September 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 10% of men and women admit to having orgasms while exercising. So consider this your friendly reminder, that before working out, you should always wipe off the machine.

2. On Tuesday, United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned amid a federal probe of the airline. Luckily, since Smisek was paying attention beforehand, he knew exactly where the closest exits were.

3. Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton apologized on Tuesday for using a private email server in her New York home for work while she was Secretary of State. And, considering she’s been married to Bill for almost 40 years, she really knows how to sell an apology.

4. On Tuesday, Duke University’s 2015 men’s champion basketball team visited the White House. And, unlike when most basketball teams visit, it was really easy to spot President Obama.

5. According to reports, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned down an offer to appear on Stephen Colbert’s “The Late Show” in favor of being a guest on Jimmy Fallon’s “Tonight Show.” Colbert said his mistake was extending the offer to Hillary via her official State Department email address.

6. A squirrel found dead at Lake Tahoe last month has tested positive for the plague. So now it’s just “& Dale.”

7. UCLA scientists published findings that showed a paralyzed man was able to voluntarily control his leg muscles and take steps in a robotic exoskeleton device. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius may be an actual killing machine.

8. According to a new study, workplace stress is as bad for one’s health as secondhand smoke. Which is double-bad news for Keith Richard’s co-workers.

9. On Sunday night, the NFL sent a tweet posing the question who will win this season’s SuperBowl alongside a picture of seven star quarterbacks, but leaving out Tom Brady. Looks like the NFL is holding a grudge, so for the Patriots win this year it’s gonna take some extra cheating.

10. According to a new study, snoring during sleep can put kids at risk for poor performance in school. And it’s also pretty distracting to the other kids in class.

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