Tag Archives: Barack Obama

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

July 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While on his first presidential trip to England, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted a picture of the President sitting in Winston Churchill’s chair. Thus keeping Trump’s streak alive of ruining furniture while abroad:

2. A plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Bumbum” or “Dr. Butt” on social media because of his buttock-enhancement operations was arrested on Thursday in Rio de Janeiro. Word of advice, while you’re in jail, maybe go by “Steve.”

3. According to a new study, when wives earn more than their husbands, neither partner likes to admit it. “Bitch, I love it!” said Stedman, sitting in a bathtub full of money:

4. When Queen Elizabeth met with the President last week, she was reportedly wearing a brooch given to her by President Trump. Even worse, she was also wearing a pair of underwear given to her by President Clinton.

5. The makers of Crocs announced a high-heel version of their shoe. That hard-to-believe story again, people willingly identified themselves as the makers of Crocs.

6. Ahead of this week’s Summit with Russia President Vladimir Putin, President Trump said he didn’t think there would be “a Perry Mason moment.” But, there’s a good chance they’ll be a Mr. Belvedere moment:

7. While undergoing treatment for brain cancer, Senator John McCain on Monday called President Trump’s meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki “a tragic mistake” and a new low point for the United States. That story again, a man with an obvious brain injury was insulted by John McCain.

8. According to a new study, animal, like humans, are reluctant to give up on pursuits they’ve invested in. The study was conducted by one Wiley E. Coyote:

9. An 800-year-old tradition of counting the swans owned by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth started on Monday. Which should be easier than counting the number of Trump’s bird:

10. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump had a one-on-one meeting that last over two hours. Which, if my math is correct, means Trump was able to tell Putin the story of his electoral college victory thirty-four times in a row.

11. Less than a month after “Saturday Night Live China,’ debuted in Beijing, episodes can no longer be seen on the platform that was hosting it. Even worse, SNL episodes featuring Rob Schneider can still be seen in the U.S.

12. A day after saying, “I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia”, in response to a question about election meddling, President Trump clarified his statement saying, “I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’.” He went on to say, “I also misspoke when I said the word ‘reason’ instead of ‘treason’.”

13. Starting next month, people will be able to legally print 3-D guns at home. That means you will be able to log onto your computer, download a file, wirelessly connect to your printer and print a 3-D working gun, you know, just like the founding fathers intended.

14. According to a new study, the snorting sounds coming from a horse may signal contentment or pleasure. While snorting sounds coming from a human means Tim Allen is near by.

15. A New Orleans zoo remained closed on Saturday after a jaguar escaped its habitat and killed six other animals. The jaguar killed so many animals it was named an honorary Trump son:

16. On Thursday, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said “President Trump asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite President Putin to Washington in the fall.” And say what you will, but convincing him to come back to your place after just one date is pretty impressive.

17. John Schnatter, the recently disgraced founder of Papa Johns, said he regrets stepping down. “Now you know how we feel,” said every person after taking a bite of Papa Johns pizza.

18. Jeff Bezos’ rocket company plans to charge passengers $300,000 for its first trips into space next year. And despite the price tag, if you’re checking a bag, it’s still an extra $10.

May 25, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week the New York Botanical Gardens premiered an exhibition from Georgia O’Keeffe entitled Visions of Hawaii. The exhibition highlights little known facts about our 50th state, for instance, did you know that Hawaii looks exactly like a vagina?

2. It was announced this week that the CW’s “Jane the Virgin” TV show will end after five seasons. Experts are calling it the easiest series finally to write ever.

3. This week, Pornhub released a porn-version of the hit musical Hamilton. And I pray to god they make Mike Pence sit through this one too:

4. In a new interview, the former U.S. ambassador to Panama compared President Trump to a velociraptor saying, “If you do not show him deference, he kills you.” But there are differences, for instance, one is an extinct, small-minded creature that knows nothing about geo-political affairs and the other is a velociraptor.

5. Rudy Giuliani claims that his legal team has been told, off the record, of an informant that was placed inside the Trump campaign. Said Giuliani, “That’s insane, is that even legal?” upon hearing that someone said something off the record:

6. Over the weekend, President Trump called his wife “Melanie” on Twitter. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump has cheated on her multiple times, admitted to not getting her much for her birthday and is now calling her by the wrong name, even Ike Turner is like, “Dude, you gotta be a better husband.”

7. President Trump on Friday escalated his attacks on the Justice Department, suggesting that the FBI may have planted or recruited an informant in his 2016 presidential campaign. Trump thought he knew who the mole on the campaign was because he didn’t recognize the guy’s face until his aids told him that was Eric.

8. A candidate for county commission in Dallas revealed in an interview that he had established a trust for his children that proposed incentives for them to marry white people. “Is that even legal?” asked Kris Jenner upon hearing that your children can marry white people.

9. This week, one of Michael Cohen’s business partners, a man known as the taxi king, agreed to cooperate with the government, a move that many are saying could be the beginning of the end for Cohen. While Trump’s ultimate undoing will most likely be attributable to either the burger or papaya king:

10. On Monday, former President Barack Obama announced a multiyear Netflix deal in which he and the former first lady, Michelle Obama, will produce shows and films for the streaming service. This marks the second time a U.S. president has filmed something for a streaming service:

11. A restaurant in Texas has put a picture of Bruce Jenner on the door to the men’s restroom and a picture of Caitlyn Jenner on the door to the women’s restroom. Yet another example of a woman who lost her job to an old white, guy:

12. A not-for-profit group has announced plans to put a library on the moon. “Wow, I’ve always wanted to masturbate on the moon,” said homeless people.

13. Facebook users in the U.S. who want to run certain ads on the social media platform will need to hand over the last four digits of their social security number and a picture of a government-issued ID. That’s seems excessive, Facebook definitely already has that information about everyone anyway.

14. A man in Ohio called police this week after he noticed that a pig was following him and did not know what to do about it.“Just give in, fighting only makes it worse” said this guy:

15. A bankruptcy court judge on Tuesday ordered the law firm of Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti to pay a $10 million judgment. So Avenatti is familiar with porn stars, loves going on TV, and now has experience in bankruptcy court, how is this guy not Trump’s lawyer?

16. Police in Philadelphia say that a six-year-old girl in a Kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. So let that be a warning to all you kids, Emma’s a snitch.

17. Video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump once left an event for twenty minutes in order to return so he could make a grander entrance via helicopter. Attendees called the entrance “ostentatious” and the interim, “the best twenty minutes ever.”

18. Conservative commentator Tomi Lahren said a patron at a restaurant in Minnesota where she was dining threw a glass of water at her. Lahren didn’t melt, so now the patron is forced to go with her backup plan of dropping Auntie Em’s house on her.

19. According to reports, President Trump’s lawyers and special counsel Robert Mueller discussed a potential January 27, 2018, interview of the President before talks between the two sides stalled. According to sources, talks were so premature that the Trump administration didn’t even have time print up commemorative coins:

20. According to a new study, regular use of a CPAP sleeping machine could help improve some people’s sex lives. Especially people who have always wanted to fuck Babar:

21. A coalition of conservation groups sued the Trump administration on Thursday, accusing the government of slashing protections for migratory birds. Which is bullshit, because whatever’s in that birds nest on top of Trump’s head migrates south every weekend to Mar-a-Lago.

22. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. Stormy and West Hollywood have a lot in common, for instance, you don’t really need a key to get into either of them.

23. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. While Melania said she would settle for the key that let’s her out of the Lincoln bedroom.

24. According to a new study, a smartphone app may not be an effective method of measuring blood pressure in pregnant women. But, it is an very effective way to ruin an iPhone:

25. Earlier this week, Moses Farrow, Woody Allen’s son, wrote a 4,600-word essay defending his father against sex abuse claims. Allen said he was so proud of his son, the only way he could have been prouder is if he were his daughter and knew how to keep a secret.

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

January 26, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to his alleged-mistress Stormy Daniels, President Trump is deathly afraid of sharks. Is he afraid of all sharks or, like Charlottesville, does he make an exception for the great white ones?

2. According to reports, Matt Lauer’s wife has kicked him out of the house. Turns out he’s not the only Lauer who knows how to install a lock on a door.

3. On his last day in the Middle East, Vice President Mike Pence visited Israel’s historic Western Wall. “Look at this old, relic from a very long time ago,” said the wall.

4. The Weinstein Company has entered into exclusive negotiations to sell the studio to a group of investors led by former Obama administration official Maria Contreras-Sweet. It will be a nice change of pace for an Obama official to follow a sexual predator this time, instead of the other way around:

5. A car insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses, claiming they are more likely to get into accidents. Said one of those customers, “I’m brining you down, wait til everyone on Friendster hears about this!”

6. Last week, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. After which, I assume, he will go back to his day job as mayor of Munchkinland:

7. The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that North Korea will send 22 athletes to the Winter Games in the South Korea next month. The athletes said they look forward to representing North Korea this year and South Korea in 2022.

8. Twelve hours into the federal government shutdown, minority leader Chuck Schumer complained, “Negotiating with President Trump is like negotiating with Jell-O.” Said representatives from Jell-O, “Still not the worst publicity we’ve had”:

9. According to reports, ex-Trump staffer Omarosa Manigault Newman may have secretly recorded all of her conversations while working in the White House. If true, we may finally hear firsthand conversation only Omarosa was privy to, conversations like, “What is Omarosa doing here?” and “What the fuck is her job?”

10. According to a new survey, ten percent of Americans have never heard of Mike Pence. Said Pence, “Please tell me one of those people is Robert Mueller.”

11. During last weekend’s Woman’s March, the president of Planned Parenthood called on white women to do more to “save this country from itself.” In response, Hillary quietly excused herself to her punching wall:

12. On Monday, nominations for the Razzies, the awards for the worst movies of the year, were announced with “Transformers: The Last Knight” leading the way with nine nominations. Which is weird because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

13. Cybercriminals claim to be selling the Social Security numbers of babies on the dark web. “What about phone numbers?” asked Jared Fogel.


14. President Trump said on Monday that he would make a deal on immigration only if he sees it as beneficial for the country. Or if Melania starts to lose her looks.

15. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Of course Trump would have to be under oath because, as Melania will tell you, he’s way too heavy to be on top.

16. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Begging the question, does the oath count if your hand barely covers the Bible?:

17. Monday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Which means Donald saved some money by only having to send one bouquet:

18. A U.S. official appointed by President Donald Trump has resigned after CNN posted excerpts of him making racist and Islamophobic comments on a radio show he used to host. Asked whether they knew about the video, the Trump administration replied, “Why do you think we hired him?”

19. President Donald threatened on Thursday to withhold aid to the Palestinians if they did not pursue peace with Israel. But, the president should know that sometimes you have to support things even if you don’t want to:

20. Buyers who sign up early for new Trump-branded apartments in India are being given the chance to meet with Donald Trump Jr. Although, but if don’t have enough money to buy a condo, but still want to meet Don Jr., just tell him you have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

January 19, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, President Trump said the DACA immigration program is “most likely dead.” But, just to be sure, Paul Ryan wants to take away its healthcare.

2. White House physician Ronnie Jackson said President Trump is in good shape and credited that to genetics, saying “It’s just the way God made him.” That incredible story again, a man who saw Donald Trump naked, still believes that there is a God.

3. On Wednesday, Eric Trump defended his dad against allegations that he’s a racist, saying, “My father sees one color, green.” Which explains the President’s new immigration policy:

4. NBC said on Thursday it expects to set ad sales records for this year’s Super Bowl. “We’ll see about that,” said the Jacksonville Jaguars.

5. This week, a Frenchman who drank excessive amounts of alcohol and then drove 17 times round a roundabout said he had not heard the sirens when police finally brought him to a halt. Or, as a drunk driving in circles is called stateside, NASCAR.

6. Yesterday, White House doctor Ronnie Jackson delivered the results of Donald Trump’s physical examination. Doctor Jackson said, in his medical opinion, President Trump is generally in good shape, could stand to lose a few pounds and is undoubted the least racist person he has ever examined.

7. President Trump defended himself Sunday night after several days of controversy over his remarks about African countries, telling reporters, “I am not a racist.” Which I find hard to believe, because if the majority of your exposure to the African-American community is through Omarosa, how could you not be?

8. This week, Minnie Mouse received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In response, still-star-less Goofy sad something that rhymed with “Aw shucks!”

9. A new biography of French first lady Brigitte Macron claims her husband penned a racy novel inspired by their early romance, when he was still a teenager and she his married drama teacher. Thus combining two things Donald Trump hates, men with older women and reading.

10. T Children and teens who spend a lot of time with their grandparents may be less likely than peers who don’t to have negative and stereotypical ideas about the elderly. Counterpoint:

11. According to a new report, President Trump likes Starburst candy, but only eats the red and pink flavors. Just another example of no one liking the orange ones:

12. The Honda Accord won Car of the Year this week at the Detroit Auto Show. And, considering the show took place in Detroit, I’m guessing this was the runner-up:

13. The Ritz-Carlton in Riyadh, a 492-room hotel converted into a prison by the Saudis, will reopen to guests next month. A fancy estate that also serves as a prison, or, as Melania refers to it, the White House.

14. According to a new study, the incidence of hip fractures in older women in the U.S. is on the rise. “You’re welcome,” said the makers of Cialis,

15. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ in 2016, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to a porn star he had an affair with in 2006. “This story is going to ruin my reputation,” said the woman who has sex on camera, with strangers, for money.

16. Fox News killed a story during the presidential race that detailed an alleged sexual relationship between porn actress “Stormy Daniels” and then-candidate Donald Trump. Fox made the decision because the story didn’t comply with their strict guidelines, meaning it didn’t contain the words ‘Obama,’ ‘secret’ or ‘Muslim.’

17. Russia is setting up a supercomputer meant to improve weather forecasts ahead of this year’s soccer World Cup finals. Hey, Russia, if you don’t want the world to think you’re an evil superpower, maybe don’t try to develop a machine that controls the world’s weather.

18. After reviewing the medical records of the President released by the White House on Tuesday, Dr. Sanjay Gupta diagnosed President Trump with a common form of heart disease. The most surprising part of that finding is that Donald Trump has a heart.

19. On Wednesday, in response to his physical exam results, President Trump said, “I get more exercise than people think … I mean, I walk, I this, I that.” Although, it seems like a pretty good indicator that maybe you don’t exercise that much when you can’t even think of a second or third example.

20. According to reports, Donald Trump told Stormy Daniels, the pornstar he allegedly had an affair with, that she was, “Just like my daughter.” Well, I hope not, because you had sex with Stormy.

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them:

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.