December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

May 25, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week the New York Botanical Gardens premiered an exhibition from Georgia O’Keeffe entitled Visions of Hawaii. The exhibition highlights little known facts about our 50th state, for instance, did you know that Hawaii looks exactly like a vagina?

2. It was announced this week that the CW’s “Jane the Virgin” TV show will end after five seasons. Experts are calling it the easiest series finally to write ever.

3. This week, Pornhub released a porn-version of the hit musical Hamilton. And I pray to god they make Mike Pence sit through this one too:

4. In a new interview, the former U.S. ambassador to Panama compared President Trump to a velociraptor saying, “If you do not show him deference, he kills you.” But there are differences, for instance, one is an extinct, small-minded creature that knows nothing about geo-political affairs and the other is a velociraptor.

5. Rudy Giuliani claims that his legal team has been told, off the record, of an informant that was placed inside the Trump campaign. Said Giuliani, “That’s insane, is that even legal?” upon hearing that someone said something off the record:

6. Over the weekend, President Trump called his wife “Melanie” on Twitter. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump has cheated on her multiple times, admitted to not getting her much for her birthday and is now calling her by the wrong name, even Ike Turner is like, “Dude, you gotta be a better husband.”

7. President Trump on Friday escalated his attacks on the Justice Department, suggesting that the FBI may have planted or recruited an informant in his 2016 presidential campaign. Trump thought he knew who the mole on the campaign was because he didn’t recognize the guy’s face until his aids told him that was Eric.

8. A candidate for county commission in Dallas revealed in an interview that he had established a trust for his children that proposed incentives for them to marry white people. “Is that even legal?” asked Kris Jenner upon hearing that your children can marry white people.

9. This week, one of Michael Cohen’s business partners, a man known as the taxi king, agreed to cooperate with the government, a move that many are saying could be the beginning of the end for Cohen. While Trump’s ultimate undoing will most likely be attributable to either the burger or papaya king:

10. On Monday, former President Barack Obama announced a multiyear Netflix deal in which he and the former first lady, Michelle Obama, will produce shows and films for the streaming service. This marks the second time a U.S. president has filmed something for a streaming service:

11. A restaurant in Texas has put a picture of Bruce Jenner on the door to the men’s restroom and a picture of Caitlyn Jenner on the door to the women’s restroom. Yet another example of a woman who lost her job to an old white, guy:

12. A not-for-profit group has announced plans to put a library on the moon. “Wow, I’ve always wanted to masturbate on the moon,” said homeless people.

13. Facebook users in the U.S. who want to run certain ads on the social media platform will need to hand over the last four digits of their social security number and a picture of a government-issued ID. That’s seems excessive, Facebook definitely already has that information about everyone anyway.

14. A man in Ohio called police this week after he noticed that a pig was following him and did not know what to do about it.“Just give in, fighting only makes it worse” said this guy:

15. A bankruptcy court judge on Tuesday ordered the law firm of Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti to pay a $10 million judgment. So Avenatti is familiar with porn stars, loves going on TV, and now has experience in bankruptcy court, how is this guy not Trump’s lawyer?

16. Police in Philadelphia say that a six-year-old girl in a Kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. So let that be a warning to all you kids, Emma’s a snitch.

17. Video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump once left an event for twenty minutes in order to return so he could make a grander entrance via helicopter. Attendees called the entrance “ostentatious” and the interim, “the best twenty minutes ever.”

18. Conservative commentator Tomi Lahren said a patron at a restaurant in Minnesota where she was dining threw a glass of water at her. Lahren didn’t melt, so now the patron is forced to go with her backup plan of dropping Auntie Em’s house on her.

19. According to reports, President Trump’s lawyers and special counsel Robert Mueller discussed a potential January 27, 2018, interview of the President before talks between the two sides stalled. According to sources, talks were so premature that the Trump administration didn’t even have time print up commemorative coins:

20. According to a new study, regular use of a CPAP sleeping machine could help improve some people’s sex lives. Especially people who have always wanted to fuck Babar:

21. A coalition of conservation groups sued the Trump administration on Thursday, accusing the government of slashing protections for migratory birds. Which is bullshit, because whatever’s in that birds nest on top of Trump’s head migrates south every weekend to Mar-a-Lago.

22. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. Stormy and West Hollywood have a lot in common, for instance, you don’t really need a key to get into either of them.

23. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. While Melania said she would settle for the key that let’s her out of the Lincoln bedroom.

24. According to a new study, a smartphone app may not be an effective method of measuring blood pressure in pregnant women. But, it is an very effective way to ruin an iPhone:

25. Earlier this week, Moses Farrow, Woody Allen’s son, wrote a 4,600-word essay defending his father against sex abuse claims. Allen said he was so proud of his son, the only way he could have been prouder is if he were his daughter and knew how to keep a secret.

February 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A boy in Florida had be rescued last week after he crawled into a claw arcade game and became trapped. Authorities became aware of the situation upon hearing Jerry Sandusky yell, “Quick! Does anyone have change for a dollar!”

2. The U.S. Justice Department’s third-ranking official, Rachel Brand, will resign and take a senior job at Walmart. Brand is the second Trump administration staffer to leave the White House for a job at Walmart:

3. On Friday, both President Trump and injured Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz spoke at the annual National Prayer Breakfast. Said Trump to Wentz, “Just to prepare myself, what’s it like when your replacement does a much better job than you?”

4. Erotic thriller “Fifty Shades Freed” and children’s movie “Peter Rabbit” finished 1 and 2 at the box office over the weekend. “Jackpot,” said this movie-goer:

5. According to a new study, the toys children play with can influence the skills they learn and what they grow up to become. And, in related news, these are the toys Don Jr. and Eric played with as kids:

6. One of the favorites to win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show didn’t show up in the ring when the German shepherd breeds competition started early Monday morning. Not surprisingly, the New York Post caught Puddles partying with Diddy and Bieber at 1 Oak late Sunday night:

7. This week, advisor to Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway defended the President’s treatment of women, says he has “many times come to the aid of women privately.” In some cases even going as far as to grab them by their privatelys.

8. Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa Trump, was taken to the hospital Monday after receiving a letter containing white powder that was later deemed to be non-hazardous. Which is good, but I wasn’t too worried, because a woman who has been exposed to that much Don Jr. in her life must have built up a pretty strong tolerance to toxic substances.

9. Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa Trump, was taken to the hospital Monday after receiving a letter containing traces of white powder that was later deemed to be non-hazardous. Not to be confused with letters she receives from her father-in-law which contain traces of white power.

10. President Donald Trump said on Wednesday he is completely opposed to domestic violence. Especially after Melania found out about Stormy:

11. According to a new study, kidney stones are on the rise in the United States. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason it hurts when this guy pees:

12. An Oregon woman has become the first person worldwide known to have had an eye infestation by a tiny worm species previously seen only in cattle that is spread by flies that feed on eyeball lubrication. You can read more about it in this months Medical Journal of Please Don’t Let There Be Pictures of This.

13. Over the weekend, President Trump said a classified memo by congressional Democrats related to investigations of Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election is “very political and long” and must be “heavily redacted” before it can be released. Even worse, now Trump knows about redactions:

14. Over the weekend, President Trump said a classified memo by congressional Democrats related to investigations of Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election is “very political” and must be “heavily redacted” before it can be released. Trump’s other demands before the memo can be released: add a few pictures, a couple of pop-ups and throw Waldo in there a few times.

December 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump’s relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson never recovered after rumors surfaced that Tillerson called Trump ‘a moron.’ Much like the relationship between the President and Eric Trump never recovered after Eric called him ‘dad.’

2. President Trump’s border wall prototypes were tested this week to see if they can be climbed, broken through or gotten around. They conducted the test by putting President Trump and Melania on the same side of the wall:

3. A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ was staged on Sunday where all the performers and audience members were naked. So enjoy those warm seats, next audience.

4. Facebook on Monday rolled out Messenger Kids, an app that lets the world’s biggest social media company expand into a so-far untapped market of kids under 13. That story again, somewhere in Alabama, Roy Moore just pulled out his phone to delete Tinder and add Messenger Kids.

5. A new poll has found that 48% of Roy Moore supporters in Alabama plan to vote for the alleged-pedophile because “he’s the best person for the job.” And, if you’ve ever seen the selection of men in Alabama, they may be right:

6. The Justice Department said Wednesday it is seeking a warrant so it can seize an ancient ring believed to be trafficked by the Islamic State. And, if that doesn’t work, they’re gonna give Nic Cage a hastily drawn treasure map.

7. Last week, for the first time in the United States, a woman with a transplanted uterus gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy, six pound, eight ounce uterus.

8. According to reports, Republican Congressman Blake Farenthold settled a sexual harassment claim brought against him in 2014 with $84,000 of taxpayer money. Although, by the look of him, I’m guessing $84,000 is actually the least amount of money he’s ever had to paid for sex:

9. Earlier this week, President Trump took to Twitter to openly questions ‘Morning Joe’ host Joe Scarborough’s role in an unsolved murder. Although, if you’re gonna send Scarborough to jail for anything, it should be this:

10. According to a new book, President Trump’s meal of choice while on the campaign trail was two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fishes and a chocolate milkshake. Begging the question, was he campaigning to become the next president or the next Grimace?:

11. Last week, Senate Democrats criticized Republicans for making last-minute, handwritten changes to the tax reform bill, hours before voting on it. And somehow those weren’t worse Republican handwritten notes that came to light last week:

12. Pizza Hut recently announced that they will begin delivering alcohol. Which seems pointless, these people are ordering Pizza Hut, clearly they’re already very drunk.

13. The Republican Party has resumed funding the Senate campaign of Roy Moore, who is accused of sexual misconduct involving teenage girls. To celebrate, Moore bought a round of Orange Julius’s for everyone at the food court.

14. Donald Trump Jr. would not tell House investigators Wednesday what he and his father discussed following a June 2016 meeting he had in Trump Tower with Russians, citing attorney-client privilege. I can tell you for sure one that that wasn’t said during that conversation, “I’m proud of you, son.”

15. Democratic Congressman John Conyers stepped down on Tuesday after multiple accusations of sexual misconduct. Although it’s not the first time someone has stepped following sexual misconduct:

16. President Donald Trump’s lawyers told a New York state judge on Tuesday that under the U.S. Constitution she had no jurisdiction over the president and therefore urged her to dismiss a defamation lawsuit. That shocking story again, the President has heard of the Constitution.

17. According to reports, Disney’s Hall of Presidents is scheduled to debut its new Donald Trump statue sometime before Christmas. “Maybe don’t bolt it down too tight,” said Robert Mueller.

18. The results of a new study found that obese people who eat almonds and chocolate every day may have lower cholesterol than their counterparts who don’t. Said one fat guy, “This is a doctor-prescribed Almond Joy.”

19. After being indicted, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly teamed up with a Russian operative to ghostwrite an op-ed defending himself. Begging the question, where does Trump find the time to help write an op-ed?

20. A new study found that leaving a bedroom window open may help people sleep better. “I beg to differ,” said the guy who lives next to Macklemore.

November 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 16% of Americans believe that Bigfoot is real. “I’ve seen it,” said the woman who waxes the Kardashians.

2. Due to thawing relations between the Cuba and the U.S., Cubans were able to watch the World Series twenty-four hours after the live event. That story again, residents of Cuba now have Time Warner cable.

3. NBC News and MSNBC joined Showtime, Penguin Press and HBO in severing ties with political journalist Mark Halperin, who is accused of sexually harassing several female colleagues. But, on the plus-side, he’s now over-qualified to run Fox News.

4. Paul Manafort, the indicted former campaign manager for President Donald Trump, spent almost $1 million on eight rugs in two years. But, in his defense, he was in charge of the Trump campaign and, at a certain point, dry cleaning doesn’t work anymore:

5. The White House released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President Pence on Tuesday. Begging the question, how can you tell the difference between Mike Pence and a portrait of Mike Pence?

6. Ford has built a robotic butt that tests the durability of the seats it puts in its vehicles. Those who have seen it said it resembles a Kardashian, except for the fact that the robotic butt has a job.

7. After Hillary Clinton joked this week that she was considering dressing up as president for Halloween, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted “That’s cute. She can borrow my Donald Trump mask.” But if he loans out his mask, what will his wife wear during sex so he can achieve orgasm?

8. On Wednesday, the CIA released Osama bin Laden’s personal diary. Turns out bin Laden believed in two things, that Allah is great and that Becky is a complete bitch.

9. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday lawmakers and the Trump administration were “on a path” toward reaching a deal on a bill that would keep the government funded beyond December 8th. They’re gonna sell steaks!:

10. According to sources, President Trump has made it clear to the State Department that he wants to accelerate the release of any remaining Hillary Clinton emails. Of course, the best way to secure the fastest release of emails from Hillary is to mark them ‘Confidential.’

11. According to a new report, modernizing and maintaining the U.S. nuclear arsenal over the next 30 years will cost more than $1.2 trillion. Said President Trump, “I plan on keeping costs down by getting ride of a few”:

12. This week the CEO of Papa John’s said the NFL protests are hurting their sales. Or maybe, just maybe, the public isn’t buying your pizza because they’ve tasted it.

13. A defector from North Korea told U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday that disseminating information in the reclusive country would be more effective than the billions of dollars being spent to address the military threat.”Disseminating information in a foreign country you say,” said President Trump, “luckily I know a guy who has a lot of experience”:

14. On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that no one in the Trump administration supports slavery. Which is a pretty callous way to tell Jeff Sessions he’s been fired.

15. President Trump reportedly wants to name the Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut” bill. Which I assume will be spelt with K’s and shortened to be more accurate to this administration.

16. The Senate heard testimony this week from President Trump’s pick to be the new head of NASA, Jim Bridenstine, who does not have a background in science. But, in Trump’s defense, Bridenstine wasn’t his first pick, but he had settle after he was informed that Buzz Lightyear isn’t a real person.

17. This week, during a Halloween party event at the White House, First Lady Melania Trump met a little girl dressed up as her. So that makes it two weeks in a row now for Melania:

18. According to a new study, only 4.8% of television writers are black. “We didn’t even know that was allowed,” said the writers for ‘Frasier.’

19. Saudi Arabia will for the first time allow women to attend sporting events. They’re even allowing them to paint their faces to show support for their team, here are a couple of sports fanatics now:

20. The Justice Department has gathered enough evidence to charge six members of the Russian government in the hacking of Democratic National Committee computers before the 2016 presidential election. Good lord, haven’t enough members of the Trump administration been charged this week?

June 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pablo Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana Widmaier-Picasso, is starting her own jewelry line. All earnings will come one to a set.

2. You will soon be able to rent President Trump’s childhood home in Queens for $4,000 a month. Or, if you’re willing to spend a lot more, you can rent Barron’s childhood home, just make the check out to Vlad:

3. On Thursday, the Justice Department issued a complaint alleging that stolen money was used to finance and produce the movie ‘Dumb and Dumber To.’ “I know that feeling of having your money stolen,” said people who saw “‘Dumb and Dumber To.’

4. An off-the-record speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in which he mocked President Trump was broadcast on TV. Australia should be careful because Trump angers easily and Austria should be careful because he’s not that bright.

5. The White House has eliminated nearly 60 requirements for agencies to submit paperwork in a bid to make the federal government operate more efficiently. Because if there’s one thing President Trump believes in, it’s not submitting paperwork:

6. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered former-FBI Director James Comey asylum if an investigation is launched against him. “I’ll give you a list of great restaurants in Moscow,” said Michael Flynn.

7. A San Francisco woman found a bullet in a recently purchased avocado. Along with either a death threat or a recipe:

8. According to reports, the 2017 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors unanimously voted to skip the traditional celebratory trip to the White House. Although, just because you lose a vote to go to the White House doesn’t mean you won’t end up there anyway:

9. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s more pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. So, when he says he’s ‘polishing his knob,’ it may not be a euphemism.

10. KFC announced plans to send a chicken sandwich to the edge of space with a high-altitude balloon. “And so the chase begins,” said Chris Christie:

11. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. “I was just ahead of my time,” said the doctor who’s been prescribing Chalupas for years:

12. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Said Trump, “Sorry, Russia already called dibs on it.”

13. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told reporters on Friday that former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton encouraged him to take a job in the Trump White House. Specifically, the job of president.

14. The White House said on Friday that President Trump will visit Poland ahead of next month’s G20 summit in Germany. Said Poland, “Trump’s visit will be the most unwanted visit from any foreign leader in our country’s history”:

15. A hospital in Mississippi allowed a 12-year-old girl to help doctors deliver her newborn baby brother. Which, considering it’s Mississippi, was a nice glimpse into the 12-year-old’s not-too-distant future.

16. A Michigan man apparently upset because his food included onions, is now in jail after he allegedly threatened to kill the restaurant owner before exposing himself. Or, maybe, he was just providing the restauranteur a visual example of how to ‘hold the onions.’

17. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 150 pounds of meth Sunday, found hidden inside boxes of popcorn. Which makes sense, because you can’t get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth when you don’t have any teeth.

18. In a new interview, actress Lena Dunham revealed that her dad taught her how to use a tampon when she was fourteen. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, date night.

19. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. He is survived by one slice of sausage, three slices of plain and a full, untouched veggie pizza.

20. A Brooklyn man allegedly prowled a Manhattan bar for drunk college students and then took them back to his apartment, where he forced them to smoke crack before robbing them. “God, I miss college,” said Charlie Sheen.

June 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A giant scaffold bearing the image of British Prime Minister Theresa May appeared on the cliffs of Dover on Monday, complete with a Union Flag skirt and a rude hand gesture indicating to the rest of Europe that it should go away. “That gives me an idea,” said Trump:

2. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby arrived for the first day of his sexual assault trial with Keshia Knight Pulliam, the actress who played Rudy on ‘The Cosby Show’ by his side. When asked why she chose to do that, Pulliam said, “Because it’s a lot safer than walking in front of him.”

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Also, that’s not what a USB port is for.

4. To promote its product, a condom company is running an ad asking the question, what if Donald Trump had never been born. “You know, it’s not too late to go with Plan B,” said Mike Pence.

5. Peter Laviolette, the head coach of the NHL’s Nashville Predators, has asked fans to stop throwing catfish onto the ice to celebrate goals. “Well, there goes my business,” said this guy:

6. At least 10 incoming freshmen to Harvard University have had their admission revoked for sharing anti-Semitic and racist content in an exclusive Facebook chat. But, on the plus side, they’ve all been given free rides to the University of Alabama.

7. A prostitution ring in Japan lets customers eat curry rice off of naked women. That way the burning sensation you feel when eating will match the burning sensation you’ll get when peeing.

8. Actor Jeremy Piven is putting his Malibu home on the market for $10.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably say “bro” a lot.

9. According to a new study, people who attend religious services tend to live longer. Turns out, ironically, Jesus may have made it past thirty-three if only he had gone to church more.

10. On Monday, George Conway, the husband of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, criticized President Trump’s tweets about the administration’s temporary travel ban, saying they were undercutting the Justice Department’s ability to defend his policies. Adding, “Even my crazy-ass wife is having a hard time spinning this shit.”

May 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.S. Department of Justice indicted nine high-ranking FIFA soccer officials on federal corruption charges. Proving if America can’t be the best at something it will just find another way to win.

2. German Chancellor Angela Merkel topped the Forbes list of the world’s 100 most powerful women for the fifth year in a row. Coming in last, Angela Merkel’s stylist.

3. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans support President Obama’s new trade deals. That story again, a majority of Americans will answer a poll on a subject they know absolutely nothing about.

4. Wearable fitness training device maker Fitbit is being sued by rival Jawbone for allegedly stealing confidential information. But, if I know that industry, I bet at first Jawbone will be really excited about the lawsuit, then lose interest and, in about a year, find it under a bunch of junk in a drawer.

5. Apple says it has found a bug that causes iPhones to crash. Oh Apple, trying to make a phone call isn’t ‘a bug.’

6. California scientists are testing whether the illegal psychoactive drug known as Ecstasy could kelp alleviate anxiety for patients near death. So far it’s just led to a lot of confusion among terminal ill patients who go towards the light only to discover that it’s yet another glow-stick.

7. A Florida community college under fire for allowing female sonography students to perform vaginal probes on one another as part of their class instruction said it will cease the practice. So now, if you want to vaginally probe a community college student, you’ll have to go to a strip club like the rest of us.

8. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has added a slew of new words recently including ‘emoji,’ ‘clickbait’ and ‘meme.’ As a result, it has also amended the definition of the word ‘dictionary’ to “a useless collection of nonsense.”

9. Yesterday, Nebraska became the first conservative state to outlaw the death penalty in 40 years. The state legislature did away with capital punishment after realizing they had a penalty much worse than death at their disposal, forcing criminals to live the rest of their lives in Nebraska.

10. According to a new study, babies who live at high altitudes may be more susceptible to sudden infant death syndrome. Which may explain why Casey Anthony just bought a house on top of Mount Everest.