Tag Archives: the Tonight Show

November 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. “So many mixed emotions,” said KKK members.

2. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. Or, as Carson tells it, “I did travel back in time and chose not to.”

3. The international investigation into alleged doping inside Russian athletics could spread to other Russian sports since they used the same laboratory that now stands accused of covering up failed drugs tests. Because, as Ukraine will tell you, Russia is good at spreading out into other areas.

4. The rare and flawless “Blue Moon Diamond” sold for $48.4 million to a Hong Kong buyer on Wednesday. The last time a diamond ended up costing that much money, Elin Nordegren said “I do.”

5. A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first ever combination pot store and gas station. And you thought it was hard remembering which side your gas tank was on before.

6. Republican Donald Trump said, if elected president, Americans will be saying “Merry Christmas” again. “Happy Hanukkah” will also be acceptable, but “Feliz Navidad” will get you deported.

7. After Donald Trump’s appearance on SNL, NBC may be forced to give airtime to the other Republican presidential candidates under the equal air time rule. As a result, Jeb Bush will appear on “the Biggest Loser, Chris Christie will go on “American Ninja Warrior,” Mike Huckabee will appear on “Undateable,” Dr. Ben Carson will show up on “the Tonight Show,” but he’ll insist he was on “the Today Show,” and Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum and Lindsey Graham will all guest star on “Grimm.”

8. Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger has teamed up with the Oakland Raiders and San Diego Chargers to try to build them a stadium in L.A. If he successfully builds a stadium that will house both the Raiders and Chargers, it will undoubtedly be known as the unhappiest place on Earth.

9. Authorities said on Wednesday that a zombie apocalypse had not occurred in central Wisconsin despite the discovery of an empty casket along a rural highway over the weekend. And, even if it did, once the zombies realized they were in Wisconsin, they would probably die again from boredom anyway.

10. Actor Shia LaBoeuf is currently in the middle of a 72-hour film festival/art piece where he will watch all of his films in chronological order at a New York City theater that is open and free to the public. Also free to the public, not watching.

September 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, 10% of men and women admit to having orgasms while exercising. So consider this your friendly reminder, that before working out, you should always wipe off the machine.

2. On Tuesday, United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned amid a federal probe of the airline. Luckily, since Smisek was paying attention beforehand, he knew exactly where the closest exits were.

3. Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton apologized on Tuesday for using a private email server in her New York home for work while she was Secretary of State. And, considering she’s been married to Bill for almost 40 years, she really knows how to sell an apology.

4. On Tuesday, Duke University’s 2015 men’s champion basketball team visited the White House. And, unlike when most basketball teams visit, it was really easy to spot President Obama.

5. According to reports, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned down an offer to appear on Stephen Colbert’s “The Late Show” in favor of being a guest on Jimmy Fallon’s “Tonight Show.” Colbert said his mistake was extending the offer to Hillary via her official State Department email address.

6. A squirrel found dead at Lake Tahoe last month has tested positive for the plague. So now it’s just “& Dale.”

7. UCLA scientists published findings that showed a paralyzed man was able to voluntarily control his leg muscles and take steps in a robotic exoskeleton device. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius may be an actual killing machine.

8. According to a new study, workplace stress is as bad for one’s health as secondhand smoke. Which is double-bad news for Keith Richard’s co-workers.

9. On Sunday night, the NFL sent a tweet posing the question who will win this season’s SuperBowl alongside a picture of seven star quarterbacks, but leaving out Tom Brady. Looks like the NFL is holding a grudge, so for the Patriots win this year it’s gonna take some extra cheating.

10. According to a new study, snoring during sleep can put kids at risk for poor performance in school. And it’s also pretty distracting to the other kids in class.

August 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Wednesday was both National Vinyl Records day and National Middle Child day. So, if you know a middle child, hopefully you wished them a happy Vinyl Records day.

2. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Said Cookie Monster, “Now I can finally tell you what else ‘C’ is for.”

3. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. But, to be fair, Big Bird has always shown full-frontal.

4. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Said an unsuspecting parent, “Oh, look, a show called ‘Girls,’ that’s probably for kids too.”

5. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. HBO hasn’t aired a show featuring the many infantile characters who can’t read since “Entourage” went off the air.

6. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Which means the language used by the people who dress up like those characters in Times Square will be much more accurate now.

7. A new study found that elementary schoolers are being given more homework than recommended by experts. While another study found that most experts are just two kids on each other’s shoulders in a lab coat.

8. Justin Bieber announced this week that he will release a new album on November 13th. Which I assume is a Friday.

9. Justin Bieber announced this week that he will release a new album on November 13th. Just in time for you to buy it as a present and ruin someone’s Christmas.

10. Lawyers for the NFL and its players’ union returned to court on Thursday to discuss a possible settlement agreement in the Tom Brady ‘Deflategate’ case. Or, according to courtroom sketches, a team of goblins challenged a group of horses in suits to a game of Chinese checkers.

11. A pair of Mississippi newlyweds have been arrested for allegedly using their honeymoon as cover to travel to Syria and join ISIS. Family members became suspicious when the couple added “next week” after the “til death do you part” line.

12. On Thursday, NBC extended Jimmy Fallon’s deal by six years, meaning he will host “the Tonight Show” through 2021. Which means somewhere in California, Jay Leno just circled ‘January 1st, 2022’ on his calendar.

13. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush accused President Obama of not ensuring that Iraq remained stable after the war. Which is kinda like Casey Affleck blaming the failure of “Gigli” on Jennifer Lopez.

14. Apple said it has hired over 11,000 women globally this year, 65 percent more than the previous year. And, in a related story, Donald Trump has switched to Samsung.

15. According to Bloomberg, Apple will delay the debut of its live TV service until at least next year. They haven’t even started and there’s already a delay, seems like they got the hang of being a cable provider pretty quickly.

16. Tennis player Nick Kyrgios has been fined $10,000 for insulting his opponent Stan Wawrinka’s girlfriend to his face in the middle of a match. But, on the plus-side, I think Trump just found his new campaign manager.

17. The White House on Thursday released a list of six books President Obama will be reading during his current vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. They also released a list of the six books Vice President Joe Biden will be coloring over his vacation.

18. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian posted a nude selfie of herself on Instagram to prove that she is in fact pregnant. Hey Kim, no one was skeptical that you had sex.

19. Yesterday, daredevil Nik Wallenda accomplished his scariest feat yet, walking above the Milwaukee Mile racetrack during the Wisconsin State Fair. Yikes, you had be at Milwaukee.

20. A Texas man who pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge for punching his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend was given a choice between marrying her or going to jail for the crime. Which is really a choice between keeping his girlfriend or becoming someone’s girlfriend.

21. North Korea is creating its own time zone by pushing back their clocks by a half-hour. Now, if they were to turn back the clocks by twenty years that would make their interest in Dennis Rodman understandable.

22. A female grizzly bear was euthanized Thursday after attacking a hiker in Yellowstone National Park last week. It’s a shame that bear won’t be able to live a long life and die of natural causes, like being shot by a dentist.

23. The bottom part of a pair of Nike cleats worn by a high school football player in Texas melted while practicing in 106 degree heat this week. “Wow, 106 degrees, those are pretty tough conditions to work in,” said the Chinese kid who made the shoe, sarcastically.

24. A machine that converts human feces in drinkable water will get its first test run this week in Senegal. Or, as it’s being reported in Senegal, “Free water, no questions please.”

August 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. There’s a new trend on the dating app Tinder in which images of puppies in need of homes have begun popping up. “Does Tinder have one d or two” said Michael Vick.

2. As of yesterday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s marriage became 73 days long, which is a significant number since Kim’s previous marriage to Kris Humphries only lasted 72 days. The couple credited their longevity to keeping things interesting in the bedroom, in particular, they put mirrors on both sides of their bed so that each of them can wake up and immediately see the person they love the most.

3. According to a new study, a clean bedroom isn’t as crucial to a child’s development as parents might expect. “What about just a bedroom in general?” said the Octomom.

4. A study released on Monday found that Hollywood has not meaningfully increased the number of minority characters on the big screen, with Hispanics being the most underrepresented demographic. Looks like someone never saw 2005’s “the Constant Gardener.”

5. A grieving Texas man is planning a second burial service for his mother after a mortuary mistakenly placed the wrong body in a grave on top of his father. Said the son, “I guess my mother was right when she told my father that he could have a threesome ‘over her dead body.’”

6. A grieving Texas man is planning a second burial service for his mother after a mortuary mistakenly placed the wrong body in a grave on top of his father. Even worse, his father wasn’t dead.

7. When the Detroit Lions take the field for practice Wednesday night, their quarterbacks will be donning neon green jerseys made from recycled plastic bottles. Said a representative for the team, “After 56 years of underwhelming play at that position, our quarterbacks are now officially garbage.”

8. On Monday, hospital officials in New York City announced they are testing a man who just returned from West Africa who is exhibiting signs of the Ebola virus. Although it seems like it would take a lot less time to test the people in New York City who don’t look like they have Ebola.

9. According to campaign finance documents, supporters of a recreational marijuana ballot initiative in Oregon have raised $1 million in their effort to legalize the use of the drug. The initiative was able to raise that much money very quickly because stoners would donate, forget they did so and then donate again.

10. Last night, Jimmy Fallon hosted his 100th episode of “the Tonight Show.” Celebrities expressed their congratulations in different ways, Stephen Colbert sent a cake, David Letterman sent a card and Jay Leno sent a gift-wrapped present that seemed to be ticking.

February 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new report, the peak times that women on the New York City subway system report being sexually harassed is between 8 and 10 am and 4 and 6 pm. But, in my defense, I thought she was coming on to me when she asked how to “catch the F-train.”

2. Tony Mack, Mayor of Trenton, New Jersey, was found guilty of federal extortion and bribery charges on Friday. The judged sentenced Mack to a life sentence of living in Trenton, New Jersey.

3. Florida’s own online health insurance marketplace is expected to launch later this week. But experts don’t have high hopes for the endeavor as it combines two things most residents of Florida don’t have, a working knowledge of the internet and time to spare.

4. Jay Leno’s send-off as the host of “The Tonight Show” drew 14.6 million viewers, topping the audience that tuned in when the host left for the first time in 2009. That’s impressive, and just think how high the ratings will be when he leaves again in 2018.

5. Cheyenne Woods, the 23-year-old niece of Tiger Woods, won her first professional tournament, the Australian Masters, on Sunday. Said Tiger, “Niece, right? With my history you can never be too sure.”

6. An El Paso man faces up to 18 months in jail after pleading guilty to urinating on the Alamo. Which explains the Alamo’s new slogan, “Remember to wash your hands after visiting the Alamo.”

7. On Sunday, Marius, a health male giraffe living at the Copenhagen Zoo, was euthanized by employees, dismembered in front of an audience that included children and fed to the zoo’s lions. “Thank god for fieldtrip permission slips,” said the principal of a local school.

8. On Sunday, Marius, a health male giraffe living at the Copenhagen Zoo, was euthanized by employees, dismembered in front of an audience that included children and fed to the zoo’s lions. But it is good to know that the memory of Marius will live on in the nightmares of those children forever.

9. Over the weekend, the U.S. government announced that it plans to extend recognition of same-sex marriage in federal legal matters to include bankruptcies, prison visits and survivor benefits. Seems like we might be wasting our time championing gay rights in prison, I think they got that one covered on their own.

10. The U.S. Postal Service narrowed losses last quarter, as a surge in online shopping and package delivery boosted revenues during the holiday season. Proving, once again, the best way to use the Post Office is to never step foot in the Post Office.

Monologue Jokes – June 25, 2013

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1. Director George Lucas wed his longtime girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, over the weekend. Asked why it took so long to tie the knot, Lucas replied, “I had to make sure she loved me for me, so I made those shitty Star Wars prequels as a test.”

2. Director George Lucas wed his longtime girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, over the weekend. Said Star Wars fans everywhere, “How’d you do that?”

3. Yesterday actor Jim Carrey took to Twitter to distance himself from his upcoming movie “Kick Ass 2,” tweeting, “I did Kickass [months ago] and now in all good conscience I cannot support that level of violence.” Begging the question, what do we have to do to get Carrey to apologize for “Mr. Popper’s Penguins.”

4. A man, who tried to rob a group of people waiting in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneakers, was shot and killed when one of the customers pulled a gun. After the incident, those customers went into the shoe store and were robbed by Nike.

5. A panel of judges on Monday sentenced former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to seven years in prison for abusing power and having sex with an underage prostitute. “Cancel my trip to Italy,” said every politician in the world.

6. A collection of items used in the investigation of former White House intern Monica Lewinsky’s sexual encounters with then U.S. President Bill Clinton are set to be auctioned off online. Experts say it is the first time in the history of the internet that if you buy a dress online, you can’t return it for being stained.

7. Hip hop artist Fat Joe was sentenced on Monday to four months in federal prison and fined $15,000 for failure to file tax returns on more than $3.3 million in income. Finally answering the question, what ever happened to Fat Joe?

8. Last night, Jimmy Kimmel hosted his late night talk show with a black eye. In an unrelated story, Jay Leno hosted his show with a bruised hand.

9. Yesterday, media outlets and the U.S. government lost track of fugitive Edward Snowden after he didn’t board a flight from Russia to Cuba as expected. I feel like we’re only a few days away from hearing that Snowden is now dating Manti Te’o.

10. U.S. intelligence agencies are worried they do not yet know how much highly sensitive material is in the possession of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. At what point do we stop calling them “intelligence” agencies?

Monologue Jokes – April 4, 2013

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1. After serving five years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, linebacker Brian Banks has signed a contract to play in the NFL with the Atlanta Falcons.  A linebacker who went to jail for a crime he didn’t commit, then got a shot at the NFL, so it’s the exact opposite of the Ray Lewis story.

2. Outspoken Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would draft female college basketball player Brittney Griner in the upcoming 2013 NBA Draft if she was the best remaining player available. So let me be the first to congratulate the Dallas Mavericks on securing the first pick in the 2014 NBA Draft. 

3. Outspoken Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would draft female college basketball player Brittney Griner in the upcoming NBA Draft is she was the best remaining player available. Seems like a good idea, if only because Dirk Nowizki won’t look so ugly by comparison when the two are on the court together. 

4. According to a senior administration official, President Obama will put five percent of his paycheck into the federal government’s coffers in a show of unity with furloughed federal workers. Not to be outdone, Vice President Biden has agreed to donate all the coins in his piggy bank. There a lot in there, he’s been saving up for a bouncy house. 

5. Tyler Perry has received heavy criticism for the perceived message contained in his latest movie that HIV is God’s punishment for people’s sins. Okay, but that doesn’t explain what we did so wrong to deserve Tyler Perry movies. 

6. After losing his voice and much of his jaw as a result of thyroid cancer, film critic Roger Ebert announced on Wednesday that he is once again battling cancer. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d rather be Siskel than Ebert. 

7. Two men who police found outside the home of British singer-songwriter Joss Stone is 2011 were found guilty on Wednesday of plotting to rob and kill the singer. You may be asking yourself, what took so long? Much of the trial consisted of explaining to the jury who the fuck Joss Stone is. 

8. It has been reported that a Saudi court has sentenced a man to be paralyzed as retribution for having paralyzed another man. If you think that’s bad, you should see what they do to people who commit sodomy. 

9. On Wednesday, Jay Leno confirmed that he’s once again departing “The Tonight Show.” Although it is a little suspicious that every sentence in the press release ended in a question mark, so maybe let’s just wait and see what happens. 

10. On Wednesday, Jay Leno confirmed that he’s once again departing “The Tonight Show.”  Many have speculated that Leno could follow former Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien over to TBS, but that seems unlikely since TBS’s mottos is “Very Funny.”

Monologue Jokes – April 3, 2013

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1. The History Channel’s miniseries “The Bible” aired its finale on Sunday night to great ratings. Said the producers, “Nailed it.”

2. On Tuesday, ESPN released a video showing Rutgers University men’s basketball head coach Mike Rice shoving players, hurling balls at their heads and berating them with homophobic slurs and profanity during practices. In response, former coach Bobby Knight said, “Don’t forget to call them pussies. Keep up the good work.”

3. Last week, a grand jury in Atlanta, Georgia indicted 35 educators due to their involvement in a county-wide cheating scandal. When reached for comment, former students said, “Me no think they go to jail. They nice ladies. Oooh, shiny thing.”

4. New York Yankees second basemen Robinson Cano has fired his long-time agent and hired rapper Jay-Z to represent him. Not to be outdone, yesterday DJ Jazzy Jeff sang the national anthem for the Mets.

5. On Sunday, model Heidi Klum rescued her own son from the ocean after he was swept away by a rip current. You would think a kid whose father is named Seal would be a better swimmer.

6. Actress Lindsay Lohan revealed her pregnancy tweet was, in fact, an April Fool’s joke. Which comes as a relief to the many, many, many, many, many, many men who thought they could possibly be the father, but, bad news, you still have syphilis.

7. Last night, late night hosts Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon sang “Tonight” from the musical “West Side Story” as a nod to the speculation that Fallon will take over for Leno as Tonight Show host. They know that musical ended with a gang knife fight in the streets, right?

8. A high-ranking Democratic New York State senator was arrested and charged with trying to buy a place on the Republican ticket in the city’s next mayoral race. He was immediately elected mayor of Chicago.

9. A suspended Roman Catholic priest pled guilty Tuesday to a federal charge of conspiracy to distribute crystal methamphetamine. Now his ability to hold 24-hour confessionals makes more sense.

10. On Monday, President Obama shot some hoops for a photo-op outside the White House, but only made two out of twenty-two shots from the free-throw line. In response, Shaq said, “Can you teach me how to do that?”

Monologue Jokes – March 21, 2013

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1. Harry Reems, the porn star best known for playing Dr. Young in the adult film “Deep Throat” died on Tuesday. His funeral will mark the first time ever Reems has caused people to use tissues for their intended purpose.

2. LeBron James and the Miami Heat came back from a 27-point deficit to beat the Cleveland Cavaliers and extend their winning streak to twenty-four games. But cheer up Cleveland … yeah, I got nothing.

3. Two Kenyan marathon runners have been banned after testing positive for banned substances, this coming on the heels of suspensions for three other marathoners from the east African nation last month. What was the banned substance? Shoes.

4. Have you heard this one? Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. In an unrelated story, Jimmy Fallon has been run over by a 1936 steam-powered Studebaker. The police have no suspects.

5. Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. In a related story, Jay Leno has handcuffed himself to his desk.

6. Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. So enjoy your new show on TBS, Jimmy.

7. Yesterday the internet was ablaze with speculation that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Jay Leno as the host of the Tonight Show as soon as 2014. It will be interesting to see Fallon try to interview guests over Jay’s dead body.

8. Restaurant chain Chipotle has given Nationals centerfielder Bryce Harper a card that grants him free burritos for life. That’s nothing, Taco Bell has been giving me free diarrhea for years.

9. President Obama is in the Middle East today talking peace with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. But don’t get your hopes up, I’ve seen the President’s rebounding skills, and he’s no Rodman.

10. March Madness officially begins today with the start of the second round of the NCAA tournament. So be sure to get your picks in before noon or, if you want to cut out the middle-man, just give Betty, the secretary at your office who knows nothing about basketball and will undoubtedly win the pool, your $20.