Tag Archives: Mueller Report

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.