September 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, over 80 million viewers tuned in to watch the first presidential debate, which beat Monday Night Football. Apparently viewers decided to skip watching people getting concussions in favor of watching two people who already have them.
 
2. According to the Department of Transportation, the fastest growing group of Americans behind the wheel are people over the age of 85. Although, they didn’t say how far behind the wheel:
hearse

3. According to a new study, 1 out of every 10 babies born in Europe is conceived in an IKEA bed. That story again, the relationship of 1 out of 10 couples somehow survived a trip to IKEA.
 
4. A new study found that men exposed to dioxin, a chemical once common in herbicides, may be less likely to father boys. And in related news, Woody Allen has covered himself in dioxin.
 
5. In preparation for the second debate, one possibility being floated internally is Chris Christie taking the leading role in getting Donald Trump ready. Said Christie, “Two questions, where is the next debate and will Hillary have to cross any bridges to get there?”
 
6. When pressed during a town hall Wednesday night to name a foreign leader he admired, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson was flustered and unable to do so. But, in his defense, every single foreign leader doesn’t know who the fuck he is either.
 
7. Testimony by a former ally of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie that the Republican knew about the “Bridgegate” traffic scandal could endanger any possible political future he has in a Trump administration. Also jeopardizing Christie’s future, bakeries.
 
8. Although current U.S. guidelines encourage women to stop drinking while trying to get pregnant, a new Danish study suggests giving up alcohol may not be necessary for improving the chances of conceiving. Especially if you’re ugly.
 
9. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion. “Did they report on what half of that comes out to?” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, appearing in his first minor league baseball, Tim Tebow hit a homerun during his first at bat on the first pitch he saw. It’s amazing what Tebow can accomplish when he doesn’t have to throw a ball.

11. A toilet museum has opened in South Korea. Last employee to leave every night has to put the seat down.

12. A Memphis woman walked into her home this week to find two burglars having sex on her couch. Said the burglars, “Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?”

13. Donald Trump told reporters that he gave Hillary Clinton a C+ for her performance during Monday night’s presidential debate. But, in his defense, he’s not used to giving out grades since he never once showed up to Trump University.

14. Republican Party presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted on Tuesday that he raised $13 million in 24 hours from online donations. Now comes the hard part, figuring out how not to pay taxes on any of it.
 
15. Plans have been approved for a nudist park in the city of Paris. Which seems like a great idea until you remember Gerard Depardieu:
gerard

16. Monday night’s presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was seen by a record 80.9 million TV viewers, which is double the amount of viewers who tuned in for the final episode of “All in the Family.” Which makes sense, because one featured a racist misogynist who speaks his mind and a woman who yells at him in a shrill voice and the other was “All in the Family.”

17. During Monday night’s debate, police in Lawrence, Kansas tweeted out a reminder that being mad at a political candidate is not a valid reason to call 911. “But you’re the only people who will take my calls,” said Jeb.

18. There is a growing trend on college campuses where the schools offer ball pits for overwhelmed students to relax. Or, as it is referred to at Arizona State University, a graduate course.

19. A Michigan man mowed a 58,000 square foot Trump sign in his lawn. Apparently he heard a voice that said “If you build it, you are dumb.”

20. An Arizona boys high school soccer team forfeited a match last week after refusing to play its opponent because there were girls on their roster. So now, if we could just get girls on every boys soccer team we’ll never have to watch another soccer game ever again.

21. Last week, during an interview, the Dalai Lama made fun of Donald Trump. Dude, what the fuck? You don’t see me talking about inner peace, you stick to your thing and I’ll stick to mine.

22. A mobile app dubbed “order a daddy” has launched that allows women to select a sperm donor via their smartphone. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Anthony Weiner.

23. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. “They can do that!?!” said a visibly concerned Michael Vick.

24. In a new interview, Kim Kardashian said she would like to go to law school. She knows that passing the bar and lowering the bar are two different things, right?

September 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the price of gold went down and the value of the Mexican peso went up. And you thought Donald Trump had a rough Monday.

2. There’s a new brand of coffee that promises to give men erections. Thus, giving knew meaning to the phrase, “If I drink that, I’ll be up all night.”

3. Three former officials of Kenya’s disbanded Olympic committee were charged on Wednesday with theft and fraud offences relating to this year’s Games in Rio de Janeiro. The court should probably set bail pretty high because I can’t think of anyone more of a flight risk than a bunch of Kenyans.
 
4. Last weekend, thousands attended Libya’s first ever Comic-Con. Convention goers dressed up as their favorite comic book characters including Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman:
libya-comic

5. At a campaign rally on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump characterized his opponent Hillary Clinton as “stuck in the past.” He realizes his campaign slogan has the word ‘again’ in it, right?

6. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion, not the $10 billion that Trump claimed. But, in Trump’s defense, it looks a lot bigger in his hands.

7. According to reports, actor Alec Baldwin will portray Donald Trump this season on “Saturday Night Live.” But if that’s true, who will play the role of future President Jim Webb?:
baldwin

8. In a recent interview, Miley Cyrus claimed that she was the least paid actor on the “Hannah Montana” TV series. Wait, people got paid for that? I just assumed everyone involved lost a bet or something.

9. A 21-year-old Australian man has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time. Because, as everyone knows, once you go black widow you don’t go back, kiddo.

10. In a recent interview, actress Courtney Cox said her friend Jennifer Aniston was not involved in any part of the recent split between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Because as any sports fan will tell you, celebrating when you team wins doesn’t mean you were involved in the win.

September 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It has been reported that pop icon Madonna bought her son a Donald Trump piñata. Which is Eric and Don Jr.’s best bet for their father to finally show up to one of their birthdays.

2. SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said Tuesday that a self-sustaining colony of people could be living on Mars within 50 to 150 years. “Sooner!” said people who watch the debate Monday night.

3. Following Monday night’s presidential debate, Republican candidate Donald Trump said he would attack Hillary Clinton more during the next debate by bringing up her husband’s infidelity, vowing to “hit her harder.” Said Bill, “That’s what she said.”
 
4.  Six senators on Tuesday demanded that Yahoo explain why hackers’ theft of user information for 500 million accounts two years ago came to light only last week. Said Yahoo, “Being just two years behind the times is why ahead of the curve for most Yahoo email users.”
 
5. On Tuesday, it was announced that the Americas became the first region in the world to eliminate the measles. “Alright, then I guess this is something else,” said Snooki.
 
6. Following Monday night’s debate, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump doubled-down on his criticism of Alicia Machado, a former Miss Universe, saying “she gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem.” Thus giving Melania a solid exit strategy.
 
7. Monday night, reality TV star Rob Kardashian, apparently angry at his little sister Kylie Jenner, tweeted out her cell phone number. Which isn’t that scandalous when you consider that it’s already written on most men’s bathroom stalls throughout the greater L.A. area.
 
8. A Muslim-American will appear in Playboy magazine’s October issue wearing a hijab. Said loyal Playboy readers, “Seriously, they could have been wearing them on their head all along and I never wouldn’t have noticed.”

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he does not think anyone over the age of 8 should put ketchup on their hotdog. “You’re not my dad and you’ll never be!” said Joe Biden as he ran up to his room and slammed the door.

10. An Illinois man pleaded guilty on Tuesday to hacking the e-mail accounts of many female celebrities and leaking nude photos of them online. The court proceedings went smoothly except at the start when the bailiff asked everyone to please rise and a couple of guys said they’d rather not.

September 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After last night’s first presidential debate many viewers came away saying that both candidates did little to help their image as they continued to lie. For instance, during the debate Donald Trump said he was never in favor of the Iraq war, while at one point Hillary Clinton said “It’s great to be here with you, Donald.”

2. During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said she had a feeling before the night was through that Donald Trump would say she was responsible for every bad thing that ever happened. Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, everyone knows that Ted Cruz’s father is responsible for JFK’s assassination.”

3. During Monday night’s debate, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he thinks he provided a great service to the country by getting President Obama to release his birth certificate. Luckily this time bone spurs didn’t get in the way of Trump serving his country.

4. Puppets resembling presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump squared off in New York City on Monday a few hours before the real debate. No word on who was working the Clinton and Trump puppets, but I’m gonna guess the big banks and Vladimir Putin respectively.

5. On Monday, Glenn Beck, a staunch Ted Cruz supporter in the 2016 GOP presidential race, apologized to listeners for backing Cruz after the Senator’s recent endorsement of Donald Trump. So add that to the long list of reasons to hate Ted Cruz, he made me like Glenn Beck.

6. Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday because she didn’t have credentials to be there. Marking the first time anyone has ever been rejected from Hofstra. (You’re a safety school at best, deal with it)

7. According to a new poll, Mexicans favor Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton over Republican Donald Trump by a 10-1 ratio. A 10-1 ratio of Mexicans, or, as Donald Trump calls it, his recurring nightmare.

8. A Shanghai restaurant has closed down a day after being awarded a coveted Michelin star. So, at this rate, Guy Fieri’s restaurant will be open forever.

9. The Backstreet Boys have announced plans to play a Las Vegas residency in 2017. In a city of gambling, the boy band will serve as a constant reminder to save your money.

10. A transgender man in South Africa made history over the weekend by giving birth to a child with his transgender wife. “So, which one of you is breastfeeding me?” said a very confused baby.

September 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After publicly supporting Hillary Clinton for months, reality star Kim Kardashian is reportedly now “on the fence” and is considering voting for Donald Trump. And although her vote remains unclear, one thing is for sure, that fence now has gonorrhea.
 
2. There will be no commercial breaks during tonight’s presidential debate. Well, at least not any formal commercial breaks:
trump-press

3. New England Patriots latest starting quarterback, third-string rookie Jacoby Brissett, could miss several weeks with a torn right thumb ligament suffered in Thursday’s win over the Texans. Ironically, the injury could have been avoided if the footballs were a little less inflated.
 
4. On Friday, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he was endorsing former rival Donald Trump for president. And, I gotta admit, that time before Cruz endorsed Trump was pretty scary because, for a couple of months there, I was proud of Ted Cruz.

5. A Boston man traveled to China for the world’s first-ever horse penis transplant. “First ever?” said Tommy Lee.

6. A woman in Ireland, who was starting a new job, recognized her new boss because he sent her a dick pic on Tinder. Begging the question, how lax is that’s office’s casual Friday policy that she was able to make that connection?

7. Last week, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson said, if elected, he would shut down the Department of Homeland Security. Thus, leaving the entire country vulnerable to flying pigs.

8. Last week, a woman in Colorado was stabbed by her dog. Said the dog, “How bout, for a change, you do the begging.”

9. Over the weekend, messaging app Snapchat announced a new product called Spectacles that are sunglasses that record ten seconds of video. To summarize, the new product is something that is worn on the body, records what’s going on and then is quickly deleted, or, as they are known in Charlotte, police body-cams.

10. A transgender man in South Africa made history over the weekend by giving birth to child with his transgender wife. So good luck to those parents in coming up with a concise answer when that kid eventually asks where babies come from.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” Which is weird because in my dreams Scarlett Johansson is there too.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. Hell, he’s been doing it to his own daughter for years:
frisk

3. An Iowa man was arrested last night for allegedly measuring his penis with a ruler inside a college library bathroom. And, in even worse news for the man, it was so small he had to use the dewey decimal system.

4. This week, a burglar broke into a California YMCA and stole play money from a toy cash register. Police officers were able to track the man down, but were forced to let him go after he furnished one of these:
card

5. In a recent interview, rapper The Game revealed that he’s slept with Blac Chyna and both Kim and Khloe Kardashian. So, I guess in this instance, you can hate both the player and The Game.

6. A woman in Argentina tried to win back her boyfriend by stripping naked in the middle of the road and stopping traffic. So now, she’s a red flag on Waze too.

7. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Said the new kid, “Why am I here? It was less crowded at the orphanage.”

8. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would seek to reverse President Obama’s moves to open relations with Cuba. Adding, “That place is a mess, I’ve never seen somewhere so overrun with Mexicans.”

9. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, the complete opposite is suggested if your wife is ugly.

10. The TV ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards were the lowest ever in the history of the show. In fact, if the ratings got any lower, the Emmys would be running for president.

September 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” The current working title of the film is “The Best Movie Ever Made!”
 
2. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” Which is weird because in my dreams Scarlett Johansson is there too.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. Hell, he’s been doing it to his own daughter for years:
frisk

4. An Iowa man was arrested last night for allegedly measuring his penis with a ruler inside a college library bathroom. And, in even worse news for the man, it was so small he had to use the dewey decimal system.

5. This week, a burglar broke into a California YMCA and stole play money from a toy cash register. Police officers were able to track the man down, but were forced to let him go after he furnished one of these:
card

6. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is preparing for two Donald Trumps for the upcoming presidential debates, a disciplined Donald and a freewheeling Donald. While Trump is preparing for two Hillary Clintons, the real Hillary and her body double.
 
7. One of Vladimir Putin’s closest friends said on Thursday he believes Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States. That friend, you guessed it, Donald Trump.
 
8. An Ohio county chair for the Trump campaign resigned following an interview published Thursday, in which she suggested there was “no racism” until President Obama was elected and called the Black Lives Matter movement “a stupid waste of time.” I assume she was forced to resign because she was promoted.
 
9. A woman in Brooklyn reportedly lived with the corpse of her dead son for over a decade. Said the woman, “I had no idea he was dead, you’d think my dog would have let me know”:
dead-dog

10. A new app called Real has launched that is billed as Tinder for platonic relationships. So, even in the best case scenario, after a date, men will still go home and swipe themselves.

11. Residents have noticed that the newly introduced Canada paper money smells like maple syrup. Also smelling like maple syrup, everything else in Canada.

12. A new study has confirmed what was long suspected, that people gain weight during the holidays. So I’m guessing the Christie household is one of those homes that leaves it Christmas lights up year round.

13. Over the weekend, a woman in New York intentionally drove into oncoming traffic to avoid going to New Jersey. Although I kinda blame the state’s new motto:
jersey

14. A writer dashed past firefighters into a burning New Orleans house last week to rescue two completed novels stored on his laptop. Sounds like he has the same IT people as Hillary.

15. Apple’s new software update includes single parent emojis. And, despite recent divorce news, I think the eggplant will still be Anthony Weiner’s most used emoji.

September 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. The person he’d put in charge, you guessed it, Roger Ailes.

2. London’s Madame Tussauds museum said on Wednesday it had separated its wax figure replicas of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt after the Hollywood power couple announced their split. No word on which figure got custody of the wax replica of Webster.
 
3. On Wednesday, the Trump campaign started selling “Make America Great Again” sweatbands. Sweatbands, which were popular in the 80’s, harken back to a simple, happier time when there was no ISIS, Zika didn’t exist, and Donald Trump wasn’t running for president.

4. Yesterday, South Korea confirmed that it has a military plan to remove North Korea’s Kim Jong Un from power. The plan consists of leaving a trail of donuts that lead directly into the sea.

5. In a recent interview, rapper The Game revealed that he’s slept with Blac Chyna and both Kim and Khloe Kardashian. So, I guess in this instance, you can hate both the player and The Game.

6. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Unfortunately they’ll have to come up with a new name for the show because “20 Kids and Counting” is already the title to Jared Fogel’s autobiography.

7. Last week, a New York assemblyman who killed himself won re-election despite being dead. So, that’s one option, Donald.

8. A pair of Crocs retailing at $150 debuted at London Fashion week on Wednesday. Because if you live in England why should your teeth be the only part of your body that looks terrible.

9. Last week, Blac Chyna said she plans to eat her placenta after giving birth. Yet another reason for me to never learn who Blac Chyna is.

10. A Florida man was found guilty on Friday of attempted murder for shooting at George Zimmerman during a roadside confrontation earlier this year. Said the judge, “It’s really the ‘attempted’ part that makes me the most angry.”

September 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, while giving a speech Monday night, former President George H.W. Bush said he intends to vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump in November. Even worse, he said he made this decision back when Jeb was still running.

2. On Tuesday, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who have six children together, three of whom are adopted, announced that they are getting a divorce. “So, what’s you return policy?” said Pitt to Africa.
 
3. Yesterday, actress Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from husband Brad Pitt. Sounds like someone finally got around to seeing “The Tree of Life.”
 
4. In a tweet this week, Donald Trump Jr. compared Syrian refugees to Skittles. Which explains the Trump campaign’s new slogan “Displace the Rainbow.”

5. According to a recent New York Times report, Chinese people are less inclined to get married. But, to be fair, it’s hard to commit when there are literally 1.4 billion other fish in the sea.

6. An employee of the Royal Canadian Mint allegedly smuggled $180,000 in gold out of the fortress-like facility by hiding it in his rectum. Authorities became suspicious when the employee went to the bathroom and it sounded like someone hit the jackpot on a slot machine.

7. The “Naked Trump” statue that was perched on a rooftop near the Holland Tunnel for the past five days has been stolen. But don’t worry you’ll still be able to see it in your nightmares forever.

8. A German goalkeeper was arrested after conceding 43 goals in one soccer game. Said his teammates to the police, “Where were you 42 goals ago?”

9. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. “Please be a sister. Please be a sister,” said Josh Duggar.

10. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, it only works with certain bright lights:
neon

September 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Argentina tried to win back her boyfriend by stripping naked in the middle of the road and stopping traffic. So now, she’s a red flag on Waze too.

2. The Duggar family from TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” is adopting a twentieth child. Said the new kid, “Why am I here? It was less crowded at the orphanage.”

3. Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, said he views Dick Cheney as a role model for the job of vice president. Which is terrible news for Pence’s hunting buddies.

4. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would seek to reverse President Obama’s moves to open relations with Cuba. Adding, “That place is a mess, I’ve never seen somewhere so overrun with Mexicans.”

5. According to a new scientific trial, exposure to bright light can raise testosterone levels and lead to greater sexual satisfaction in men with low sexual desire. Although, the complete opposite is suggested if your wife is ugly.

6. The TV ratings for Sunday night’s Emmy Awards were the lowest ever in the history of the show. In fact, if the ratings got any lower, the Emmys would be running for president.

7. According to a new study, 86% of American men are satisfied with their penis. “Well, at least someone is,” said their wives.

8. On Sunday night, the official Twitter account for the 2016 Emmys mistakingly identified Terrence Howard as Cuba Gooding Jr. And, say what you will, but the Oscars never had that problem.

9. According to a new study, beer makes people less shy about sex, especially women. “Actually, I’ve found that any beverage will do,” said Bill Cosby.

10. Former President George W. Bush announced last week that he will be releasing a book of his paintings in 2017. So, to reiterate, the president who was mercilessly mocked for his perceived low intelligence, is releasing a book consisting solely of pictures.