November 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Grocery chain Trader Joe’s is recalling several prepackaged salads after a supplier said they may contain shards of glass. “It’s tearing up my insides!” said Chris Christie eating a regular salad.

2. This week, a piece of cake from Donald Trump and Melania’s 2005 wedding sold at auction for $2,240. That unbelievable story again, there was cake left over:

3. The wife of Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore said on Friday her husband would not end his campaign in the wake of sexual misconduct allegations with teenage girls. Then Mrs. Moore excused herself because she was late for trig class.

4. Last week, a Navy pilot was reprimanded after using his fighter jet to draw a giant image of a penis in the sky over a Washington town. That story again, Louis C.K. has learned to fly.

5. New York City subway conductors have been instructed to stop addressing passengers as “ladies and gentleman” in favor of more gender-neutral terms. Instead, they will go with the more inclusive, “Hey assholes.”

6. More than a dozen women have accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault spanning more than thirty years. That troubling story again, we’ve allowed Jeremy Piven to have a thirty year acting career.

7. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has banned his people from participating in “any gathering related to drinking, singing and other entertainment.” Luckily, since they only banned entertainment, the premiere of “Justice League” was allowed to go on as planned.

8. An Alabama inmate with a “ride or die” tattoo escaped custody for the second time in less than a month this week when he took off on an electric dirt bike. Police are looking for a white male, with a “ride or die” tattoo on a dirt bike and have narrowed their search down to every guy in Alabama.

9. According to a new study, male high school athletes have higher rates of wrist injuries. Also having higher rates of wrist injuries, all guys in high school.

10. On Wednesday, the Trump Soho Hotel in New York City announced that it will drop the ‘Trump’ name. “Wait, you can just drop the Trump name?” asked Melania.

11. This week, singer Jordan Fisher won the 25th season of “Dancing with the Stars.” You might know Fisher from the previous sentence.

12. According to report, golfer Tiger Woods is waking up without pain for the first time in three years. Begging the question, what kind of parents name their daughter “Without Pain.”

November 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, President Trump said, despite what is widely reported, he doesn’t watch much TV because he’s too busy “reading documents.” And, to Trump’s credit, he’s almost found Waldo:

2. Last week, O.J. Simpson was thrown out of a hotel bar in Las Vegas for being too drunk and throwing a pair of glasses. “Ah, fuck,” said the waiter picked to return O.J.’s glasses to him.

3. According to reports, Mike Pence has formed a Vice President’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, who Pence routinely calls for advice. The first rule of Vice President’s club, don’t tell Al Gore about Vice President’s club.

4. On Wednesday, while speaking about embattled Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused of pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, Ivanka Trump said, “There’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” Yeah, that place is called Alabama.

5. According to a new study, sex rarely causes heart attacks. But, it can cause PTSD:

6. On Monday, Amazon announced a ‘Lord of the Rings’ TV show. Which producers promise will address the problems diehard fans had with the movies, specifically, the Eye of Sauron will remain a metaohor, Fatty Bolger will play a bigger role and they won’t have to leave their parent’s basement to see it.

7. On Monday, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said he “does not follow” President Trump’s tweets. Hey, John, none of us can follow Trump’s tweets:

8. Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees can change how they communicated based on what their audience knows. Said one exhausted chimp, “Okay, let’s start over again. There are three branches in the federal government”:

9. Paralympic athlete and U.S. military veteran Rob Jones, who lost both his legs while serving in Afghanistan, is running 31 marathons in 31 days. Meanwhile, I stood up from my sofa too fast and got winded.

10. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Tuesday he “has no reason to doubt” the five women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Which can only mean one thing, none of those five women are black.

11. The Republican National Committee is withdrawing support for Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore after allegations surfaced that he had sexual contact with teenage girls decades ago. Said the RNC, “Hey, we were as surprised as you were to find out that we have standards.”

12. Sprint announced this week that they will offer their unlimited data plan customers free subscriptions to the streaming service Hulu. Not to be outdone, Blackberry will offer their customers their cousin Bill’s roommate’s Netflix password.

13. While in town to play the Knicks, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were seen taking the New York City subway. That story again, the Cavs were subjected to the absolute worst experience that New York City has to offer, and then they took the subway.

14. This week, a dangerous psychiatric patient, who was accused of murder, escaped from a Hawaii hospital, cleared airport security and flew all the way to California before being caught. No word on whether he felt the urge to murder his fellow man before or after taking a six hour Southwest flight.

15. The Alabama Republican Party said on Thursday it supported embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore despite allegations of sexual misconduct. Their exact words were, “He’s still a white man, right?”

16. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been informed by other NFL owners via letter that he is engaging in “conduct detrimental to the league’s best interests.” A letter that they have also sent every week for the past nine years to the owner of the Browns.

17. According to reports, President Trump told a group of Democratic senators Tuesday that he’d be a “big loser” if the Republican tex bill was signed into law. And, also, if it wasn’t.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

November 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 16% of Americans believe that Bigfoot is real. “I’ve seen it,” said the woman who waxes the Kardashians.

2. Due to thawing relations between the Cuba and the U.S., Cubans were able to watch the World Series twenty-four hours after the live event. That story again, residents of Cuba now have Time Warner cable.

3. NBC News and MSNBC joined Showtime, Penguin Press and HBO in severing ties with political journalist Mark Halperin, who is accused of sexually harassing several female colleagues. But, on the plus-side, he’s now over-qualified to run Fox News.

4. Paul Manafort, the indicted former campaign manager for President Donald Trump, spent almost $1 million on eight rugs in two years. But, in his defense, he was in charge of the Trump campaign and, at a certain point, dry cleaning doesn’t work anymore:

5. The White House released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President Pence on Tuesday. Begging the question, how can you tell the difference between Mike Pence and a portrait of Mike Pence?

6. Ford has built a robotic butt that tests the durability of the seats it puts in its vehicles. Those who have seen it said it resembles a Kardashian, except for the fact that the robotic butt has a job.

7. After Hillary Clinton joked this week that she was considering dressing up as president for Halloween, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted “That’s cute. She can borrow my Donald Trump mask.” But if he loans out his mask, what will his wife wear during sex so he can achieve orgasm?

8. On Wednesday, the CIA released Osama bin Laden’s personal diary. Turns out bin Laden believed in two things, that Allah is great and that Becky is a complete bitch.

9. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday lawmakers and the Trump administration were “on a path” toward reaching a deal on a bill that would keep the government funded beyond December 8th. They’re gonna sell steaks!:

10. According to sources, President Trump has made it clear to the State Department that he wants to accelerate the release of any remaining Hillary Clinton emails. Of course, the best way to secure the fastest release of emails from Hillary is to mark them ‘Confidential.’

11. According to a new report, modernizing and maintaining the U.S. nuclear arsenal over the next 30 years will cost more than $1.2 trillion. Said President Trump, “I plan on keeping costs down by getting ride of a few”:

12. This week the CEO of Papa John’s said the NFL protests are hurting their sales. Or maybe, just maybe, the public isn’t buying your pizza because they’ve tasted it.

13. A defector from North Korea told U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday that disseminating information in the reclusive country would be more effective than the billions of dollars being spent to address the military threat.”Disseminating information in a foreign country you say,” said President Trump, “luckily I know a guy who has a lot of experience”:

14. On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that no one in the Trump administration supports slavery. Which is a pretty callous way to tell Jeff Sessions he’s been fired.

15. President Trump reportedly wants to name the Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut” bill. Which I assume will be spelt with K’s and shortened to be more accurate to this administration.

16. The Senate heard testimony this week from President Trump’s pick to be the new head of NASA, Jim Bridenstine, who does not have a background in science. But, in Trump’s defense, Bridenstine wasn’t his first pick, but he had settle after he was informed that Buzz Lightyear isn’t a real person.

17. This week, during a Halloween party event at the White House, First Lady Melania Trump met a little girl dressed up as her. So that makes it two weeks in a row now for Melania:

18. According to a new study, only 4.8% of television writers are black. “We didn’t even know that was allowed,” said the writers for ‘Frasier.’

19. Saudi Arabia will for the first time allow women to attend sporting events. They’re even allowing them to paint their faces to show support for their team, here are a couple of sports fanatics now:

20. The Justice Department has gathered enough evidence to charge six members of the Russian government in the hacking of Democratic National Committee computers before the 2016 presidential election. Good lord, haven’t enough members of the Trump administration been charged this week?