Tag Archives: Oscar Pistorius

March 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Thursday morning, the newly-confirmed Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke, rode a horse to work. Big deal, this is how Trump gets to work every morning:
putin-trump

2. On Wednesday, novelist Kurt Anderson and actor Alec Baldwin announced that they are teaming up to write a satirical book about President Trump. It will be the first completely satirical book that is also non-fiction.

3. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has changed his mind and announced that he will stand during the national anthem next season. “Down in front!” said the guy sitting behind him at the Buffalo Wild Wings.

4. A Florida golf club owned by President Trump appealed a federal judge’s ruling that it pay $5.77 million to former members for refusing to refund their deposits when they wanted to resign. So, at least we know for sure Trump is familiar with the word ‘resign.’

5. On Thursday, First Lady Melania Trump visited a New York City hospital and read Dr. Seuss books to sick children. Presumably because some Make-A-Wish kid has an amazing sense of humor.

6. This week, a woman in Las Vegas created a wedding dress made entirely of empty Taco Bell wrappers. And, if she’s the reason those wrappers are empty, I’m guessing her fiancé is currently running for the border.

7. An Ohio man is being charged after several women accused him of taking off their shoes and sucking on their toes in a mall. Proving, if you put on a referee’s shirt and walk into a Lady’s Footlocker, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

8. According to a new study, straight women have fewer orgasms than straight men. When reached for comment, straight men were already fast asleep.

9. McDonald’s announced that later this year it will allow customers in the United States to order and pay via their cell phones. And I have a sneaking suspicious that your iPhone will be the only Apple involved in that transaction.

10. On Wednesday, a US-bound plane was unable to take off from Heathrow Airport after a mouse was spotted on board. Which I believe is the prequel to ‘Snakes on a Plane.’

11. According to a senior administration official, President Trump believes the “greatest immediate threat” to the U.S. is North Korea and its nuclear program. And I have to admit, having a spoiled brat, who inherited everything from his father, never truly worked a day in his life and is intent on building up his country’s nuclear program, does sound terrifying.

12. On Monday, two giant pandas at a Tokyo Zoo mated for 52-seconds after a four-year hiatus. That story again, two pandas at a Tokyo Zoo are married.

13. A Florida man was caught trying to smuggle 54 antidepressant pills into a Jacksonville prison in his rectum. Word of advice, now that you’re in prison, that’s not the best place to hid things.

14. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. And, in unrelated news, Oscar Pistorius has adopted a dog.

15. After visiting the White House, Ohio Governor John Kasich, who was a vocal opponent of Donald Trump’s while campaigning, compared his situation to being on an airplane and rooting for the pilot to succeed. But make no bones about it, Kasich was also making a mental inventory of all the things around him that could be used as a flotation device.

August 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After announcing that he will try his hand in baseball, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow is now selling autographed baseballs online for $125. It’s perfect for any Tim Tebow fan who has a baseball they want to devalue.

2. The Republican party began a campaign on Monday to get American voters living in Israel to cast absentee ballots in favor of Donald Trump. Not many people know it, but Trump is secretly a very observant Jew, otherwise why would he always be wearing that hairy yarmulke on his head?

3. On Monday, the International Olympic Committee issued an announcement saying that cheats using designer drugs or gene doping at the Rio Olympics should know they will eventually be found out. Although, it was a little presumptuous of the IOC to only release that announcement in Russian.

4. Comedian Kevin Hart married his longtime girlfriend over the weekend. The bride wore Vera Wang while Hart wore what appeared to be a tuxedo made for a child’s teddy bear.

5. Researchers have developed a map comparing the average breast sizes of women from all around the world. Even more impressive, it’s a topographical map.

6. Last week, residents of Rio de Janeiro spotted a severed leg floating in the water just a few miles from Olympics sailing events. So now, Oscar Pistorius is really mad about missing these games. They’re just giving away legs over there.

7. Yesterday, the Milwaukee Bucks hired Craig Robinson, the brother of First Lady Michelle Obama, as their vice president of player development. Not surprising that the job went to the applicant that listed “the fucking President of the United States” as his reference.

8. Reigning Olympic pole vaulting champion Jenn Shur has contracted a virus in Rio that could affect her jumping. The virus is called Knickitis.

9. Outlining his plan to fight ISIS and protect American borders, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said the U.S. needs “extreme vetting” of immigrants. Then he showed an example of the new, harsher test he had in mind:
paper

10. An auto repair shop owner in Maine was arrested after he sold a customer’s car. But, in his defense, it does sound like he repaired it.

May 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. While campaigning yesterday in Santa Fe on behalf of his wife, Bill Clinton argued for a half hour with a 24-year-old Bernie Sanders supporter. It wasn’t on the issues, he was just trying to get her number.

2. During a Hillary Clinton rally in California, two male supporters in the front row took off their shirts, prompting the Democratic candidate to say it was okay “as long as they don’t take anything else off.” So, no matter what you think of Hillary, you can’t say she doesn’t have the necessary experience to deal with Putin.

3. Actor Shia LaBeouf has been tweeting his GPS coordinates for the past week with the hope that motorists will pick him up and he’ll be able to hitchhike across the country. That story again, Shia LaBeouf has been standing in the same exact spot for the past seven days.

4. On Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas,’ a reference to how her native American heritage became a divisive campaign issue. Which means, between the two of them, at least one knows how to run a successful casino.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are fatter than ever. It’s so bad that many people got winded trying to fill out the survey.

6. According to sources, Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada, the man appointed as the new leader of the Taliban on Wednesday, was not the obvious choice coming into the election. In fact, Akhundzada won a surprising victory after beating out the early odds-on favorite, Jeb Bush.

7. A group of white supremacists have named Taylor Swift their “Aryan Goddess.” Said Kayne West, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had …”

8. In a recent interview, Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said, “Democracy is messy, everyday my life is messy.” But, I think that has less to do with democracy and more to do with the horse heads Hillary keeps putting in his bed.

9. An article on Chinese state media called Taiwan’s new female leader Tsai Ing-wen an extremist because she is unmarried. As opposed to Melania who is considered an extremist because of who she married.

10. A man in the U.K., who was left paralyzed from the waist down after a battle with cancer, used a $130,000 bionic suit to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. But, the moment was bittersweet, since the groom was Oscar Pistorius.

May 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, boxer Oscar de la Hoya said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump cheats on the golf course. “It’s not just limited to the golf course,” said Marla Maples.

2. A collection of women’s shoes and bras was discovered last week behind a hidden wall in a barn in Michigan. “Sometimes I like to dress the scarecrow up,” said a very lonely farmer.

3. Last week, police in Connecticut arrested a man accused of firing a gun into a bathroom because he thought someone was taking too long to use the facilities. “Yes, but how fast can he run?” said Oscar Pistorius.

4. On Saturday, undefeated Nyqvist won the Kentucky Derby, making it eight wins in eight races for his career. Or, the exact opposite of Carly Fiorina’s track record.

5. Last week, a seven-year-old in Virginia, who was born without hands, won a national handwriting contest. I don’t know how she managed to write, but I’m pretty sure afterwards they let her keep the pen.

6. Rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his wife of 33 years, Sharon Osbourne, have announced they are getting a divorce. Usually, when it comes to divorce there are no winners, except in this case the loser is whoever gets custody of Kelly.

7. A teacher in Utah violated school policy when he used the n-word before showing his eighth grade class the Civil War movie “Glory.” Although the school should have know something was up when the teacher insisted on showing his class “Lincoln” in reverse.

8. A woman in Ohio celebrated her 90th birthday by going skydiving with her entire family. And, once on the ground, they continued the celebration by reading the will.

9. During a TV interview on Sunday, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain suggested Paul Ryan or Joni Ernst as potential running-mates for Donald Trump. Because if there’s one thing John McCain’s good at, it’s picking VPs.

10. According to reports, rapper Jay-Z is working on a new album that will be a response to his wife Beyonce’s recent record “Lemonade,” in which she accused him of infidelity. Because apparently he’s never heard the saying ‘When wife gives you Lemonade, you should probably shut the fuck up.’

March 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Over the weekend, a woman attempted to board a flight at Baltimore-Washington International Airpot with gun-themed shoes. “You had me at ‘gun-themed’ and lost me at ‘shoes,’” said Oscar Pistorius.

2. Yesterday, a 4-year old Australian boy intrigued by a packet of Oreos was freed after his arm was stuck for hours from the first vending machine he’d ever seen in his entire life. “Whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to the Oreos?” said Chris Christie.

3. Donald Trump on Wednesday laid out for the first time how he will reform the U.S. health care system in a seven-point health care reform plan. Unfortunately, points one through six are make a tremendously great healthcare system and point seven is get Mexico to pay for it.

4. A New York judge on Wednesday urged Madonna and her ex-husband Guy Ritchie to work together to decide who should have custody over their 15 year-old son, Rocco. Said Rocco, “Is there a third option?”

5. Yesterday Lady Gaga revealed that her grandmother and aunt didn’t know she was a sexual assault survivor until her powerful Oscars performance Sunday night. The Oscar telecast is also how Mel Gibson found out that they made another a “Mad Max” movie.

6. On Wednesday, Ben Carson said he didn’t “see a political path forward” in the Republican presidential nomination process, and, thus, will not attend Thursday’s GOP presidential debate. Carson had to make this announcement ahead of the debate, because if he didn’t, no one would have noticed that he wasn’t there.

7. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said on Wednesday that he does not see a “political path forward” in his 2016 bid for the White House. Although, you tend not to see a whole lot of things when your eyes are only half-opened all the time.

8. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham said Thursday that his party needs to get behind a unity candidate to defeat Donald Trump, even if that means backing Ted Cruz. Which explains Cruz’s new campaign slogan “Ted Cruz: You Could Do Worse.”

9. A breed of sheep believed to have been raised by the Jewish patriarch Jacob may soon be brought to Israel, its Biblical homeland, after an Israeli couple gathered a herd in Canada and brokered an agreement to import the animals. Marking the first time Canada has exported any type of livestock since they shipped out that jackass Ted Cruz.

10. According to a spokesperson, the Koch brothers, the most powerful conservative mega donors in the United States, will not use their $400 million political arsenal to block Republican front-runner Donald Trump’s path to the presidential nomination. Said the Koch brothers, “$400 million? We know a guy who will get rid of him for a cool twenty grand.”

October 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Oscar Pistorius was released from prison in South Africa on Monday and placed under house arrest. And really, what kind of trouble could Pistorius get into in his own home?

2. Apple has removed hundreds of apps from the iTunes App Store that secretly collected personal information from anyone who downloaded them. Said Apple, “That is an invasion of privacy and according to our customers’ private emails, telephone conversations and diary entires, they hate that sort of thing.”

3. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. “One ticket for the Minneapolis Zoo,” said a dentist.

4. Donald Trump said Monday he is confident NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will not “dump” him from the show’s lineup. And, then to prove his point, Trump ripped up a picture of the Pope.

5. A 2 year-old in South Carolina, found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother. “You gotta charge and tackle that baby,” said Dr. Ben Carson.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he has “grave doubts” in fellow-candidate Donald Trump’s ability to appropriately handle America’s nuclear weapons. “You’re wrong,” said Trump, “I wouldn’t handle them, that would be Secretary of Defense Gary Busey’s job.”

7. President Obama and South Korean President Park Geun-hye said on Friday they were open to negotiations with North Korea, but Pyongyang needed to show it was serious about abandoning its nuclear weapons program. Said North Korea, “Does firing them at South Korea count as ‘abandoning’ them?”

8. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Tump took some heat for saying that George W. Bush must share some of the blame for the attacks on September 11th. Trump immediately backtracked, claiming he misspoke and when he said ‘some’ he meant ‘all’ and when he said ‘George’ he meant ‘Jeb.’

9. For the first time in more than 50 years, President Obama welcomed a musical band from Cuba, the Buena Vista Social Club, to the White House on Thursday. And, keeping with the theme of the night, after the event was over, Lou Bega swept-up.

10. A federal judge in Maryland has ruled that the state may start phasing out license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag as early as November. Although, if you were driving a car with a Confederate flag license plate around Baltimore, I’m pretty sure the residents already took care of that for you.

September 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, 10% of men and women admit to having orgasms while exercising. So consider this your friendly reminder, that before working out, you should always wipe off the machine.

2. On Tuesday, United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned amid a federal probe of the airline. Luckily, since Smisek was paying attention beforehand, he knew exactly where the closest exits were.

3. Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton apologized on Tuesday for using a private email server in her New York home for work while she was Secretary of State. And, considering she’s been married to Bill for almost 40 years, she really knows how to sell an apology.

4. On Tuesday, Duke University’s 2015 men’s champion basketball team visited the White House. And, unlike when most basketball teams visit, it was really easy to spot President Obama.

5. According to reports, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned down an offer to appear on Stephen Colbert’s “The Late Show” in favor of being a guest on Jimmy Fallon’s “Tonight Show.” Colbert said his mistake was extending the offer to Hillary via her official State Department email address.

6. A squirrel found dead at Lake Tahoe last month has tested positive for the plague. So now it’s just “& Dale.”

7. UCLA scientists published findings that showed a paralyzed man was able to voluntarily control his leg muscles and take steps in a robotic exoskeleton device. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius may be an actual killing machine.

8. According to a new study, workplace stress is as bad for one’s health as secondhand smoke. Which is double-bad news for Keith Richard’s co-workers.

9. On Sunday night, the NFL sent a tweet posing the question who will win this season’s SuperBowl alongside a picture of seven star quarterbacks, but leaving out Tom Brady. Looks like the NFL is holding a grudge, so for the Patriots win this year it’s gonna take some extra cheating.

10. According to a new study, snoring during sleep can put kids at risk for poor performance in school. And it’s also pretty distracting to the other kids in class.

August 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Former number one overall NBA draft pick, seven-foot tall Greg Oden, has signed a one-year to play for the Jiangsu Dragons in the Chinese Basketball League. In reaction, the Dragons’ arch-rivals, the Shanghai Sharks have signed Mothra.

2. Yesterday, Donald Trump told a boy at the Iowa state fair that he is Batman. Really Donald? Because you’re posture, clothes and overall demeanor scream Penguin.

3. Real Madrid soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo has bought an apartment for $18.5 million in New York City’s Trump Tower. Or, as the paperwork has him listed, Chris Ronaldson.

4. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

5. Northwestern University football players lost a bid to unionize on Monday when the U.S. National Labor Relations Board dismissed their case. The Northwestern football team can now “in court” to the long list of places they have lost.

6. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

7. Actor Emile Hirsch will serve 15 days in jail after he pled guilty on Monday to a misdemeanor assault charge for putting a female movie executive in a headlock at a film festival. The judge was going to sentence Hirsch to a year but then found out it was the executive who green-lit “Pixels.”

8. According to a new survey, McDonald’s is the top choice amongst consumers who crave breakfast at any hour of the day. Because giving up shouldn’t just be confined to the morning hours.

9. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Although, to be fair, they are Eskimo brothers now.

10. New York City students scored slightly higher on math and reading exams this year than previous years. Sounds like some students learned how to write their names.

June 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new survey, half of the apartment complexes in close range to two Texas Universities offer free, on-site, indoor tanning beds. When tanning expert Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi was asked for her opinion on the matter, she said, “What’s a university?”

2. According to a new survey, a powered prosthetic leg that predicts when the wearer is about to take steps on flat or inclined surfaces, or climb stairs, helped improve prosthesis control. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius’s leg will now when he’s about to commit a murder before he does.

3. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld now said that the goal of creating democracy in Iraq was “unrealistic” and that he was “concerned” when he first heard the idea floated by President George W. Bush. But not as concerned as the first time he heard the phrase “President George W. Bush.”

4. Miami Dolphins defensive lineman A.J. Francis, who earns $510,000 a year, moonlights as an Uber driver in his spare time. Francis, who knows the city well, can take passengers anywhere they want to go, unless, of course, they want to go to the playoffs.

5. Actress Jennifer Aniston honored her dead dog by having his name tattooed on her foot. She also tattooed Brad Pitt’s name on her other foot hoping the trend will continue.

6. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are reportedly making a movie about their lives. The film will be shot in IMAX to fit both Kim’s ass and Kanye’s head into the picture.

7. Germans need to overcome their traditional fear of the large scale collection of personal data by companies and instead embrace its opportunities or risk being marginalized in the global economy, Chancellor Angela Merkel said on Tuesday. Or, at least, that’s what she wrote in a private email to one of her advisors.

8. New research suggests, constant stress on the job doesn’t necessarily lead to people gaining weight. So, yeah, you’re doing that now you’re own, tubby.

9. In a new magazine spread, singer Miley Cyrus poses naked, covered in mud, wrestling a pig. So I guess she really is Billy Ray’s daughter.

10. In an interview over the weekend, GOP presidential candidate Lindsey Graham said, “If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she’s welcome in my party … I’m into addition.” Unfortunately Caitlyn’s a little more focused on subtraction at the present moment.

June 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Sunday night, police in riot gear were called in after a melee erupted as attendees to a hip-hop concert in New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium tried to forcefully enter without tickets. Security personnel for the stadium, which is home to the New York Jets, needed extra help because they were not used to people rushing to get into the stadium.

2. The Danish government has proposed a bill that by 2016 could make Denmark the first cashless country in the world. Of course, people will still be able to use cash to buy essential goods like medical care, postage stamps and plane tickets out of Denmark.

3. A rally is planned for Monday in the town of McKinney calling for the firing of a police officer seen in a viral video throwing a black teenager to the ground and pointing his pistol at other youths at a pool party disturbance. Said the office, “A rally! Great, I’ll get my riot gear.”

4. A U.S. court revived a lawsuit accusing Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and others of violating telemarketing laws by sending millions of prerecorded phone messages to advertise the 2012 movie “Last Ounce of Courage.” Which I assume is a movie about sitting through a prerecorded phone message from Mike Huckabee.

5. President Obama said on Monday that he was confident the Supreme Court would not rule against his healthcare law, describing it as an “easy case” that should never have been taken up by the court. Making him the most confident black man with a court date in the history of America.

6. According to a new study, roughly three in 10 U.S. adults have a drinking problem or have misused alcohol at some point in the past. That story again, people are good at lying.

7. A new study finds that more than one in four U.S. children are exposed to weapon violence before their eighteenth birthday, either as victims or witnesses. A number that actor Vince Vaughn calls “shamefully low.”

8. New England Patriot linebacker Brandon Spikes, being investigated for possible involvement in a hit-and-run accident, was released by the team on Monday. Considering the team, I wouldn’t be surprised if the cause of the accident was low tire pressure.

9. South African athlete Oscar Pistorius will be released on parole on August 21 after surviving just 10 months of a five-year sentence for killing his girlfriend. So, for once, having something cut short is good news for Oscar Pistorius.

10. After less than a week in office as mayor of Akron, Ohio, Garry Moneypenny said on Friday that he’s resigning due to his inappropriate behavior with a city employee who had come into his office to congratulate him on his new job. Said Moneypenny, “Can someone please invite that employee to my farewell party.”