January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

May 25, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week the New York Botanical Gardens premiered an exhibition from Georgia O’Keeffe entitled Visions of Hawaii. The exhibition highlights little known facts about our 50th state, for instance, did you know that Hawaii looks exactly like a vagina?

2. It was announced this week that the CW’s “Jane the Virgin” TV show will end after five seasons. Experts are calling it the easiest series finally to write ever.

3. This week, Pornhub released a porn-version of the hit musical Hamilton. And I pray to god they make Mike Pence sit through this one too:

4. In a new interview, the former U.S. ambassador to Panama compared President Trump to a velociraptor saying, “If you do not show him deference, he kills you.” But there are differences, for instance, one is an extinct, small-minded creature that knows nothing about geo-political affairs and the other is a velociraptor.

5. Rudy Giuliani claims that his legal team has been told, off the record, of an informant that was placed inside the Trump campaign. Said Giuliani, “That’s insane, is that even legal?” upon hearing that someone said something off the record:

6. Over the weekend, President Trump called his wife “Melanie” on Twitter. So, if you’re keeping track, Trump has cheated on her multiple times, admitted to not getting her much for her birthday and is now calling her by the wrong name, even Ike Turner is like, “Dude, you gotta be a better husband.”

7. President Trump on Friday escalated his attacks on the Justice Department, suggesting that the FBI may have planted or recruited an informant in his 2016 presidential campaign. Trump thought he knew who the mole on the campaign was because he didn’t recognize the guy’s face until his aids told him that was Eric.

8. A candidate for county commission in Dallas revealed in an interview that he had established a trust for his children that proposed incentives for them to marry white people. “Is that even legal?” asked Kris Jenner upon hearing that your children can marry white people.

9. This week, one of Michael Cohen’s business partners, a man known as the taxi king, agreed to cooperate with the government, a move that many are saying could be the beginning of the end for Cohen. While Trump’s ultimate undoing will most likely be attributable to either the burger or papaya king:

10. On Monday, former President Barack Obama announced a multiyear Netflix deal in which he and the former first lady, Michelle Obama, will produce shows and films for the streaming service. This marks the second time a U.S. president has filmed something for a streaming service:

11. A restaurant in Texas has put a picture of Bruce Jenner on the door to the men’s restroom and a picture of Caitlyn Jenner on the door to the women’s restroom. Yet another example of a woman who lost her job to an old white, guy:

12. A not-for-profit group has announced plans to put a library on the moon. “Wow, I’ve always wanted to masturbate on the moon,” said homeless people.

13. Facebook users in the U.S. who want to run certain ads on the social media platform will need to hand over the last four digits of their social security number and a picture of a government-issued ID. That’s seems excessive, Facebook definitely already has that information about everyone anyway.

14. A man in Ohio called police this week after he noticed that a pig was following him and did not know what to do about it.“Just give in, fighting only makes it worse” said this guy:

15. A bankruptcy court judge on Tuesday ordered the law firm of Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti to pay a $10 million judgment. So Avenatti is familiar with porn stars, loves going on TV, and now has experience in bankruptcy court, how is this guy not Trump’s lawyer?

16. Police in Philadelphia say that a six-year-old girl in a Kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. So let that be a warning to all you kids, Emma’s a snitch.

17. Video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump once left an event for twenty minutes in order to return so he could make a grander entrance via helicopter. Attendees called the entrance “ostentatious” and the interim, “the best twenty minutes ever.”

18. Conservative commentator Tomi Lahren said a patron at a restaurant in Minnesota where she was dining threw a glass of water at her. Lahren didn’t melt, so now the patron is forced to go with her backup plan of dropping Auntie Em’s house on her.

19. According to reports, President Trump’s lawyers and special counsel Robert Mueller discussed a potential January 27, 2018, interview of the President before talks between the two sides stalled. According to sources, talks were so premature that the Trump administration didn’t even have time print up commemorative coins:

20. According to a new study, regular use of a CPAP sleeping machine could help improve some people’s sex lives. Especially people who have always wanted to fuck Babar:

21. A coalition of conservation groups sued the Trump administration on Thursday, accusing the government of slashing protections for migratory birds. Which is bullshit, because whatever’s in that birds nest on top of Trump’s head migrates south every weekend to Mar-a-Lago.

22. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. Stormy and West Hollywood have a lot in common, for instance, you don’t really need a key to get into either of them.

23. On Wednesday, West Hollywood awarded adult film actress Stormy Daniels the key to the city. While Melania said she would settle for the key that let’s her out of the Lincoln bedroom.

24. According to a new study, a smartphone app may not be an effective method of measuring blood pressure in pregnant women. But, it is an very effective way to ruin an iPhone:

25. Earlier this week, Moses Farrow, Woody Allen’s son, wrote a 4,600-word essay defending his father against sex abuse claims. Allen said he was so proud of his son, the only way he could have been prouder is if he were his daughter and knew how to keep a secret.

May 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands revealed that he has been living a secret double life as an airline co-pilot for the past 21 years. Not to be outdone, for the past 37 years, Queen Elizabeth has had a side job working the Burger King drive-thru:

2. Early Thursday morning, President Trump took to Twitter to weigh in on the latest developments in the Russia investigation saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” And no one is more of a scholar of American history than Trump, just ask his friend Frederick Douglass.

3. This week, right-wing conspiracy theorist and all-around nut job, Alex Jones apologized to Chobani for unfounded claims he made about the yogurt company. That story again, a combination of bacteria and fermented milk apologized to yogurt.

4. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. That story again, someone finally found the last horcrux.

5. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. Ailes left his fingerprints all over cable news and most of the female newscasters as well.

6. Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, died yesterday at the age of 77. He died doing what he loved, getting rid of people who got too old.

7. Pepsi announced a new cinnamon-flavored soda called Pepsi Fire that will be in stores nationwide next week. Begging the question, is Dr. Pepper gonna have to cut a bitch?

8. A study has proved almost 50 percent of people keep their snacking habits in the workplace a secret. So I guess my officemate who eats with his mouth open is part of the other 50 percent.

9. Country singer Toby Keith will put on a ‘men-only’ performance in Saudi Arabia to celebrate President Trump’s visit next week. Which goes against everything I’ve ever learned about Arab countries, I thought they were into punishing women.

10. Former president George W. Bush attended a Texas Rangers baseball game Wednesday evening and photobombed a reporter while she was live on TV. Then he just stood behind her for the rest of the report after the photobomb because he didn’t have a good exit strategy.

11. Wednesday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “You will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve.” Adding, “But if the person doing those things to you is a star, you just have to let them.”

12. Professional football player Antonio Cromartie is set to have his third child since his vasectomy and his thirteenth overall. “Dude, relax,” said Octomom.

13. According to a new study, women want a partner that looks like their brother. “Yeah, looks like,” said a very nervous Princess Leia.

14. In response to whether the Senate could pass the new healthcare bill and swear-in a new head of the FBI, Senator Marco Rubio said, “We should be able to walk, chew gum and confirm an FBI director at the same time.” Says the guy who literally could not stand and drink water at the same time:

15. A New York man set a new world record by extinguishing more than 30 matches with his tongue in a minute. He wasn’t trying to set a record, it was actually doctor prescribed, he used to date Paris Hilton.

16. According to reports, President Trump is expected to have an entourage of over 1,000 people when he makes his first international trip next week. That story again, President Trump personally invited everyone who attended his inauguration to go to Israel with him.

17. President Trump threatened Friday morning to end White House press briefings, arguing that “it is not possible” for his staff to speak with “perfect accuracy” to the American people. Even worse, Sean Spicer can’t get his old job back because the position has already been filled:

18. FBI agents are updating their Facebook profiles to pictures of ousted FBI Director James Comey as a sign of solidarity. While Comey himself is updating his LinkedIn profile.

May 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. So true, if I have one criticism of Trump, it’s that he’s too reserved with his thoughts:

2. Toyota has claimed the title of World’s Fastest SUV after a Toyota Land Cruiser hit 230 miles an hour. “Good to know,” said Al Cowlings.

3. Pornography website Pornhub announced it will be giving away greeting cards that you can give to your mom on Mothers’ Day that turn into virtual reality headsets when folded open. That way, your mom can pretend she lives in a world where her kid doesn’t send her a porn card on Mothers’ Day.

4. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will host the revival of ‘American Idol’ that is set to air on ABC. When asked for comment, the host said, “Ryan Seacrest still hungry. Ryan Seacrest want more.”

5. The White House announced that Donald Trump will embark on his first international trip as President later this month, visiting multiple cities, including Vatican City. “Quick, close the blinds,” said the Pope.

6. A Danish brewery is using 50,000 liters of urine collected from the largest music festival in Northern Europe to produce a novelty beer. “Ew, gross, beer,” said Trump.

7. Following a “bad experience” at a Louisiana bookstore, a 71-year-old man returned and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s ‘Religion’ section. Everyone agreed they hadn’t seen a cabinet stocked with that many dildos since:

8. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The victim was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital where the doctor gave the shark a clean bill of health.

9. Last week, a 510-pound man broke into a Florida Burger King and drank more than 25 gallons of oil from the deep frier. But, in his defense, he also got a Diet Coke.

10. The sister of President Trump’s advisor and son-in law Jared Kushner was in China last week telling high-net worth individuals that if they invest $500,000 in a development in Jersey City they’ll be able to immigrate to the U.S. That’s immoral, tricking unsuspecting Chinese people into moving to Jersey.

February 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Which is a nice start, but, as everyone knows, there is only one way to get rid of her for good:

wicked-witch

2. On Thursday, ‘View’ host Whoopi Goldberg invited Tiffany Trump to sit with her at an upcoming fashion show after reports that the First Daughter was shunned by some during New York’s Fashion Week. Upon seeing a picture of Whoopi sitting next to Tiffany, Donald said, “Which one’s Tiffany again?”

3. Scientists at Harvard claim they are only two years away from bringing the woolly mammoth back from extinction. “Ugh, I have to wait a full two years to shoot one?” said a disappointed Don Trump Jr.

4. According to reports, Burger King is in talks to buy Popeye’s. “Well, that’ll cut down on my daily commute,” said Chris Christie.

5. Yesterday, retired Vice Admiral Robert Harward, President Donald Trump’s choice to replace Michael Flynn as national security adviser, reportedly turned down the offer. Because any good Vice Admiral knows not to jump aboard a sinking ship. 

6. According to a new study, firstborn children tend to be the smartest. So here’s a scary thought, Rob Gronkowski has a younger brother.

7. A U.S. appeals court on Thursday struck down a Florida law that barred doctors from asking patients about gun ownership, ruling that the law violated doctors’ right to free speech. Although I still think it’s unprofessional for my urologist to ask me if that’s a gun in my pocket or if I’m just happy to see him.

8. This week, a dashboard camera caught a lost helicopter pilot landing on a highway in Kazakhstan to ask for directions. Unfortunately, if you ask anyone in Kazakhstan how to get out of Kazakhstan the answer is always, “I was hoping you knew.”

9. The Nigerian media claims that a woman recently gave birth to goat after a two-year pregnancy. Immediately after publishing the far-fetched tory, the Nigerian media was given a prominent seat in the White House press room.

10. According to reports, NBC is in talks to revive “American Idol.” And it couldn’t be better timing as Americans have shown how good they are at voting.

11. A tour guide at a Tanzanian game park has been arrested after wrongly translating a tourist’s comments about the country and its people. It is a crime in Tanzania to misrepresent other people’s statements, or, as Sean Spicer calls it, a career.

12. According to a new study, high schools that start at 8:30 a.m. or later see an increase in attendance and graduation rates. And, according to a study conducted by Secretary of Eduction Betsy DeVos, schools that start in the winter see a decrease in bear attacks.

13. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently revealed that they receive about 1.5 million calls from constituents a day. A number that I’m sure Schumer picked for no reason whatsoever:

trump-1-5

14. According to TMZ, actor George Clooney and his wife Amal are pregnant with twins. Begging the question, is Beyonce gonna have to cut a bitch?

15. The Forest Green Rovers, dubbed the ‘greenest’ soccer club in the world, are planning to build a sustainable, eco-friendly stadium with a small carbon footprint made entirely out of wood. I never thought I’d say this, but can we talk more about soccer?

16. According to police, for years inmates at a medium-security Atlanta prison have been escaping, going into town to buy supplies and sneaking back into jail. Begging the question, how shitty is Atlanta that a bunch of inmates broke out, looked around and decided to voluntarily return to prison?

August 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted “They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT!” Proving that things have gotten so bad that even Donald Trump is distancing himself from the Trump name.

2. Thursday morning, a naked statue of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump appeared in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. The anonymous artist named the piece, “Poor Melania.”

3. Thursday morning, a naked statue of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump appeared in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. Thus proving his pole numbers are indeed quite small.

4. A zebra born this week in a zoo in Toronto has been named ‘Rey’ after the ‘Star Wars’ character. “Just be happy you weren’t born sixteen years ago,” said zoo’s giraffe named ‘Jar-Jar Binks.’

5. A 120-year-old Hindu monk named Swami Sivananda says the key to his long life has been daily yoga and a vow of celibacy. Luckily, when you’re celibate, being very flexible comes in handy.

6. Researchers at Stanford have developed a satellite map that can predict poverty around the world. So now, the two things you can see from space are the Great Wall of China and Detroit.

7. A postal worker in Florida was caught on camera dumping mail into a dumpster. But, to be fair, that’s where most things you have to read end up in Florida anyway.

8. This week it was reported that former head of Fox News Roger Ailes is helping Republican nominee Donald Trump prepare for the upcoming presidential debates. Which I assume means helping Trump come up with playful negs just in case Megyn Kelly is the moderator.

9. A Texas man was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and unlawful restraint for allegedly holding his girlfriend hostage with a spatula. So, I’m guessing she’s not much of a cook?

10. A man in Raleigh is fed up after a car crashed into his house for the sixth time. In an effort to sell it, the man has put up a sign reading “Hey Billy Joel, if you lived here, you’d be home by now.”

11. After finishing fourth in the women’s 4×100 meter relay on Sunday, Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui said she didn’t swim well because she was on her period. “You take enough testosterone and you’ll never have to worry about your period ever again,” said the Russian swimmers.

12. A 23-year-old North Dakota man faces felony charges after he allegedly struggled with police while naked and grabbed the officer below the belt. Afterwhich, the officer read the man his Miranda rights in a much higher voice than normal.

13. While talking about Donald Trump, Vice President Joe Biden said the Republican president nominee “would have loved Stalin.” Said Trump, “Why, did he say something nice about me?”

14. An Israeli man claims that a Chilean border official drew a penis on his passport. But the official drew a picture of a really small penis, so now it just looks like the man went to China.

15. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Not to be outdone, this guy will sell you an eight-ball:
burger-king
 
16. A Cuban cigar maker broke his own record on Friday by rolling the world’s longest cigar at 295 feet or the length of a regulation soccer field. A story that Bill undoubtedly forwarded to Monica.

17. Police are on the lookout for a man who allegedly stole a $60 penis pump from a sex shop in Australia. Because the only thing more shameful than stealing a penis pump is buying one.

18. A man in Australia is set to testify in court against his wife and her teenage daughter, who are accused of attempting to murder him with poisoned meatballs. “I think I may have a lawsuit on my hands,” said everyone who has ever eaten at Guy Fieri’s restaurant.

19. The creator of the hit TV series “Homeland” said the president in the show’s next season is part Donald Trump and part Hillary Clinton. So it’s a pumpkin dressed in a pantsuit?

20. Olympic medics accidentally dropped French gymnast Samir Ait Said while trying to carry him off the floor after he broke his leg vaulting. It was the second landing Ait Said failed to stick that day.

June 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Mel Brooks’ 90th birthday. Or, as it is more commonly known, Jewish Christmas, the day our messiah was born.

2. Burger King has introduced a new menu item called Mac & Cheetos which is macaroni and cheese covered in Cheetos dust and deep fried. Which, coincidentally, is what Donald Trump tells his make-up girl to do to his face every morning.

3. Roy Hodgson, English soccer’s head coach, resigned on Monday following the country’s 2-1 Euro 2016 loss to Iceland. “What a baby, resigning just because something didn’t go his way,” said David Cameron.

4. For the fifth time in the past four years the A/C unit was stolen from a black history museum in St. Louis. But, in the thief’s defense, he claims he was just emancipating it.

5. A man named Ronald McDonald was shot outside of a Sonic restaurant in North Carolina last week. Said the man, “This is my nightmare.”

6. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Back then, ‘Chelsea Lately’ refer to her period.

7. British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned after England voted to leave the European Union. “Resign? Is that even allowed?” ask Queen Elizabeth.

8. On Friday, following the Brexit vote, actress Lindsay Lohan, who has taken up residence in London for a play, sent 31 tweets in two hours panning England’s decision to leave the E.U. and close off its borders. Although, I have to believe Lindsay immigrating and living in London had something to do with that vote.

9. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. Say what you will, but they will never run out of creamer.

10. A Pennsylvania man who claimed for years to have escaped from Auschwitz, met track and field star Jesse Owens and Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, confessed on Friday that he had fabricated the entire story. Who knew Brian Williams was from Pennsylvania?

June 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, CNN hired recently-fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. And, to really fuck with Trump, CNN also hired Marla and Ivana.

2. Music stars Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Paul McCartney, Sting, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Yoko Ono are teaming up to pressure Congress to pass stricter gun laws. Or, in Yoko Ono’s case, at least a gun with a wider shooting radius.

3. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

4. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

5. Police in Utah have a new K-9 officer trained to sniff out devices that could contain child pornography. Here’s a look at how the dog was trained:
dog attack

6. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. While DJ Jazzy Jeff regrets paying extra for guac at Chipotle.

7. A new study finds that married couples who divide up the housework evenly have better sex lives. “Does it make a difference if I call them chores and give her an allowance?” said Woody Allen.

8. A man in Australia man has promised to eat the worst Subway sandwich that commentators on the internet can think up. Which, I’m pretty sure, is Quizno’s business model.

9. A magician in the U.K. was taken to the hospital after losing a massive amount of blood during an onstage performance in which he tried to pull a playing card out of his nose. And if nose-bleeds count as magic then Charlie Sheen is fucking Houdini.

10. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

11. A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony in Brazil on Monday was shot dead after it escaped from its handlers. But, on the plus side, the guy carrying the torch ran so fast that he qualified for the 100 meter dash.

12. On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sent a tweet for only the second time since she joined Twitter in 2014. Even stranger, the tweet was bad-mouthing the new all-female “Ghostbusters.”

13. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

14. On Tuesday, ‘The Wall Street Journal’ reported that the upcoming Apple iPhone 7 will be almost identical to the iPhone 6. “I need it!” said iPhone 6 users.

15. According to a new report, tracing one’s family history is the second most common hobby in the U.S. behind gardening. Although, if you’re a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, those are one in the same.

16. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. So, if you like lobster and you have $9 you probably shouldn’t order lobster.

17. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. Not to be outdone, Burger King will just give you food poisoning.

18. In a recent interview, actor Charlie Sheen claimed that Donald Trump gave him fake diamond and platinum cuff links. But, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think Sheen would be around long enough to figure it out.

19. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. And here’s a picture from the grand opening:
diner

20. Alabama county officials refused to lower flags to half-staff to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting even after orders from President Obama and Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. Which falls in line with Alabama’s state motto, “On the wrong side of history since 1876.”
 
21. According to reports, famed Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is in talks to remake “West Side Story.” This time, my money’s on the Sharks:
jaws

22. A high school senior in Montana is staging a protest after her school demanded that she wear a bra. Said her fellow-male-protestors, “You know what I think will convince the school, jumping jacks, lots and lots of jumping jacks.”

23. Over the weekend, police in New Jersey arrested a woman after she allegedly stole 95 cents from a mall water fountain. And, just to be extra dicks about it, they set her bail at 96 cents.

24. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. So don’t be surprised if this year’s RNC is brought to you by Chico’s Bail Bonds.

25. During a speech at a campaign rally over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he feels like a supermodel. Which, I assume means, he starting to creep himself out.