Tag Archives: George Lucas

January 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Peter R. Rose, a Brooklyn police captain, apologized for remarks he made contrasting date rape with “true stranger rapes,” which he called “the troubling ones.” Staking a strong claim for worst guy named Pete Rose.

2. It is being reported that the folders displayed at Donald Trump’s press conference on Tuesday that supposedly were full of signed contracts turning his business over to his sons were actually blank sheets of paper. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he just got the folders containing the contracts and the folders containing his plan to replace Obamacare mixed up.

3. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted out praise for clothing company L.L. Bean. And, I think I figured why Trump is such a big fan of L.L. Bean:
wet-suit

4. Filmmaker George Lucas plans to open the Museum of Narrative Art in Los Angeles to showcase his collection of fine and popular art. No word on what he plans to do with his not so popular art:
lucas

5. Yesterday, President Obama surprised Vice President Joe Biden by holding a press conference in the West Wing to award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, even doing the honor of placing the award around Biden’s neck. The last time a president gave a co-worker a necklace in the White House, Bill gave it to Monica and the necklace was ‘pearl.’

6. French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen was seen at Trump Tower on Thursday, but a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said she did not meet with him. Which can only mean one thing, there’s no tape of Trump peeing on French prostitutes.

7. Nancy Holten, a 42-year-old vegan woman who has lived in Switzerland for 30 years, has twice had her application for Swiss citizenship rejected because annoyed locals object to her “loud” opinions about animal rights. And you know she’s really bad when a country famous for staying neutral and avoiding conflict speaks up to say “I can’t stand this bitch.”

8. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. Other things she also done doing include sitting, walking and riding a bike.

9. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. But, on the plus side, her gynecologist has taken up spelunking.

10. The online classified advertising site Backpage.com abruptly shut its “adult” section on Monday, yielding to a campaign by state and federal government officials to close a service they contend promotes prostitution. So now, your mom will have to look for a new job.

11. A new study suggests that men who eat lots of red meat are much more likely to have bowel problems, pain and nausea than their peers who stick mainly with fish. But that’s just because Chipotle doesn’t sell fish.

12. A high-ranking Cardinal has complained after a McDonalds restaurant opened on Vatican owned property earlier this month, saying, “It would be better to use those spaces to help the needy of the area, spaces for hospitality, shelter and help for those who suffer.” Thus proving the Cardinal has never been to a McDonalds after 10PM.

13. According to a new study, kids born to obese parents may be more likely to experience certain developmental delays early in childhood. The study was conducted by watching one episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

14. Scientists have observed Darwin bark spiders giving each other oral sex. Which can mean only one thing, Darwin bark spiders don’t get married.

15. Every Sunday night in Washington D.C. 84-year-old Alice Donahue fronts a rock band called “Granny and the Boys.” Which is a great back up plan if you can’t get tickets to the Rolling Stones.

16. Rappers Chris Brown and Soulja Boy have decided to settle their latest ‘beef’ with a pay-per-view boxing match. I just hope, not matter who wins, they both get brain damage.

17. A new study has determined that a regular afternoon nap can help preserve and improve one’s memory. “If that’s true, I’m screwed,” said Bill Cosby.

18. On Sunday, Pope Francis encouraged women attending a baptism ceremony in the Sistine Chapel to feel free to breastfeed their children in the church. Said one man in attendance, “See, sometimes prayer does work.”

19. Over the weekend, Google unveiled it’s newest breakthrough, a self-driving minivan. Which is brilliant because no one wants to be seen driving a minivan.

20. The bathrooms at Toyko’s Nartia International Airport now offers toilet paper specifically designed to clean travelers’ smartphones. “Yeah, I’m gonna need something stronger than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

Monologue Jokes – August 13, 2013

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1. Over the weekend, at a Missouri State Fair rodeo, a clown wore a mask of President Obama and encouraged a bull to run him down as the crowd cheered him on. The clown was banned from any future state fairs while the bull was given its own show on Fox News.

2. On Monday, “Star Wars” filmmaker George Lucas and wife Mellody Hobson became parents to a baby girl. Lucas is 69-years-old, so I guess he doesn’t know when to quit making movies or babies.

3. On Monday, “Star Wars” filmmaker George Lucas and wife Mellody Hobson became parents to a baby girl. Said a friend of the couple, “Happy for them, am I.”

4. A Tennessee judge has ordered a baby’s first name changed from “Messiah” to “Martin,” saying the only true messiah is Jesus Christ. So good luck to little Martin, you may have a new name, but you still have the same stupid parents.

5. A Tennessee judge has ordered a baby’s first name changed from “Messiah” to “Martin,” saying the only true messiah is Jesus Christ. In a related story, church and state have ended their trial separation in Tennessee.

6. A Tennessee judge has ordered a baby’s first name changed from “Messiah” to “Martin,” saying the only true messiah is Jesus Christ. I guess the judge didn’t see the humor in naming the kid “Messiah Carey.”

7. Yesterday, a federal judge found that the New York Police Department’s controversial stop-and-frisk policy violated the Constitution. “That’s not gonna stop me,” said a local New York City pervert.

8. Yesterday, a federal judge found that the New York Police Department’s controversial stop-and-frisk policy violated the Constitution. So get ready for New York City’s new walk-and-molest policy.

9. The jury in the trial of convicted mob boss James “Whitey” Bulger found him guilty Monday of 31 of 32 counts, including 11 counts of murders. So, enjoy a lifetime of looking over your shoulder, jurors.

10. While speaking at a conference in Iowa, businessman Donald Trump responded to a question of a possible 2016 presidential bid by saying, “If I did it, I’d spend whatever it took.” To which the devil said, “I’m putting together a list of demands.”

Monologue Jokes – June 25, 2013

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1. Director George Lucas wed his longtime girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, over the weekend. Asked why it took so long to tie the knot, Lucas replied, “I had to make sure she loved me for me, so I made those shitty Star Wars prequels as a test.”

2. Director George Lucas wed his longtime girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, over the weekend. Said Star Wars fans everywhere, “How’d you do that?”

3. Yesterday actor Jim Carrey took to Twitter to distance himself from his upcoming movie “Kick Ass 2,” tweeting, “I did Kickass [months ago] and now in all good conscience I cannot support that level of violence.” Begging the question, what do we have to do to get Carrey to apologize for “Mr. Popper’s Penguins.”

4. A man, who tried to rob a group of people waiting in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneakers, was shot and killed when one of the customers pulled a gun. After the incident, those customers went into the shoe store and were robbed by Nike.

5. A panel of judges on Monday sentenced former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to seven years in prison for abusing power and having sex with an underage prostitute. “Cancel my trip to Italy,” said every politician in the world.

6. A collection of items used in the investigation of former White House intern Monica Lewinsky’s sexual encounters with then U.S. President Bill Clinton are set to be auctioned off online. Experts say it is the first time in the history of the internet that if you buy a dress online, you can’t return it for being stained.

7. Hip hop artist Fat Joe was sentenced on Monday to four months in federal prison and fined $15,000 for failure to file tax returns on more than $3.3 million in income. Finally answering the question, what ever happened to Fat Joe?

8. Last night, Jimmy Kimmel hosted his late night talk show with a black eye. In an unrelated story, Jay Leno hosted his show with a bruised hand.

9. Yesterday, media outlets and the U.S. government lost track of fugitive Edward Snowden after he didn’t board a flight from Russia to Cuba as expected. I feel like we’re only a few days away from hearing that Snowden is now dating Manti Te’o.

10. U.S. intelligence agencies are worried they do not yet know how much highly sensitive material is in the possession of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. At what point do we stop calling them “intelligence” agencies?