March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

February 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A University of Arizona male cheerleader was ejected for heckling an Arizona State player during a basketball game last week. The cheerleader said being singled out was the second most embarrassing moment of his life right behind being a male cheerleader.

2. Malaysia detained rapper Namewee on Thursday over an “obscene” Lunar New Year music video depicting people in dog masks dancing in what appears to be the administrative capital of Putrajaya. And, in related news, Macklemore remains completely free.

3. On Friday, the New Yorker reported that Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal once had an affair with Donald Trump. Because, apparently, there wasn’t an option C:

4. Facebook announced that it will start using postcards sent by mail later this year to verify the identities and location of people who want to purchase U.S. election-related advertising on its site. Seems like a fool-proof plan:

5. On Wednesday, the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors announced that they will skip the traditional White House visit and spend time with needy kids in D.C. So at least someone will be spending time with Baron.

6. Swastikas and other graffiti were discovered at the Polish Embassy in Israel on Sunday. “Can I get the name of their interior decorator,” said Mel Gibson.

7. An Israeli company, which has developed a visual aid for the blind, has completed a funding round that values the company at $1 billion. A valuation that would only make sense if the company’s aid is a seeing eye-dog wrapped in 999,999,974 dollar bills.

8. A bill has been proposed in Iceland to ban non-medically required male circumcision. Said the country’s men, “We live in Iceland, ICE-land, we need all the length we can get.”

9. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for ‘superfans.’ “How do I set up a streaming service?” asked your grandparents while pushing buttons on the microwave.

10. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for “superfans.” Or, if you don’t want to pay the fee, you can just wait twenty minutes and read the stories word-for-word on Trump’s Twitter feed.

11. On Tuesday, golfer Tiger Woods was named vice-captain for the U.S. team in the upcoming Ryder Cup matches. Although, technically he was named captain, everyone just assumed the vice part:

12. It was discovered this week that a dating site for President Trump supporters used a sex offender as its model. The only way this could have been more on brand for Trump is if the site also allowed you to date your own daughter.

13. This week, the mayor of Dallas urged the NRA to find another city to host its annual convention. You know things have gotten pretty bad when Texas thinks you have too many guns.

14. On Tuesday, President Trump tried to discredit a woman who accused him of kissing her in Trump Tower by saying he would never do such a thing in a pubic place surrounded by security cameras.
Because if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s knowing when he’s being recorded:

15. While speaking to school shooting survivors at the White House on Wednesday, President Trump was photographed holding speaking notes that read “1. What would you most want me to know about your experience?” “2. What can we do to help you feel safe?” and “5. I hear you.” But that’s not surprising, Trump has a history of using notes to remember things:

16. A family version of the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl LI championship ring with “Brady” on it sold Sunday morning for $344,927. It’s the second time this year that Brady lost a ring:

17. According to a new study, excessive alcohol use could increase your risk for all types of dementia. That story again, drinking to forget your problems works!

18. Uber is dropping a legal appeal against the introduction of more stringent English language tests for drivers in London. Drivers that fail the test will move to New York City to become taxi drivers.

October 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop-star Katy Perry had a malfunction during a concert in Nashville last week that left her suspended in the air above the audience. But, to her credit, Perry’s been stuck in worse situations, after all, she was marred to Russell Brand for two years.

2. Singer Justine Skye dropped to a knee toward the end of her rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner prior to the Brooklyn Nets home opener against the Orlando Magic last Friday. Which seems pointless because I assume anyone at a Nets-Magic game is there in protest.

3. According to a new study, mothers around the world have similar responses to hearing their babies cry. And, strictly from the research I’ve conducted on planes, that response is to completely ignore their baby.

4. John McCain took what was widely seen as a swipe at President Trump as he condemned the ways in which wealthier Americans avoided serving in the Vietnam War. In response, Trump said, “Thank you for calling me ‘wealthy.’”

5. Nemo, the young dog adopted this year by France’s Emmanuel Macron, was caught on camera relieving himself on a gilded fireplace in the Elysee Palace on Monday. Hey, at least it’s your leader’s dog who doesn’t know where to pee:

6. According to a new study, smokers who have had more than five sexual partners are at a greater risk of getting cancer. Begging the question, how the fuck is Keith Richards still alive?

7. Last week, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said that adults will wear diapers instead of sharing a restroom with transgender people. That story again, Fox News host Laura Ingraham promises to shit herself to teach you a lesson.

8. According to a new study, people struggling with irritable bowel syndrome might do better on an individualized diet. And if you have irritable bowel syndrome, you should probably get used to do most things individually.

9. Singer Kid Rock ruled out running for Senate on Tuesday, saying that his earlier hints about seeking office next year were a lark to get publicity for his upcoming album. So good news, Kid Rock was joking about running for Senate, bad news, I don’t think he was joking about releasing a new album.

10. A Brooklyn mother-daughter duo were arrested last week for allegedly stealing $250,000 worth of Staples gift cards. Come on, be a contributing member of society, do what all the rest of us when we need office supplies, steal them from work.

11. Authorities say a man accused of trying to rent a car in Delaware using a fake ID was caught hiding in a trash can. But, to his credit, he’s really sticking to that ID:

12. Jeff Glor was named the anchor of ‘The CBS Evening News’ this week. CBS News is known for their in-depth investigative journalism so hopefully they’ll be able to figure out who the fuck Jeff Glor is.

13. This week the NAACP issued a travel advisory cautioning African Americans about flying on American Airlines. But, in their defense, as any student of U.S. history will tell you, naming themselves ‘American’ airlines should have been fair warning.

14. A scrap of paper where Albert Einstein wrote his “theory of happiness” in 1922 just sold for $1.56 million. Yet the scrap of paper where I wrote my “theory of happiness” remains unsold:

15. President Donald Trump declined to say on Wednesday whether he will visit the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone during an upcoming Asia tour. Said Trump, “Is there a golf course there?”


16. The number four ranked golfer in the world, Hideki Matsuyama, has accepted the invitation to play golf with President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe next month. Hopefully it goes better than Trump’s last outing with an Asian golfer:

17. Aston Martin has begun selling a special Tom Brady Signature Edition car for $359,950 that was designed by the New England quarterback himself. Not to be outdone, Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Kevin Hogan is looking to sell his 1992 Geo Metro.

18. Kellogg’s says it’s changing the art on its Corn Pops cereal box after a consumer complained it was racist. They’re also having a hard time explaining this picture:

19. Lady Gaga and former Vice President Joe Biden have teamed up to shoot a PSA against sexual assault. And, now, for the rebuttal:

20. The NYPD is currently searching for a man who left a crime scene wearing a fedora and a $48,000 watch. Police are calling every man who lives in New Jersey a person of interest.

April 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski popped his head into the White House briefing room to ask Press Secretary Sean Spicer if he needed any help. That story again, a man who shows obvious signs of severe and repeated brain trauma met Rob Gronkowski.

2. While making a speech in Wisconsin on Tuesday, President Trump called Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan by the wrong name multiple times. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Eric and Tiffany.

3. Last week, President Trump’s reelection campaign said it raised $7.1 million during the first three month this year. Although, that number could be a lot higher depending the on the strength of the ruble.

4. Marijuana advocates have vowed to smoke pot and get arrested on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building. They will join the long list of people who went to Washington with a purpose and then immediately forgot it upon arriving.

5. According to a new report, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson gave $5 million to Donald Trump’s inauguration effort. Because no one is better than Trump at blowing profits made in the casino business.

6. Quarterback Tom Brady skipped his SuperBowl champion New England Patriot’s trip to the White House yesterday. “No, you break the news to him,” said Reince to Jared:

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. “Not if I do it right,” said Bill Cosby.

8. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said President Trump was correct to say a U.S. battleship was headed to North Korea even though it was sailing in the opposite direction because it would head there eventually. Well, if we’re dealing in eventualities, I completely understand where disgraced, former White House Press Secretary and current member of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Sean Spicer is coming from.

9. According to sources, a Russian government think tank controlled by Vladimir Putin developed a plan to swing the 2016 U.S. presidential election to Donald Trump. Of course, in Russia, this is what a think tank looks like:

10. During the New England Patriot’s visit to the White House on Wednesday, President Trump likened their long-shot, comeback Superbowl victory to his own election victory. That unbelievable story again, Donald Trump managed to make something about himself.

March 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to ‘Forbes,’ Microsoft founder Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world. He regained the title the old fashioned way, by murdering Warren Buffett.

2. New England quarterback Tom Brady’s stolen, game-worn Superbowl jersey was recovered yesterday in Mexico found in the possession of a member of the international media. A story where Tom Brady is the hero and the bad guy is a Mexican journalist, or, as Trump refers to it, a wet dream.

3. Today is world puppetry day. Although some people have been celebrating for a while:

4. According to ‘Forbes,’ Donald Trump is worth $3.5 billion, which is a third of what he claimed he was worth during his presidential campaign. Which means somewhere in Trump Tower Melania is frantically typing 3.5 billion divided by 2 into a calculator.

5. Adidas has been testing a store where shoppers can design a sweater, have a body scan to determine fit and get it knitted by a state-of-the-art machine within hours. “You had me at sweater and full body scan,” said Cosby.

6. Yesterday, Eric Trump, the 33-year-old son of President Trump announced that he and his wife Lara are expecting their first child. Lara will obviously carry and deliver the baby because Eric is allergic to any type of labor.

7. According to a new interview, actor Tom Cruise has been training for over a year for a stunt in the upcoming ‘Mission Impossible’ film. That stunt, kissing a real, live woman.

8. The Cincinnati Zoo recently brought in a dog to take care of three tiger cubs abandoned by their mother. Or, I missed the best episode of ‘Maury’ ever:

9. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Which is still 15 minutes longer than Melania.

10. In a recent interview, comedian and actor Tim Allen said all the hatred for President Trump in Hollywood makes the town feel “like 1930s Germany.” “That’s not true,” said George Clooney and Mel Gibson for very different reasons.

February 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A porn website is holding auditions to find a Donald Trump look-alike to star in upcoming videos. Which, I guess means, they’ve already found their Putin.

2. French presidential candidate Jean-Luc Melenchon has been utilizing a holographic version of himself to make appearances on the campaign trail. Said President Trump, “Can you send one of those to my daily intel briefings?”

3. “The New York Times” is reporting that Trump White House aids hold meetings in the dark because they can’t figure out how to operate the light switches. The fact that people in the White House can work a light switch makes me hopeful that, even with his finger on the button, Trump won’t know how to use.

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it wanted an apology from Fox News after host Bill O’Reilly called Russian President Vladimir Putin “a killer.” Although, the Kremlin may have defeated their purpose when they ended their demand with “or else.”

5. The jersey Tom Brady wore during the SuperBowl, which experts estimate may be worth half a million dollars, has gone missing. “Half a million dollars?!? Find that damn kid!” said Mean Joe Greene:
joe-greene

6. Fox Television’s broadcast of Super Bowl LI on Sunday night drew 111.3 million viewers, according to Nielsen data released by the network on Monday. Actually, it was 111,300,004 viewers if you count the Atlanta secondary.

7. Facebook has launched a campaign to crack down on fake news in France, ahead of the country’s presidential election later this year. “Great timing!” said Hillary screaming into a pillow.

8. According to a South Korea news agency, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has fired his spy chief, Kim Won Hong. Not surprisingly, right before Jong-Un told Won Hong he was fired he said “ready, aim.”

9. Last week, retailer Neiman Marcus stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line in their stores. The last time someone got rid of some Trump jewelry that quickly Marla Maples was looking for a divorce attorney.

10. A German tourist attraction that features miniature models of various parts of the world has put up a wall around the United States, in a dig at President Donald Trump’s plan to build a border wall with Mexico. Although joke’s on you, Trump loves the model because it makes his hands look huge.

September 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After publicly supporting Hillary Clinton for months, reality star Kim Kardashian is reportedly now “on the fence” and is considering voting for Donald Trump. And although her vote remains unclear, one thing is for sure, that fence now has gonorrhea.
 
2. There will be no commercial breaks during tonight’s presidential debate. Well, at least not any formal commercial breaks:
trump-press

3. New England Patriots latest starting quarterback, third-string rookie Jacoby Brissett, could miss several weeks with a torn right thumb ligament suffered in Thursday’s win over the Texans. Ironically, the injury could have been avoided if the footballs were a little less inflated.
 
4. On Friday, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he was endorsing former rival Donald Trump for president. And, I gotta admit, that time before Cruz endorsed Trump was pretty scary because, for a couple of months there, I was proud of Ted Cruz.

5. A Boston man traveled to China for the world’s first-ever horse penis transplant. “First ever?” said Tommy Lee.

6. A woman in Ireland, who was starting a new job, recognized her new boss because he sent her a dick pic on Tinder. Begging the question, how lax is that’s office’s casual Friday policy that she was able to make that connection?

7. Last week, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson said, if elected, he would shut down the Department of Homeland Security. Thus, leaving the entire country vulnerable to flying pigs.

8. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. Said the dog, “How bout, for a change, you do the begging.”

9. Over the weekend, messaging app Snapchat announced a new product called Spectacles that are sunglasses that record ten seconds of video. To summarize, the new product is something that is worn on the body, records what’s going on and then is quickly deleted, or, as they are known in Charlotte, police body-cams.

10. A transgender man in South Africa made history over the weekend by giving birth to child with his transgender wife. So good luck to those parents in coming up with a concise answer when that kid eventually asks where babies come from.

September 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Pope Francis elevated Mother Teresa to sainthood. Where she takes her place along other notable religious dignitaries like Saint Peter, John the Baptist, and Bishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan.

2. On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he did not know who was behind the hacking of the U.S. Democratic Party. Saying, “It could have been anyone, including Democratic Vice Chairman Raymond Buckley’s third grade teacher Miss Worthy or DNC Treasurer Andrew Tobias’s middle child Henry who’s social security number is 342-65-5723.”

3. Last week, El Salvador’s annual church festival in which young men throw fiery, gasoline-soaked rags at one another took place in the streets. Although, to be fair, it is still one of the less dangerous things you’ll be exposed to as a young man in the Catholic Church.

4. According to India’s National Conservation Authority, the country has lost track of 83 tigers over the last eight months. And, no one is more nervous about 83 tigers just roaming around than Seigfred.

5. Last week, Princess Kate made waves by wearing a pair of pants from the Gap that only cost $30. Giving new meaning to the phrase, ‘Mind the Gap’:
kate middleton

6. A dedicated gamer in New York City brought a monitor and his Xbox onto a subway so he could continue playing. Which has got to be the best case scenario if someone on the subway asks if you want to play Black Hole Assault.

7. On Saturday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump visited an African-American church in Detroit, telling the audience, “I’m here today to learn.” So if Trump only goes to places where learning is happening, I guess that explains why he never visited Trump University.

8. After their starting quarterback got injured during a game on Saturday, Navy pulled a freshman from the stands to play the position for the rest of the game. Going from a spectator in the stands to a starting quarterback, or, as it’s more commonly known, a reverse Tebow.

9. To celebrate their 100th anniversary, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs set a Guinness Record on Friday by preparing 1,916 hotdogs, wrapping them in tin foil and assembling them in a continuous line at their store in Manhattan’s Grand Central Terminal. And, of course, I was the guy behind that order in line.

10. When speaking of his teammate Tom Brady’s suspension, New England wide receiver Julian Edelman said, “It’s like one of your buddies going to jail.” “Actually, you know what’s more like that…” said Aaron Hernandez.

July 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, at the Democratic Convention, when speaking of her running mate, Hillary Clinton said, “for those of you just getting to know Tim Kaine.” Although, she could have saved a lot of time by saying, “Hey, everyone.”

2. During her speech last night at the Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton said, America has, “the most generous and tolerant young people we’ve ever had.” So tolerant and generous that they’ll hopefully vote for their second choice for the Democratic presidential nominee.

3. Last night Hillary Clinton said, “I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.” And, I gotta say, after practicing it in the mirror every night for the past eight years, she nailed it.

4. At the conclusion of Hillary Clinton’s speech last night at the Democratic Convention, the arena was covered in hundreds and hundreds of balloons. And, in keeping with that theme, the old, crotchety man from ‘Up’ made an appearance:
bernie1

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday tried to quell the outrage over his call for Russia to find Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails, saying he was being sarcastic. Said Trump, “Can’t you tell when I’m being sarcastic? I raise my voice, gesticulate wildly with my arms and make over-the-top statements.”

6. According to a new study, people exposed to high lighting in the evening, and low lighting in the morning are more likely to gain weight. “What about fluorescent lighting?” said Chris Christie:
krisy kreme

7. The website of Melania Trump, wife of the Republican presidential nominee, was deleted from the internet on Wednesday amid questions of whether she actually earned the college degree she claimed on her site. But, if she didn’t get her degree, how do you explain this:
harvard

8. During his speech Tuesday night, Bill Clinton revealed that it took three tries to get Hillary to marry him. Same with Donald and Melania, except the first two were with other women.

9. During his speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night, Bill Clinton labeled his wife, Hillary, as a ‘change maker. Saying, “For instance, I used to sleep in the bed, she changed that, now I sleep on the sofa.”

10. According to a new report, it is completely safe to eat raw cookie dough. We’re just one announcement of Cheetos being good for you away from me being a fucking nutritionist.

11. On Friday, former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke announced his intentions to run for U.S. Senate in the state of Louisiana. I’m not sure he’s qualified to be a senator but he definitely has the requisite experience to hammer down the wooden stakes needed to erect a campaign sign in front yards.

12. A rare flower that smells like a corpse is set to bloom this week in New York City. Once it blooms, it is expected to make the city smell better.

13. This week, the UK’s first double hand transplant operation took place and the patient says his new hands look “tremendous”. So, yeah, it’s exactly who you think it is:
trump hands

14. Under his four game suspension, New England quarterback Tom Brady is not allowed to even play catch with his Patriot teammates. Mark Sanchez is also unable to play catch with his teammates, but that’s just because he sucks.

15. Scientists in the U.K. have reportedly discovered a woman who can see 99 million more colors than a normal person. “You’re gonna wear that shirt with those pants?” said the woman to her husband every day of his goddamn life.