January 19, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump said the DACA immigration program is “most likely dead.” But, just to be sure, Paul Ryan wants to take away its healthcare.

2. White House physician Ronnie Jackson said President Trump is in good shape and credited that to genetics, saying “It’s just the way God made him.” That incredible story again, a man who saw Donald Trump naked, still believes that there is a God.

3. On Wednesday, Eric Trump defended his dad against allegations that he’s a racist, saying, “My father sees one color, green.” Which explains the President’s new immigration policy:

4. NBC said on Thursday it expects to set ad sales records for this year’s Super Bowl. “We’ll see about that,” said the Jacksonville Jaguars.

5. This week, a Frenchman who drank excessive amounts of alcohol and then drove 17 times round a roundabout said he had not heard the sirens when police finally brought him to a halt. Or, as a drunk driving in circles is called stateside, NASCAR.

6. Yesterday, White House doctor Ronnie Jackson delivered the results of Donald Trump’s physical examination. Doctor Jackson said, in his medical opinion, President Trump is generally in good shape, could stand to lose a few pounds and is undoubted the least racist person he has ever examined.

7. President Trump defended himself Sunday night after several days of controversy over his remarks about African countries, telling reporters, “I am not a racist.” Which I find hard to believe, because if the majority of your exposure to the African-American community is through Omarosa, how could you not be?

8. This week, Minnie Mouse received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In response, still-star-less Goofy sad something that rhymed with “Aw shucks!”

9. A new biography of French first lady Brigitte Macron claims her husband penned a racy novel inspired by their early romance, when he was still a teenager and she his married drama teacher. Thus combining two things Donald Trump hates, men with older women and reading.

10. T Children and teens who spend a lot of time with their grandparents may be less likely than peers who don’t to have negative and stereotypical ideas about the elderly. Counterpoint:

11. According to a new report, President Trump likes Starburst candy, but only eats the red and pink flavors. Just another example of no one liking the orange ones:

12. The Honda Accord won Car of the Year this week at the Detroit Auto Show. And, considering the show took place in Detroit, I’m guessing this was the runner-up:

13. The Ritz-Carlton in Riyadh, a 492-room hotel converted into a prison by the Saudis, will reopen to guests next month. A fancy estate that also serves as a prison, or, as Melania refers to it, the White House.

14. According to a new study, the incidence of hip fractures in older women in the U.S. is on the rise. “You’re welcome,” said the makers of Cialis,

15. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ in 2016, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to a porn star he had an affair with in 2006. “This story is going to ruin my reputation,” said the woman who has sex on camera, with strangers, for money.

16. Fox News killed a story during the presidential race that detailed an alleged sexual relationship between porn actress “Stormy Daniels” and then-candidate Donald Trump. Fox made the decision because the story didn’t comply with their strict guidelines, meaning it didn’t contain the words ‘Obama,’ ‘secret’ or ‘Muslim.’

17. Russia is setting up a supercomputer meant to improve weather forecasts ahead of this year’s soccer World Cup finals. Hey, Russia, if you don’t want the world to think you’re an evil superpower, maybe don’t try to develop a machine that controls the world’s weather.

18. After reviewing the medical records of the President released by the White House on Tuesday, Dr. Sanjay Gupta diagnosed President Trump with a common form of heart disease. The most surprising part of that finding is that Donald Trump has a heart.

19. On Wednesday, in response to his physical exam results, President Trump said, “I get more exercise than people think … I mean, I walk, I this, I that.” Although, it seems like a pretty good indicator that maybe you don’t exercise that much when you can’t even think of a second or third example.

20. According to reports, Donald Trump told Stormy Daniels, the pornstar he allegedly had an affair with, that she was, “Just like my daughter.” Well, I hope not, because you had sex with Stormy.

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