Tag Archives: Fox News

May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

December 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A Florida woman who thought she was buying a baby bouncer from a local Goodwill as a baby shower present was surprised to find a loaded rifle in the box instead. But, since it was Florida, it was actually the fourth gun brought as a gift to that baby shower. 

2. Props from the sitcom “Friends” will be auctioned off next month for charity. The worthy charity that will receive those funds, people who worked on “Joey.”

3. In response to a growing trend, a gynecologist in the U.K. is warning women not to masturbate using electric toothbrushes. “But that’s the only way I’ll get any oral,” said DJ Khalid’s wife: 

4. A North Carolina woman is being accused of conspiring with her boyfriend to stage a robbery at the convenience store where she worked to get money for an engagement ring. “Yes, I’d like to report a crime,” said her commitment-phobic boyfriend calling in a tip to the cops. 

5. Delta Air Lines recently showed an edited version of the film “Booksmart” which cut out the movie’s lesbian sex scene.  Even worse, they showed the full, unedited version of “Aquaman.”

6. Joycelyn Savage, one of jailed rapper R. Kelly’s girlfriends, is now talking. Even more impressive, she took her first steps last week too!

7. A new study found semen on 30% of hotel room remote controls. While they found the other 70% literally everywhere else:

8. During a televised meeting at the White House last week, President Trump decried EPA water restrictions, saying, “People are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times as opposed to once.” And, from the look of his diet, I think this is the rare occasion where he’s not lying: 

9. Last week, a New York judge denied Harvey Weinstein’s request to dismiss two predatory sexual assault charges. Now comes the really hard part for Weinstein, taking ‘no’ for an answer.

10. During Thursday’s halftime performance of the Thanksgiving matchup between the Chicago Bears and Detroit Lions, the power temporarily went out at Ford Field. Fans were disappointed by the interruption, but even more disappointed when the lights came back on and they were forced to watch the second half of the Lions game.

11. The Pussycat Dolls announced last week that they will embark on a reunion tour kicking off in Dublin next year. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get an ideas, Spice Girls.

12. According to a new study, an episode of the long-running television show Grey’s Anatomy increased public awareness about sexual assault and how to get help. Not to be outdone, ‘Mr. Belvedre’ raised awareness of the serious threat of sitting on your own balls.

13. North Korea recently announced that Kim Jong Un took a second horseback ride to a sacred mountain in less than a month. Man, that’s crazy, what’s it like to have a leader who takes part in some sort of physical activity?:

14. Former model Karen McDougal, who said she had an affair with President Trump, filed a defamation lawsuit Thursday against Fox News. Begging the question, can you really damage the reputation of someone who already publicly admittedly that she had sex with Donald Trump?

15. Last week, the New York Knicks fired head coach David Fizdale after the team’s record fell to 4-18. Or, more accurately, Fizdale served his time and an early release.

April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

August 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. This week, 933 people in California set a Guinness World Record for the most people making slime. While Steve Bannon still holds the record for most slime made by one person:

2. According to new research, after sex, men can sometimes experience a myriad of confusing negative feelings, a phenomenon called post-coital dysphoria. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a case of the “I should get goings.”

3. This week Vice President Mike Pence appeared in Iowa to give a speech on taxes. The speech got off to a rough start when no one could figure which one of them was Mike Pence:

4. According to sources, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle, refers to him as “Junior Mint.” And, for obvious reasons, she refers to Eric as “Baby Ruth”:

5. During a speech on Wednesday, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said America “was never that great.” Spoken like a man who has been to Jersey.

6. Doctors in the U.K. found a contact lens in a woman’s eye that had been embedded there for over twenty-eight years. Said the woman, “Can you do anything about the tampon I lost thirty years ago?”

7. In her new book, former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims she saw President Trump eat a piece of paper after meeting with his personal lawyer. Begging the question, can you eat a tape?:

8. President Trump’s campaign has filed suit against former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman for allegedly violating a nondisclosure agreement. “Whahhh, nom-dusclusore agrumen?” asked Omarosa:

9. John Lennon’s son, Sean Lennon posted a selfie on Monday with Paul McCartney’s son, James McCartney. They tried to post a second selfie, but Yoko Ono’s daughter showed up and stopped it.

10. Former NBA All Star Kobe Bryant’s six million dollar investment in sports drink company BodyArmor is now reportedly worth two-hundred million dollars. “Wait, are your investments supposed to go up in value?” said the owner of the New York Knicks.

11. On Wednesday, Corey Lewandowski, President Trump’s former campaign manager, appeared on multiple TV outlets to tout the benefits of T-Mobile’s bid to acquire Sprint. It’s all part of Sprint’s plan to have a spokesperson more hated than the “Can You Hear Me Now” guy.

12. According to a new study, state laws designed to increase teen vaccination against HPV don’t appear to influence adolescents’ choices about whether to become sexually active. That study again, teenage boys still horny.

13. Magician and former “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Penn Jillette recently claimed he heard President Trump make racially insensitive comments while on set, including the n-word. Even worse, that’s the only word that Teller says:

14. According to newly released statistics, President Trump has spent a quarter of his presidency at a Trump-branded golf resort. Even more concerning, Trump has spent the other 75% at the White House.

15. Florida Senator Bill Nelson told the Tampa Bay Times on Wednesday that Russian operatives have penetrated some of Florida’s election systems and could delete registered voters ahead of the November elections. Also deleting Florida voters from the rolls ahead of the election, this guy:

16. Director Spike Lee says he wants President Trump to see his new movie “BlacKkKlansman.” Said Trump, “You had me at ‘Klansman’ and lost me at ‘Black.’”

17. Last Friday night, President Trump had dinner with Apple CEO Tim Cook. The get-together marks the first time Trump has ever had a meal that involved any kind of fruit.

18. A chain of Detroit area gas stations is facing a lawsuit claiming they have been selling men’s Viagra without a prescription and telling them the drug is an all-natural male enhancement pill. Giving new meaning to the phrase “Fill her up.”

June 29, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. On Monday, Showtime announced that actor Russell Crowe will play Fox News founder Roger Ailes in a new miniseries. It is apparently the role Crowe has been preparing for for the past twelve years:

2. Brett Kavanaugh, a federal judge in Washington is the early favorite among political bettors to succeed Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who announced his retirement on Wednesday. So if you had Judge Brett Kavanaugh in your office Supreme Court pool, your office sucks.

3. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she was kicked out of a Virginia restaurant over the weekend because she works for President Trump. Said the restaurant owner, “That’s not the case at all, we just ran out of gravy.”

4. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen said he refused to pose for a picture with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Which is a pretty big insult coming from the guy who agreed to appear in “The Guilt Trip”:

5. Over the weekend, Zsa Zsa, a 9-year-old English bulldog, won the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog content. Zsa Zsa is so ugly other digs sniff her face.

6. Joe Jackson died on Wednesday at the age of 89. He is survived by a very relieved Tito.

7. Last week, pair of gay male swans in Austria attacked several people to protect a discarded plastic cup in their nest that they treat like an egg. The last time a parent defended a piece of garbage mistaken for a child, Don Jr. was meeting with Russian at Trump Tower.

8. NASCAR radio broadcaster Wendy Venturini is in the hospital, but is doing fine after being struck by a car on Saturday. Said Venturini, “How was I suppose to know he was going to make a left?”

9. On Monday, President Trump tweeted that the Red Hen restaurant that refused to serve Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders “badly needs a paint job.” Because if Trump knows anything, it’s that you need a new paint job every single day:

10. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is suing two of his children and a former business manager, accusing them of slandering him by saying he has dementia. But, in their defense, when a old man shouts “I’ve been to the moon,” they tend to be crazy too.

11. A Russian company asked a federal judge on Monday to dismiss charges brought against them by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, saying Mueller was unlawfully appointed and lacks prosecutorial authority. Hey, Russia, this is a federal court, you can’t just tell them what to do, this isn’t the White House.

12. According to a new study, Chinese men consume one-third of all cigarettes worldwide. While the other two-thirds are consumed by Keith Richards:

13. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill suffered a broken rib after choking at a Senate lunch Thursday, where her Senate colleague Joe Manchin performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her. “A liberal female politician choking, that’s kind of my thing,” said Hillary.

14. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday deleted a photo of a sock he was wearing with President Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan on it after realizing he may have violated a law that prohibits federal employees from engaging in political activity. Thus marking the second time a politician got in trouble for tweeting a photo of himself wearing a sock:

15. Tiger Woods was spotted using a new putter at this week’s Quicken Loans National golf tournament. Not surprising, he’s always tinkering with his putz.

16. This week, while talking about increasing the number of judges on the border to deal with the immigration issue at a campaign rally, President Trump said “Where are you gonna find 5,000 people to be judges?” I don’t know, maybe try the alley-way behind ‘The Voice’:

17. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. The working title is “In Two Ferns”:

18. French President Emmanuel Macron met with Pope Francis this week for 57 minutes, setting a record for the longest meeting between the Pope and a head state. A record that will be broken next week when the Pope spends a quiet weekend at a New England bed and breakfast with Justin Trudeau:

19. While visiting a migrant detention facility on the country’s southern border, First Lady Melania Trump asked a six-year-old girl, “Did you make friends?” Said the little girl, “Bitch, do you know where you are?”

20. Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins believes President Donald Trump doesn’t understand the complexities of the protest movement in the NFL. So I guess, just add that to the long list of things Trump doesn’t understand:

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

February 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. A University of Arizona male cheerleader was ejected for heckling an Arizona State player during a basketball game last week. The cheerleader said being singled out was the second most embarrassing moment of his life right behind being a male cheerleader.

2. Malaysia detained rapper Namewee on Thursday over an “obscene” Lunar New Year music video depicting people in dog masks dancing in what appears to be the administrative capital of Putrajaya. And, in related news, Macklemore remains completely free.

3. On Friday, the New Yorker reported that Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal once had an affair with Donald Trump. Because, apparently, there wasn’t an option C:

4. Facebook announced that it will start using postcards sent by mail later this year to verify the identities and location of people who want to purchase U.S. election-related advertising on its site. Seems like a fool-proof plan:

5. On Wednesday, the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors announced that they will skip the traditional White House visit and spend time with needy kids in D.C. So at least someone will be spending time with Baron.

6. Swastikas and other graffiti were discovered at the Polish Embassy in Israel on Sunday. “Can I get the name of their interior decorator,” said Mel Gibson.

7. An Israeli company, which has developed a visual aid for the blind, has completed a funding round that values the company at $1 billion. A valuation that would only make sense if the company’s aid is a seeing eye-dog wrapped in 999,999,974 dollar bills.

8. A bill has been proposed in Iceland to ban non-medically required male circumcision. Said the country’s men, “We live in Iceland, ICE-land, we need all the length we can get.”

9. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for ‘superfans.’ “How do I set up a streaming service?” asked your grandparents while pushing buttons on the microwave.

10. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for “superfans.” Or, if you don’t want to pay the fee, you can just wait twenty minutes and read the stories word-for-word on Trump’s Twitter feed.

11. On Tuesday, golfer Tiger Woods was named vice-captain for the U.S. team in the upcoming Ryder Cup matches. Although, technically he was named captain, everyone just assumed the vice part:

12. It was discovered this week that a dating site for President Trump supporters used a sex offender as its model. The only way this could have been more on brand for Trump is if the site also allowed you to date your own daughter.

13. This week, the mayor of Dallas urged the NRA to find another city to host its annual convention. You know things have gotten pretty bad when Texas thinks you have too many guns.

14. On Tuesday, President Trump tried to discredit a woman who accused him of kissing her in Trump Tower by saying he would never do such a thing in a pubic place surrounded by security cameras.
Because if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s knowing when he’s being recorded:

15. While speaking to school shooting survivors at the White House on Wednesday, President Trump was photographed holding speaking notes that read “1. What would you most want me to know about your experience?” “2. What can we do to help you feel safe?” and “5. I hear you.” But that’s not surprising, Trump has a history of using notes to remember things:

16. A family version of the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl LI championship ring with “Brady” on it sold Sunday morning for $344,927. It’s the second time this year that Brady lost a ring:

17. According to a new study, excessive alcohol use could increase your risk for all types of dementia. That story again, drinking to forget your problems works!

18. Uber is dropping a legal appeal against the introduction of more stringent English language tests for drivers in London. Drivers that fail the test will move to New York City to become taxi drivers.