January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

August 10, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her upcoming ‘tell-all’ book, former presidential aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims that while working in the White House President Trump showed signs of mental decline. The number one sign of Trump’s mental decline, hiring Omarosa Manigault Newman to work in the White House.

2. A 12-year-old Chinese girl who went missing from a tour group at an airport outside Washington D.C., sparking an investigation into a possible kidnapping, was located Friday in the New York City. Although, she’s not out of the woods yet:

3. ‘The New York Times’ recently published an article claiming that face tattoos are becoming more mainstream. Yeah, I’d say so:

4. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. Marking the first time anyone has every gone into a McDonald’s and come out with a smaller stomach and weighing less.

5. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. That’s very hard to believe, I’ve been to my share of McDonald’s and there’s no way anyone was cleaning any of those.

6. According to ‘Axios,’ President Trump is always on the phone during his working vacations at his golf club in New Jersey and his staff often has no idea who he’s talking to. Although it’s usually Grover or Big Bird:

7. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. It’s a significantly better use of the man’s horses than his previous business venture, Amish Tinder:

8. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. And no matter the length of your trip, the estimated arrival time is always 1874.

9. Paul Manafort’s longtime deputy Rick Gates admitted in court Tuesday to having an extramarital affair a decade ago. Even crazier, he was just answering the question “Do you promise to tell the whole truth?”

10. Tuesday, August 7th, was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s birthday. And some people were so excited about it that they couldn’t want until Tuesday to give him a present:

11. First Lady Melania Trump is looking for volunteers to help decorate the White House for Christmas. In fact Melania is looking for volunteers for a lot of positions including decorator, assistant, and First Lady.

12. Richard Jarecki, a doctor by profession, who became famous by finding slight biases in roulette wheels to earn millions, died on Wednesday at the age of 86. “Always bet on black,” said this guy:

13. On Sunday, rapper the Game got into a fist-fight with his one teammate during a California rec league basketball game. “Wait, I didn’t know that was an option,” said LeBron:

14. President Trump’s administration on Thursday announced an ambitious plan to usher in the “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the military by 2020. Trump said the Space Force’s first mission will be to find that planet from Star Trek where the women have three breasts.

15. This week, car-maker Ford made it’s millionth Ford Mustang. That story again, 40-year-old men continue to have mid-life crises.

16. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen revealed that he has worked out with Kanye West on multiple occasions. That very weird and hard-to-believe story again, Seth Rogen has worked out.

17. President Trump’s in-laws are officially United States citizens, obtaining their citizenship through the sponsorship of their adult daughter, one of the very categories of family visas that the administration has sought to end. Said the Trump administration, “Okay, starting now.”

18. On Thursday, while cycling in Colorado, Lance Armstrong crashed his bike and was forced to go to the hospital. Oh no, is the bike okay?

19. China has banned screenings of Disney’s “Christopher Robin,” a movie featuring Winnie the Pooh. So if the children of China want to see Winnie the Pooh, they’ll just have to keep making those dolls:

20. According to a new study, handing kids plates with pictures of fruits and vegetables may nudge them to serve themselves and eat more of these foods. That story again, kids are stupid.

21. President Trump acknowledged on Sunday that his son met with Russians in 2016 at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. Although Trump was unable to remember specific details, like his son’s the name.

22. Over the weekend, Russia appointed actor Steven Seagal as a “special representative” on US-Russian humanitarian ties. And there’s nothing more humanitarian that Russia can do than taking Seagal off our hands.

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

March 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson ripped Colin Kaepernick’s “bad choice of attacking the flag.” And by that I assume Simpson means Kaepernick should have attacked the flag and a waiter.

2. Over the weekend, 100-year-old Orville Rogers set a world record for the fastest 60 meters race for a man over 100. He also set the record for ‘Youngest Orville.’

3. Denmark said Thursday it will build a 43.5 mile fence on its German border to keep out wild boars that carry a deadly infection. And, President Trump is such a bad negotiator, America is somehow paying for it.

4. Mall staple Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy. “Look, I did my part,” said this guy:

5. According to reports, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James once gained seven pounds during a playoff game. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” said New York Knicks players, “what are these playoffs you speak of?”

6. A new poll found that a majority of Americans believe that the government is spying on them. Said Ivanka, “Especially when I taking a shower”:

7. Buffalo Bills wide receiver Zay Jones was arrested Monday night after he got into a fight with his brother, Cayleb, while naked. How embarrassing to be publicly identified as a Buffalo Bill.

8. This week, the last male northern white rhino died in Kenya leaving just two female members of the species. Said one female rhino to the other, “I guess we should learn how to play softball.”

9. According to reports, former top Trump aide Steve Bannon oversaw the controversial and possibly illegal collection of Facebook data by research company Cambridge Analytica. Which explains why the data was covered in the mustard stains and puss.

10. According to a polygraph report from 2011, Stormy Daniels was “truthful about having unprotected vaginal intercourse with Donald Trump in July 2006.” And I honestly can’t think of anything more irresponsible than having unprotected sex AFTER having Eric and Don Jr:

11. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day in 2011. Which means O’Day did the previously unthinkable, she made appearing on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ the second most embarrassing Trump-related thing on her resume.

12. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr.’s wife Vanessa found out about her husband’s affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day by going thought his phone while he was in the shower. “That doesn’t happen if you make them watch you take a shower,” said Harvey Weinstein.

13. This week, President Trump said he will get together with Russian President Vladimir Putin “in the not-too-distant future” to “discuss the arms race.” Presumably because he’s already lost the hands race:

14. On Wednesday, South Korean President Moon raised the possibility of three-way talks between North Korea, South Korea and the U.S. Said Trump, “I have the perfect U.S. representative for a three-way”:

15. On Thursday, The New York Giants traded defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, who lost a few fingers in a fireworks explosion, to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Pierre-Paul was so excited about the deal he gave it half a thumb up, which is his highest rating.

16. It was announced this week that actor Shia LeBouef will play his own father in a movie about him. It’s all part of LeBouef goal to make the most unwatchable movie ever.

17. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly assured aides to President Trump on Friday that no immediate personnel changes were in the works. “Define ‘immediate,’” said Bob Mueller.

18. Taco Bell is now selling a Strawberry Skittles Freeze slushie drink, made with real Skittles. It’s perfect for anyone who loves Skittles but always thought chewing was too much exercise.

November 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, President Trump said, despite what is widely reported, he doesn’t watch much TV because he’s too busy “reading documents.” And, to Trump’s credit, he’s almost found Waldo:

2. Last week, O.J. Simpson was thrown out of a hotel bar in Las Vegas for being too drunk and throwing a pair of glasses. “Ah, fuck,” said the waiter picked to return O.J.’s glasses to him.

3. According to reports, Mike Pence has formed a Vice President’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, who Pence routinely calls for advice. The first rule of Vice President’s club, don’t tell Al Gore about Vice President’s club.

4. On Wednesday, while speaking about embattled Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused of pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, Ivanka Trump said, “There’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” Yeah, that place is called Alabama.

5. According to a new study, sex rarely causes heart attacks. But, it can cause PTSD:

6. On Monday, Amazon announced a ‘Lord of the Rings’ TV show. Which producers promise will address the problems diehard fans had with the movies, specifically, the Eye of Sauron will remain a metaohor, Fatty Bolger will play a bigger role and they won’t have to leave their parent’s basement to see it.

7. On Monday, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said he “does not follow” President Trump’s tweets. Hey, John, none of us can follow Trump’s tweets:

8. Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees can change how they communicated based on what their audience knows. Said one exhausted chimp, “Okay, let’s start over again. There are three branches in the federal government”:

9. Paralympic athlete and U.S. military veteran Rob Jones, who lost both his legs while serving in Afghanistan, is running 31 marathons in 31 days. Meanwhile, I stood up from my sofa too fast and got winded.

10. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Tuesday he “has no reason to doubt” the five women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Which can only mean one thing, none of those five women are black.

11. The Republican National Committee is withdrawing support for Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore after allegations surfaced that he had sexual contact with teenage girls decades ago. Said the RNC, “Hey, we were as surprised as you were to find out that we have standards.”

12. Sprint announced this week that they will offer their unlimited data plan customers free subscriptions to the streaming service Hulu. Not to be outdone, Blackberry will offer their customers their cousin Bill’s roommate’s Netflix password.

13. While in town to play the Knicks, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were seen taking the New York City subway. That story again, the Cavs were subjected to the absolute worst experience that New York City has to offer, and then they took the subway.

14. This week, a dangerous psychiatric patient, who was accused of murder, escaped from a Hawaii hospital, cleared airport security and flew all the way to California before being caught. No word on whether he felt the urge to murder his fellow man before or after taking a six hour Southwest flight.

15. The Alabama Republican Party said on Thursday it supported embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore despite allegations of sexual misconduct. Their exact words were, “He’s still a white man, right?”

16. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been informed by other NFL owners via letter that he is engaging in “conduct detrimental to the league’s best interests.” A letter that they have also sent every week for the past nine years to the owner of the Browns.

17. According to reports, President Trump told a group of Democratic senators Tuesday that he’d be a “big loser” if the Republican tex bill was signed into law. And, also, if it wasn’t.

June 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau claimed that President Trump “actually does listen.” The key, he said, sock puppets:

2. For the fourth time in a row a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. So better luck next year to runner-up Jeb Bush.

3. According to a new book, former President Obama dumped his college girlfriend because she was white and he believed he needed to ‘fully identify as African American’ to become president. Coincidentally, Bill Clinton also dumped his college girlfriend, but that happened last week and only after he met a hotter freshman.

4. A Utah man had an image of LeBron James’s crying face tattooed on his leg. The hardest part was explaining to a tattoo artist in Utah what a black guy looks like.

5. According to a new survey, only 36% of kids between the ages of 16 and 19 have summer jobs. But that’s because Jared Kushner has taken all of them:

6. British opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn got a rock star reception at Glastonbury Festival on Saturday, telling millions of young people who voted for him would not be silenced. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders was seen high on peyote at Burning Man:

7. Saturday night, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married and many of his colleagues were in attendance including President Trump and Vice President Pence. The ceremony was nice, although there was an awkward moment when Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos tried to shoot the ringer BEARer.

8. According to research, African Americans who experience everyday discrimination may have trouble getting to sleep. “We’d be happy to show them something we call ‘the sleeper hold,’” said the police.

9. Hundreds of well-dressed women marched in central Pyongyang, North Korea on Thursday vowing to seek revenge on the United States. To see that many well-dressed women united in an effort of revenge you’d have to go all the way to the Bill Cosby trial.

10. An article published in a North Korean state newspaper called President Trump a “psychopath.” Which is a sign of progress in talks between the two nations because every negotiation needs to start from a point of agreement.

June 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. But, since Putin already got him the election, he just sent a card.

2. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That story again, Donald Trump was born 71 years ago today just in case there are any time travelers out there who were wondering.

3. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. “Getting closer,” said Melania:

4. According to reports, Russian hackers infiltrated voter databases in 39 states during the 2016 presidential election. Which means, in the run up to the election, even the Russians visited more states than Hillary.

5. A self-proclaimed psychic tricked a 23-year-old grad student into paying her $2,500 to lift a curse from her family. But, in the student’s defense, $2,500 to get rid of Eric is a pretty sweet deal:

6. On Tuesday, the Clemson Tigers visited the White House four months after winning the college football championship. I’m not sure why it took four months for them to visit the White House, but, if history is any guide, I’d guess because they’re married to the president:

7. Despite losing, LeBron James became the first player in NBA history to average a triple-double in the Finals. Not to be outdone, his teammates somehow managed to become the first player to average negative points.

8. Despite saying privacy was important to them, 98% of college students polled gladly gave up their friend’s contact information in exchange for free pizza. So, hey friends, get ready for some creepy late night texts:

9. Vietnam vet James McCloughan will be the first person awarded the Medal of Honor by President Trump. Unless of course Trump’s bone spurs act up again.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin made an appearance Monday at the opening of the controversial staging of ‘Julius Caesar’ at New York’s Shakespeare in the Park. Not to be outdone, brother Stephen Baldwin made an appearance at the opening of an Orange Julius in Reseda.

June 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Kellyanne Conway, a top adviser to President Trump, was overhead mocking fellow White House staffers at D.C. party. But I don’t believe that, because if Conway was in attendance there’s no way it was a party.

2. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. But, I assume, that’s because the food don’t stay in your body long enough to do any real damage.

3. President Trump reportedly told British Prime Minister Theresa May that he wants to postpone his state visit to the U.K. if large-scale protests disrupt his trip. “I completely understand,” said May:

4. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ while visiting his golf club in New Jersey this past weekend, President Trump had several 1-on-1 conversations with Governor Chris Christie. Or, to me more accurate, several 1 1/2-on-1 3/4 conversations.

5. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke said on Monday he has recommended that President Trump reduce the size of the Bears Ears National Monument in Utah. Because there’s no better way to discredit former-President Obama presidency than to go after a national park named after ears:

6. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Although, I’m not sure it works that way. You can’t just unilaterally decide to join a better situation, unless, of course, you’re Kevin Durant.

7. According to a new study, enduring unkind co-workers and bosses can have a negative effect on your health. Don’t believe me? This is what Sean Spicer looked like a year ago:

8. A person paid $133,000 for two floor seats to last night’s Game 5 of the NBA Finals to witness the Golden State Warriors win their second title in three years. And, if I’m that fan I’m pissed, because LeBron’s teammates got to sit court-side and be spectators for free.

9. According to reports, Russian state actors are posing as attractive young women on Facebook to friend American service members and gather intel. The Russians reportedly got the idea from the Slovenians:

10. Over the weekend, drag-queen Michelle Visage emceed a charity fundraiser in place of actress Sharon Stone, who suddenly feel ill. Guests figured out it wasn’t Stone when Visage crossed and uncrossed her legs.

February 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night the New England Patriots took on the Atlanta Falcons in Superbowl 51. And, somehow, the winner was still ‘La La Land.’

2. Sunday night, the Atlanta Falcons blew a 25-point lead to lose Superbowl 51. It was such a big collapse that experts are sure that James Comey was somehow involved.

3. Nissan is recalling more than 341,000 Altimas because the doors might open if a rear window is lowered. Although, if you think about it, do you really need a reason to recall Altimas?

4. A man who went on a Tinder date ended up alone nude and robbed at an Oregon motel after the woman took his clothing, wallet and cellphone. Even worse, she didn’t look anything like her pictures.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are increasingly less open to the possibility of their children marrying someone from the opposite political party. But I defy even the stanchest liberal woman to try to turn down the pure sex appeal that is Mitch McConnell:
mcconnell

6. After a two week Caribbean vacation, Barack Obama is back in Washington D.C. Or, as Trump sees it, the Muslim travel ban is not working.

7. The Mexican government reported on Friday that homicides in its country had risen by 22% in 2016. So, I guess they aren’t sending ALL of their murderers here.

8. Saturday night, LeBron James became the youngest player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in a career. Although, not according to his hairline.

9. In recent days, a rash of Ku Klux Klan fliers have been showing up on lawns in Maine. Which is weird because I always figured KKK members looked at Maine and thought, “Mission accomplished.”

10. “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” star Sugar Bear confirmed last week that he wed girlfriend Jennifer Lamb in a secret Georgia backyard ceremony. So congratulations to the happy couple on their marriage and, I assume, their pregnancy.