April 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, in response to racist remarks made by Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, the NBA suspended him from the league for life. Tough blow for Sterling, now we wait and see how this lifetime ban will affect Sterling’s Hall of Fame chances.

2. Yesterday, in response to racist remarks made by Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, the NBA suspended him from the league for life. Hopefully they won’t have to enforce that “lifetime” ban for too long, if you catch my drift. (If you don’t, I hope he dies soon)

3. Every undergraduate student at MIT next fall will be offered $100 in bitcoins in an experiment that will turn the university into one of the first places in the world with widespread access to digital currency. So now MIT students’ money, just like their girlfriends, only exist online.

4. A new study says the amount of violence U.S. children are exposed to fell considerably during the past decade. But, in fairness, Joe Jackson was bound to slow down in his old-age.

5. According to an anonymous source, billionaire media executive David Geffen is interested in buying the Los Angeles Clippers basketball team. And, great news, his mistress doesn’t even have an Instagram account.

6. A Washington man was arrested for drinking a glass of his own urine at a restaurant. Said one disgruntled waiter, “Freshin’ up your drink, sir?”

7. Before Monday’s Game 4 against the Charlotte Bobcats, the Miami Heat showed their support for the Los Angeles Clippers players by turning their warm-ups jerseys inside-out. Either that, or someone forgot to do their laundry.

8. A bill has been introduced in the state legislature that would make New York the first state to prohibit the finding of condoms on someone’s person from being used as evidence in prostitution cases. A law that I didn’t know existed and now makes me look at my 6th grade health teacher in a whole new light.

9. A porn website said it will plant a tree for every 100 videos watched. Said one web surfer, “I’m all about spreading some seed.”

10. On Tuesday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie tapped former state Attorney General John Degnan as the new chair of the NY/NJ Port Authority. Many are skeptical of the appointment citing Christie’s longstanding antagonistic relationship with chairs.

April 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mercedes Benz and CarMax have pulled their sponsorship deals with the Los Angeles Clippers in the wake of owner Donald Sterling’s racist comments. But those companies have been quickly replaced by new sponsors Paula Deen’s Hometown Buffet and the entire state of Alabama.

2. Country music legend Willie Nelson turns 81 today. To celebrate, friends are throwing him a surprise party, but when you’re Willie Nelson, aren’t all parties surprise parties?

3. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent while making only $8.03 an hour. Which is why the seven dwarfs live together in real life too.

4. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent making while only $8.03 an hour. Said one employee, “It all started to go downhill when we installed Barack Obama in the Hall of Presidents.”

5. Researchers have found 3,000 different kinds of bacteria living on $1 bills. So it turns out Sally Struthers was wrong, I actually saved more lives by not sending that dollar a day.

6. Colorado lawmakers approved legislation on Monday that limits the use of solitary confinement for prison inmates. Said one prisoner, “Great, a roommate? Now I gotta put my name on all my shivs.”

7. California lawmakers took steps on Monday to ban so-called extortion websites from posting mug shots of people who have been arrested and then demanding payment to remove the photos. The victims call it a crass way to make a buck, while Lindsay Lohan calls it the most positive publicity she’s had in years.

8. A letter from a passenger on the Titanic written just hours before the ship hit an iceberg and sunk, sold at auction on Saturday for $200,000. The letter reads, “Trip has been great. Just the vacation I needed. Staff has been attentive, although for some reason they keep rearranging the deck chairs.”

9. A bearded Austrian drag queen named Conchita Wurst will take to the European stage as her country’s contender for Eurovision, the extremely popular television singing contest that pits nation against nation. If Wurst fails to win, she will return to her day job, Cher impersonator.

10. An Ohio woman has been charged with petty theft after cemetery surveillance video caught her taking a toy off the grave of a young boy. As a result, I will have to find a new place to get my flowers.

April 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to media reports, notorious bachelor George Clooney is engaged to his lawyer girlfriend Amal Alamuddin. Said Clooney, “I just starred in ‘Gravity’ where I was alone in the darkness of space with just one woman and eventually floated off into a void of nothingness, so I think I got a pretty good idea what marriage is gonna be like.”

2. According to media reports, notorious bachelor George Clooney is engaged to his lawyer girlfriend Amal Alamuddin. So congratulation to Clooney on the engagement and congratulations to Alamuddin on whatever blackmail material she obviously has.

3. Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in hot water for allegedly making racist remarks after his girlfriend posted a photo of herself and basketball legend Magic Johnson on Instagram. Hey Donald, if you’re jealous and worried that your girlfriend slept with Magic, you’re top concern shouldn’t be that he’s black.

4. Los Angeles Clipper players staged a protest before their playoff game on Sunday against racist comments allegedly made by team owner Donald Sterling, turning their warm-up jerseys inside-out to hide the team name. Said Sterling, “Message received, loud and clear, reversible jerseys.”

5. The iconic Rubik’s cube turns 40 this week. The goal of the game is to turn the cube in such a manner that all the same colors end up together, which coincidentally is also Donald Sterling’s life motto.

6. A new study has found, regularly practicing pelvic floor exercises helped improve lifelong premature ejaculation issues in a small group of men. Said those men’s wives, “Oh, come on, I just mopped there.”

7. A new study has found, regularly practicing pelvic floor exercises helped improve lifelong premature ejaculation issues in a small group of men. Said one subject, “That didn’t used to be ‘shag’ carpet.”

8. On Saturday, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said any unity government with the militant group Hamas would recognize the existence of the state of Israel. Which isn’t surprising because I gotta believe the fact that Israel still exists would be the driving force behind any unification.

9. A dig in a New Mexico landfill on Saturday unearthed hundreds of “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” video game cartridges. And, much the alien itself, once the dig was over, the participants had to “phone home” so their parents could come and pick them up.

10. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent while only making $8.03 an hour. It’s gotten so bad, employees now go on Splash Mountain to shower.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Fundraising has begun for a statue of former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno that will be built in downtown Happy Valley in 2015. The statue will be strategically built so that Paterno will always be looking out over the football stadium, while simultaneously turning his back to everything that’s happening off the field.

2. Yesterday, Mississippi banned abortions for pregnancies beyond twenty weeks. The new law combines two things most Mississippians are terrible at, practicing safe sex and counting to twenty.

3. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School which will open in 2017. The school will graduate students in eight years, when they really should have been done in four.

4. On Wednesday, Netflix announced its first original Spanish-language television series. The show will be entitled “House of Green Cards.”

5. A Tennessee man was arrested after breaking into and falling asleep at the Memphis motel where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated which is now part of the National Civil Rights Museum. So I think the main take away is, things turn out poorly if you go to this Memphis motel and have a dream.

6. A Florida man named Edward Cocaine was arrested over the weekend on felony drug charges. Which, I’m sure, led to a hilarious jailhouse version of “Who’s on First?”

7. Yesterday, as expected, the New York Knicks fired head coach Mike Woodson. Said Woodson, “Joke’s on you, I quit months ago.”

8. The one-eyed, handless, radical Islamic terrorist Abu Hamza al-Masri went on trial yesterday. But he is more commonly known by his nickname, the non-committal suicide bomber,

9. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Man, even her unborn child doesn’t want to work with her.

10. A New Jersey woman is suing the State’s Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate that read “8THEIST.” When asked why she believed so strongly in the absence of God, the woman replied, “Because I’ve been to the New Jersey DMV.”

April 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sri Lanka on Thursday deported a British tourist for having a tattoo of Buddha on her arm which a court said was an insult to the island’s main religion. But, in the woman’s defense, it started out as a tattoo of Gandhi, but then she got fat.

2. Fundraising has begun for a statue of former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno that will be built in downtown Happy Valley in 2015. That statue will be strategically built so that Paterno will always looking out over the football stadium, while simultaneously turning his back to everything that’s happening off the field.

3. Yesterday, a former Kentucky postal worker accused of “destroying, hiding and delaying the delivery of at least 44,900 pieces of mail” was sentenced to six months in federal prison, where the phrase “you got male” will take on a whole new meaning for him.

4. A bill that would criminalize the posting of intimate images over the internet as an act of humiliation passed its first test in the Colorado state legislature on Thursday. No word on how this will affect the rebroadcast rights of the Denver Broncos’ performance at last year SuperBowl.

5. First Lady Michelle Obama has switched her plans to speak at a high school commencement ceremony in Topeka, Kansas after students protested that her presence would limit the number of family members they could invite to the ceremony. Number one, this is Kansas, they’re can’t be that many graduates. And, number two, this is Kansas, aren’t you all related to each other anyway?

6. Yesterday, Mississippi banned abortions for pregnancies beyond 20 weeks. The new law combines two things most Mississippians are terrible at, practicing safe sex and counting to twenty.

7. Facebook said on Thursday that it has created a newswire tool tailored to journalists. Said reporters, “We’re professional journalists, we take our job very seriously. We don’t turn to Facebook to get our news, that’s what Twitter is for.”

8. Under a new interpretation of an old criminal law, China will now jail people up to 10 years for eating rare animals. Said the Chinese people, “Okay, if that’s the case, I’ll take my penguin medium-rare.”

9. A new study suggests that when women are ovulating they are more attracted to musicians who can make complex music. Which goes a long way in explaining why pre-pubescent girls love Justin Bieber.

10. A University of Utah committee investigating reports that a Salt Lake City fertility clinic worker artificially inseminated a patient with his own sperm was unable to determine if the switch was intentional. So I guess that worker must have had a pretty good excuse as to why he had his own semen on hand at work that day.

11. The IRS came under fire on Tuesday after an audit revealed that it paid bonuses to employees who were in tax trouble themselves. Said the IRS, “Don’t worry, we’ll get that money back, plus interest, in a year when those employees fail to report that income on their taxes.”

12. On Wednesday, the American Postal Union organized protests at 50 Staples stores in 27 states to oppose a deal where U.S. postal products will be sold at the office supply megastores nationwide. Unfortunately, no one showed up to the rallies because the union sent out reminders by mail.

13. A team of surgeons in India were shocked to discover twelve 24-karat gold bars in the stomach of a man complaining of abdominal pain. “That’s disgusting, that’s no way to treat your body,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, “Who eats carrots?”

14. A nine-year-old Michigan boy found a 10,000-year-old mastodon tooth. As a result, the tooth fairy has retired.

15. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School which will open in 2017. The school will graduate students in eight years, when they really should have been done in four.

April 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, ESPN suspended reporter Darren Rovell after tweeting a disparaging comment about an obese man who was sitting courtside in Chicago during the Bulls first round playoff matchup against the Wizards. “Oh no, I hope it wasn’t me,” said everyone in Chicago.

2. On Wednesday, Netflix announced its first original Spanish-language television series. The show will be entitled “House of Green Cards.”

3. A Tennessee man was arrested after breaking into and falling asleep at the Memphis motel where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated which is now part of the National Civil Rights Museum. So I think the main take away is, things turn out poorly if you go to this Memphis motel and have a dream.

4. Georgia Governor Nathan Deal signed a broad expansion of gun carry rights into law on Wednesday, allowing legal gun owners to take weapons into bars, churches and government buildings. Which is pretty much all the buildings in Georgia.

5. According to a new study, women with HPV may be putting their partners at risk if they share sex toys. Which is why my wedding gift is always a his-and-her set of butt plugs.

6. According to a recent survey, regardless of whether cancer patients sought to be involved in decisions about their treatment, those who were ended up more satisfied with their care. Although, to be fair, it’s really hard to poll those patients who were unsatisfied.

7. A local chapter of the KKK has launched a neighborhood watch program in Fairview Township, Pennsylvania. “Even I think that’s a bad idea,” said George Zimmerman.

8. Earlier this week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that recreational marijuana will never be legal in the state as long as he’s in office. Which makes sense, because what use is pot to a man who gets light-headed anytime he walks anywhere and always has the munchies?

9. On Wednesday, two 10-year-old boys in Colorado were caught selling marijuana they had stolen from their grandparents’ supplies of legally purchased pot in separate occasions at the same school. Which explains how the school managed to raise $2.7 million at its bake sale this year

10. A team of surgeons in India were shocked to discover twelve gold bars in the stomach of a man complaining of abdominal pain. Or, as it was reported by the surgeons, six gold bars.

April 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida man named Edward Cocaine was arrested over the weekend on felony drug charges. Which, I’m sure, led to a hilarious jailhouse version of “Who’s on First?”

2. Gay right supporters in Ohio were given the go-ahead on Tuesday to begin gathering signatures to put a proposed state constitutional amendment to make same-sex marriage legal on the ballot. So the people of Ohio shouldn’t be surprised if, in the coming weeks, a couple of gay guys show up on your doorstep asking for their John Hancock and also their signature.

3. Hillary Clinton’s new book will be entitled “Hard Choices,” because “The Taming of the Shrew” was already taken.

4. A group backed by conservative billionaires Charles and David Koch is attempting to win over the nation’s booming Hispanic population with its Libre Initiative. The initiative’s slogan is, Vote or Bye.

5. According to a panel of scientists who testified at a Senate hearing on Miami Beach on Tuesday, climate change is already affecting Florida and coastal communities could see a three-foot rise in sea level by the end of the century. But, on the plus side, less ground for you stand.

6. A former New York police officer accused of going on tour with his metal band “Cousin Sleaze” during the two years he claimed disability benefits pleaded guilty on Tuesday. Although, anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to name his band “Cousin Sleaze” clearly has something wrong with him.

7. According to a new study, older Americans who regularly spent time online were about a third less likely to suffer from depression than peers who do not use the internet. While younger people whose grandparents have learned how to use Skype experience the opposite effect.

8. On Monday, officials said a ballot initiative that could make Alaska the third state to legalize recreational marijuana use will go before voters in November rather than August as previously scheduled. But, to ensure a high voter turnout, they’re still telling stoners it’s in August.

9. On Monday, officials said a ballot initiative that could make Alaska the third state to legalize recreational marijuana use will go before voters in November rather than August as previously scheduled. Although it sounds like Alaskan officials may have already started using marijuana recreationally.

10. Former reality-tv star Tila Tequila announced that she is pregnant. And no matter the sex, Tequila said she is going with the first name “AsAResultOf.”

April 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, as expected, the New York Knicks fired head coach Mike Woodson. Said Woodson, “Joke’s on you, I quit months ago.”

2. The one-eyed, handless, radical Islamist terrorist Abu Hamza al-Masri went on trial yesterday. But he is more commonly known by his nickname, the non-committal suicide bomber,

3. A new study found, many emergency room doctors still give potentially dangerous opiates to kids for pains and coughs. Said the kids, ”Everyone just needs to relax.”

4. A judge on Monday found the bodyguard of singer Chris Brown guilty of assaulting a man outside a Washington hotel last October. Unfortunately, that man was not Chris Brown.

5. A New York City taxi driver is charged with keeping more than $28,000 that should have gone to bridge and tunnel tolls. I don’t know how the cabbie spent those ill-gotten funds, but I’m sure they didn’t go towards a car air-freshener.

6. Experts believe a 16-year-old who stowed-away in the wheel well of a five-hour Hawaiian Airlines flight from California to Hawaii survived the lack of oxygen and freezing temperatures by going into a “hibernative” state. Smart, I have trouble sleeping on long plane rides, too.

7. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Apparently unborn fetuses need more than cigarettes and vodka to survive.

8. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. “Thank God I don’t have to weigh in on this one,” said pro-life advocates.

9. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Say what you will, but that kid made a pretty good decision.

10. During the finale of her docu-series “Lindsay,” Lindsay Lohan revealed that she recently had a miscarriage. Man, even her unborn child doesn’t want to work with her.

April 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, young people are smoking fewer cigarettes, but cigar use is on the rise. “It may not be as bad as you think, did you ask them what they’re using the cigars for?” said Bill Clinton.

2. A New Jersey woman is suing the State’s Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate that read “8THEIST.” When asked why she believed so strongly in the absence of God, the woman replied, “Because I’ve been to the New Jersey DMV.”

3. An Ohio couple who met as teenagers and were married for 70 years died this weekend from natural causes only 15 hours apart. The husband called it “the most peaceful 15 hours” of his life.

4. According to a new study, women enrolled in yoga classes reported a reduction in symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Unless of course there are fat people in your hot yoga class, then you’re right back at square one.

5. Yesterday, Easter fell on the marijuana holiday of 4/20. So finally that stoner you know with the long hair and beard, who is always wearing sandals, was dressed appropriately for the occasion.

6. Yesterday, Easter fell on the marijuana holiday of 4/20. As a result, Jesus kept hitting the snooze button and didn’t rise until 2:15 pm.

7. Miss America has suggested officials at a Pennsylvania high school reconsider their decision to suspend a student for approaching her at a school assembly and asking her to prom. But if you think the suspension was a rash and stupid decision, keep in mind that it was handed down by a school who also thought it would be a good idea to hold a school assembly for Miss America.

8. Miss America has suggested officials at a Pennsylvania high school reconsider their decision to suspend a student for approaching her at a school assembly and asking her to prom. Although I get the sense this suspension won’t have the desired effect on what is apparently the most confident boy in the world.

9. According to a new study, the type of insurance people have is tied to their risk of needing emergency aorta surgery. So I guess the lesson is avoid whatever insurance Chris Christie has.

10. Former talk-show host Rosie O’Donnell has lost fifty pounds. Which isn’t as impressive once you realize that most grizzly bears lose a lot of weight once winter is over and they stop hibernating as well.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A missing Nebraska toddler was found trapped inside a toy-vending claw machine earlier this week. So, for once, that might actually be a roll of quarters in Jerry Sandusky’s pocket.

2. According to a new report, posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable. Unless, of course, you live in West Virginia, where having a dog means you have no use for an online dating profile.

3. On Wednesday, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he plans to spend $50 million this year to counter the influence of the National Rifle Association. Here’s hoping that Bloomberg spends at least some of the money on buying himself some camouflage clothing.

4. Toyota unveiled a substantially redesigned, and less conservative looking, Camry at the New York Auto Show on Wednesday. So, 40-something-year-olds will have to find a new way to tell the world they’ve given up on their dreams.

5. The brothers of late actor Paul Walker will fill in for the action star in order to complete scenes for the upcoming film “Fast & Furious 7.” When asked what he thought about the plan, one of Walker’s brothers replied, “It’s dyno-mite!”

6. Masters champion Bubba Watson celebrated his victory on Sunday with a late night trip to a local Waffle House. Which marks the first time anyone has ever worn a sport-jacket inside a Waffle House.

7. According to a recent study, men who get treatment for alcoholism don’t just improve their own health, they also transform their children’s home life for the better. Because now they get to live with their mother.

8. Seven chimpanzees used an improvised ladder from a tree to scale a wall and briefly escape their enclosure at the Kansas City Zoo last week. The chimps voluntarily returned to their enclosure once they realized that what lay over the wall was Kansas City.

9. Last week, Kevin Federline welcomed his sixth child into the world. I’m guessing he keeps having kids so he has an excuse for all that excess baby weight.

10. Last week, KISS, Hall & Oates and Nirvana all celebrated their induction into the Music Hall of Fame by performing some of their most famous songs. So, for at least one night, Kurt Cobain was the luckiest member of Nirvana.