1. Lawmakers expressed concerns about the merger of the top two cable operators, Comcast and Time Warner, at a congressional hearing on Thursday. But, in the cable providers’ defense, how could their service get any worse?

2. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Begging the question, what was O.J. Simpson doing in Turkey?

3. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Despite that, I still give this couple better odds of making it than anyone who met on “the Bachelor.”

4. The cover of the current issue of “Rolling Stone” features actor Neil Patrick Harris wearing nothing but a bowtie and a well-placed top hot. Or, as it is known on Fire Island, formal wear.

5. On Thursday, the FCC announced a $2.4 million fine against Dialing Services, a New Mexico-based firm that the FCC says continued to place robocalls over the past year despite having been warned against doing so in March 2013. When contacted about the story, the firm replied, “If you’d like to hear our side of the story, press one. If you’d like to be added to our mailing list, press two. If you’re the FCC, please fuck off and press three. To hear those options again, press nine.”

6. According to the Financial Times, Apple is close to buying headphone maker Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. But, as is usually the case, Apple will probably lose them and be forced to buy a whole new headphone company next week.

7. This week, window cleaners in Pittsburgh dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital. Unfortunately, the kids learned the hard way that this Superman couldn’t fly.

8. According to a survey by the Durex condom company, people in Mexico have the most exciting sex. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘exciting,’” said the donkey.

9. According to an online report, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling claimed in a new recording he is not a bigot. Look, I don’t know if he’s a bigot, but I can say with certainty that he’s an idiot if he’s still recording himself.

10. A 27-year-old Japanese man was arrested on Thursday for illegally possessing handguns made by a 3-D printer. I miss the old days when Japanese men were arrested for possessing handguns made from origami.

11. The New York Public Library announced it is abandoning a controversial renovation plan that would have replaced floors of research material with a circulating library. “Understood, but how will this affect my ability to shit here?” said homeless people.

12. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it will be adding hamburgers, cheeseburgers and french fries to its breakfast menu. Although, if you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a good idea to eat a cheeseburger right when you wake up, I’m guessing it wasn’t that much of a fast to break to begin with.

13. Florida Democrat Charlie Crist is exploring a possible trip to Cuba this summer as part of his campaign to win the state’s governorship. But, will most likely reconsider once he figures out how voting works.

14. According to a new survey, buying a dog can be a key to fixing a failing relationship. Because then you can start blaming shit on the dog.

15. On Wednesday, the new head of a congressional panel investigating the 2012 attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi criticized some Republicans’ use of the deadly incident to raise campaign funds. Said Rudy Giuliani, “9-11, 9-11, 9-11.”

16. According to a recent study, people can instinctively tell the difference between real and fake laughter. “The gig is up,” said the executive producer of “Two and a Half Men.”

17. The first person on the scene after Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend testified this week that he was praying, crying and pleading with her not to die. The witness said when she first arrived Pistorius was down on his knees praying, then he was down on his knees talking to the police, later he was down on his knees making a sandwich.

18. The Florida State Legislature voted on Friday to let a Mexican-born, non-U.S. citizen practice law in the state. Next on the docket for the Florida Legislature, coming up with laws.