Tag Archives: FCC

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

October 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Which is weird, because with those tiny little hands of his, you’d think he would have been able to slip out of those shackles a lot sooner.

2. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” So attention all women, take extra precaution to protect all grab-able body parts, because he now has a full range of motion.

3. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” “You might want to hang onto those shackles,” said the people investigating Trump University.

4. Comcast is being forced to pay the largest fine the FCC has ever levied against a cable operator for charging customers for services and equipment they didn’t ask for. Or, as Wells Fargo refers to it, good business.

5. A new study warns that astronauts traveling to Mars could suffer brain damage. Which explains why, after “the Martian,” Matt Damon thought it was a good idea, as a white man, to star in a Chinese epic called “the Great Wall.”

6. On Monday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to be an astronaut on SpaceX’s highly anticipated trip to Mars. Said DiCaprio, “I’ve already fucked every supermodel on Earth.”

7. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. The last time there were that many married couples in one place Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and all their ex-wives got together for a very uncomfortable dinner.

8. There’s a new trend where people dab small amounts of their own urine onto their faces in bid to give themselves clearer, healthier-looking skin. “That’s insane! Why would you want a small amount of your own urine on your face?” said R Kelly.

9. Yesterday, President Obama vowed that America will be the first country to land on Mars. And then Vice President Biden made a joke about Uranus.

10. FoxNews’ Geraldo Rivera said this week he has additional audio tapes of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump saying embarrassing things. For instance, in one tape, Trump refers to Rivera as “a close friend.”

October 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. And, in related news, Rob Schneider has signed a deal to open an account with Netflix.

2. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. So now you don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own home to not watch the next Adam Sandler movie.

3. A new study suggests, people who work in offices with more plants tend to be happier. This according to “High Times” magazine.

4. Voter registration in Ferguson, Missouri, has jumped nearly 30 percent since August 9, when the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teen triggered riots. Said Ferguson residents, “We weren’t sure how serious they were, but didn’t want to take our chances with this whole ‘Vote or Die’ campaign.”

5. According to “People” magazine, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis welcomed a baby girl into the world Tuesday. The couple reportedly went the extra mile and got a theft proof cradle just in case Demi visits.

6. A dog that fell into a hot tar pit near a construction site in India was saved following a four hour rescue mission. The canine was covered head-to-toe in tar, or as it is known in the neighboring country of China, seasoning.

7. Up to 100 people may have come in contact with the Texas man who is the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with Ebola. So he probably shouldn’t have gone to that Astros game.

8. JP Morgan said Thursday that cybercriminals gathered information on more than 800 million account holders as part of a massive bank hack this summer. Said a representative for JP Morgan, “The whole incident is regretful, specifically regret that we didn’t get the chance to steal that money before the cybercriminals.”

9. On Thursday, the NFL announced that they will move the 2015 Draft from New York City, where it has been held for over 30 years, to Chicago. The Draft is expected to lead to a boom in Chicago’s economy, especially the city’s bail bonds men sector.

10. Lawyers for Prince William and his wife Kate have sent letters to photographers asking them to stop following their son, Prince George, and his nanny around public parks. Said Kim Kardashian, “There are photos in parks looking for pictures of famous babies!?! Quick, grab a stroller and whatever my kid’s name is, and let’s go!!!”

11. A student at a Florida high school was forced to remove his costume after he came to school spirit day dressed as a condom. “A what?” said school slut Becky.

12. Hammad Akbar, the creator of StealthGenie, a mobile app marketed as a tool for spying on cheating spouses and monitoring children, was arrested yesterday. Which isn’t all bad news for Akbar, because if he likes devices that keep tabs on people, he’s gonna love his new ankle bracelet.

13. The Federal Communications Commission indicted on Tuesday that it is considering imposing a punishment on broadcasters who use the word “Redskins” when announcing Washington football games. Look if you can figure out what Shannon Sharpe is saying, be my guest.

14. Troubled former teen star Amanda Bynes was arrested over the weekend on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of drugs in Los Angeles. Bynes reportedly failed the roadside sobriety test when she identified herself.

15. The Indonesian province of Aceh on Saturday approved an anti-homosexuality law that can punish anyone caught having gay sex with 100 lashes. But, as any paparazzo who has followed John Travolta around can attest, it’s really hard to catch someone having gay sex.

16. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” While Prince Charles wishes his life was more like the plot to “the Lion King.”

August 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford allegedly received an email threatening to blow up city hall unless he resigned within 12 hours. And so begins the plot to the newest “Die Hard” movie, “Pie Hard.”

2. The FCC voted to require all cell phone carriers to allow customers to text 911 instead of calling. But, not to come off desperate, 911 always waits three days to text back.

3. Customers at a Subway restaurant located inside a Georgia WalMart started throwing things after they said the lettuce looked too brown. You’re eating at a Subway in a WalMart, how can you still get upset over being disappointed at things in life?

4. A man in Colorado has spent the last 14 years turning rooms in his log cabin into various sets used in the “Star Trek” series. And, if you’re impressed with the level of imagination that went into that, you should “meet” his girlfriend.

5. According to a new study, men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. The study was conducted in the NBA.

6. The last polar bear in Africa died on Wednesday. So, from now on, if you see an old, white-haired, bear in the Serengeti, it’s probably Barney Frank on safari.

7. President Obama and Hillary Clinton rubbed shoulders on Wednesday at a party attended by both on Martha’s Vineyard. And, although it may not seem it, Hillary is great at parties, because if you run out of ice, it’s always nice to have a frigid bitch nearby.

8. Intel plans to use wearable gadgets such as smart watches to monitor patients with Parkinson’s disease. They are hoping that this goes better than their first study where they had them wear Etch-A-Sketches.

9. Iranian mathematician Maryam Mirzakhani on Wednesday became the first woman to be awarded the Fields Medal, mathematic’s equivalent to the Nobel Prize. The only thing rarer than a woman winning the Fields Medal is a female mathematician in Iran who hasn’t been stoned to death.

10. Scientists reported on Wednesday, common soil bacteria injected into cancers in pet dogs and one human patient shrank many of the tumors. Said the one human patient, “I knew I shouldn’t have made my vet my primary-care physician.”

May 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Lawmakers expressed concerns about the merger of the top two cable operators, Comcast and Time Warner, at a congressional hearing on Thursday. But, in the cable providers’ defense, how could their service get any worse?

2. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Begging the question, what was O.J. Simpson doing in Turkey?

3. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Despite that, I still give this couple better odds of making it than anyone who met on “the Bachelor.”

4. The cover of the current issue of “Rolling Stone” features actor Neil Patrick Harris wearing nothing but a bowtie and a well-placed top hot. Or, as it is known on Fire Island, formal wear.

5. On Thursday, the FCC announced a $2.4 million fine against Dialing Services, a New Mexico-based firm that the FCC says continued to place robocalls over the past year despite having been warned against doing so in March 2013. When contacted about the story, the firm replied, “If you’d like to hear our side of the story, press one. If you’d like to be added to our mailing list, press two. If you’re the FCC, please fuck off and press three. To hear those options again, press nine.”

6. According to the Financial Times, Apple is close to buying headphone maker Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. But, as is usually the case, Apple will probably lose them and be forced to buy a whole new headphone company next week.

7. This week, window cleaners in Pittsburgh dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital. Unfortunately, the kids learned the hard way that this Superman couldn’t fly.

8. According to a survey by the Durex condom company, people in Mexico have the most exciting sex. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘exciting,’” said the donkey.

9. According to an online report, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling claimed in a new recording he is not a bigot. Look, I don’t know if he’s a bigot, but I can say with certainty that he’s an idiot if he’s still recording himself.

10. A 27-year-old Japanese man was arrested on Thursday for illegally possessing handguns made by a 3-D printer. I miss the old days when Japanese men were arrested for possessing handguns made from origami.

11. The New York Public Library announced it is abandoning a controversial renovation plan that would have replaced floors of research material with a circulating library. “Understood, but how will this affect my ability to shit here?” said homeless people.

12. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it will be adding hamburgers, cheeseburgers and french fries to its breakfast menu. Although, if you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a good idea to eat a cheeseburger right when you wake up, I’m guessing it wasn’t that much of a fast to break to begin with.

13. Florida Democrat Charlie Crist is exploring a possible trip to Cuba this summer as part of his campaign to win the state’s governorship. But, will most likely reconsider once he figures out how voting works.

14. According to a new survey, buying a dog can be a key to fixing a failing relationship. Because then you can start blaming shit on the dog.

15. On Wednesday, the new head of a congressional panel investigating the 2012 attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi criticized some Republicans’ use of the deadly incident to raise campaign funds. Said Rudy Giuliani, “9-11, 9-11, 9-11.”

16. According to a recent study, people can instinctively tell the difference between real and fake laughter. “The gig is up,” said the executive producer of “Two and a Half Men.”

17. The first person on the scene after Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend testified this week that he was praying, crying and pleading with her not to die. The witness said when she first arrived Pistorius was down on his knees praying, then he was down on his knees talking to the police, later he was down on his knees making a sandwich.

18. The Florida State Legislature voted on Friday to let a Mexican-born, non-U.S. citizen practice law in the state. Next on the docket for the Florida Legislature, coming up with laws.