Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.

February 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Jeb Bush came in sixth place in Iowa, getting only 3% of the vote, which, when taking into account how much he spent in Iowa on campaigning, equaled $2,800 per vote. And, to put that in perspective, if you took all that money in singles and laid it, in a line, end-to-end, that still would have been a better use of that money.

2. During Monday night’s Democratic caucus in Iowa, seven districts were so close that the winner was determined by a coin flip, with Hillary Clinton winning six of the seven times the quarter was tossed. Said Bernie Sanders, “Not since he borrowed my wig powder and never gave it back have I been so screwed over by George Washington.”

3. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz lashed into Donald Trump calling him more immature than Cruz’s grade-school children. In response, Trump called himself rubber and Cruz glue.

4. According to scientists, the phenomenon known as ‘resting bitch face’ is real. They made this discovery while watching Hillary’s real-time reactions to the returns in Iowa.

5. On Wednesday, CBS announced that the Flash will pay a visit to Supergirl in a crossover episode. “I KNEW IT!!!!!” said Superman.

6. According to Bloomberg, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is now the fourth richest person in the world. While, Tom from MySpace wants to know if you have any spare change.

7. According to a new study, a healthy sex life in old age may help keep the brain healthy as well. So now you know why Grandma is still so lucid and also so popular at her old-age home.

8. The Obama administration on Monday welcomed Facebook’s latest move to prohibit users from using its services to coordinate person-to-person private sales of firearms. Here’s a look at the statement released by the White House:
like

9. The Kansas health department is yet to find the cause and source of a gastrointestinal illness that affected at least 10 people who ate at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Although, it kinda seems like they did.

10. A court in Sicily ruled that an Italian man accused of groping female colleagues is not guilty of sexual harassment because he was driven by an immature sense of humor rather than a desire for sexual gratification. And, just like that, Bill Cosby has a new defense.

August 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday was both National Vinyl Records day and National Middle Child day. So, if you know a middle child, hopefully you wished them a happy Vinyl Records day.

2. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Said Cookie Monster, “Now I can finally tell you what else ‘C’ is for.”

3. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. But, to be fair, Big Bird has always shown full-frontal.

4. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Said an unsuspecting parent, “Oh, look, a show called ‘Girls,’ that’s probably for kids too.”

5. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. HBO hasn’t aired a show featuring the many infantile characters who can’t read since “Entourage” went off the air.

6. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Which means the language used by the people who dress up like those characters in Times Square will be much more accurate now.

7. A new study found that elementary schoolers are being given more homework than recommended by experts. While another study found that most experts are just two kids on each other’s shoulders in a lab coat.

8. Justin Bieber announced this week that he will release a new album on November 13th. Which I assume is a Friday.

9. Justin Bieber announced this week that he will release a new album on November 13th. Just in time for you to buy it as a present and ruin someone’s Christmas.

10. Lawyers for the NFL and its players’ union returned to court on Thursday to discuss a possible settlement agreement in the Tom Brady ‘Deflategate’ case. Or, according to courtroom sketches, a team of goblins challenged a group of horses in suits to a game of Chinese checkers.

11. A pair of Mississippi newlyweds have been arrested for allegedly using their honeymoon as cover to travel to Syria and join ISIS. Family members became suspicious when the couple added “next week” after the “til death do you part” line.

12. On Thursday, NBC extended Jimmy Fallon’s deal by six years, meaning he will host “the Tonight Show” through 2021. Which means somewhere in California, Jay Leno just circled ‘January 1st, 2022’ on his calendar.

13. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush accused President Obama of not ensuring that Iraq remained stable after the war. Which is kinda like Casey Affleck blaming the failure of “Gigli” on Jennifer Lopez.

14. Apple said it has hired over 11,000 women globally this year, 65 percent more than the previous year. And, in a related story, Donald Trump has switched to Samsung.

15. According to Bloomberg, Apple will delay the debut of its live TV service until at least next year. They haven’t even started and there’s already a delay, seems like they got the hang of being a cable provider pretty quickly.

16. Tennis player Nick Kyrgios has been fined $10,000 for insulting his opponent Stan Wawrinka’s girlfriend to his face in the middle of a match. But, on the plus-side, I think Trump just found his new campaign manager.

17. The White House on Thursday released a list of six books President Obama will be reading during his current vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. They also released a list of the six books Vice President Joe Biden will be coloring over his vacation.

18. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian posted a nude selfie of herself on Instagram to prove that she is in fact pregnant. Hey Kim, no one was skeptical that you had sex.

19. Yesterday, daredevil Nik Wallenda accomplished his scariest feat yet, walking above the Milwaukee Mile racetrack during the Wisconsin State Fair. Yikes, you had be at Milwaukee.

20. A Texas man who pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge for punching his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend was given a choice between marrying her or going to jail for the crime. Which is really a choice between keeping his girlfriend or becoming someone’s girlfriend.

21. North Korea is creating its own time zone by pushing back their clocks by a half-hour. Now, if they were to turn back the clocks by twenty years that would make their interest in Dennis Rodman understandable.

22. A female grizzly bear was euthanized Thursday after attacking a hiker in Yellowstone National Park last week. It’s a shame that bear won’t be able to live a long life and die of natural causes, like being shot by a dentist.

23. The bottom part of a pair of Nike cleats worn by a high school football player in Texas melted while practicing in 106 degree heat this week. “Wow, 106 degrees, those are pretty tough conditions to work in,” said the Chinese kid who made the shoe, sarcastically.

24. A machine that converts human feces in drinkable water will get its first test run this week in Senegal. Or, as it’s being reported in Senegal, “Free water, no questions please.”

October 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “Oh, you said ‘ice coffee.’”

2. On Saturday, Bloomberg reported that President Obama is preparing to ask Congress for additional funds to fight the Ebola virus. Although, I think it might be more effective if Congress reported that President Obama plans to ask Bloomberg for additional funds to fight the Ebola virus.

3. Over the weekend, the Pentagon announced that it is forming a 30-person military “quick strike team” that will treat Ebola patients in the U.S. Or, as it will soon be known, a 20-person military quick strike team.

4. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement after dating for almost a year. Sheen said the honeymoon phase wore off, and I’m guessing the “honeymoon phase” is a type of cocaine.

5. Actor Charlie Sheen said he called of his engagement to adult film star Brett Rossi so he can focus more on his children. Said his children, “Alright, what are our names?”

6. Serena Williams slammed Russian tennis chief Shamil Tarpischev for his “insensitive, sexist and racist” remarks in describing her and sister Venus as the “Williams brothers” on a late night TV talk show. Although, if you ask me, the real victim of this story is the talk show that is so starved for guests that it will interview the Russian tennis chief.

7. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. “I told you he didn’t have a working Visa,” said Donald Trump.

8. According to its website, Giantmicrobes Inc., a company that makes a line of plush toys based on viruses, has sold out of its entire Ebola doll stock. As a result, Fisher-Price is working on its newest toy, Stay the Fuck Away from Me Elmo.

9. Scientists studying fossils have discovered that the intimate act of sexual intercourse used by humans was pioneered by ancient armored fish, called placoderms, about 385 million years ago. Scientists also discovered that, just like humans, placoderms married for life, which also explains why they stopped having intercourse and eventually went extinct.

10. A Washington state high school teacher has been warned not to have students spin a disciplinary “Wheel of Misfortune” to assign punishment for misbehaving in class. Even more disturbing, it was run by the shop teacher Mr. Armstrong and he insisted on dressing like Vanna.

September 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he will return as the head of Bloomberg LP, the data and financial company he founded. “Ah fuck,” said the guy who stocks the Bloomberg office soda machine.

2. Private equity firm KKR said on Wednesday that it is investing $90 million in Savant Systems, a company that helps control lighting, temperature and TVs in some of the world’s wealthiest homes. Said Savant Systems, “We’re happy about the investment and even happier that the last letter was an ‘R.’”

3. A new study suggests, pilots and flight attendants may be at an increased risk of developing skin cancer. So maybe that’s what happened to Malaysian Air flight 370.

4. Tests conducted in 2011 and 2013 show that the flu vaccine effectively prevents flu infections in pregnant women, whether or not they are infected with HIV. Although, if you’re a pregnant mother infected with HIV and concerned about the flu vaccine affecting your unborn baby, you may need to reassess your priorities.

5. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Said friends, “That doesn’t sound like the War Machine that I know.”

6. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Only “attempted” murder, guess that’s why he never made it in the NFL.

7. For the third consecutive year, Colombian actress Sofia Vergara is the highest paid actress on U.S. television, with estimated earnings of $36 million. Or, more accurately, $18 million a piece.

8. According to police, an Idaho State University professor with a concealed-carry gun permit shot himself in the foot with a handgun that accidentally discharged from inside his pocket in a chemistry classroom full of students. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to see Plaxico found work after the NFL.

9. Scholastic announced that Nick Cannon is set to release a book of children’s poems next March. Or, as his wife Mariah Carey refers to them, poems.

10. A woman in Austin, Texas is calling herself a real-life tiger after covering 90% of her body in tattoos of tiger stripes. When asked why she stopped at 90%, the woman replied, “Well, I didn’t want to look crazy.”

September 2, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Beatles star Paul McCartney became the latest high-profile figure to sign a letter calling on Scottish voters to chose to remain part of the United Kingdom in a vote on independence next month. Said McCartney, “Don’t be Yoko.”

2. According to a new study, eating foods full of chemicals and high in fat, sodium and sugar may reduce your interest in eating healthier foods. Also reducing your interest in eating healthier foods, eating healthier foods.

3. An orthodontist in Arkansas is offering his patients the choice of having a University of Arkansas Razorbacks logo for no additional cost affixed to the front two teeth of their braces on willing fans. And so begins the search for an Arkansas Razorbacks fan with more than one tooth.

4. Over the weekend, NBA superstar Dwyane Wade and longtime-girlfriend actress Gabrielle Union got married. Said Wade, “See, I told you I didn’t need LeBron to get a ring.”

5. The FBI is now investigating how internet users were able to obtain nude photos of many Hollywood actresses by hacking into their cellphones. Or at least that’s the story one FBI agent told his wife when she caught him on their home computer.

6. Comedian and actor Chris Tucker has reached a deal with the IRS after the government filed a $2.5 million lien against him for unpaid taxes. Turns out, it was Monday, he had a job and he had shit to do, like file his taxes.

7. According to Bloomberg, Apple plans to enable its next iPhone to become a mobile wallet allowing users to make on-the-go payments with the touch of a finger. “Hard pass,” said every actress in Hollywood.

8. The homeless man who accompanied Miley Cyrus to the MTV Video Music Awards last weekend, turned himself in to Oregon police on a probation violation charge on Friday. The Oregon jail where he is being housed said they conducted their most thorough delousing process ever, just to be safe.

9. On Saturday, the St. Louis Rams waived Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player to be drafted into the NFL. In addition to his previous title, Sam has now become the first openly gay football player to be cut from an NFL team and the first openly gay player to lower his expectations and consider the CFL.

10. This past weekend was Labor Day, or, as Donald Sterling thinks of it, “Great, now I have nothing to wear.”