April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

July 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While on his first presidential trip to England, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted a picture of the President sitting in Winston Churchill’s chair. Thus keeping Trump’s streak alive of ruining furniture while abroad:

2. A plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Bumbum” or “Dr. Butt” on social media because of his buttock-enhancement operations was arrested on Thursday in Rio de Janeiro. Word of advice, while you’re in jail, maybe go by “Steve.”

3. According to a new study, when wives earn more than their husbands, neither partner likes to admit it. “Bitch, I love it!” said Stedman, sitting in a bathtub full of money:

4. When Queen Elizabeth met with the President last week, she was reportedly wearing a brooch given to her by President Trump. Even worse, she was also wearing a pair of underwear given to her by President Clinton.

5. The makers of Crocs announced a high-heel version of their shoe. That hard-to-believe story again, people willingly identified themselves as the makers of Crocs.

6. Ahead of this week’s Summit with Russia President Vladimir Putin, President Trump said he didn’t think there would be “a Perry Mason moment.” But, there’s a good chance they’ll be a Mr. Belvedere moment:

7. While undergoing treatment for brain cancer, Senator John McCain on Monday called President Trump’s meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki “a tragic mistake” and a new low point for the United States. That story again, a man with an obvious brain injury was insulted by John McCain.

8. According to a new study, animal, like humans, are reluctant to give up on pursuits they’ve invested in. The study was conducted by one Wiley E. Coyote:

9. An 800-year-old tradition of counting the swans owned by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth started on Monday. Which should be easier than counting the number of Trump’s bird:

10. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump had a one-on-one meeting that last over two hours. Which, if my math is correct, means Trump was able to tell Putin the story of his electoral college victory thirty-four times in a row.

11. Less than a month after “Saturday Night Live China,’ debuted in Beijing, episodes can no longer be seen on the platform that was hosting it. Even worse, SNL episodes featuring Rob Schneider can still be seen in the U.S.

12. A day after saying, “I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia”, in response to a question about election meddling, President Trump clarified his statement saying, “I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’.” He went on to say, “I also misspoke when I said the word ‘reason’ instead of ‘treason’.”

13. Starting next month, people will be able to legally print 3-D guns at home. That means you will be able to log onto your computer, download a file, wirelessly connect to your printer and print a 3-D working gun, you know, just like the founding fathers intended.

14. According to a new study, the snorting sounds coming from a horse may signal contentment or pleasure. While snorting sounds coming from a human means Tim Allen is near by.

15. A New Orleans zoo remained closed on Saturday after a jaguar escaped its habitat and killed six other animals. The jaguar killed so many animals it was named an honorary Trump son:

16. On Thursday, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said “President Trump asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite President Putin to Washington in the fall.” And say what you will, but convincing him to come back to your place after just one date is pretty impressive.

17. John Schnatter, the recently disgraced founder of Papa Johns, said he regrets stepping down. “Now you know how we feel,” said every person after taking a bite of Papa Johns pizza.

18. Jeff Bezos’ rocket company plans to charge passengers $300,000 for its first trips into space next year. And despite the price tag, if you’re checking a bag, it’s still an extra $10.

January 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday the World Champion Chicago Cubs visited the White House, on Tuesday actress Betty White turns 95 and on Friday Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. So this week if you use the phrase, “I never thought I’d live to see the day,” you’re gonna have to be more specific.

2. Taco Bell has added an item to its menu that uses fried chicken instead of a taco shell called the Naked Chicken Chalupa. You can wander into any Taco Bell, go to the counter and either order it by name or just say “I give up.”
 
3. Last week, scientists in Japan observed a male snow monkey attempting to have sex with a female sika deer in a rare example of interspecies mating. But, in the monkey’s defense, it was really late, he had had a few and the bartender just announced ‘last call.’

4. ‘The People’s Choice Awards’ will air this Wednesday on CBS. And, considering the way things went the last time the people were allowed to decide, let me be the first to congratulate Best Picture of the Year winner “Dirty Grandpa.”

5. Yesterday, actor Rob Schneider was slammed on Twitter after attempting to explain the historical significance of Martin Luther King Jr. to civil rights activist John Lewis on Martin Luther King Day. The appropriate response would be to boycott all things Rob Schneider, but I’m pretty sure everyone’s already been doing that for the past twenty years anyway.
 
6. The German government said on Monday that Chancellor Angela Merkel is working to set a date this spring for a meeting with Donald Trump. Said Trump, “I could probably squeeze you in between my 1:00 with Right Said Fred and my 1:30 with that kid from Jerry Maguire.”

7. According to a new study, when you scramble a person’s name it means you love or at the very least have some affection for them. Which explains why Donald Trump has never once gotten Eric or Don Jr’s names wrong.

8. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. Doctors call her “a one in a million case” while Melania calls her “lucky.”

9. Yesterday, the B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen cover band scheduled to play at Donald Trump’s inauguration, backed out. I usually wouldn’t believe it when a bunch of middle-aged guys in a cover band canceled plans by saying they have some place better to be, but, in this case, I do.
 
10. A company called OpenBiome is offering $13,000 to anyone who agrees to ship their poop to them. And I, like a sucker, have been anonymously sending my shit to Ted Cruz in the mail for free for years.

January 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new program at a prison in Italy is attempting to turn inmates into sommeliers by teaching them the finer points of wine tasting. Said one such prisoner, “I’m getting hints of chocolate and oak, I’m guessing this one was brewed in Snake’s toilet?”

2. A surgeon in Japan is being accused of licking the left breast of his patient following a procedure on her right breast. The doctor said he felt compelled to do so after someone accused him of being an HMO.

3. A picture from the U.K. has gone viral that appears to show a horse trying to get on one of London’s iconic red double-decker buses. “We’ve seen something like before,” said unimpressed New Yorkers:
bus

4. A Catholic priest in Italy is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his church’s rectory and acting as a pimp for up to 15 women. Authorities became suspicious when the priest’s typical response to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” was “That ain’t nothing.”

5. Former “Dancing with the Stars” cast members Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd welcomed a baby boy early Wednesday morning named Shai Aleksander Chmerkovskiy. Although it wasn’t all happy news, unfortunately the guy tasked with filling out the birth certificate died of exhaustion.

6. A new study found that people who live near busy roads with heavy traffic face a higher risk of developing dementia than those living further away. Thus confirming my suspicion that Gary Busey has been living under a bridge for years.

7. Comedian Rob Schneider is putting together a plan to buy the San Francisco 49ers. Although I don’t know if calling Adam Sandler can be considered ‘a plan.’

8. German trauma surgeons advised the public on Wednesday to walk like penguins to avoid slipping on pavements with freezing temperatures forecast nationwide over the next few days. Hopefully it will end better than when German citizens were asked to goose step.

9. A mother in the U.K. was charged $39.35 by a hospital to hold her newborn baby. “So, can anyone get in on that deal?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

10. A French man named Robert Marchand made cycling history on Wednesday by covering 14 miles in one hour at the age of 105. Shattering all preconceived notions of just how boring bike racing can be.

December 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Sarah Palin said God helped Donald Trump win the presidency. Which I find hard to believe, because, if I know Donald, I doubt that’s what he was praying for:
trump-bed

2. It is being reported that when Donald Trump had dinner with Mitt Romney Tuesday night, the President-elect ordered garlic soup with thyme as an appetizer. Garlic can be rough on one’s breath, luckily we know Trump always carries around a box of Tic-Tacs.
 
3. On Thursday, President-elect Donald Trump expressed his support for Los Angeles’ bid to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. Even better, under Trump’s stance on climate change, come 2024, we’ll be able to hold the Summer Olympics any time of year.

4. New research reveals that participating in organized religion activates the same brain circuits that having sex and taking drugs do. Which isn’t surprising, since, if you’re doing them right, you see god during all three of them.

5. A sex therapist in Britain claims that women call their lovers “daddy” in bed due to a yearning to be dominated. And, also, because it’s seems weird to call him “Woody” or “Mr. Allen.”

6. This week pornography website PornHub released its first music video. Whereupon they were immediately sued for copyright infringement by Christina Aguilera.

7. Experts say that sex with robots could be become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, the toaster may be playing hard to get now, but, eventually, you’ll get there.

8. In a recent interview, designer Tom Ford said, if asked, he will refuse to dress incoming First Lady Melania Trump. But joke’s on Tom, Melania doesn’t even like to wear clothes:
melania

9. Last week, comedian Rob Schneider tweeted about the aftermath of the presidential election saying, “I haven’t seen the Democrats this mad since we freed the slaves!” Which can’t be true, because I’m sure some Democrats must have paid to see “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.”

10. A new study has found that children in the U.K. are among the least active on the planet. Not surprisingly, the British version of Pokemon Go was called Pokemon Come To Me.

11. Some college students in China have resorted to using nude pictures of themselves as collateral on student loans. We have a similar thing here in the states, it’s called stripping.

12. A Japanese designer has created a solar powered coat that charges the wearer’s cellphone. For instance, this guy is charging his Samsung:
fire

13. Last week, German Prime Minister Angela Merkel announced that she will run for a fourth term in office. “Okay, now you’re just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

14. Inmates at a Swedish prison have reported the institution to Sweden’s Justice Ombudsman because they are not happy with the recreational activities being offered, especially the lack of arts and crafts. Also, they’re not huge fans of the daily anal rapings.

15. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction is more common among men with gum disease. Which shouldn’t be that surprising since one is a soft gum situation and the other makes your situation look like soft gum.

16. VH1 has renewed “Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner” for a second season. But they could just rerun the first season and say it’s new because that fan base isn’t gonna remember.

17. A scientist in Japan claims that eating ice cream for breakfast makes you smarter. That story again, two Japanese kids on each other’s shoulders dressed in a lab coat have successfully convinced a country they’re a scientist.

18. A drone carrying a load of illegal items, including two mobile phones, a saw blade and various bolts, was delivered to an inmate on the fourth floor of a Danish prison last week. Weirdly the accomplice delivered the drone to the inmate by sneaking it into jail in his butt.

19. The Roman Catholic archdiocese has launched an app nicknamed ‘Sindr’ that allows users to go to confession via their smartphones. That sounds like a great idea, just tell your easily hackable mobile device all the terrible things that you’ve done.

20. Cheetos is selling a set of earings and a ring on its website for $20,000. Or, as Chris Christie refers to it, one stop shopping.

April 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In the wake of New England quarterback Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension being reinstated, on Monday, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said “Leave Tom Brady alone!” I don’t know about president, but, with that attitude, he’d make a great New York Jets defensive coordinator.

2. Top executives at ABC have personally apologized to Kelly Ripa for last week’s bungled announcement about the departure of her co-host Michael Strahan. Well, while ABC execs are at it, how bout apologizing for giving Rob Schneider a tv show.

3. The music of Prince soared to the top of the weekly U.S. Billboard 200 album chart on Monday after the singer’s sudden death last week. If that’s the case, I can’t wait for Justin Bieber to have the number one album in the world.

4. A U.S. appeals court on Monday restored the four-game “Deflategate” suspension of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, which he will serve at the beginning of next season. And, in even worse news, Denver Broncos quarterback Mark Sanchez remains eligible to play all 16 games next season.

5. On Monday, conservative radio personality Alex Jones claimed that Beyonce’s new album “Lemonade,” which released over the weekend, was funded by the CIA with the purpose of starting a race war. After which, Jones heard an NWA song and his head exploded.

6. A new study has revealed, smoking marijuana heavily during teenage years may lead to an early death. But, on the plus-side, it doesn’t take long for your life to flash before your eyes because you didn’t live that long and you can’t remember most of it.

7. According to a new study, bed bugs might dislike certain colors. And, in related news, bed bugs are now leading the Republican presidential race.

8. A New York woman was arrested on Monday for deficating on her boss’ desk after the woman won the lottery over the weekend. So I guess she chose the one lump sum option.

9. According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have prayed to heal themselves when experiencing health problems. And it’s not because they’re religious, it’s because that’s the only thing their insurance covers.

10. Police in Hollywood, Florida are looking for a man who robbed a local business while wearing in a floor-length strapless gown. But they always say, dress for the job you want.

July 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Los Angeles home of actor Rob Schneider was burglarized Monday night, with the intruders making off with a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card valued at $175,000. Hopefully the burglars also made off with all drafts of any future Deuce Bigelow movies.

2. The Los Angeles home of actor Rob Schneider was burglarized Monday night, with the intruders making off with a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card valued at $175,000. Which can only mean one thing, Adam Sandler bought Rob Schneider a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card.

3. In an interview on the Sarah Palin radio network, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would consider having the former Alaska governor in an official capacity in a Trump administration. “Trump/Palin! I’ll print up the signs,” said Hillary.

4. George Washington University has become the largest and most prestigious college to make standardized tests, like the SAT, optional for applicants. So now diploma is to George Washington University as greek currency is to the world.

5. On Tuesday, President Obama said he is confident if he could run for a third term he would win. Or, as it was reported on FoxNews, Obama threatens to rewrite the Constitution.

6. A top advisor to Donald Trump apologized on Tuesday for making “inarticulate” comments on the subject of marital rape. Although you can tell he’s not that really a top Trump advisor since he thought it would be a good idea to apologize.

7. On Tuesday, the Arizona Cardinals made history by hiring the first female coach in NFL history. Begging the question, if that’s true, who’s been teaching the Jets quarterbacks to throw these past few years?

8. In response to old allegations made by Ivana Trump, a top advisor to Donald Trump said you can’t rape your wife. “That’s outrageous! No one tells me who I can and cannot rape,” said Bill Cosby.

9. In an interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said embattled FIFA head Sepp Blatter deserves a Nobel Prize. More specifically, President Obama’s Nobel Prize.

10. In a recent study, North Korea was named the worst place to be a Christian. Although, they could have left out the ‘a Christian’ part and it still would have been accurate.

June 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said a woman will be featured on a redesigned $10 bill by 2020. Which means, theres’s a chance, for the first time in over 20 years, Hillary may be on a Bill.

2. According to a new study, older mothers may have babies who grow up healthier and better educated than infants born to women in their twenties. “I always knew having baby in your twenties was a bad idea,” said the stars of MTV’s “16 & Pregnant.”

3. Jeralean Talley, the world’s oldest-known person, died yesterday in Michigan at the age of 116. Her family became concerned for her health when she turned to dust.

4. Africa’s richest man, Nigerian Aliko Dangote, announced on Thursday that he wants to buy English soccer team Arsenal. Begging the question, how many goats does it take to buy a soccer team?

5. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump recently said he has better hair than fellow candidate Marco Rubio. Which is a delusional thing to say, but not as delusional as the phrase “presidential hopeful Donald Trump.”

6. Urging people to take action on the issue of climate change, this week Pope Francis said, “the Earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.” And, keep in mind, the Pope said this without ever having set foot in Detroit.

7. Netflix announced this week that former “That 70’s Show” castmates Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson have signed on for new series entitled “the Ranch.” Kutcher will play an ex-ball player who returns home to help run the family farm and Masterson, I assume, will work on craft services.

8. According to a new study, artificial trans fats, found in most fast foods, may interfere with one’s memory. But, by the looks of most of the people in those fast food restaurants, they’re eating to forget anyway.

9. A man born without arms threw out a first pitch strike with his feet at a San Francisco Giants game on Monday. “Well, it’s worth a shot,” said the Phillies pitching staff.

10. The White House has been very tight-lipped about a “secret” party thrown over the weekend by the Obamas featuring over 500 guests and performances by Prince and Stevie Wonder. Although one unnamed source in attendance said it sounded, smelled, tasted and felt like a good time.

11. On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Dish Network who fired a Colorado employee who never missed a day of work because he smoked medical marijuana and failed a drug test even though pot is legal in the state. As opposed to Time Warner, who, from I can tell, go out of their way to solely employ people who are high.

12. A thirteen-year-old girl singing an Ed Sheeran song in a Canadian mall on Sunday got the surprise of her life when the pop star, who happened to be shopping nearby, jumped on stage and joined her for a duet. A similar thing happened when a teen sang “Mambo No. 5” and Lou Vega happened to be on his lunch break from Spencer’s Gifts.

13. Just off of a very busy offseason, which included naming Rex Ryan as their new head coach, the Buffalo Bills set a franchise record by selling more than 57,500 season tickets. But, to be fair, many of those tickets were bought by Ryan’s family members and, much like when they fly, they are required to buy two seats.

14. Comedic actors Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig are swapping jokes for melodrama in Lifetime’s upcoming TV movie “A Deadly Adoption.” “What’s the big deal, I’ve been making films without laughs for years,” said Rob Schneider.

15. According to a new study, more than half of the children and teens in the U.S. may not be properly hydrated. “That’s why I always suggested taking a shower,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Friday, it was announced that Yoko Ono will erect Sky Landing, her first permanent public art installation in America, in a park in Chicago next year. No word on whether Chicago knows anything about it.

17. Last week, presidential hopeful Rand Paul said if anyone’s mean to his wife during his campaign, they’ll have to answer to him. “But just if they’re mean to her, right?” said Bill Clinton.

18. In a recent interview, Bill Clinton praised the field of GOP presidential candidates saying, “they’ve got a lot of youth, they’ve got a lot of energy … and they’re no dummies.” Adding, “And, also, there’s Ben Carson.”

19. A firearm accidentally discharged during a weekend wedding at the Waldorf Astoria in New York. Said the bride, “I knew we shouldn’t have invited Plaxico.”

20. Tug of war, sumo wrestling, surfing and frisbee are among 26 new sports petitioning to be included in the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo. Really Tokyo? Sumo wrestling? That’s like using the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta to introduce cousin fucking.

October 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. And, in related news, Rob Schneider has signed a deal to open an account with Netflix.

2. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. So now you don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own home to not watch the next Adam Sandler movie.

3. A new study suggests, people who work in offices with more plants tend to be happier. This according to “High Times” magazine.

4. Voter registration in Ferguson, Missouri, has jumped nearly 30 percent since August 9, when the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teen triggered riots. Said Ferguson residents, “We weren’t sure how serious they were, but didn’t want to take our chances with this whole ‘Vote or Die’ campaign.”

5. According to “People” magazine, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis welcomed a baby girl into the world Tuesday. The couple reportedly went the extra mile and got a theft proof cradle just in case Demi visits.

6. A dog that fell into a hot tar pit near a construction site in India was saved following a four hour rescue mission. The canine was covered head-to-toe in tar, or as it is known in the neighboring country of China, seasoning.

7. Up to 100 people may have come in contact with the Texas man who is the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with Ebola. So he probably shouldn’t have gone to that Astros game.

8. JP Morgan said Thursday that cybercriminals gathered information on more than 800 million account holders as part of a massive bank hack this summer. Said a representative for JP Morgan, “The whole incident is regretful, specifically regret that we didn’t get the chance to steal that money before the cybercriminals.”

9. On Thursday, the NFL announced that they will move the 2015 Draft from New York City, where it has been held for over 30 years, to Chicago. The Draft is expected to lead to a boom in Chicago’s economy, especially the city’s bail bonds men sector.

10. Lawyers for Prince William and his wife Kate have sent letters to photographers asking them to stop following their son, Prince George, and his nanny around public parks. Said Kim Kardashian, “There are photos in parks looking for pictures of famous babies!?! Quick, grab a stroller and whatever my kid’s name is, and let’s go!!!”

11. A student at a Florida high school was forced to remove his costume after he came to school spirit day dressed as a condom. “A what?” said school slut Becky.

12. Hammad Akbar, the creator of StealthGenie, a mobile app marketed as a tool for spying on cheating spouses and monitoring children, was arrested yesterday. Which isn’t all bad news for Akbar, because if he likes devices that keep tabs on people, he’s gonna love his new ankle bracelet.

13. The Federal Communications Commission indicted on Tuesday that it is considering imposing a punishment on broadcasters who use the word “Redskins” when announcing Washington football games. Look if you can figure out what Shannon Sharpe is saying, be my guest.

14. Troubled former teen star Amanda Bynes was arrested over the weekend on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of drugs in Los Angeles. Bynes reportedly failed the roadside sobriety test when she identified herself.

15. The Indonesian province of Aceh on Saturday approved an anti-homosexuality law that can punish anyone caught having gay sex with 100 lashes. But, as any paparazzo who has followed John Travolta around can attest, it’s really hard to catch someone having gay sex.

16. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” While Prince Charles wishes his life was more like the plot to “the Lion King.”

November 20, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding all ten contained cocaine residue. Everyone’s doing coke off their iPads now, get with the times Belgium.

2. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding a copy of S&M themed novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” tested positive for herpes. Begging the question, have I been doing this whole reading thing wrong this whole time?

3. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding a copy of S&M themed novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” tested positive for herpes. It’s all part of Belgium’s “Read to Conceive” campaign.

4. Yesterday, singer Kelly Clarkson announced via Twitter that she is pregnant with her first child. “I knew she looked pregnant,” said fans three years ago.

5. On Tuesday, Forbes Magazine named Madonna as the highest-paid musician of 2013. Proving, just like Michael Jackson, some singers make more money once they’re dead. What? Really? Well, she looks terrible.

6. Yesterday, Kanye West debuted his new music video showcasing his fiancée Kim Kardashian riding a motorcycle, semi-nude. Those who have seen it, say it is their second favorite video featuring Kim.

7. Starbucks failed to persuade a federal appeals court to stop a small, family-owned New Hampshire shop from selling coffee known as “Charbucks.” Experts say this ruling now opens up a legal avenue for Star Jones to release her sex tape entitled “Star F@©ks,”

8. MSNBC has suspended Alec Baldwin’s new talk show for two weeks after only three shows in response to the actor’s use of gay slurs. So if you had three shows in your “How Long Until Alec Baldwin Gets Suspended” office pool, you win.

9. The Hollywood film industry recognized Angelina Jolie on Saturday with a humanitarian award for her work with refugees and advocating for human rights throughout her career. Rob Schneider was also recognized for his humanitarian efforts for easing the pain in the world by agreeing to not make another movie.

10. On Friday, the editorial board of a Pennsylvania newspaper retracted a very old op-ed piece that panned President Abraham Lincoln’s iconic Gettysburg Address as “silly remarks.” The newspaper also apologized for their review of “Our American Cousin,” the play Lincoln attended two years later, which they called “a delight.”