March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

August 10, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her upcoming ‘tell-all’ book, former presidential aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims that while working in the White House President Trump showed signs of mental decline. The number one sign of Trump’s mental decline, hiring Omarosa Manigault Newman to work in the White House.

2. A 12-year-old Chinese girl who went missing from a tour group at an airport outside Washington D.C., sparking an investigation into a possible kidnapping, was located Friday in the New York City. Although, she’s not out of the woods yet:

3. ‘The New York Times’ recently published an article claiming that face tattoos are becoming more mainstream. Yeah, I’d say so:

4. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. Marking the first time anyone has every gone into a McDonald’s and come out with a smaller stomach and weighing less.

5. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. That’s very hard to believe, I’ve been to my share of McDonald’s and there’s no way anyone was cleaning any of those.

6. According to ‘Axios,’ President Trump is always on the phone during his working vacations at his golf club in New Jersey and his staff often has no idea who he’s talking to. Although it’s usually Grover or Big Bird:

7. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. It’s a significantly better use of the man’s horses than his previous business venture, Amish Tinder:

8. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. And no matter the length of your trip, the estimated arrival time is always 1874.

9. Paul Manafort’s longtime deputy Rick Gates admitted in court Tuesday to having an extramarital affair a decade ago. Even crazier, he was just answering the question “Do you promise to tell the whole truth?”

10. Tuesday, August 7th, was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s birthday. And some people were so excited about it that they couldn’t want until Tuesday to give him a present:

11. First Lady Melania Trump is looking for volunteers to help decorate the White House for Christmas. In fact Melania is looking for volunteers for a lot of positions including decorator, assistant, and First Lady.

12. Richard Jarecki, a doctor by profession, who became famous by finding slight biases in roulette wheels to earn millions, died on Wednesday at the age of 86. “Always bet on black,” said this guy:

13. On Sunday, rapper the Game got into a fist-fight with his one teammate during a California rec league basketball game. “Wait, I didn’t know that was an option,” said LeBron:

14. President Trump’s administration on Thursday announced an ambitious plan to usher in the “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the military by 2020. Trump said the Space Force’s first mission will be to find that planet from Star Trek where the women have three breasts.

15. This week, car-maker Ford made it’s millionth Ford Mustang. That story again, 40-year-old men continue to have mid-life crises.

16. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen revealed that he has worked out with Kanye West on multiple occasions. That very weird and hard-to-believe story again, Seth Rogen has worked out.

17. President Trump’s in-laws are officially United States citizens, obtaining their citizenship through the sponsorship of their adult daughter, one of the very categories of family visas that the administration has sought to end. Said the Trump administration, “Okay, starting now.”

18. On Thursday, while cycling in Colorado, Lance Armstrong crashed his bike and was forced to go to the hospital. Oh no, is the bike okay?

19. China has banned screenings of Disney’s “Christopher Robin,” a movie featuring Winnie the Pooh. So if the children of China want to see Winnie the Pooh, they’ll just have to keep making those dolls:

20. According to a new study, handing kids plates with pictures of fruits and vegetables may nudge them to serve themselves and eat more of these foods. That story again, kids are stupid.

21. President Trump acknowledged on Sunday that his son met with Russians in 2016 at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. Although Trump was unable to remember specific details, like his son’s the name.

22. Over the weekend, Russia appointed actor Steven Seagal as a “special representative” on US-Russian humanitarian ties. And there’s nothing more humanitarian that Russia can do than taking Seagal off our hands.

December 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump’s relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson never recovered after rumors surfaced that Tillerson called Trump ‘a moron.’ Much like the relationship between the President and Eric Trump never recovered after Eric called him ‘dad.’

2. President Trump’s border wall prototypes were tested this week to see if they can be climbed, broken through or gotten around. They conducted the test by putting President Trump and Melania on the same side of the wall:

3. A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ was staged on Sunday where all the performers and audience members were naked. So enjoy those warm seats, next audience.

4. Facebook on Monday rolled out Messenger Kids, an app that lets the world’s biggest social media company expand into a so-far untapped market of kids under 13. That story again, somewhere in Alabama, Roy Moore just pulled out his phone to delete Tinder and add Messenger Kids.

5. A new poll has found that 48% of Roy Moore supporters in Alabama plan to vote for the alleged-pedophile because “he’s the best person for the job.” And, if you’ve ever seen the selection of men in Alabama, they may be right:

6. The Justice Department said Wednesday it is seeking a warrant so it can seize an ancient ring believed to be trafficked by the Islamic State. And, if that doesn’t work, they’re gonna give Nic Cage a hastily drawn treasure map.

7. Last week, for the first time in the United States, a woman with a transplanted uterus gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy, six pound, eight ounce uterus.

8. According to reports, Republican Congressman Blake Farenthold settled a sexual harassment claim brought against him in 2014 with $84,000 of taxpayer money. Although, by the look of him, I’m guessing $84,000 is actually the least amount of money he’s ever had to paid for sex:

9. Earlier this week, President Trump took to Twitter to openly questions ‘Morning Joe’ host Joe Scarborough’s role in an unsolved murder. Although, if you’re gonna send Scarborough to jail for anything, it should be this:

10. According to a new book, President Trump’s meal of choice while on the campaign trail was two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fishes and a chocolate milkshake. Begging the question, was he campaigning to become the next president or the next Grimace?:

11. Last week, Senate Democrats criticized Republicans for making last-minute, handwritten changes to the tax reform bill, hours before voting on it. And somehow those weren’t worse Republican handwritten notes that came to light last week:

12. Pizza Hut recently announced that they will begin delivering alcohol. Which seems pointless, these people are ordering Pizza Hut, clearly they’re already very drunk.

13. The Republican Party has resumed funding the Senate campaign of Roy Moore, who is accused of sexual misconduct involving teenage girls. To celebrate, Moore bought a round of Orange Julius’s for everyone at the food court.

14. Donald Trump Jr. would not tell House investigators Wednesday what he and his father discussed following a June 2016 meeting he had in Trump Tower with Russians, citing attorney-client privilege. I can tell you for sure one that that wasn’t said during that conversation, “I’m proud of you, son.”

15. Democratic Congressman John Conyers stepped down on Tuesday after multiple accusations of sexual misconduct. Although it’s not the first time someone has stepped following sexual misconduct:

16. President Donald Trump’s lawyers told a New York state judge on Tuesday that under the U.S. Constitution she had no jurisdiction over the president and therefore urged her to dismiss a defamation lawsuit. That shocking story again, the President has heard of the Constitution.

17. According to reports, Disney’s Hall of Presidents is scheduled to debut its new Donald Trump statue sometime before Christmas. “Maybe don’t bolt it down too tight,” said Robert Mueller.

18. The results of a new study found that obese people who eat almonds and chocolate every day may have lower cholesterol than their counterparts who don’t. Said one fat guy, “This is a doctor-prescribed Almond Joy.”

19. After being indicted, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly teamed up with a Russian operative to ghostwrite an op-ed defending himself. Begging the question, where does Trump find the time to help write an op-ed?

20. A new study found that leaving a bedroom window open may help people sleep better. “I beg to differ,” said the guy who lives next to Macklemore.

February 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night the New England Patriots took on the Atlanta Falcons in Superbowl 51. And, somehow, the winner was still ‘La La Land.’

2. Sunday night, the Atlanta Falcons blew a 25-point lead to lose Superbowl 51. It was such a big collapse that experts are sure that James Comey was somehow involved.

3. Nissan is recalling more than 341,000 Altimas because the doors might open if a rear window is lowered. Although, if you think about it, do you really need a reason to recall Altimas?

4. A man who went on a Tinder date ended up alone nude and robbed at an Oregon motel after the woman took his clothing, wallet and cellphone. Even worse, she didn’t look anything like her pictures.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are increasingly less open to the possibility of their children marrying someone from the opposite political party. But I defy even the stanchest liberal woman to try to turn down the pure sex appeal that is Mitch McConnell:
mcconnell

6. After a two week Caribbean vacation, Barack Obama is back in Washington D.C. Or, as Trump sees it, the Muslim travel ban is not working.

7. The Mexican government reported on Friday that homicides in its country had risen by 22% in 2016. So, I guess they aren’t sending ALL of their murderers here.

8. Saturday night, LeBron James became the youngest player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in a career. Although, not according to his hairline.

9. In recent days, a rash of Ku Klux Klan fliers have been showing up on lawns in Maine. Which is weird because I always figured KKK members looked at Maine and thought, “Mission accomplished.”

10. “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” star Sugar Bear confirmed last week that he wed girlfriend Jennifer Lamb in a secret Georgia backyard ceremony. So congratulations to the happy couple on their marriage and, I assume, their pregnancy.

September 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After publicly supporting Hillary Clinton for months, reality star Kim Kardashian is reportedly now “on the fence” and is considering voting for Donald Trump. And although her vote remains unclear, one thing is for sure, that fence now has gonorrhea.
 
2. There will be no commercial breaks during tonight’s presidential debate. Well, at least not any formal commercial breaks:
trump-press

3. New England Patriots latest starting quarterback, third-string rookie Jacoby Brissett, could miss several weeks with a torn right thumb ligament suffered in Thursday’s win over the Texans. Ironically, the injury could have been avoided if the footballs were a little less inflated.
 
4. On Friday, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he was endorsing former rival Donald Trump for president. And, I gotta admit, that time before Cruz endorsed Trump was pretty scary because, for a couple of months there, I was proud of Ted Cruz.

5. A Boston man traveled to China for the world’s first-ever horse penis transplant. “First ever?” said Tommy Lee.

6. A woman in Ireland, who was starting a new job, recognized her new boss because he sent her a dick pic on Tinder. Begging the question, how lax is that’s office’s casual Friday policy that she was able to make that connection?

7. Last week, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson said, if elected, he would shut down the Department of Homeland Security. Thus, leaving the entire country vulnerable to flying pigs.

8. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. Said the dog, “How bout, for a change, you do the begging.”

9. Over the weekend, messaging app Snapchat announced a new product called Spectacles that are sunglasses that record ten seconds of video. To summarize, the new product is something that is worn on the body, records what’s going on and then is quickly deleted, or, as they are known in Charlotte, police body-cams.

10. A transgender man in South Africa made history over the weekend by giving birth to child with his transgender wife. So good luck to those parents in coming up with a concise answer when that kid eventually asks where babies come from.

September 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” The current working title of the film is “The Best Movie Ever Made!”
 
2. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” Which is weird because in my dreams Scarlett Johansson is there too.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. Hell, he’s been doing it to his own daughter for years:
frisk

4. An Iowa man was arrested last night for allegedly measuring his penis with a ruler inside a college library bathroom. And, in even worse news for the man, it was so small he had to use the dewey decimal system.

5. This week, a burglar broke into a California YMCA and stole play money from a toy cash register. Police officers were able to track the man down, but were forced to let him go after he furnished one of these:
card

6. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is preparing for two Donald Trumps for the upcoming presidential debates, a disciplined Donald and a freewheeling Donald. While Trump is preparing for two Hillary Clintons, the real Hillary and her body double.
 
7. One of Vladimir Putin’s closest friends said on Thursday he believes Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States. That friend, you guessed it, Donald Trump.
 
8. An Ohio county chair for the Trump campaign resigned following an interview published Thursday, in which she suggested there was “no racism” until President Obama was elected and called the Black Lives Matter movement “a stupid waste of time.” I assume she was forced to resign because she was promoted.
 
9. A woman in Brooklyn reportedly lived with the corpse of her dead son for over a decade. Said the woman, “I had no idea he was dead, you’d think my dog would have let me know”:
dead-dog

10. A new app called Real has launched that is billed as Tinder for platonic relationships. So, even in the best case scenario, after a date, men will still go home and swipe themselves.

11. Residents have noticed that the newly introduced Canada paper money smells like maple syrup. Also smelling like maple syrup, everything else in Canada.

12. A new study has confirmed what was long suspected, that people gain weight during the holidays. So I’m guessing the Christie household is one of those homes that leaves it Christmas lights up year round.

13. Over the weekend, a woman in New York intentionally drove into oncoming traffic to avoid going to New Jersey. Although I kinda blame the state’s new motto:
jersey

14. A writer dashed past firefighters into a burning New Orleans house last week to rescue two completed novels stored on his laptop. Sounds like he has the same IT people as Hillary.

15. Apple’s new software update includes single parent emojis. And, despite recent divorce news, I think the eggplant will still be Anthony Weiner’s most used emoji.

September 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An AirAsia flight from Sydney to Malaysia accidentally flew to Melbourne instead because the pilot entered the wrong coordinates. But, to be fair, it still ranks as one of the more successful flights to Malaysia.

2. According to the FBI’s latest report, during her four years as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton used thirteen different cell phones. And, only six of them were used to catfish Bill on Tinder.

3. Last week, Dr. Ben Carson accompanied Donald Trump to Detroit where Carson cut short a live interview on CNN in front of his childhood home to look for his luggage. Because, like a true Trump supporter, he became very concerned about his belongings once he realized he was in a black neighborhood.

4. A single mother in Texas dressed up as a man so her son could go to a “Doughnuts with Dad” event at his school. Said the son, “Maybe if you didn’t look like such a convincing man, Dad would still be around.”

5. A 6-month-old boy in North Carolina has set a world record as the youngest water-skier. Or, as sharks refer to him, veal.

6. Last week, New York Met Wilmer Flores excited the hometown crowd by changing his walk-up music to the theme song from “Friends.” The last time a Met walked out to a TV theme song it was Daryl Strawberry strolling to the plate to the ‘DUN DUN’ from “Law & Order.”

7. A thug in the U.K. punched a five-day-old baby in the face at a supermarket and then immediately apologized saying he thought it was a doll. “Yeah, but is he single?” said Casey Anthony.

8. A North Dakota sheriff’s office pressed charges against Jill Stein Wednesday after the Green Party presidential nominee spray-painted a bulldozer during an environmental protest. But that didn’t prevent Fox News from getting viewers’ hopes up by enthusiastically reporting “Arrest warrant issued for liberal presidential candidate.”

9. On Wednesday, Apple unveiled its new, water-proof iPhone 7. So I guess it was a bad time for me to invest heavily in bags of rice.

10. A landlord showing his vacant rental home in Atlanta Monday morning made a grisly discovery when he stumbled upon the body of a dead man in the backyard. Said the landlord, “How do you feel about roommates?”

July 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was officially named the Democratic nominee for president, becoming the first female nominee for a major U.S. party. A night that many believe was a hundred years in the making, although Debbie Wasserman Schultz ballparks it at about a year and a half.

2. According to reports, Democrats beat Republicans in the TV ratings when comparing the first nights of their respective party’s Conventions. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, we had Chachi!?!”

3. On Monday, the Cleveland Cavaliers signed head coach Tyron Lue to a five year, $35 million contract. Which comes out to $7 million a year to ask LeBron what play he wants to run.

4. Donald Trump slammed Democrats on Tuesday for not once mentioning ISIS during the first day of the Democratic Convention. Which, in Trump’s book, is an unforgivable sin, just behind not mentioning him.

5. A man in the Czech town of Prerov could not pay his bar bill so he stripped down naked, left his clothes at the bar as collateral and headed out to get cash. Begging the question, where did he keep his ATM card?

6. Disneyland announced that it’s iconic Tower of Terror drop ride, featuring an elevator that free-falls for 130 feet, is closing. So now, you’re best bet to get scared in an elevator is to date Ray Rice.

7. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh opened his speech Monday night at the Democratic Convention by saying he was an alcoholic. “Look who’s plagiarizing now,” said the Kennedy estate.

8. A Florida man pleaded guilty on Monday to illegally funneling $80,000 in foreign contributions to President Obama’s fundraising campaign in 2012 so that a foreign national could attend a campaign event. The court didn’t release the identity of the foreign national, but that didn’t stop Fox News from speculating:obama

9. Dr. Dre was detained outside his home Monday morning after L.A. police received a call from a motorist who alleged the rapper had threatened him with a gun. The encounter ended with beats, but not by Dre.

10. Dating app Tinder has introduced Tinder Social which allows users to swipe right to meet up and go on dates with groups. “Finally,” said Mormon men.

July 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Germany is planning new legislation to require manufacturers of cars equipped with autopilot to install a black box to help determine responsibility in the event of an accident. As opposed to every car crash Billy Joel has ever been in which are always caused by a black box:
jack daniels

2. According to a new study, radiologists don’t agree on what qualifies as “dense breasts.” But they do agree that they need to keep studying the issue, and then they high-fived each other.

3. Last night presidential candidate Donald Trump made a surprise appearance at the Republican National Convention to introduce his wife Melanie. Although, it may have been a misstep to introduce her as “the next First Lady of the United States and my wife, for now, Melanie Trump.”

4. According to new pictures, former President George W. Bush has dyed his hair brown. The last time Bush had that much brown die on his hands, Katrina was hitting Louisiana.

5. House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan welcomed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s choice of Mike Pence as a running mate on Friday, saying the Indiana governor comes from “the heart of the conservative movement.” While also noting that Trump himself comes from a different part of the body.

6. A former US intelligence director has revealed that laptops seized from ISIS fighters are filled up to 80% with pornography. Even more proof that we’re not so different, most of the pornographic material was contained in files named “death to the infidels stuff.”

7. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. Said the grandparents, “Now I kinda wish he didn’t call so often.”

8. Over the weekend, it was announced that actor Alden Ehrenreich will play young Han Solo in the next ‘Star Wars’ film. In addition, Seth Rogen will play a young Chewbacca.

9. An image of a mug for the University of North Texas, for sale in the school store, has gone viral because it appears to spell out the c-word. Even worse, the store was sued for copyright infringement by the gift shop for Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

10. A nursing home has created a dating app called G-Date, short for grandparent date, to help its residents develop relationships. And, much like Tinder, people put out on the first date because, at their age, they’re not assured of a second one.