February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

June 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Google revealed on Tuesday that the most-searched-for jobs are government jobs. Or, more accurately, how to get out of government jobs:

2. Paul McCartney announced this week that he will tour Australia for the first time in over twenty years. Said Australians, “Come to think of it, we haven’t seen John in a while either.”

3. It was alleged yesterday that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn failed to reported yet another foreign trip involving Russia. Although, at this point, I think it’s safe to call Flynn’s trips to America his foreign trips.

4. On Tuesday, three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis announced that he is retiring from acting. Which is the same announcement my wife gave me in bed after we got married.

5. A Texas woman, who police said packed a loaded pistol in her vagina, has been sentenced to probation after she pleaded guilty. Said the judge, “Is there any room up there for an ankle monitor?”

6. Saudi Arabia’s King Salman has appointed his 31-year-old son Mohammed bin Salman as crown prince and, thus, his immediate successor. Said Trump, “Does he not have a son-in-law?”

7. A Florida woman was arrested after trying to get rid of her 2-year-old son by offering him to complete strangers. “I don’t understand, did she not have a car with a trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has become the latest member of the Trump administration to retain a personal lawyer. According to reports, Sessions first question for his new attorney was, “What’s this Constitution thingy I keep hearing about?”

9. A Russian Orthodox priest claims that beards guards against homosexuality. “Trust me, we don’t” said Kelly Preston.

10. A man in the U.K., who was sent home from work for wearing shorts, came back wearing a dress. Good news, he was allowed to wear the dress, bad news, he now makes 30% less.

March 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

2. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

3. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

4. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. And, if you think that’s bad, a crazy person has been on the premises for the past 59 days:

5. According to a new study, men who routinely do intense or long workouts may have a lower than average libido. “You may want to reexamine those numbers,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exhausted maid.

6. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

7. According to research, the Tsimane people who live in the forests of Bolivia have the healthiest hearts in the world. In response, former President Bill Clinton asked, “What’s they’re secret?” while current President Donald Trump asked, “What’s a heart?”

8. Hillary Clinton said Friday she’s “ready to come out of the woods” and help Americans find common ground. I wonder what made her want to leave the woods now:

9. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

10. Over the weekend, the NSA called allegations from the White House that President Obama directed a British spy agency to wiretap Donald Trump during the presidential campaign “arrant nonsense.” Although it is weird that the NSA misspelled “Aryan.”

February 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1.Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and U.S. President Donald Trump are set to meet today in Washington. And, when they stand next to each other for the requisite photo-op, it will look like a before-and-after ad for either the best or worst product in the world.

2. CNN anchor Chris Cuomo said last week, using the term ‘fake news’ towards journalist is equivalent to saying racial slurs like the n-word. Said President Trump, “Well, I’m running out of things to call Don Lemon.”

3. After the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the temporary retraining order against Donald Trump’s recent immigration ban, the president tweeted, “SEE YOU IN COURT.” Which, coincidentally, were also his wedding vows with Ivana, Marla and Melania.

4. A man in Plymouth, Massachusetts, angry at the town’s decision to build a statue of a Shakespeare character, announced plans to build a rival statue across the street of an erect penis. Although, according to the man’s wife, it would be more apt to call it memorial.

5. NBC News is reporting that Russia is considering turning former-NSA employee Edward Snowden over to the U.S. as ‘a gift’ to President Trump. Which is weird, because I was under the impression Russia already gave Trump a pretty big gift:
trump-election

6. The owner of a trendy Washington-area gym lashed out at Ivanka Trump over Facebook after finding out the president’s eldest daughter used an alias to took her exercise class. Ivanka wanted to be anonymous so she used the name ‘Tiffany Trump.’

7. Actor Richard Gere said on Friday that President Trump has managed to merge the meaning of the words “refugee” and “terrorist” in the minds of many Americans. Trump is also credited with merging the words “daughter” and “wife”:
trump-ivanka

8. Austrian authorities are investigating reports of a man appearing in public in Adolf Hitler’s birthplace as the Nazi dictator’s double, including the distinctive mustache, haircut and clothing. “So I didn’t just dream that!” said Steve Bannon.

9. Researchers in Austria say dogs can mirror the personality of their owners. And I believe it: weiner

10. A newspaper in the Dominican Republic is apologizing after publishing a photo of the Alec Baldwin alongside a caption identifying him as, “Donald Trump, president of the USA.” The newspaper is also apologizing for mistakenly referring to this picture of an angry thumb as “Press Secretary Sean Spicer”:
thumb

April 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two women, with the help of a psychic medium, tried to have sex with a ghost. That story again, Hugh Hefner has two new girlfriends.

2. On Friday, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill that enables religious worshipers to carry guns into the churches. Said one church-goer, “No, peace be with you, motherfucker!”

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump revealed on Thursday that his favorite bible verse is “an eye for an eye.” Which explains this picture:
Jeb

4. President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama released their tax returns on Friday showing they made $436,065 in 2015. Or, as Hillary Clinton thinks of it, two Wall Street speeches.

5. McDonald’s Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook received a 368% raise in 2015. “Wow, that’s almost double!” said McDonald’s employees.

6. On Saturday, Pope Francis visited a Syrian refugee camp in Greece and brought 12 refugees home with him. ”Ugh, I just sent him there to pick up two refugees. He had a list!” said the Pope’s wife.

7. Actors Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Kevin Hart are reportedly in talks to star in a reboot of “Jumanii.” It will be perfect for anyone who loved “Jumanji” but always wished it was less watchable.

8. In a candid interview with many revelations, Monica Lewkinsky opened up about her affair with President Clinton saying “the shame sticks to you like tar.” Although, the most interesting revelation in the article is that Lewinsky’s go to 3-letter work for a stick substance is ‘tar.’

9. It was announced over the weekend that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is now an electronic dance music artist and is set to release his first techno song this May. Okay, now I’m on board with arresting him.

10. Pepper, an ‘emotional’ humanoid robot has enrolled in a high school in Japan, becoming the first ever robot to ‘study’ alongside human students. Pepper has become so good at becoming a high school student that he already has a girlfriend, it’s a toaster, but she goes to a different school so you don’t know her.

November 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Arkansas has rejected a proposed amendment to legalize marijuana in the state due to errors of grammar, punctuation and spelling in the proposed bill. No word on whether the errors were because the person penning the bill was high or just from Arkansas.

2. Wednesday night, after going 4-for-11 in shooting, Cleveland Cavalier superstar LeBron James ripped the sleeves off his jersey and played the rest of the game that way. James did so on the advice of his shooting coach Larry the Cable Guy.

3. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush’s new e-book is entitled “Reply All.” Because, much like the most common response to reply all emails, for the past eight years and the foreseeable future Jeb will be out of office.

4. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump released his new book entitled “Crippled America.” And, much like Trump himself, it is very easy to put down.

5. This week Twitter changed from offering a star to ‘favorite’ tweets to a heart to ‘like’ tweets saying, “You might like a lot of things but not everything can be your favorite.” Which can only mean one thing, Twitter has never seen Jimmy Fallon introduce guests on the Tonight Show.

6. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee failed to qualify for next Tuesday’s prime-time Republican presidential debate, which will feature a smaller field of eight candidates, Fox Business said on Thursday. Christie and Huckabee said they knew they were in trouble when they heard Fox Business wanted to ‘thin out’ the field.

7. According to reports, a new, more limited system for monitoring Americans’ phone calls for signs of terrorism is so slow and cumbersome that the U.S. National Security Agency will likely never use it. That story again, the NSA uses Sprint.

8. In a recent interview, 4’7’’ sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer said she does not endorse threesomes. But is in favor of two-and-a-halfsomes.

9. Animal rights advocates are seeking homes for scores of dogs raised for South Korea’s canine meat market but sent to the U.S. for adoption after their breeder switched to growing rice. “I’ll take ‘em all,” said good-samaritan Smicheal Svick:
Vick

10. Republican presidential candidates Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal all went pheasant hunting last weekend. Although the pheasants weren’t worried at all because they knew those candidates don’t have a shot.

11. A man in Texas stabbed his roommate during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. Yeah, they didn’t call him COLONEL Sanders for nothing.

12. Vice President Joe Biden and European Union Chief Executive Jean-Claude Juncker discussed the need to craft a new transatlantic data-sharing agreement during a phone call on Tuesday. The phone call took much longer than expected because Biden kept asking Juncker if he was related to Jean Claude Van Damme.

13. Comedian Jon Stewart has signed a deal with HBO to produce short-form digital content on current events. “That’s weird, if he wants to keep telling jokes why didn’t he just go get his old job back?” said Jay Leno.

14. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush attacked rival Marco Rubio’s record of missed Senate votes, saying it showed Rubio had “given up” on breaking through the political gridlock in Washington. Good to see Bush is familiar with the phrase “give up” because I get the sense he will be saying it in the not-too-distant future.

15. Golf announcer David Feherty said the game urgently needs a bigger ball to keep the average amateur golfer interested. “I cannot tell you how much I disagree with using larger balls,” said Tom Brady.

September 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday it was reported that the NFL’s appeal of the reversal of Patriot quarterback Tom Brady’s Deflategate suspension won’t be heard until 2016. Causing Brady to learn a phrase that Jets fans are all too familiar with, ‘Wait till next year.’

2. During a soccer match in Brazil, a referee pulled out a gun after tempers boiled over on the field. Said the players, “No fair, why does he get to use his hands?”

3. On Tuesday, former NSA contractor and whistleblower Edward Snowden joined Twitter. Hopefully because he saw the humor in people receiving a notification that reads “Edward Snowden is following you.”

4. Researchers say that today’s larger, thinner TVs topple over more easily, thus resulting in an increased risk for injuring or even killing small children. Even worse, if used properly, the kid might survive and have to watch “The Mysteries of Laura.”

5. A contract signed by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr sold at auction at Sotheby’s on Tuesday for over $550,000. It would have sold for more, but, like I said, it was signed by Ringo.

6. The Japanese company Softbang was forced to issue a reminder to its customers that its humanoid robot Pepper is not designed to be used in a sexual manner. And, in related news, tons of Japanese men are attempting to return slightly used Peppers.

7. In a recent interview, former President Bill Clinton likened his wife, Hillary’s email scandal to the same Republican and media tactics used to stir up controversy during his presidency. Which is an apt comparison because, just like the blue dress, Hillary wasn’t able to scrub her hard-drive clean.

8. 47-year-old Kelly Gissendaner, who was on death row for murder, was executed last night in Georgia despite receiving a last-minute letter from the Pope. Unfortunately for Gissendaner, the letter read “Say hey to Jesus for me.”

9. On Tuesday, Lady Gaga was named woman of the year by Billboard magazine. Luckily for Taylor Swift, a lot of very passive aggressive words rhyme with ‘billboard.’

10. Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush is set to introduce a healthcare plan to replace Obamacare that is being called Bushcare. And if the plan is as creative as the name, get ready to be very underwhelmed.

May 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Verizon bought AOL for $4.4 billion because it’s still illegal to actually set money on fire.

2. A man in China was arrested for attempting to smuggle heroin into the country hidden in his foreskin. As he was being hauled away, the man could be heard yelling, “Tell everyone it was a lot of heroin!”

3. Kim Kardashian has been criticized for using too much water on her front lawn during the ongoing drought in California. And, of course, people are also criticizing her for the amount of oil she’s been using on her ‘backyard.’

4. Former President Bill Clinton said on Tuesday, he will move back into the White House if his wife Hillary wins the presidency next year. Adding, he’s never been in a house with so many choices of couches to sleep on.

5. One of Kanye West’s ex-girlfriends recently accused him of using ghostwriters to come up with his music. “That’s not 100% true. When I wrote ’Niggas in Paris’ I never thought of setting it to music,” said Paula Deen.

6. An anonymous group of New York Jets fans took a shot at Patriots quarterback Tom Brady by purchasing space on twelve electronic billboards in New Jersey with the message “#TomShady.” Although calling them “an anonymous group of Jets fans” seems redundant.

7. According to a new study, people with more education and higher socioeconomic status, generally white males, tend to drink more than others. So thank God Billy Joel never went to college because he’d probably be dead by now.

8. The Word Health Organization is advising scientists to stop naming diseases after people. Which is good news for patient zeros and great news for those scientists’ ex-wives.

9. Scientists have discovered a way to return sight to blind mice. It was actually a simple fix, they just stopped showing the mice pictures of Star Jones in a bikini.

10. Over the weekend, President Obama surprised three mothers by calling them unannounced and wishing them a happy Mother’s Day. Obama decided not to ask them how their special day was going since the NSA already filled him in.

October 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Renee Zellweger is causing a stir after showing up on the red carpet of an event almost unrecognizable, leading many to speculate about the work she has had done to her face. Critics are calling her a sad example of what Hollywood can do to a person, while Bruce Jenner is calling her for her doctor’s number.

2. According to Domino’s latest earnings report, profits are up 16% and the company added 160 stores in the last quarter alone. “You’re welcome,” said Washington and Colorado.

3. In a recent interview, Senator Elizabeth Warren said she has been treated differently as a woman in the upper chamber of Congress. Said her fellow-Senators, “I’d like to get a look at her upper chamber.”

4. “Track 3” from the Taylor Swift’s new album shot to No. 1 on iTunes in Canada despite the fact that it is just eight seconds of white noise. Or, as it is known in Canada, noise.

5. A nurse at a Los Angeles hospital took a photo of a woman who gouged out her eyes with pencils and now the patient is suing the hospital after the picture went viral online. The patient said the last straw was the nurse continually pointing out the irony that she was being treated in the ICU.

6. Yesterday, the CDC said that anyone flying to the U.S. from Ebola-infected countries will be monitored for three weeks. While all Americans will continue to be monitored by the NSA all the time.

7. Another man jumped over the White House fence Wednesday night, but this time the intruder barely made it onto the lawn before being taken down Secret Service. These people know they give tours of the White House, right?

8. One of the few remaining examples of Apple’s first pre-assembled computer, the Apple-1, sold for $905,000 at auction in New York on Wednesday. The possibility of cashing in on an outdated technology is the only reason I can come up with as to why some people still have Blackberrys.

9. Ebola patient Nina Pham’s dog Bentley has tested negative for the deadly disease. But, just to be safe, officials have requested other dogs stick to just sniffing Bentley’s face.

10. Toys R Us won’t be selling “Breaking Bad” action figures anymore thanks to an online petition that urged the toy store to pull them from their shelves. “Well, it was great working together again, even if it was for a short time,” said the actor from “Low Winter Sun” who now works at Toys R Us.