May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

August 12, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 107-year-old woman in the Bronx said the secret to her long life was never getting married. “Solid advice,” said Nicole Brown Simpson.

2. Last week, a Florida man who goes by the name ‘Murder’ and has the word ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck, was found guilty of murder. Said the man’s lawyer, “I told you to tattoo ‘not’ before that.” 

3. Saudi Arabia will host the world’s richest horse race in Riyadh at the King Abdulaziz Racetrack next year, with a purse of $20 million. “I’ve got an idea,” said Usain Bolt:


4. This week, former Vice President Joe Biden said that “half of winning is showing up.” Which explains why Don Jr. and Eric lost all those tee-ball games:

5. In a recent interview, actor Jason Mamoa says he is unable to shoot ‘Aquaman 2’ because he got run over by a bulldozer. And not, as I suspected, because he saw ‘Aquaman 1.’ 

6. Actor Richard Gere on Friday visited 121 migrants stranded for the past week on a rescue ship in the Mediterranean. “And Richard Gere knows a thing or two about things getting stranded in unwelcome places,” said Squeaks the hamster.

7. According to a new study by the International Nut and Dried Fruit Council, men who eat nuts have better sexual performance. “Hello ladies,” said guy:

8. Last week, a jury in California ruled that singer Katy Perry’s hit single ‘Dark Horse’ copied a Christian rap song and must pay the original writers for copyright infringement. Yes, but what about justice for the jurors who were forced to listen to a Christian rap song? 

9. Last week, Apple announced that it has stopped letting contractors listen to user commands given to its voice assistant Siri. Said Apple, “Problem solved, we hired those contractors as full time employees.” 

10. President Trump recently attacked representative Elijah Cummings calling his Baltimore district a rat infested mess. Although his opinion of Baltimore has always been off:

11. According to Politico, President Trump reads four newspapers a day. Unfortunately, they are the same four newspapers everyday:

12. According to reports, the first lady of Japan may have pretended not to speak English after she was seated next to President Trump at the recent G20 Summit. Which is a shame, because the two seem to have so much in common, for instance, an inability to speak English:

13. An Indian man who was bitten by a snake got his revenge on the reptile by biting it back and killing it. And you don’t even want to know what he did to his dog after it humped his leg.

14. Police are searching for a woman who peed on a bin of potatoes in a Pennsylvania Walmart. “Ew, gross, potatoes,” said Trump.

15. Last week, democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders met with rapper Cardi B. They bonded over they desire to help the working poor, improve education, and stripping when they were younger:

16. After President Trump attached four ethnically diverse Democratic congresswomen, Republicans said they were unsure how President trump would respond to racist chants at his upcoming rallies. Although I’m guessing with a new line of hats:

17. In a televised speech last Monday condemning two mass shootings over the weekend, President Trump mistakenly referred to Toledo instead of Dayton as the city that suffered a mass shooting over the weekend. But, at this rate, give it a few weeks, and it will probably be accurate.

18. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. Said the driver of the flying car behind it, “Go!!!! It’s been green for a full minute!!! GOOOOOO!!”

19. Japanese electronics manufacturer NEC Corporation unveiled a prototype flying car that stayed in the air for almost a minute during a test in Japan this week. The last time a car stayed in the air for a full minute, Paul Walker was driving it.

20. Last week, a nearly toothless Florida woman says she bit a man who forced his way into her apartment. That’s a crazy story, someone in Florida has teeth?

21. The Department of Health and Human Services is warning that new toxic chemicals are starting to contaminate cocaine in the United States. Which is a great thing to mention to already very paranoid group of people.

22. A Texas man proposed to his girlfriend this weekend by leading her on a 15-mile bike ride that spelled out the words “marry me.” So ladies, next time you’re mad at your boyfriend because he’s making a lot of u-turns and seems lost, remember to be even angrier when he doesn’t propose at the end.

23. Saudi Arabia’s capital market regulator on Tuesday approved two companies to test using robo-advisory services, or computer-generated advice for investors. If successful, the will begin testing robo-cocaine and robo-strippers.

24. According to a new study, adults who were underweight babies may be less likely to have romantic or sexual relations. Which explains my new pick up line, “You’re so hot, I bet you were a fat baby.”

25. Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster followed through Sunday on a pledge to give a fan season tickets for tattooing his signature onto his scalp. “Oh my God, that sounds terrible,” said Giants fans of being given season tickets.

26. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fractured his shoulder Sunday after falling in his Kentucky home. Begging the question, how do you know where his neck ends and shoulder begins?

27. Coors Light has branded itself the official beer of drinking in the shower. And, I’m gonna guess, of peeing in the shower as well.

28. Kazakhstan has halted the implementation of an internet surveillance system criticized by lawyers as illegal. That hard to believe story again, they have the internet in Kazakhstan.

29. According to a recent report, when President Trump likes a tweet, he has a staffer print it our, then he signs it and sends the signed paper copy of the tweet to the person who tweeted it. And, in related news, there’s a fucking ‘Like’ button!!!!!!

30. A Michigan man was sentenced to 60 days in jail, to be served on weekends, for poisoning his wife’s coffee. That story again, a man in Michigan who tried to poison his wife has been sentenced to spend every weekday with her.

April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

March 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thomas Panek, a blind runner, made history on Sunday by completing the 2019 New York City Half Marathon without any human help. Panek said the hardest part of running through New York City’s boroughs was his heightened sense of smell.

2. A blind runner, made history on Sunday by completing the 2019 New York City Half Marathon without any human help. Which is impressive until you find out he was trying to run the Chicago marathon.

3. New York governor Andrew Cuomo has endorsed a new two-strikes plan that would permanently ban people from the subway who are convicted of two sexual offenses on mass transit. Said the creepy guy on the G-train, “If I never put it away, that only counts as one strike, right?”

4. In a recent interview, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that it’s possible that God sent Trump to save the Jews. Ah, yes, much like God sent that flood to save Noah.

5. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report  was more positive than he had anticipated. It’s always a good sign when your own lawyer is like “Even I’m surprised they found you not guilty.” 

6. This week, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said he made sure his nine children were exposed to chickenpox and caught the disease instead of giving them a vaccine. Even worse, he used to have ten. 

7. This week, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin said he made sure his nine children were exposed to chickenpox and caught the disease instead of giving them a vaccine. Not surprising that the guy with nine kids doesn’t like using protection. 

8. An albino pengiun made its debut appearance at a Polish zoo on Friday. Although, considering it’s a Polish zoo, there’s a good chance it’s just a fat dove.

9. According to new research, exposing cheese to round-the-clock music may give it more flavor. That story again, researchers have run out of things to study. 

10. A company in Japan has created a wearable milk tank shaped like a female breast in an effort to make it possible for men to breastfeed their children. So if you’re a new father looking for a way to bond with your baby, keep looking. 

11. During a speech this week, President Trump complained that he was not given a thank you for his handling of Senator John McCain’s funeral. But, in Trump’s defense, can you imagine how many people are going to say ‘thank you’ when Trump dies. 

12. 89-years ago this week, Colonel Sanders founded the first-ever Kentucky Fried Chicken store. Said President Trump to Melania, “Happy Anniversary!” 

13. On Friday, President Trump met with the leaders of the Bahamas, Dominican Republic, Haiti, Jamaica and Saint Lucia at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. Said Trump, “If you’re here, who’s mowing the lawn?”

14. Beto O’Rourke raised more than $6.1 million within the first 24 hours of announcing his candidacy for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing, it was mostly in singles:

15. A man stripped down to skimpy underwear and took a stroll through Moscow’s State Tretyakov Gallery on Wednesday evening in what it called an “unsanctioned performance.” That story again, apparently Shia LaBeouf is in Russia.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

September 21, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. I saw it and all I’ll say is he’s no Stretch Armstrong.

2. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. “I remember it being much bigger,” said Robin.

3. Polish President Andrzej Duda urged President Donald Trump on Tuesday during a joint news conference to deploy more US troops and military equipment to Poland, even suggesting the US establish a permanent military base and name it “Fort Trump.” “Name’s already taken,” said Eric:

4. Actor Tom Arnold is accusing reality producer Mark Burnett of attacking him at a pre-Emmys party Sunday night. That is a crazy story, who is inviting Tom Arnold to an Emmys party?

5. SpaceX revealed Monday that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be its first space tourist. So congratulations to Mr. Maezawa and an even bigger congratulations to his immediate heirs.

6. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon on Sunday said he regretted comments that he was “smarter” than President Trump. In response, President Trump said JP Morgan is a loser who was never funny on “30 Rock.”

7. China has arrested a 17-year-old junior high school dropout who pretended to be a billionaire, gave himself fake titles and posted Photoshopped pictures of himself with world leaders. Authorities knew something was amiss when they saw this picture:

8. This week, Soon-Yi broke her silence giving an interview where she accused her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. “That’s no way to treat a child,” said a judge to Woody Allen. 

9. Soon-Yi has broken her silence to defend husband Woody Allen and accuse her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. Said Woody, “It’s unthinkable that Mia could abuse her when she was child, especially because she was such a hot little child.” 

10. Tuesday was National Be Late for Something day.  So, if you didn’t celebrate, you still got time.

11. Julie Chen, the wife of former CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, is stepping down from role as host of CBS’s “The Talk.” In response, Moonves said he regrets that these allegations have forced his wife to leave her job and also that he won’t be around to sexually harass whatever hot chick they find to replace her. 

12. In Stormy Daniel’s soon-to-be-released memoir, she described President Trump’s penis saying, “He knows he has an unusual penis.” Begging the question, do you know how weird that penis has to be to stand out as weird on that body?

 

13. President Donald Trump on Monday praised Judge Brett Kavanaugh as “one of the finest people that I’ve ever known” in his first public comments since the Supreme Court nominee was publicly accused of sexual assault. And when you think about the people that he knows, he’s probably right:

14. On Thursday, Hawaiian Airlines announced the launch of “the longest regularly scheduled domestic route in US history,” an 11-hour flight between Boston and Honolulu. But, since the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie’, it will feel a lot longer.

15. A student pilot is in custody after he allegedly hopped a security fence early Thursday at Florida’s Orlando International Airport, boarded a passenger jet that was undergoing maintenance, and attempted to take-off. But can you really fault anyone who’s just trying to get the hell out of Orlando?

16. Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell claims that President Trump suggested Spain should build a wall across the Sahara desert to deal with the issue of migration from Africa. But I’m calling bullshit because there’s no way Trump knows the Sahara Desert is in Africa. 

17. A New York prisoner known for drawings golf courses was set free Wednesday after nearly three decades behind bars. A convicted felon who loves golf, is it possible to be over-qualified to be a part of the Trump White House? 

18. A woman in Kentucky was arrested this weekend and charged with assault of an officer after she reportedly “released her bowels” on her arrested officer. Said the woman, “Oh sure, when I do it, I get arrested, but when Al Roker does it, he gets invited to the White House”:

19. A federal judge will not force Georgia to use paper ballots for the November election, citing the potential for last-minute confusion. “That is confusing,” said most Georgia residents looking at a pencil and paper.

20. This week, while speaking about Hurricane Florence, President Trump said, “it’s one of the wettest we have ever seen from the standpoint of water.” Later in that a day, Trump had one of the wettest lunches we have ever seen from the standpoint of gravy.

August 3, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally this week, President Trump falsely claimed that photo ID is required to buy groceries in the U.S. Which means cashiers and Nancy O’Dell frequently tell Trump the same thing, “Sir, please put that away, I don’t need to see that.”

2. Jeremy Hunt the new British foreign secretary, made a diplomatic gaffe on Monday, calling his Chinese-born wife Japanese during talks with his counterpart in Beijing. Said Hunt, “Look, all I know is that she can’t drive worth a shit.”

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are engaged. So now you won’t know if a tabloid is calling Nick and Priyanka by their celebrity couple name or running a story about Jeremy Piven when they say there was a ‘Prick” sighting.

4. The former head of human resources at the FEMA, Corey Coleman, has been accused of trading sex for jobs at the agency. “So, that job is open now?” asked Harvey Weinstein.

5. Staff at the Eiffel Tower walked out on strike on Wednesday. Begging the question, how do you know an Eiffel Tower employee is ignoring your request for help because he is on strike or just bring French?

6. Bowing to pressure from China, American Airlines, Delta Air Lines and United Airlines removed references to Taiwan from maps on their websites. Not to be outdone, Malaysian Airlines did away with using maps altogether years ago.

7. Tomasz Stanko, a Polish trumpeter and prominent figure in avant-garde jazz for decades, died on Sunday at the age of 76. Thus bringing about the most welcomed moment of silence in history.

8. President Trump said on Monday he would be willing to meet Iran’s leader without preconditions, saying, “If they want to meet, we’ll meet.” “That gives me an idea,” said Robert Mueller putting on a hijab:

9. According to multiple sources, during discussions about renewable energy, President Trump more than once declared “I hate the wind.” While Eric is not a big fan of fire:

10. In a recent interview, long-time ‘Jeopardy’ host Alex Trebek hinted that he may soon retire and suggested Dan Coates as a possible replacement. Begging he question, Who is Dan Coates.

11. Scientists recently observed a mourning orca mom carrying her dead baby for days through the ocean. “She didn’t have a car trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

12. In an upcoming episode of “Finding Your Roots,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan learns that he is “slightly Jewish.” And, speaking as a Jew, my feelings when I found Ryan was also Jewish can be summed up in one meme:

13. President Donald Trump on Friday denied knowing about the 2016 meeting his son Donald Trump Jr. held at Trump Tower with a group of Russians. Look, I know Trump lies a lot, but him not giving a single fuck about what Don Jr. is up to seems very believable.

14. According to a new study, women are more sexually adventurous when they are trying to conceive a child. For instance, when Baron was conceived Melania agreed to have sex with Donald.

15. A mens clothing startup is set to launch an app the recommends clothing based on a guy’s Spotify playlist. Here’s what it recommends for the Coldplay listener:

16. Yane Petkov reclaimed on Tuesday the Guinness world record for swimming with his hands and feet tied while fully wrapped inside a sack. It’s cool that he set a record, but next time maybe he should just pay his bookie.

17. Over the weekend, President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign addressed rumors that it is paying Chinese manufacturers to produce campaign flags. Said the campaign staff, “Yes were are using Chinese manufacturers but, as is the Trump way, we don’t plan on paying them.”

18. According to sources, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are planning on staying in Washington D.C. for as long as President Trump does. So, Monday thru Thursday?: