Alec Baldwin alongside a caption identifying him as, “Donald Trump, president of the USA.” The newspaper is also apologizing for mistakenly referring to this picture of an angry thumb as “Press Secretary Sean Spicer”:
thumb

February 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A financial analyst told CNBC Wednesday that Donald Trump runs the U.S. like a family business. Begging the question, can an entire family be Fredo?

2. Yesterday, while speaking about the legal challenges to his immigration ban, President Trump said that even a “bad high school student” would rule in his favor. And now, thanks to Betsy DeVos, that’s the only kid of high school student we’ll have.

3. The recently released memoirs of Judy Garland’s ex-husband, Sid Luft, claim the child star was groped by Munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. It’s beginning to sound like it’s a tiny hands thing:
trump-tiny-hands

4. The popular app Pokemon GO announced that they will be holding a Valentine’s Day in-game event. Said the app’s creators, “We’re fairly certain that our users won’t have plans that night.”

5. Funeral directors in Quebec are trying to curtail people from taking corpse selfies at funerals and posting them on social media. That story again, if you see Larry King, just ask for his autograph.

6. Nineteen rabbis were arrested Monday night outside a Trump hotel in New York City while protesting the President’s immigration ban. Chuck Schumer called the arrests “a disgrace” while Steve Bannon called them “a good start.”

7. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. Because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun politely asking the bad guy with a gun where exactly he is in the room.

8. Dozens of topless women demonstrated in Buenos Aires on Tuesday to demand the right to sunbathe semi-nude. Begging the question, did George Soros pay those protestors in ones?

9. A family in Bangladesh has been arrested after using a fake penis to trick villagers into believing a genie had performed a sex change on their teenage daughter. Although, if I were the police I would have waited a day or two before making that arrest just to see what the next step in that plan was.

10. During CNN’s Town Hall Tuesday night, Ted Cruz awkwardly congratulated a woman with multiple sclerosis multiple times. But, in Cruz’s defense, he was congratulating her on not having whatever disease that makes Cruz act and look like that.