April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

June 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau marched in a gay pride parade while wearing socks commemorating the holy month of Ramadan. Thus combining three things Trump dislikes, supporting the LGBTQ community, honoring Muslims and walking.

2. A judge in Spain has ordered the exhumation of painter Salvador Dali’s body to settle a paternity suit. So, just to be safe, maybe we shouldn’t bury Kevin Federline once he dies.

3. A woman was taped feeding her pet raccoon on a New York City subway last week. “Are you crazy lady, I could have caught something,” said the raccoon looking around the 6-train.

4. Saturday night, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married and Vice President Mike Pence officiated the wedding. Pence did such a good job that President Trump said he is considering using Pence for his next nuptials.

5. A female UFC fighter lost control of her bowels during a recent match. Sounds like someone should have put a rear chokehold on herself.

6. A man has set a new world record for farthest distance walked while balancing a power lawnmower on his chin. That story again, David Letterman inadvertently set a world record while shaving:

7. Actor Charlie Sheen is auctioning off Babe Ruth’s 1927 World Series ring. The ring comes with a letter of authenticity and a large bottle of Purell.

8. In a recent interview, President Trump said it is “very bothersome” that special counsel Robert Mueller is good friends with ousted FBI Director James Comey. You sure you want to go down this road, Mr. President?:

9. Actor Alec Baldwin said that he will be bringing back his Donald Trump impersonation to “Saturday Night Live” this fall. But, just to be safe, he’s also been working on a Pence.

10. ‘Food & Wine’ magazine announced that it will move its headquarters from New York to Alabama. So finally we’ll learn whether a red or white goes best with roadkill possum.

June 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pablo Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana Widmaier-Picasso, is starting her own jewelry line. All earnings will come one to a set.

2. You will soon be able to rent President Trump’s childhood home in Queens for $4,000 a month. Or, if you’re willing to spend a lot more, you can rent Barron’s childhood home, just make the check out to Vlad:

3. On Thursday, the Justice Department issued a complaint alleging that stolen money was used to finance and produce the movie ‘Dumb and Dumber To.’ “I know that feeling of having your money stolen,” said people who saw “‘Dumb and Dumber To.’

4. An off-the-record speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in which he mocked President Trump was broadcast on TV. Australia should be careful because Trump angers easily and Austria should be careful because he’s not that bright.

5. The White House has eliminated nearly 60 requirements for agencies to submit paperwork in a bid to make the federal government operate more efficiently. Because if there’s one thing President Trump believes in, it’s not submitting paperwork:

6. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered former-FBI Director James Comey asylum if an investigation is launched against him. “I’ll give you a list of great restaurants in Moscow,” said Michael Flynn.

7. A San Francisco woman found a bullet in a recently purchased avocado. Along with either a death threat or a recipe:

8. According to reports, the 2017 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors unanimously voted to skip the traditional celebratory trip to the White House. Although, just because you lose a vote to go to the White House doesn’t mean you won’t end up there anyway:

9. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s more pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. So, when he says he’s ‘polishing his knob,’ it may not be a euphemism.

10. KFC announced plans to send a chicken sandwich to the edge of space with a high-altitude balloon. “And so the chase begins,” said Chris Christie:

11. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. “I was just ahead of my time,” said the doctor who’s been prescribing Chalupas for years:

12. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Said Trump, “Sorry, Russia already called dibs on it.”

13. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told reporters on Friday that former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton encouraged him to take a job in the Trump White House. Specifically, the job of president.

14. The White House said on Friday that President Trump will visit Poland ahead of next month’s G20 summit in Germany. Said Poland, “Trump’s visit will be the most unwanted visit from any foreign leader in our country’s history”:

15. A hospital in Mississippi allowed a 12-year-old girl to help doctors deliver her newborn baby brother. Which, considering it’s Mississippi, was a nice glimpse into the 12-year-old’s not-too-distant future.

16. A Michigan man apparently upset because his food included onions, is now in jail after he allegedly threatened to kill the restaurant owner before exposing himself. Or, maybe, he was just providing the restauranteur a visual example of how to ‘hold the onions.’

17. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 150 pounds of meth Sunday, found hidden inside boxes of popcorn. Which makes sense, because you can’t get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth when you don’t have any teeth.

18. In a new interview, actress Lena Dunham revealed that her dad taught her how to use a tampon when she was fourteen. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, date night.

19. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. He is survived by one slice of sausage, three slices of plain and a full, untouched veggie pizza.

20. A Brooklyn man allegedly prowled a Manhattan bar for drunk college students and then took them back to his apartment, where he forced them to smoke crack before robbing them. “God, I miss college,” said Charlie Sheen.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.


23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

April 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Washington woman born with two vaginas is now pregnant. And I’m guessing her OBGYN is Monty Hall:

2. According to a new poll, a record 61% of Americans support legalizing marijuana. The number is so high because pollsters counted “Wait, what was the question again?” as a “Yes.”

3. A London bar has developed a whiskey cocktail that comes with a virtual reality headset that magically transports the drinker to the distillery where the spirit is made. Which is a nice change of pace, because when I drink whiskey I’m usually magically transported to the window outside my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

4. “CBS This Morning” co-host Gayle King was reportedly onboard the yacht in Tahiti with the Obamas, Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. Although, NBC’s Brian Williams claims he was there too.

5. Under a new law, undercover police officers in Michigan will no longer be able to have sex with the prostitutes they’re investigating. Sounds like a lot of them are gonna have to go back to being ‘beat’ cops.

6. According to a new study, most 15-year-olds report being happy with their lives. So get to work, bullies.

7. A woman in Washington was arrested over the weekend after police found 42 cats in her car. And, since it was a Hyundai, it actually upped the resale value.

8. According to reports, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are ‘furious’ over the details contained in Caitlyn Jenner’s upcoming tell-all book. Or, more accurately, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are furious that they’re gonna have to read a book.

9. Scientists have developed a dryer that dries clothes five times faster than a normal dryer. Which means Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna have less time to make a move on his maid.

10. On Saturday, a woman Canada attacked a sex shop clerk saying she had HIV before lunging at him with needle and stealing vibrators. Or, as Charlie Sheen refers to it, foreplay.

March 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, the tooth fairy left a record $290 million dollars under pillows last year. No one has spent that much money in bed since Charlie Sheen.

2. During a recent interview, Oprah said she is thinking about running for president in 2020. And she does have a lot of things in common with our current president, for instance, they both hosted popular tv shows, they both have never held government office and they both get annoyed when black people stay in their places rent free:
stedman

3. For the first time in its 130-year history, the Harvard Law Review elected a black woman as president. They broke the news to Attorney General Jeff Session by saying, “Harvard has elected a woman as president of Law Review, and it get’s worse.”

4. Scientists have discovered a way to grow human tissue on apples. Although the process isn’t pretty:
american-pie

5. A group of Parisians, uninspired by the French presidential candidates, have collected over 43,000 signatures calling for Barack Obama to run. Said Barack, “I know I have that French birth certificate lying around here somewhere.”

6. The NFL plans to put microchips in all footballs starting next year. And, in unrelated news, the Patriots have announced the hiring of a new ball boy:
hackers

7. President Trump on Tuesday reaffirmed support for the United State’s longstanding security alliances around the world but insisted their allies must “pay their fair share of the costs.” That story again, a man who hasn’t paid taxes in 20 years is whining about others not paying their fair share.

8. Researchers at the University of Alberta released a new study detailing the urine levels in swimming pools. Experts called the report “eye-opening,” while President Trump called it “mouth-opening.”

9. A Florida man is accused of stealing the identity of the drummer of the rock band Nickelback and using it to purchase $25,000 in music equipment. Authorities became suspicious when the man openly and proudly admitted to being a member of Nickelback.

10. A man in Maine is claiming that he saw an image of Jesus on a piece of buttered toast. So, yeah, Maine is exactly as exciting as you always thought it was.

January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A court ruled that a South Korean temple can keep a Buddha statue stolen from Japan in 2012, on the grounds that Japanese pirates had stolen it from Korea centuries earlier. So, whatever you, don’t tell the Native Americans about this ruling.

2. Seven environmental activists who work for Greenpeace climbed a 300-foot crane in view of the White House and unfurled a banner with the word “RESIST.” And I am 100% on board, not because I agree with their actions, but because it means, at least for a brief period of time, there were seven less people on the sidewalk asking me if I “had a moment to talk about Greenpeace.”

3. An 80-year-old, elderly spiritual healer named Hava Celebic from Bosnia and Herzegovina, cures blindness by licking patients’ eyeballs. Afterwards, the patients can’t see, but the trick is they no longer want to.

4. An 80-year-old, elderly spiritual healer named Hava Celebic from Bosnia and Herzegovina, cures blindness by licking patients’ eyeballs. And, just like that, Republicans have a replacement for Obamacare.

5. A Virginia mother said a teacher at her son’s middle school asked African-American students to pretend to be slaves during a history lesson. Even worse, the history lesson was about World War II.

6. A Virginia mother said a teacher at her son’s middle school asked African-American students to pretend to be slaves during a history lesson. Although, I’m not sure what washing the teacher’s car had to do with history.

7. On Thursday, scientists moved the symbolic Doomsday Clock closer to midnight. And you can tell it’s really close to midnight because the carriage has already turned back into a pumpkin:
trump-tan

8. Yesterday, the Seattle Seahawks announced that assistant head coach Rocky Seto is leaving the team to enter the ministry. “What’s it like to still believe in God?” asked Browns fans.

9. President Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants brought to the United States as children, known as “dreamers,” should not be worried about deportation. Because it’s easier to catch them and throw them in the van if they’re not worried about it.

10. President Donald Trump could pay for a wall on the southern border with a new 20 percent tax on goods from Mexico, the White House said on Thursday. Which means, in the future, you’ll have to take out a second mortgage if you want guac at Chipotle.

11. Madonna denied on Wednesday that she was in Malawi to adopt two more children, saying her visit was strictly for her charity work in the African nation. Said Madonna, “Why? Was there a sale?”

12. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering writing another book. Although, from the looks of it, she may have writer’s block:
shining

13. A man in Mexico claims he has an 18-inch penis. Although, I’m pretty skeptical considering he just hired Sean Spicer as his spokesman.

14. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Which explains why Melania always insists on the top bunk.

15. Scientists have discovered a group of 170 kids in Africa that they believe can’t get AIDs. “I’m always up for a challenge,” said Charlie Sheen.

16. According to reports, President Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer chews and swallows 35 pieces of gum every day before noon. He does it to ensure that how he feels on the inside matches how he looks on the outside, disgusting.

17. Last week, an underwater cyclist set a new world record by traveling more than 2,800 feet on a stationary bike in one breath. The record set was the most times someone said “Why are we doing this again?”

18. A mother in West Virginia to suing to stop Bible classes from being taught in public schools statewide. That surprising story again, West Virginia schools have books.

19. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. And, I assume, a waterproof mattress to the Lincoln bedroom.

20. A California man had his two cars crushed by falling trees in two different cities on the same day. “You got off easy,” said Sonny Bono.

January 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, sitting for more than 10 hours a day ages your body by eight years. And, in a related story, it turns out Stephen Hawking is only 25.

2. According to “The New York Post,” the Clintons are already planning their political comeback. “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” said James Comey.

3. Donald Trump took his first executive action as president on Monday morning, pulling the U.S. out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Because as Trump knows, not pulling out when you have the chance can lead to regrets:
Trump family attends ground breaking of new hotel in Washington

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it expected to agree upon a date for the first phone call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump very soon. But, until then, they’ll just have to settle for continuing to exchange dick pics.

5. President Donald Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer promised reporters on Monday that he would never intentionally lie to the press core. That story again, Donald Trump is in the market for a new press secretary.

6. Attendees at last week’s Sundance Film Festival were able to use augmented reality headsets to pretend they were in a room with “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm. “No headset required, I’ve been doing that for years,” said your wife.

7. President Trump is declaring the day of his inauguration a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Presumably because “Black Friday” was already taken.

8. The White House said on Monday it plans to establish four “Skype seats” for its regular media briefings to allow news organizations outside of Washington to participate. And, I have to admit, it was kinda weird that they made that announcement in Russian.

9. According to a new study, half of U.S. men are infected with HPV. “Just add it to the list,” said Charlie Sheen.

10. A German company has launched a line of anti-sexual assault women’s underwear called ‘Safe Shorts’ that feature a combination lock and a loud alarm system. “One step ahead of you,” said Cosby: mission-impossible

October 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Vanilla Ice’s wife filed for divorce after nearly twenty years of marriage. Begging the question, what’s half of nothing?
 
2. During Thursday night’s Al Smith Dinner in New York, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump compared himself to Jesus, saying he too started out as a carpenter for his father. And, with any luck, the stories will end the same way too.

3. According to a new poll, parents would rather talk to their kids about sex than money. “Luckily, that’s just one conversation for me,” said Charlie Sheen.

4. The New Jersey Senate voted unanimously on Thursday to approve a bill requiring that the state’s student loan agency forgive the debts of borrowers who die. “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Patterson, this is Edna from Rutgers’ student loan office. I have good news and bad news.”

5. A Tennessee man, banned from City Hall due to a restraining order, is running for mayor. “That’s it! If I become principal they’ll have to let me within 200 feet of a school,” said Jerry Sandusky.

6. Over the weekend, police determined an envelope of white powder sent to Hillary Clinton’s New York headquarters was not harmful. As opposed to the white power that consistently appears at Trump rallies.

7. On Friday, a singer knelt while performing the national anthem ahead of a Miami Heat preseason basketball game. “I wasn’t kneeling!” said Bruno Mars.

8. A Georgia teen who suffered a serious blow to the head during a soccer game, awoke from a coma speaking only Spanish. But, on the plus side, now that your kid refers to soccer as ‘futbol,’ you can pretend he plays a real sport.

9. Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Sunday the harsh exchanges in the presidential debates pointed to a lack of morality in America. Specifically, the part where they let a woman speak her mind part.

10. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted that the Republican candidate is behind in the polls but added that’s only because Hillary “has some advantages.” Mainly, that her opponent keeps talking.