March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

March 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson ripped Colin Kaepernick’s “bad choice of attacking the flag.” And by that I assume Simpson means Kaepernick should have attacked the flag and a waiter.

2. Over the weekend, 100-year-old Orville Rogers set a world record for the fastest 60 meters race for a man over 100. He also set the record for ‘Youngest Orville.’

3. Denmark said Thursday it will build a 43.5 mile fence on its German border to keep out wild boars that carry a deadly infection. And, President Trump is such a bad negotiator, America is somehow paying for it.

4. Mall staple Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy. “Look, I did my part,” said this guy:

5. According to reports, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James once gained seven pounds during a playoff game. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” said New York Knicks players, “what are these playoffs you speak of?”

6. A new poll found that a majority of Americans believe that the government is spying on them. Said Ivanka, “Especially when I taking a shower”:

7. Buffalo Bills wide receiver Zay Jones was arrested Monday night after he got into a fight with his brother, Cayleb, while naked. How embarrassing to be publicly identified as a Buffalo Bill.

8. This week, the last male northern white rhino died in Kenya leaving just two female members of the species. Said one female rhino to the other, “I guess we should learn how to play softball.”

9. According to reports, former top Trump aide Steve Bannon oversaw the controversial and possibly illegal collection of Facebook data by research company Cambridge Analytica. Which explains why the data was covered in the mustard stains and puss.

10. According to a polygraph report from 2011, Stormy Daniels was “truthful about having unprotected vaginal intercourse with Donald Trump in July 2006.” And I honestly can’t think of anything more irresponsible than having unprotected sex AFTER having Eric and Don Jr:

11. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day in 2011. Which means O’Day did the previously unthinkable, she made appearing on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ the second most embarrassing Trump-related thing on her resume.

12. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr.’s wife Vanessa found out about her husband’s affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day by going thought his phone while he was in the shower. “That doesn’t happen if you make them watch you take a shower,” said Harvey Weinstein.

13. This week, President Trump said he will get together with Russian President Vladimir Putin “in the not-too-distant future” to “discuss the arms race.” Presumably because he’s already lost the hands race:

14. On Wednesday, South Korean President Moon raised the possibility of three-way talks between North Korea, South Korea and the U.S. Said Trump, “I have the perfect U.S. representative for a three-way”:

15. On Thursday, The New York Giants traded defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, who lost a few fingers in a fireworks explosion, to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Pierre-Paul was so excited about the deal he gave it half a thumb up, which is his highest rating.

16. It was announced this week that actor Shia LeBouef will play his own father in a movie about him. It’s all part of LeBouef goal to make the most unwatchable movie ever.

17. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly assured aides to President Trump on Friday that no immediate personnel changes were in the works. “Define ‘immediate,’” said Bob Mueller.

18. Taco Bell is now selling a Strawberry Skittles Freeze slushie drink, made with real Skittles. It’s perfect for anyone who loves Skittles but always thought chewing was too much exercise.

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

May 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The California ALCU launched a mobile app on Thursday that will let bystanders record cell phone videos of police misconduct and then send the footage to the organization’s computer server. And, in future news, the ACLU’s computer server has exploded.

2. According to tech experts, wearables like the new Apple Watch will be overtaken by hearables, devices with tiny chips that can fit inside your ear, in the next five years. “Who looks stupid now?’ said the guy wearing the bluetooth headset.

3. Last night, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston as the number one overall selection in the 2015 NFL Draft. So good work Jameis Winston and good luck Tampa Bay Police Department.

4. According to a new survey, New York is the most popular city for young people aged 15 to 29 years old. And, if those kids play their cards right, they’ll have a semi-obstructed view of the New York City skyline from the Hoboken studio apartment they share with 8 other young people.

5. This week, Pope Francis came out in favor of wage equality for women. Which is very easy to say when you don’t employ any women.

6. A company is developing a selfie-stick that looks like a human arm so it doesn’t appear like the user is alone in his pictures. And trust me, if you’re carrying around something that looks like a human arm, you’re gonna be alone in all your pictures.

7. The co-founder of Weight Watchers died this week at the age of 91. “Feels like someone took a few extra cheat-days,” said his pallbearers.

8. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said she had a tough time breaking into the modeling business. She said her big break came the moment she said she wanted to be a model.

9. Starbucks is now offering a new s’mores flavored cappuccino. It is the most delicious way to stunt your kid’s growth.

10. A new study has fond a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which may explain why Janice Dickinson still thinks she’s relevant.

11. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination this week. Said Sanders, “Ever since I was a little boy, I always dreamed of being Vice President.

12. Famed animal researcher Jane Goodall said she believes Sea World should be shut down because it is cruel to animals. Goodall also believes Epcot should be shut down because it’s “boring as fuck.”

13. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to become 100% free of genetically modified organisms. “Well, I can see where I’m no longer welcomed,” said A-Rod.

14. Two women, stranded in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for almost two weeks survived on girl scout cookies and snow for water. Their ordeal marked the first time in history that anyone ever said non-sarcastically, “Good news, we got another box of Lemonades.”

15. Offering free breastfeeding support at the drugstore may help some nursing mothers who don’t have easy access to advice elsewhere. This, according to that creepy guy who works behind the counter at your local Walgreens.

16. Mattel said on Friday it has ended production of its Sea World Trainer Barbie doll. So now, if Barbie says “something smells fishy,” it will be in regards to Ken’s sexual orientation.

17. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is reportedly reaching out to gay Republicans. Said gay Republicans, “Make it a reach-around and we’ll talk.”

18. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, in one episode, the audience gets to hear Statler and Waldorf’s opinions on how the gays and Puerto Ricans are ruining this country.

February 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday’s SuperBowl drew a record 114.4 million viewers. So Marshawn Lynch wasn’t the only spectator on that last play.

2. After winning the SuperBowl Sunday night, possibly concussed Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman referred to opponent Seattle as St. Louis numerous times. Even more embarrassing, on Monday night, Edelman showed up to University of Phoenix stadium in full pads ready to play the SuperBowl.

3. The mayor of Boston has postponed the Patriots SuperBowl victory parade due to bad weather. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance,” said Seattle.

4. On Sunday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie departed on a weeklong, goodwill trip to the United Kingdom. While there Christie is renting a flat or, at least, it’s flat now.

5. Baltimore Ravens nose tackle Terrence Cody was indicted Monday on animal abuse charges relating to dogs and an illegally kept alligator. Said Cody, “I understand the NFL’s stance on dog fighting, but no one said anything about dogs fighting alligators.”

6. The creator of the birth control pill died yesterday at the age of 94. He is surprisingly survived by a lot of kids.

7. Pro Football Hall of Famer Warren Sapp was arrested early Monday morning and charged with soliciting a prostitute. Said Sapp, “I played for the Raiders and the Buccaneers, so this is no where near rock bottom for me.”

8. According to a new biography, Queen Elizabeth fears that Britain will be shocked by the different style of monarchy Prince Charles is planning. Word is, he plans on waving with his left hand.

9. Charles Manson called off his wedding scheduled for this weekend due to cold feet. Even worse, they weren’t his feet.

10. The four surviving original copies of the Magna Carta were put on display together at London’s British Museum on Monday for the first time. So if you thought museums were boring before, now you get the thrill of looking at the exact same document four times.

October 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. After the Falcons beat the Buccaneers on Sunday, the Falcons had the visiting locker room cleaned by workers in hazmat suits due to a recent MRSA staph outbreak amongst Buccaneer players. A spokesperson for the Falcons downplayed the whole incident, saying it is standard protocol to disinfect the visiting locker room after a possible staph infection or if the opposing team contains one of Kim Kardashian’s ex-boyfriends.

2. The New Jersey Supreme Court on Friday denied the state’s request to prevent same-sex marriages, clearing the way for same-sex couples to marry in the state starting yesterday. This is great news for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie because it means his state is one step closer to letting a man marry a hoagie.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dropped his legal fight against same-sex marriage on Monday, making New Jersey the 14th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Like most fights involving Christie, he immediately got winded and gave up.

4. Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick is the most disliked player in the NFL according to a poll released Monday on Said Vick, “It’s times like these that I miss Aaron Hernandez.”

5. 68-year-old Jim Leyland has resigned as manager of the Detroit Tigers after leading the team to three consecutive division titles and two World Series appearances in the last eight years. The announcement came as a surprise for most baseball fans who have always assumed that Leyland was at least 100-years-old.

6. Arkansas Representative Tim Griffin said on Monday he will not seek a third term in Congress, a surprise announcement made just days after the end of the government shutdown. And you know things are bad in D.C. when people are voluntarily leaving to go to Arkansas.

7. Over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble store. This will undoubtedly lead to tough questions when the kid grows up like “Where do babies come from?” and “What’s a Barnes & Nobel?”

8. Researchers found kids who were spanked as five-year-olds were slightly more likely to be aggressive and break rules later in elementary school. While kids who were spanked as 25-year-olds were more likely to be really weird.

9. Pop singer Kelly Clarkson, the first contestant to win the FOX singing competition “American Idol,” married talent manager Brandon Blackstone in a ceremony over the weekend. The ceremony took place at Blackberry Farms in Tennessee where, ironically, Justin Guarini parks cars.

10. Over the weekend, a Colombian soccer team was forced to play in knock-off versions of their own jerseys bought from street vendors outside the stadium after forgetting to bring their away uniforms to the game. That’s nothing, the New York Giants have been playing with imitation players all season.