May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

October 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Facebook said on Friday that nearly 50 million user accounts were hacked in its worst security breach ever given the unprecedented level of potential access. “Well I guess that settles the question of who liked your friend Katie’s vacation bikini pictures,” said a very relieved husband to his wife. 

2. Students at a UK university raised money to send the school’s janitor on his first vacation in almost a decade. Not to be outdone, they also had a great ‘welcome home’ present for him:

3. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight with a guy he thought was the lead singer of UB40. Not to be outdone, one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg dangled Sure Knight over a balcony. 

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump Jr. said “he fears more for his sons than for his daughters” following the Kavanaugh hearing. That’s absurd, he should fear for them equally because they both have a dipshit for a father.

5. A “Jeopardy” contestant last week made a surprised marriage proposal to his girlfriend who was sitting in the audience. But then he ruined it by going for the Daily Double: 

6. Over the weekend, actress Gwyneth Paltrow married writer Brad Falchuk. I’d wish Brad the best of luck, but I don’t think he’ll need it, as any band who’s played Coachella will tell you, it’s really easy to follow Coldplay.

7. According to reports, Bill Cosby was hit with a hot dog bun and fell down a flight of stairs during his first day in prison. And, if you think that’s bad, on his second day he was anally raped. So, in retrospect, the hot dog thing wasn’t that bad.

8. A flight from Phoenix to Boston this week was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly refused to stop doing pull-ups using the plane’s overhead bins. That emergency landing seems stupid because if anyone belongs in Boston, it’s that guy. 

9. A group of Southern California high school students face disciplinary action after spelling out the n-word with lettered T-shirts at a senior picnic. “That’s PJ and Tobin for you,” said Brett Kavanaugh.

10. Former FBI Director James Comey expressed his approval of the reopening of the bureau’s background check into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, writing in a New York Times op-ed that the assigned deadline is “idiotic.” Said Comey, “The timing of this is idiotic, everyone knows you only reopen an investigation a week before an election.”

11. A new movie featuring drunk, fornicating and child-abusing priests has outraged some conservative politicians in Poland. Said Catholic priests, “That’s not how that happened, my shoes weren’t brown.”

12. After a prolonged court battle, a 5-year-old girl in California will be allowed to bring her cannabis-based medicine to school. That story again, get ready for a 5-year-old girl to bring in her hand for every show-and-tell:

13. According to reports, streaming giant Netflix will now allow users to choose how a TV episode or movie will end. So get ready to be killed off in a lot more things, Kevin Spacey.

14. According to reports, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was questioned by police concerning a bar fight that broke out after a UB40 concert. The worst part of that story is that fight broke out afterwards, which means the concert went on as planned first.

15. This week Ben & Jerry’s introduced its newest flavor ‘Marry Me Mint.’ “I do!” said one man:

16. A study of the African bush elephant’s vast network of deep wrinkles his found it is intricately designed to help the animals keep cool. Which explains why Keith Richards is always wearing scarves:

17. A bat was on the loose inside the Tennessee venue where President Trump held a campaign rally this week. That story again, Stephen Miller was at a campaign rally in Tennessee.

18. Thirteen people in New York were stuck in a subway elevator on Monday for one hour before police were able to rescue them. Said one of the thirteen people after being rescued, “It could have been worse,” and, then, to prove her point, she stepped onto the A train.

October 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop-star Katy Perry had a malfunction during a concert in Nashville last week that left her suspended in the air above the audience. But, to her credit, Perry’s been stuck in worse situations, after all, she was marred to Russell Brand for two years.

2. Singer Justine Skye dropped to a knee toward the end of her rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner prior to the Brooklyn Nets home opener against the Orlando Magic last Friday. Which seems pointless because I assume anyone at a Nets-Magic game is there in protest.

3. According to a new study, mothers around the world have similar responses to hearing their babies cry. And, strictly from the research I’ve conducted on planes, that response is to completely ignore their baby.

4. John McCain took what was widely seen as a swipe at President Trump as he condemned the ways in which wealthier Americans avoided serving in the Vietnam War. In response, Trump said, “Thank you for calling me ‘wealthy.’”

5. Nemo, the young dog adopted this year by France’s Emmanuel Macron, was caught on camera relieving himself on a gilded fireplace in the Elysee Palace on Monday. Hey, at least it’s your leader’s dog who doesn’t know where to pee:

6. According to a new study, smokers who have had more than five sexual partners are at a greater risk of getting cancer. Begging the question, how the fuck is Keith Richards still alive?

7. Last week, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said that adults will wear diapers instead of sharing a restroom with transgender people. That story again, Fox News host Laura Ingraham promises to shit herself to teach you a lesson.

8. According to a new study, people struggling with irritable bowel syndrome might do better on an individualized diet. And if you have irritable bowel syndrome, you should probably get used to do most things individually.

9. Singer Kid Rock ruled out running for Senate on Tuesday, saying that his earlier hints about seeking office next year were a lark to get publicity for his upcoming album. So good news, Kid Rock was joking about running for Senate, bad news, I don’t think he was joking about releasing a new album.

10. A Brooklyn mother-daughter duo were arrested last week for allegedly stealing $250,000 worth of Staples gift cards. Come on, be a contributing member of society, do what all the rest of us when we need office supplies, steal them from work.

11. Authorities say a man accused of trying to rent a car in Delaware using a fake ID was caught hiding in a trash can. But, to his credit, he’s really sticking to that ID:

12. Jeff Glor was named the anchor of ‘The CBS Evening News’ this week. CBS News is known for their in-depth investigative journalism so hopefully they’ll be able to figure out who the fuck Jeff Glor is.

13. This week the NAACP issued a travel advisory cautioning African Americans about flying on American Airlines. But, in their defense, as any student of U.S. history will tell you, naming themselves ‘American’ airlines should have been fair warning.

14. A scrap of paper where Albert Einstein wrote his “theory of happiness” in 1922 just sold for $1.56 million. Yet the scrap of paper where I wrote my “theory of happiness” remains unsold:

15. President Donald Trump declined to say on Wednesday whether he will visit the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone during an upcoming Asia tour. Said Trump, “Is there a golf course there?”


16. The number four ranked golfer in the world, Hideki Matsuyama, has accepted the invitation to play golf with President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe next month. Hopefully it goes better than Trump’s last outing with an Asian golfer:

17. Aston Martin has begun selling a special Tom Brady Signature Edition car for $359,950 that was designed by the New England quarterback himself. Not to be outdone, Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Kevin Hogan is looking to sell his 1992 Geo Metro.

18. Kellogg’s says it’s changing the art on its Corn Pops cereal box after a consumer complained it was racist. They’re also having a hard time explaining this picture:

19. Lady Gaga and former Vice President Joe Biden have teamed up to shoot a PSA against sexual assault. And, now, for the rebuttal:

20. The NYPD is currently searching for a man who left a crime scene wearing a fedora and a $48,000 watch. Police are calling every man who lives in New Jersey a person of interest.

April 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Stanford University team determined that when human subjects are instructed to touch the private areas of a human-like robot, the humans become aroused. The study was conducted by following Ann Romney around for a week.

2. A woman was rescued Monday morning from the restroom at the West Waco library where she had been trapped since Saturday evening. So good luck to that woman in explaining to her friends in Texas how she got stuck in a bathroom and what a library is.

3. Icelandic Prime Minister Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson stepped down Tuesday as a result of the Panama Papers leaks that linked him to an offshore tax shelter. The Prime Minister resigned after failing to convince the Icelandic people that the Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson mentioned in the papers was a different Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson.

4. According to a new Reuters poll, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are in a “dead heat” now for the Republican presidential nomination. Note to Reuters, in the future, you might want to use a different phrase, because you got my hopes up until I read the word ‘heat.’

5. Mexico’s government on Tuesday unexpectedly changed two of its top officials responsible for U.S. relations, citing concerns about an increasingly anti-Mexican climate across the border. Although Donald Trump was disappointed when those two new open positions were filled by Mexicans.

6. Facebook is launching a new feature that will describe an image, so that visually impaired people will be able to hear, and therefore visualize, what’s in a photo posted on the social network. The feature a just a recording of someone saying “It’s another picture of your friend’s ugly baby” played on a loop.

7. Surgeons in Brazil saved a man’s hand from being amputated by having it sewn into his stomach. I believe we have a picture of the patient resting comfortably post-surgery:
albundy

8. Twitter is offering a new feature that will make it easier for users to share tweets privately with friends. Or, as they are more commonly known, texts, you invented texts, Twitter.

9. According to a new report, European Union citizens spend over $27.28 billion on illicit drugs every year. Which can only mean one thing, Keith Richards hasn’t given up his European citizenship.

10. According to a joint statement, actress Drew Barrymore and her husband Will Kopelman are divorcing. So, it sounds like Kopelman finally got around to seeing “Blended.”

September 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, New England quarterback Tom Brady endorsed Donald Trump for president. Just when you think the Patriots can’t possible get any more unlikeable, they find a new way.

2. Yesterday, guitarist Keith Richards said the Rolling Stones plan to record a new album next year. Although, I’m not sure the Stones should be making plans years in advance.

3. New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre Paul’s football career may be over after reports surfaced that he may be missing more fingers than initially suspected from his July 4th fireworks accident. Even worse, Paul’s back-up career plan of becoming a proctologist is also over.

4, Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that rapper Rick Ross cannot copyright the phrase “Everyday I’m hustlin’” because, according to recent pictures of the 300-plus pound rapper, he’s not.

5. On Tuesday, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos unveiled plans to build a rocket manufacturing plant and launch site in Florida. Because there’s no better motivation to make it to outer space than when the remaining option is staying in Florida.

6. Presidential candidate Donald Trump appealed to veterans on Tuesday by saying a Trump administration would let them go to private hospitals if VA hospitals failed to provide decent care. Unless a veteran got himself captured, then he’s a loser who doesn’t deserve healthcare.

7. On Tuesday, Vice President Joe Biden said Donald Trump’s campaign remarks about Mexican immigrants was an attempt to incite xenophobia in the worst parts of society. Or, as it’s better known, the South.

8. “Star Wars” fans will have a chance to buy Princess Leia’s iconic slave bikini costume in an upcoming auction. Then comes the hard part for whoever submits the winning bid, finding a real, live woman to wear it.

9. After Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced the possibility of a ‘dislike’ button, users took to the social networking site to express their concerns over such an addition. Said those unhappy users, “I just wish there was an easy way to express my dissatisfaction about this idea.”

10. A three-year-old American girl has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, a condition linked to obesity, making her one of the youngest people ever to be diagnosed with the disease. “If she’s interested in losing some weight, I’d be willing to help,” said Jared Fogle.

September 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 10% of men and women admit to having orgasms while exercising. So consider this your friendly reminder, that before working out, you should always wipe off the machine.

2. On Tuesday, United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek resigned amid a federal probe of the airline. Luckily, since Smisek was paying attention beforehand, he knew exactly where the closest exits were.

3. Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton apologized on Tuesday for using a private email server in her New York home for work while she was Secretary of State. And, considering she’s been married to Bill for almost 40 years, she really knows how to sell an apology.

4. On Tuesday, Duke University’s 2015 men’s champion basketball team visited the White House. And, unlike when most basketball teams visit, it was really easy to spot President Obama.

5. According to reports, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned down an offer to appear on Stephen Colbert’s “The Late Show” in favor of being a guest on Jimmy Fallon’s “Tonight Show.” Colbert said his mistake was extending the offer to Hillary via her official State Department email address.

6. A squirrel found dead at Lake Tahoe last month has tested positive for the plague. So now it’s just “& Dale.”

7. UCLA scientists published findings that showed a paralyzed man was able to voluntarily control his leg muscles and take steps in a robotic exoskeleton device. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius may be an actual killing machine.

8. According to a new study, workplace stress is as bad for one’s health as secondhand smoke. Which is double-bad news for Keith Richard’s co-workers.

9. On Sunday night, the NFL sent a tweet posing the question who will win this season’s SuperBowl alongside a picture of seven star quarterbacks, but leaving out Tom Brady. Looks like the NFL is holding a grudge, so for the Patriots win this year it’s gonna take some extra cheating.

10. According to a new study, snoring during sleep can put kids at risk for poor performance in school. And it’s also pretty distracting to the other kids in class.

March 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Spanish-language television network Univision fired contributor Rodner Figueroa after he likened first lady Michelle Obama to a cast member of the film “Planet of the Apes.” And, in unrelated news, President Obama is reportedly reconsidering his immigration policy.

2. According to a new study, getting on the scale every day may boost enthusiasm for healthy behaviors and lead to greater weight loss. Or, more likely, you throwing out your scale.

3. Akron police are looking for an unidentified man who has defecated on the hoods of at least 19 vehicles. Authorities believe the number could be hirer but it is impossible for Toyota Carolla owners to tell the difference between their car and a piece of shit.

4. Professional basketball player Iman Shumpert is angry, alleging the TV show “Empire” ripped him off by basing a character on him. While Dennis Rodman says “Downton Abbey” is basically his life story.

5. It was announced yesterday that actress Kerry Washington will play the part of Anita Hill in an upcoming HBO film. “I’m available to run lines,” said Clarence Thomas.

6. On Thursday, Disney announced that the eighth installment in the “Star Wars” sci-fi film series will be released on May 26, 2017. Said Star Wars fans, “I haven’t been this excited about a date since I took my cousin to prom.”

7. An Alabama agency has closed an investigation into whether Harper Lee, the 88-year-old author of “To Kill a Mockingbird,” was manipulated into the publication of a second novel after she made it clear that she wanted it in print. Although, the majority of the investigation was explaining to the people of Alabama what a book is.

8. According to health experts, a world free of tobacco and its devastating health consequences could be a reality within 30 years. Although, I think those health experts are drastically underestimating the lifespan of Keith Richards.

9. A federal jury on Thursday awarded $76,000 to seven fans who sued the National Football League over a seating fiasco at the 2011 SuperBowl. Said the NFL, “Does anyone have change for $100 billion?”

10. A condolence letter from President Lyndon B. Johnson to the widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was sold for $60,000 at auction on Thursday. While the condolence letter to the widow of James Earl Ray sold for considerably less.

11. After hearing testimony from a valet that he saw former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez carrying a gun, testimony from a ballistics expert that bullets found in Hernandez’s rental car matched those used to kill Odin Lloyd and testimony from a police officer that Hernandez’s DNA was found at the crime scene, yesterday, the judge instructed the jury to disregard testimony from a gun expert. Said the judge, “Much like what the defendant is being accused of, at this point, this testimony is overkill.”

12. Two men, one armed with a gun, were caught on camera late Tuesday morning mugging a South African journalist in Johannesburg as he prepared for a live TV report. But they’re pretty shitty criminals, because I’ve seen the video, which means they didn’t steal the cameras.

13. O.J. Simpson is reportedly worried that he’ll die in prison. Said O.J., “Everyone deserves the dignity of dying in their own home next to the waiter or waitress they’re boning.”

14. Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak said he remains committed to the search for the missing MH370 jetliner a year after it vanished without a trace. “Trust us, don’t continue to go down the path of a lost plane when everyone already knows it will just end in disappointment,” said the writers of “Lost.”

15. Last week, the TSA found a chihuahua in a passenger’s checked luggage at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Authorities were relieved upon opening the suitcase to find the dog was still alive and not, as they initially thought, a normal-sized New York City rat.

16. A 25-year-old American man was rescued by the U.S. Coast Guard after he tried to walk from Detroit to Canada across a frozen lake. The man is known as idiot Jesus.

December 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Rolling Stones saxophonist Bobby Keys died at the age of 70. He is somehow survived by Keith Richards.

2. This week, an Indian man slapped a movie star in the face during filming in Mumbai because of the length of her dress. And no, I checked, unfortunately Anne Hathaway is not currently shooting a movie in India.

3. According to Google, the most searched for toys in November were American Girl and My Little Pony dolls. While the least searched for toy this year remains Tickle Me Bill Cosby.

4. Yesterday, active MLB umpire Dale Scott made history by announcing that he is gay. Said Scott, “I’m out.”

5. Yesterday, Dale Scott made history by becoming the first active MLB umpire to come out as gay. Said Scott, “So what should I do when pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training?”

6. On Tuesday, government health officials said about 50,000 people are alive today because U.S. hospitals committed 17 percent fewer medical errors in 2013 than 2010. “Something tells me that number went up in 2014,” said Joan Rivers.

7. Researchers have found that many of the most common search results online for information on vaginal births after C-sections are written at too high a reading level for the average person to comprehend. And, even worse, many of them contain pictures.

8. For the ninth year in a row, Florida made it through hurricane season without being hit by a hurricane. So, yeah, it just normally looks like that.

9. On Tuesday, the University of Alabama at Birmingham announced that it will end its football program due to increasing costs. But don’t worry football players, you’ll always have that UAB degree to fall back on … just kidding, you’re all fucked.

10. More than 1,000 performers re-enacted the nativity scene in Utah this week in an attempt to set a Guinness World Record. According to reports, there was one Joseph, one baby Jesus and 998 Marys.

September 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, the Dalai Lama told a newspaper that he sees no need for a successor. Or, as it is known in the U.S., pulling a Leno.

2. An inventor in Missouri has created a new sleeping bag made of the same material as bulletproof vests that can withstand shrapnel going 200 miles per hour. Or, maybe, just find a new place to camp.

3. Last week an IT worker in China was arrested after the accidentally uploading his personal pornography collection onto a jumbotron at a stadium. So, your move SuperBowl halftime show.

4. Senator Orin Hatch said billionaire investor Warren Buffett called him recently to find out what Congress might do about companies that move abroad for tax purposes. Even more surprising, he called collect.

5. Yesterday it was announced that Tim Tebow will be joining “Good Morning America” as a contributor. Said Tebow, “It’s the job I’ve always wanted ever since everyone told me I couldn’t have the job I really wanted.”

6. According to a new survey, alcohol use amongst teenagers leads to unsafe driving and compromised relationships with peers, while using marijuana harms relationships with authority figures. So if your son hates you, great news, he’s not drinking.

7. Activists in Colorado called on Thursday for the fast implementation of rules requiring marijuana-infused edibles to be clearly distinguishable from regular products when removed from their wrappers. Because if the pot community is known for one thing, it’s getting things done quickly.

8. Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has hit the road to promote his new children’s book. Said one concerned parent, “Maybe Richards shouldn’t begin every reading by asking the kid if they ‘want to do a few lines.’”

9. A campy-low budget pornographic horror film is enjoying new found popularity after one of its actors was spotted appearing in a commercial for the Democrat running for governor of Pennsylvania. Thus, effectively ending the campaign for governorship of candidate Dick Gozinya.

10. A property developer in New York is offering ten parking spaces in the trendy lower Manhattan neighborhood of SoHo for $1 million each. Experts say this is the most overpriced piece of New York City real estate to not bear the name “Trump.”

11. The gay Oregon man who helped overturn the state’s decade-old ban on same-sex marriage is heavily featured in a campaign ad for Republican senate candidate Monica Wehby. Said Wehby, “Even though I’m a Republican, I came out in support of gay marriage because I don’t want to win.”

12. Visa launched a new service to replace account information on plastic cards with a digital account number known as a “token.” So remember, it was your token, not your account information, that was stolen by a hacker.

13. Broadway theaters dimmed their lights Tuesday night for one minute in the memory of the late Tony-nominated comedian Joan Rivers. Said Broadway representatives, “It’s how Joan would have wanted it, she always said she looked better in the dark.”

14. An evangelical pastor in Washington state is coming under fire after he said that women are nice homes for a penis. I don’t know about that, but, after that comment, I’m pretty sure his wife is gonna own his balls.

15. An assault charge against pop singer Justin Bieber was withdrawn in a Toronto court on Monday after the prosecutor said there was no reasonable prospect of conviction. We can’t get anything to stick on this guy, he’s like our generation’s Al Capone, and, with any luck, he’ll also die of syphilis.

16. According to reports, in her upcoming memoir, Wendy Davis, the Democratic candidate for governor of Texas, reveals that she ended two pregnancies of her own. And, even more chilling, a few that weren’t hers.

July 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, NBA superstar LeBron James decided to leave the Miami Heat and return to play for his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers. I feel like Heat fans aren’t going to take the news well when they show up three minutes into the third quarter of their opening game and find out.

2. First came “the Golden Girls,” then “Hot in Cleveland,” the message is clear, if you set a sitcom about sassy old ladies in your city, LeBron James will come.

3. Chinese state media on Friday branded Apple’s iPhone a threat to national security because of the smartphone’s ability to track and time-stamp user locations. If only there was something China could do to slow down the manufacturing of those phones.

4. Brazilian soccer fans are calling Mick Jagger a World Cup jinx because he showed up to Brazil’s semifinal lost to Germany last week. Although I can’t help but think it may have more to do with naming Keith Richards the team’s nutritionist.

5. According to Bloomberg, LeBron James’ decision to return to Cleveland means the Cavaliers are now worth more than $1 billion for owner Dan Gilbert. “My advice to Gilbert, you can add another billion to that valuation by saying something extremely racist,” said Donald Sterling.

6. On Friday, Texas Governor Rick Perry called Kentucky Senator, and potential 2016 presidential rival, Rand Paul, “curiously blind” and “wrong.” Perry said there was a third thing he wanted to call Paul, but forgot what it was.

7. Seattle City Attorney Pete Holmes on Friday apologized for violating workplace rules by bringing bags of marijuana he purchased from newly-opened Washington state pot shops back to his office. Said Holmes, “And, as part of that apology, I’ve baked the office some brownies.”

8. On Saturday, NBA star Carmelo Anthony reached a deal to return to the New York Knicks. The Knicks said they were excited to welcome Anthony back once they realized they couldn’t get LeBron.

9. Seattle’s first and only recreational marijuana store had to close on Friday after running out of pot in just three days. So if that doesn’t convince stoners to get up before noon, nothing will.

10. Five-time Olympic swimming gold medalist Ian Thorpe for the first time publicly confirmed that he is gay during a television interview on Sunday. Which explains why he was always so bad at the breaststroke.