February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

July 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump recently questioned efforts in communities across the country to ban plastic straws saying that plastic plates and wrappers pose a bigger threat. Although I remember a time, not that long ago, that he wasn’t that opposed to plastic: 

2. A Belgian man sat on a toilet for nearly five days this week in a bid to set a world record. That record, world’s worst roommate. 

3. New York City introduced a bill to the city council Tuesday that would bar mobile carriers from sharing people’s cell phone location data. Or, you could just switch to Sprint and then you won’t have service anywhere anyway.

4. A husband in Georgia died just twelve hours before his wife of 71 years died. Said the dead husband in heaven, “Can’t i just get one fucking day to myself?!?!” 

5. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani is serving as President Trump’s lawyer for free. And, from what I’ve seen, Trump is still being overcharged.

6. According to reports, Walmart and Nordstroms are building stores that don’t sell anything. “I guess we were just ahead of our time,” said Radio Shack.

7. The FDA has released a new anti-vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes into traditional cigarettes. Although, a better way to discourage teens from vaping, would be a trick that turns a teen with an e-cigarette into a street magician.

8. Dante, a 104-year-old bar and restaurant in New York City, was named the World’s Best Bar. And, in related news, the world’s worst bar remains William:

9. Two-year-old twins joined at the head underwent successful surgery at a British hospital to separate their skulls and brains on Tuesday. Thus leaving Eric and Don Jr. as the last pair of siblings still sharing one brain.

10. Last week, the CEO of Siemens said that President Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance. This marks the first time since the blue dress the semen has betrayed a president.

11. Last week, President Trump said he wouldn’t be watching Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony because, “you can’t take all those bites of the apple.” But, to be fair, for Trump, one bite of an apple is too many.

12. North Korean state media released images Tuesday of leader Kim Jong Un inspecting what appeared to be a submarine under construction. Not to be outdone, the White House also released a picture of President Trump inspecting a sub:

13. A Facebook-style social network was launched in Vietnam on Tuesday, following calls by the government for domestic tech companies to create alternatives to U.S. tech giants Facebook and Google. “I’m back, baby!” said Tom from MySpace.

14. After a possible suicide attempt, accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found injured inside his cell on Thursday. But, much like trying to have sex with a women above the legal age of consent, Epstein couldn’t finish the act

15. Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Hey Bernie, I’m no expert, but if you want to convince Trump I’d recommend showing a little contrition, admitting guilt, and using a much smaller word than ‘commute.’

16. People are speculating that 52-year old rapper Diddy is dating Steve Harvey’s 22-year-old daughter. And I have to admit, I see the resemblance:

17. Last week, a video went viral from Denver, Colorado where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. So I think we found the next Smokey the Bear.

March 18, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Scotland’s worst serial killer Angus Sinclair died at the age of 73. He is survived by his ‘to-do’ list.

2. It has been announced that there will be a new emoji to represent interracial couples. So, if you thought your grandfather were confused by emojis before…

3. A German yachtsman who was knocked overboard credited his jeans with saving his life after fashioning them into a make-shift life jacket that kept him afloat for over three hours. That story again, at this point, Jay Leno is basically half fish: 

4. A Texas couple has a started a company that sells beer for dogs. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Michelob Lite.

5. A British company has introduced a wearable penis camera. So gone are the days of having to tape a GoPro to your balls.

6. According to a new report, the average city bus in New York City travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. “That’s why we take the subway to work,” said business rats:

7. This week, NASA said that the first person on Mars will most likely be a woman. “Fuck,” said Dr. John Gray:

8. According to newly released emails, Rudy Giuliani reassured Michael Cohen in an April 2018 email that Cohen could “sleep well tonight” because he had “friends in high places.” Which means one of two things, Giuliani was dangling a presidential pardon or he was once again stuck in a tree:

9. Toyota announced plans to send an electric car to the moon by 2029. The way it will work is the driver will enter “Flagstaff, Arizona” into Apple Maps GPS and then follow the directions.

10. “Full House” actress Lori Loughlin appeared in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday to face charges of taking part in a scheme in which dozens of wealthy parents are accused of paying for their children to cheat their way into prestigious universities. And yet somehow Dave Coulier still walks around a free man.

11. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort read a statement during his sentencing hearing this week asking the judge for leniency so he can spend time with his wife. Said the judge, “Don’t worry, where you’re going, you’ll be the wife”:

12. Senator Cory Booker all but guaranteed at a campaign event on Friday that he will pick a woman as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination. “It sounds good in theory,” said the ghost of John McCain.

13. Actress Rosario Dawson, whose film credits include “Rent” and “Men in Black II,” has confirmed reports she is dating presidential candidate Cory Booker. Not to be confused with President Trump’s actress girlfriend who stared in “Bent” and “II Black Men”:

14. According to a new study women who gain more weight than recommended while pregnant may increase their chances for serious complications at delivery. As do the husbands who point that fact out to their pregnant wives.

September 21, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. I saw it and all I’ll say is he’s no Stretch Armstrong.

2. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. “I remember it being much bigger,” said Robin.

3. Polish President Andrzej Duda urged President Donald Trump on Tuesday during a joint news conference to deploy more US troops and military equipment to Poland, even suggesting the US establish a permanent military base and name it “Fort Trump.” “Name’s already taken,” said Eric:

4. Actor Tom Arnold is accusing reality producer Mark Burnett of attacking him at a pre-Emmys party Sunday night. That is a crazy story, who is inviting Tom Arnold to an Emmys party?

5. SpaceX revealed Monday that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be its first space tourist. So congratulations to Mr. Maezawa and an even bigger congratulations to his immediate heirs.

6. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon on Sunday said he regretted comments that he was “smarter” than President Trump. In response, President Trump said JP Morgan is a loser who was never funny on “30 Rock.”

7. China has arrested a 17-year-old junior high school dropout who pretended to be a billionaire, gave himself fake titles and posted Photoshopped pictures of himself with world leaders. Authorities knew something was amiss when they saw this picture:

8. This week, Soon-Yi broke her silence giving an interview where she accused her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. “That’s no way to treat a child,” said a judge to Woody Allen. 

9. Soon-Yi has broken her silence to defend husband Woody Allen and accuse her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. Said Woody, “It’s unthinkable that Mia could abuse her when she was child, especially because she was such a hot little child.” 

10. Tuesday was National Be Late for Something day.  So, if you didn’t celebrate, you still got time.

11. Julie Chen, the wife of former CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, is stepping down from role as host of CBS’s “The Talk.” In response, Moonves said he regrets that these allegations have forced his wife to leave her job and also that he won’t be around to sexually harass whatever hot chick they find to replace her. 

12. In Stormy Daniel’s soon-to-be-released memoir, she described President Trump’s penis saying, “He knows he has an unusual penis.” Begging the question, do you know how weird that penis has to be to stand out as weird on that body?

 

13. President Donald Trump on Monday praised Judge Brett Kavanaugh as “one of the finest people that I’ve ever known” in his first public comments since the Supreme Court nominee was publicly accused of sexual assault. And when you think about the people that he knows, he’s probably right:

14. On Thursday, Hawaiian Airlines announced the launch of “the longest regularly scheduled domestic route in US history,” an 11-hour flight between Boston and Honolulu. But, since the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie’, it will feel a lot longer.

15. A student pilot is in custody after he allegedly hopped a security fence early Thursday at Florida’s Orlando International Airport, boarded a passenger jet that was undergoing maintenance, and attempted to take-off. But can you really fault anyone who’s just trying to get the hell out of Orlando?

16. Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell claims that President Trump suggested Spain should build a wall across the Sahara desert to deal with the issue of migration from Africa. But I’m calling bullshit because there’s no way Trump knows the Sahara Desert is in Africa. 

17. A New York prisoner known for drawings golf courses was set free Wednesday after nearly three decades behind bars. A convicted felon who loves golf, is it possible to be over-qualified to be a part of the Trump White House? 

18. A woman in Kentucky was arrested this weekend and charged with assault of an officer after she reportedly “released her bowels” on her arrested officer. Said the woman, “Oh sure, when I do it, I get arrested, but when Al Roker does it, he gets invited to the White House”:

19. A federal judge will not force Georgia to use paper ballots for the November election, citing the potential for last-minute confusion. “That is confusing,” said most Georgia residents looking at a pencil and paper.

20. This week, while speaking about Hurricane Florence, President Trump said, “it’s one of the wettest we have ever seen from the standpoint of water.” Later in that a day, Trump had one of the wettest lunches we have ever seen from the standpoint of gravy.

September 7, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monica Lewinsky cut shot a live interview during a conference in Jerusalem Monday night after being asked an “off limits” question about former President Bill Clinton. That seems so out of character, she usually lets people finish:

2. A 95-year-old British man broke his own record on Saturday as the world’s oldest scuba diver. After breaking the record, he emerged from the water, unconnected his oxygen tank, removed his wetsuit, and then reconnected his oxygen tank.

3. According to a new study, smartphone apps that remind heart patients to take their pills could help them stick to prescribed regimens. Because if there’s one thing that people with bad hearts need, it’s random alarms going off at unexpected times.

4. A pair of stolen ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz” have been recovered in Minneapolis. Although I doubt they are the real ruby slippers because, if they were, they would have clicked themselves together a long time ago and gotten the fuck outta Minneapolis

5. Roy Moore, the former Alabama Senate candidate, on Wednesday filed a $95 million defamation lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen, claiming he was duped into appearing on the British comedian’s Showtime series. “I don’t like the sound of that,” said Cohen of the $95 million suit and Moore of Cohen’s last name. 

6. Last week, the White House announced that President Trump will skip summits with Asian leaders in in November, but send Vice President Mike Pence in his place. Said Trump, “It’s great when Pence goes to things I don’t want to. By any chance is he available on Eric’s birthday?”

7. The bishop who officiated Aretha Franklin’s funeral has apologized for being “too familiar” when he embraced singer Ariana Grande after her tribute to the Queen of Soul. Those in attendance called it “uncalled for” while the Catholic Church called it “an improvement”:

8. In a recent interview, former Secretary of State John Kerry said he wouldn’t rule out a presidential run in 2010. “Of course not, that’s our job,” said voters.

9. Watergate journalist Bob Woodward will release a new book Tuesday detailing life within the Trump administration entitled “Fear: Trump in the White House.” It is expected to sell much better than his previous book on the president “Rear: Trump in the White Blouse”:

10. Eight hundred pounds of lemons were recently stolen in Southern California. Look, I don’t want to tell the cops how to do their job, but maybe ask Lucy here how she’s able to sell lemonade so cheap:

11. In a new interview, President Trump claims that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is former FBI Director James Comey’s best friend adding, “I could get you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other.” “I guess that makes me the President’s best friend,” said Stormy Daniels.

12. Police executed a warrant Thursday morning to search through the home of the couple who raised $400,000 for a homeless Philadelphia man. “Who’s the dumb one for having a home now,” said the homeless man.

13. Philadelphia 76ers Joel Embiid recently revealed that he learned how to play basketball by watching YouTube videos of people shooting hoops. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing the Knicks learned by watching videos of the Washington Generals.

14. On Wednesday, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh declined to weigh in on whether a sitting president can pardon himself. Trump definitely has to be sitting when he ‘pardons himself’ because there’s no way he can see his own dick while he stands.

15. According to reports, in journalist Bob Woodward’s new book about the Trump administration, Chief of Staff John Kelly is quoted as saying, “I don’t know why any of us are here. This is the wort job I’ve ever had.” Keep in mind, this is a guy whose previous job was getting shelled by infidels in Afghanistan, saying working in this White House is the worst job he’s ever had.

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

May 25, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week the New York Botanical Gardens premiered an exhibition from Georgia O’Keeffe entitled Visions of Hawaii. The exhibition highlights little known facts about our 50th state, for instance, did you know that Hawaii looks exactly like a vagina?

2. It was announced this week that the CW’s “Jane the Virgin” TV show will end after five seasons. Experts are calling it the easiest series finally to write ever.

3. This week, Pornhub released a porn-version of the hit musical Hamilton. And I pray to god they make Mike Pence sit through this one too:

4. In a new interview, the former U.S. ambassador to Panama compared President Trump to a velociraptor saying, “If you do not show him deference, he kills you.” But there are differences, for instance, one is an extinct, small-minded creature that knows nothing about geo-political affairs and the other is a velociraptor.

5. Rudy Giuliani claims that his legal team has been told, off the record, of an informant that was placed inside the Trump campaign. Said Giuliani, “That’s insane, is that even legal?” upon hearing that someone said something off the record:

6. Over the weekend, President Trump called his wife “Melanie” on Twitter. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump has cheated on her multiple times, admitted to not getting her much for her birthday and is now calling her by the wrong name, even Ike Turner is like, “Dude, you gotta be a better husband.”

7. President Trump on Friday escalated his attacks on the Justice Department, suggesting that the FBI may have planted or recruited an informant in his 2016 presidential campaign. Trump thought he knew who the mole on the campaign was because he didn’t recognize the guy’s face until his aids told him that was Eric.

8. A candidate for county commission in Dallas revealed in an interview that he had established a trust for his children that proposed incentives for them to marry white people. “Is that even legal?” asked Kris Jenner upon hearing that your children can marry white people.

9. This week, one of Michael Cohen’s business partners, a man known as the taxi king, agreed to cooperate with the government, a move that many are saying could be the beginning of the end for Cohen. While Trump’s ultimate undoing will most likely be attributable to either the burger or papaya king:

10. On Monday, former President Barack Obama announced a multiyear Netflix deal in which he and the former first lady, Michelle Obama, will produce shows and films for the streaming service. This marks the second time a U.S. president has filmed something for a streaming service:

11. A restaurant in Texas has put a picture of Bruce Jenner on the door to the men’s restroom and a picture of Caitlyn Jenner on the door to the women’s restroom. Yet another example of a woman who lost her job to an old white, guy:

12. A not-for-profit group has announced plans to put a library on the moon. “Wow, I’ve always wanted to masturbate on the moon,” said homeless people.

13. Facebook users in the U.S. who want to run certain ads on the social media platform will need to hand over the last four digits of their social security number and a picture of a government-issued ID. That’s seems excessive, Facebook definitely already has that information about everyone anyway.

14. A man in Ohio called police this week after he noticed that a pig was following him and did not know what to do about it.“Just give in, fighting only makes it worse” said this guy:

15. A bankruptcy court judge on Tuesday ordered the law firm of Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti to pay a $10 million judgment. So Avenatti is familiar with porn stars, loves going on TV, and now has experience in bankruptcy court, how is this guy not Trump’s lawyer?

16. Police in Philadelphia say that a six-year-old girl in a Kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. So let that be a warning to all you kids, Emma’s a snitch.

17. Video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump once left an event for twenty minutes in order to return so he could make a grander entrance via helicopter. Attendees called the entrance “ostentatious” and the interim, “the best twenty minutes ever.”

18. Conservative commentator Tomi Lahren said a patron at a restaurant in Minnesota where she was dining threw a glass of water at her. Lahren didn’t melt, so now the patron is forced to go with her backup plan of dropping Auntie Em’s house on her.

19. According to reports, President Trump’s lawyers and special counsel Robert Mueller discussed a potential January 27, 2018, interview of the President before talks between the two sides stalled. According to sources, talks were so premature that the Trump administration didn’t even have time print up commemorative coins:

20. According to a new study, regular use of a CPAP sleeping machine could help improve some people’s sex lives. Especially people who have always wanted to fuck Babar:

21. A coalition of conservation groups sued the Trump administration on Thursday, accusing the government of slashing protections for migratory birds. Which is bullshit, because whatever’s in that birds nest on top of Trump’s head migrates south every weekend to Mar-a-Lago.

22. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. Stormy and West Hollywood have a lot in common, for instance, you don’t really need a key to get into either of them.

23. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. While Melania said she would settle for the key that let’s her out of the Lincoln bedroom.

24. According to a new study, a smartphone app may not be an effective method of measuring blood pressure in pregnant women. But, it is an very effective way to ruin an iPhone:

25. Earlier this week, Moses Farrow, Woody Allen’s son, wrote a 4,600-word essay defending his father against sex abuse claims. Allen said he was so proud of his son, the only way he could have been prouder is if he were his daughter and knew how to keep a secret.

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

April 13, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The White House announced that for the second year in a row, President Trump will skip the Correspondents Dinner. And, for the 40th year in a row he will skip Don Jr.’s birthday dinner:

2. A man who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight last week, ordered another drink with the knife still in his back. And despite having a fucking knife in his back, it still took him a good twenty minutes to get the bartender’s attention.

3. A sperm bank in Beijing has set strict criteria for would-be donors, including a requirement that they pledge their loyalty to China’s ruling Communist Party. Luckily you only need one hand to take a pledge.

4. On Monday, FBI agents raided President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices located at Rockefeller Center in New York City. In response, workers started putting up the tree because it feels like Christmas came early this year:

5. Experts are speculating as to how North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would travel to potential summit with President Trump due to North Korea’s lack of modern aircraft that can reliably fly across oceans. “Here’s a solution, hold the summit in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,” said Malaysian Airlines.

6. Voice actor Chuck McCann, best known as the voice behind the “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” bird, died on Monday at the age of 83. And I gotta say, if the best thing I’m known for when I die is voicing a cereal mascot, maybe just say you probably don’t know this guy.

7. Dino Sajudin, a former doorman at a Trump building, confirmed reports that the National Enquirer paid Sajudin $30,000 to prevent him from publicizing a rumor that Donald Trump fathered a child out of wedlock. Said Trump, “Oh, please, let it be Eric”:

8. This week, a turtle that breaths through its genital was added to the endangered species list. Making that two slimy reptiles whose genitals apparently need a lot of air that are now endangered:

9. Uber on Tuesday unveiled a new app for its drivers that includes a real-time earnings tracker. Because the one thing I want from my Uber driver is for them to be on their phone more.

10. This week, a former aspiring model confronted Bill Cosby at his retrial after testified against him saying, “You remember, don’t you Mr. Cosby?” Said Cosby, “I remember, but I’m surprised you do, I gave you a lot of drugs.”

11. Brothers Erik and Lyle Menendez, who were convicted in 1989 of murdering their parents, are together again and housed at the same California state prison. Erik and Lyle said being together again makes them reminiscent of old times and sad that they don’t have any more parents to kill together.

12. On Monday, the FBI raided the offices of President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen, seizing records relating to payments made to pornographic-film actress Stormy Daniels. “He should have hid that stuff underneath his mattress,” said every 15 year old boy.

13. Vietnam’s culture ministry has issued a directive against “inappropriate” statues after images of godlike sculptures with animal heads and human genitalia stoked controversy. Censoring statues seems crazy, but Vietnam may have a point:

14. On Monday, at Bill Cosby’s new trial, a woman protested topless. Cosby was shocked to see a woman topless woman who was also conscious.

15. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. Which is still not the worst planned entry someone has made into a NYC lobby in the past few years:

16. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. And, because it happened in the lobby, the doorman signed for the delivery.

17. On Tuesday, actor T.J. Miller, star of ‘The Emoji Movie,’ was arrested after allegedly calling in a bomb threat from an Amtrak train. Being attached to a bomb is something Miller will always carry with him and also the train thing isn’t good either.

18. Scientists have determined that a dead whale that washed ashore in the Mediterranean Sea died because it consumed 64 pounds of trash. Or, as it’s known at Arby’s, a number 2.

19. According to ‘The New York Post,’ women are lining up to date newly single, former-mayor Rudy Giuliani. That story again, Rudy Giuliani is now writing for ‘The New York Post.’

20. The Miami Marlins, who lost to the New York Mets on Wednesday night, had less fans in attendance than by their Double-A affiliate, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. ‘Jumbo Shrimp’ is an oxymoron much like ‘Marlins fan.’