April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

May 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Walmart banned a customer from shopping after she was caught on video hurling racial abuse at other customers at a store in Arkansas. But, it’s not all bad news for the woman, a Walmart in Alabama has hired her as a greeter.

2. A 25-year-old woman faces drug charges after police say she handed a detective a partially smoked “blunt” while getting out of a vehicle during a traffic stop. But, in her defense, she needed to get her license and registration and her other hand was busy holding her beer.

3. The service dog of a Virginia high school student got its own headshot in the yearbook. Which makes the fact that Mike Rositano was still voted “Most Likely to Lick Himself in Public” even more embarrassing.

4. According to reports, German Chancellor Angela Merkel showed President Trump a map of the old USSR as a warning about Vladimir Putin’s ambitions. Said Trump, “Does all that read mean they voted for me?”

5. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg returned on Thursday to Harvard University to urge its graduating class to help create a new social safety net to allow creative risk-taking. And then, once the students create it, Zuckerberg will steal it, not cut the students in and take full credit for it.

6. A man was arrested early Thursday morning after he backed a tractor-trailer through the front doors of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Because, as everyone knows, if you want to use the backdoor you have to negotiate that beforehand.

7. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so large as a defense mechanism against being eaten. Although, if they really wanted to avoid being eaten, they should have followed kale’s lead and evolved into tasting like shit.

8. According to a new study, the more pictures a couple posts of themselves on social media the less likely their relationship is to last. Especially if your wife finds the pictures.

9. Yesterday, Dr. Ben Carson said he thinks “poverty is a state of mind.” Pretty astonishing that the Director of Housing and Urban Development who is also a former brain surgeon somehow managed to craft a statement that is wrong about both housing and the brain.

10. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. Although, isn’t the real story that a 79-year-old guy named ‘Wilbur’ was actually awake at some point?

11. According to a new study, fathers are more responsive and attentive to their young daughters than they are with their sons. Sometimes, a little too attentive:

12. While in Saudi Arabia, a five-story image of President Trump’s face was projected onto the side of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Hey, don’t give him any ideas, right now he’s just putting his name on things over here.

13. A man and two women were arrested for having a threesome on a restaurant’s deck alongside the Mississippi River in broad daylight. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, a family reunion.

14. Page Six reported that, according to an anonymous source, actress Scarlet Johanson and Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost were seen making out Saturday night at the wrap party after SNL’s season finale. Although, I’m betting the anonymous source was Jost himself, because who’s more anonymous than Colin Jost?

15. Just hours after winning pole for the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday, driver Scott Dixon was robbed at gunpoint by two men while at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Dixon tried to drive away, but he kept making left turns and winding up at the same spot.

16. A Florida woman is accused of leaving her 1-year-old son in a drug den after she went there to purchase meth. But, in the woman’s defense, she didn’t have any money, really wanted that meth and the kid had a street value of $87.

17. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Weiner was reportedly whatever the opposite of ‘blinded-sided’ is.

18. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after he put an eel in his butt in an attempt to cure his constipation problems. It worked, it didn’t cure his constipation, but now he’s got bigger problems.

January 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Netflix announced that it is bringing back the makeover reality series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” You can hear all about it in Mike Pence’s nightmares.

2. Over the weekend, a truck driver spilt 38,000 pounds of marbles over an Indianapolis highway. “And now we wait,” said Wily E. Coyote.

3. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current office layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Begging the question, can we make sure the nuclear codes are always a flight of stairs away from him?

4. Kellyanne Conway, a counselor to President Trump, said she didn’t understand why millions of people around the world attended protests Saturday. Well, maybe this will clear it up for you:
trump-eats-farts

5. A 21-year-old Malaysian man had to call firefighters to assist him on Friday after he got his dick stuck in a water bottle he was using to pee into and then cut himself with a metal saw while trying to free himself. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to that water bottle?” asked Trump.

6. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said he would meet with President Donald Trump later this week to discuss Trump’s Supreme Court pick, and the he expects the nominee to be highly qualified and a real conservative. Or, in other words, the exact opposite of Trump himself.

7. The producer of “Hamilton” has been sued by a blind theatergoer who claimed that the Broadway musical violates federal law by failing to offer services to help blind and visually impaired people enjoy the show. If they think that’s bad, wait til they hear who was playing Hamilton.

8. Authorities in the United Arab Emirates have opened an investigation into a visit by Kim Kardashian to a Dubai government children’s charity this month and suggested it undermined local values. Said Kim, “Oh, so you’re familiar with my work.”

9. The romantic musical “La La Land” became the movie to beat at the Academy Awards after earning 14 nominations on Tuesday. “Still no,” said your boyfriend.

10. According to reports, Vice President Mike Pence calls his wife Karen, “mother.” But, you know, in that non-creepy, Norman Bates kind of way.

October 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Taco trucks in Houston are doubling as voter registration booths. So now you won’t know if it was the chimichunags or your options for president that gave you the indigestion.

2. According to a recent news report, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump may have violated U.S. law, by attempting to do business in Cuba. Said Trump, “I’ve never been to the Bay of Pigs and, by that, I mean Rosie O’Donnell’s swimming pool.”

3. Over the weekend, a man dressed like Rick James robbed a bank in Indianapolis. Or, more likely, a bank in Indy felt bad for the guy dressed like Rick James and just gave him some money.

4. Last week, adult film star Ron Jeremy banged into a pedestrian with his car in Beverly Hills. And, like the aftermath every time Jeremy bangs a person, the pedestrian wasn’t able to walk for days.

5. Traffic on pornography website PornHub was down 16% during last week’s presidential debate. But making the ‘yeah right’ jerk-off motion was up 200% while listening to the candidates talk.
 
6. According to reports, Brad Pitt will undergo alcohol tests as part of a temporary agreement with his estranged wife Angelina Jolie that will allow him to see their six children. Which is ridiculous, because, if I had six kids, the last thing I’d want to do is drink so much that I see double.

7. State officials say the smoking rate among kids in Kentucky has drastically declined. Which can only mean one thing, kids in Kentucky have figured out a way to do meth without smoking it.

8. An Iraqi housewife has gained attention for beheading and cooking the heads of multiple ISIS soldiers. Said a spokesman for ISIS, “So many mixed emotions. On the one hand she is killing us, but on the other, she is staying in the kitchen.”

9. An Australian-based artist has turned Disney princesses, like Ariel and Belle, into curvy, voluptuous figures. Said Frozo, “I like what I see”:
frozo

10. Last week, the gold-winning US women’s gymnastics team visited the White House. The last time that many young, flexible women where in the Oval Office, Bill had some serious explaining to do.

September 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen tweeted out a picture of a cloud that resembled the Republican presidential nominee claiming that it was a sign from God. And, I gotta admit, that’s pretty incredible, that, after years of working closely with Trump, Cohen still believes there’s a God.

2. On Wednesday, Apple announced that Pokemon Go players have traveled a combined distance of 4.6 billion kilometers and then revealed that the game will soon be playable on the Apple watch. And, considering the love life of most Pokemon Go users, putting the distance counter on their wrists will dramatically increase that total.

3. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Thursday said he was against the Iraq War all along despite telling radio host Howard Stern in 2002 that he favored it. So, now, even Donald Trump is calling Donald Trump a liar.

4. Actor Mel Gibson called the ‘Batman v. Superman’ movie “a piece of shit.” Suggesting a simple, quick fix to could have made it much better:
batman

5. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations. That reminds me of that old adage, if you don’t have something nice to say, we’ll execute you.

6. On Thursday, while talking about the war in Syria, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson made a political gaffe when he asked, “What’s Aleppo?” Said Donald Trump, “You idiot, it’s dog food.”

7. Yesterday, Playboy won a legal fight to stop a website from posting links to images published without their permission. So, now frequenters of that website will just have to find another way to see naked ladies on the internet.

8. The boyfriend of a 698 pound woman says he uses a funnel to feed to her in an effort to help her gain weight. Because, you know, it’s past Labor Day and bikini season’s over.

9. On Thursday, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton accused opponent Donald Trump of not taking the election seriously, saying, “It is a game to him, everything is a game.” Said Trump, “That’s simply not true, unless, of course you’re talking about my extremely successful Trump: The Game boardgame:
boardgame

10. A 60-year-old school janitor in the U.K. is engaged to a 18-year-old student. The student said it was a relief when she turned 18 and could finally come out of the janitor’s closet.

11. Parents in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese. More accurately, mothers in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese.

12. In an interview, Republican presidential Donald Trump said his opponent Hillary Clinton “doesn’t look presidential.” And he would know, no one is more presidential than him considering our founding fathers also had slaves, wore wigs and didn’t care about the black vote:
presidential

13. A briefcase containing $3 million in jewelry was stolen from rapper Drake’s tour bus. “I can relate,” said MC Hammer, “I live in my car, too.”

14. A Kansas man admitted to robbing a bank last week in order to go to jail to avoid his wife. Where, ironically, he became someone else’s wife.

15. 12-year-old Jeremy Shuler, an academic prodigy, is starting his freshman year at Cornell this fall. “Just a stab in the dark, but do they need a football coach over there?” said Jerry Sandusky.
 
16. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that America is like “the big bully that keeps getting beat up.” Which explains Trump’s new campaign slogan: Trump 2016 – Stop Hitting Yourself!
 
17. Last week, Latinos for Trump founder Marco Gutierrez said if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency “there will be taco trucks on every corner.” And, after all the indignities, it’s crazy to think, that was the thing that made Chris Christie switch his vote.

18. On Friday, an education official in the Philippines said that starting next year the country will begin testing all incoming college freshmen for drugs. “Well, we had a good run,” said liberal arts schools.

19. Last week, a woman in the U.K. broke the silence during a sombre courtroom proceeding by farting very loudly. The incident was tough on everyone in the courtroom, especially the stenographer.

20. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said he will release his tax returns this week. “Yeah, those are from both of us,” said Trump.

May 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. 107-year-old Virginia McLaurin, who got invited to the White House last year, attended her first Major League Baseball game last week. They made sure to buy her some crackerjacks because they’re pretty sure she’s never coming back.

2. According to Cosmopolitan, bickering about chores is more harmful to a couple than cheating. “Those are kinda one-in-the-same when you’re fucking the maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. On Sunday, Alexander Rossi won the 100th running of the Indy 500. Although, I’m not sure you can call anyone who drives 500 miles only to wind up in Indianapolis a winner

4. A new study found that women with deeper voices are more persuasive. And they may have point, because Bruce asked to be called Caitlyn and we all just agreed.

5. A Minnesota funeral home as added a bar to liven up funerals. And, as a funeral home, allowing mourners to drive home after a few cocktails is good for business.

6. An ad for a Chinese laundry detergent in which a black man is washed into an Asian man is being derided as racist. Even worse, the detergent is called ‘apar-Tide.’

7. Last week, a 58-year-old man in South Carolina applied for a bank loan so he could purchase more meth. He put down “willing to suck your dick” as collateral.

8. After allegations of domestic abuse, a judge has granted actress Amber Heard a temporary restraining order against former husband Johnny Depp. For the sake of the movie industry, do you think the judge would order Depp to stay away from Tim Burton, too?

9. On Sunday, the Libertarian party nominated former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson as their presidential nominee. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, it’s also probably the last.

10. Israel’s first transgender beauty pageant was won by a Taleen Abu Hanna, a Christian Arab, on Friday. Abu Hanna was given a crown while the pageant host sang “There she is, Miss Trans Israel,” which will be the only time she hears those words not immediately followed by “let’s get her!”

March 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

2. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

3. A Florida jury on Friday awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million after finding the Gawker website violated his privacy by publishing a sex tape of the wrestler. The jury also awarded itself $50 million for emotional damage resulting from having to watch the tape as evidence.

4. Toby, a two-nosed dog from California, was adopted last week from the animal shelter that was ready to put him down. Thus allowing Toby to continue his lifelong goal of finding a dog with two asses.

5. On Friday, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they will build a Peyton Manning statue outside of their stadium. The statue will be accurate down to the very last detail, including Manning’s height, shoe size and forty-yard dash time.

6. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

7. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

8. A daughter of an Illinois state representative has been charged with participating in an attack on one of her mother’s political rivals that included using a staple gun on the victim’s forehead. The last time staples were used on a politician, Chris Christie underwent elective surgery.

9. On Friday, employees at a convenience store in Canada called local police after finding approximately $600,000 worth of heroin left on the shelves of their store. Which explains why a known drug smuggler was caught coming across the Canadian border with $100 worth of beef jerky up his butt.

10. A Bronx middle school teacher has been fined $300 after showing her students an ISIS decapitation video in class. But, in the teacher’s defense. those kids were really well-behaved the rest of that day.

September 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. While in D.C. for a meeting with President Obama, King Salman of Saudi Arabia reportedly rented out the entire Four Seasons hotel. And yet, somehow, his room was still next to the ice machine.

2. On Friday, Tom Brady’s father called into a San Francisco radio station to call NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell a liar. While Tim Tebow’s father called in because that’s where his son works now.

3. A 3-month-old tiger cub was found roaming the streets of a California neighborhood on Friday. And so begins Siegfried’s latest letter to Penthouse.

4. Tickets to attend Pope Francis’ appearance this month in Philadelphia are on sale for four-times their face value on eBay. Dishing out that kind of money for a ticket won’t leave Philly fans much cash to spend on batteries to whip at the Pope.

5. Arby’s restaurants in two counties in Florida are offering free meals to all police officers. So it looks like this jersey will come in handy again.Christie

6. Over the weekend, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared Kim Davis’ refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples to conscientious objections to slavery. Which is rather progressive for Huckabee since just last year he was still on the fence about slavery.

7. In an interview with CNN, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin said immigrants to this country should learn how to “speak American.” “God damn is she dumb,” said Trig.

8. On Friday, singer Aretha Franklin won a court order blocking the Telluride Film Festival from screening “Amazing Grace,” a film based predominantly on footage of her in concert. So it looks like the festival’s investment in an extra-wide IMAX screen was all for naught.

9. On Monday, at a rally in Pittsburgh, Vice President Joe Biden jogged back and forth across a downtown street to greet people accompanied by a chant of “Run Joe Run.” But that’s only because they forgot to close off the street to traffic.

10. The Indianapolis Zoo went on lock-down Sunday morning after a cheetah escaped from its enclosure. Luckily, there was a group of dentists from Minnesota visiting the park that day.