July 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to repots, the waters in Rio de Janeiro where Olympians will compete in swimming events during next year’s summer games are rife with human sewage. So advantage athletes from New Jersey.

2. According to a new poll, likely Democratic runner-up Bernie Sanders would beat Republican frontrunner Donald Trump if the general presidential election were held today. No word on whether the flying pigs would be allowed to vote as well.

3. EuroDisney in Paris is being accused of over-charging Germans, sometimes double the normal ticket prices, to get into the park. Even more infuriating for those Germans, once they got inside the park, it was filled with children’s laughter.

4. A brown and black-haired cat has been renamed “Lucky” after surviving while being trapped underwater for at least an hour inside a sunken powerboat in Arizona. “How much to shoot that cat?” said a Minneapolis dentist.

5. On Thursday, HBO said its most-watched series “Game of Thrones” will likely run for only three more seasons. Because, by then, they’ll have run out of actors in Hollywood to play new parts.

6. The new Windows 10 operating system includes a feature called WiFi Sense that allows users to automatically log their friends into their WiFi network without having to give them their password. “Well, my life just became a lot easier,” said your neighbor.

7. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would love to have Sarah Palin in his administration because she “is someone who knows what’s happening.” But don’t you dare ask her what she’s reading to find out what’s happening.

8. A teenage couple won $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits completely out of duct tape. Now comes the hard part, finding a college that will accept those idiots.

9. According to sources, Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansur was unanimously voted to become the new leader of the Taliban. And, say what you will about the Taliban, their elections are efficient. Meanwhile, we’re stuck with another 15 months of Trump.

10. The Financial Times reported that ride hailing service Uber is set to invest $1 billion in India. They reportedly got the idea by looking at any New York City taxi driver.

11. According to a new study, odds are against obese men and women ever returning to a healthy weight. You can read more about it in this month’s Medical Journal of Excuses.

12. The mafia museum in Las Vegas is set to open a new exhibit exploring corruption at FIFA, soccer’s scandal-plagued governing body. So if you thought soccer was boring before, wait til you see it in museum-form.

13. George Washington University has become the largest and most prestigious college to make standardized tests, like the SAT, optional for applicants. Said prospective freshmen, “That’s a great decision and, if I every meet him, I’d shake Mr. Washington’s hand.”

14. Donald Trump said he is self-financing his presidential campaign. Apparently, he wants to make his investments in those bankrupt Atlantic City casinos look good in comparison.

15. On Monday, while in Ethiopia, President Obama met ‘Lucy,’ a 3.2 million-year-old partial skeleton. Or, as FoxNews reported it, “Two people who lack a backbone met.”

16. Three men in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. And, in a related story, I now believe in God.

17. Over the weekend, President Obama dined with his step-grandmother, his sister and other extended family members after arriving in Kenya for his first official presidential visit to the country. The family dog was also present “for dinner.”

18. Last week, the Winklevoss twins filed paperwork to operate a bitcoin exchange in New York. “That’s not a bad idea,” said Mark Zuckerberg.

19. Over the weekend, three-time world champion surfer Mick Fanning returned to the water for the first time since surviving a shark attack during a competition last week. Even more impressive, Fanning was able to balance himself on his surfboard despite his gigantic balls.

20. According to leaked emails, Sony made changes to the new Adam Sandler movie “Pixels” so it was more palatable to audiences in China. The Chinese version of the film is the opening title immediately followed by the closing credits.

July 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump lashed out Wednesday at a female lawyer whom he called “disgusting” several years ago for requesting a break to pump breast milk in the middle of a deposition. So congratulations to Trump who, in a story about breast milk, somehow still emerged as the biggest baby.

2. A mobile home belonging to the daughter of Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin will be removed from its parking spot on the grounds of the governor’s mansion after it was found to be in violation of zoning laws. Apparently, the trailer was blocking access to the outhouse.

3. On Wednesday, the United Nations said India is set to overtake China and become the world’s most populous country by 2022. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast,” said Pakistan.

4. Ukraine has banned French actor Gerard Depardieu from entering the country in response to comments he made in which he appeared to support Russia’s annexation of Crimea last year. Vatican City has also banned Depardieu from stepping foot in its country because they don’t think he’ll fit.

5. Ukraine has banned French actor Gerard Depardieu from entering the country in response to comments he made in which he appeared to support Russia’s annexation of Crimea last year. This marks the first country and twenty-seventh buffet to ban the actor.

6. A New York man was arrested for driving an ice cream truck, intoxicated, wearing only his underwear and yelling at children. “Did it work?” said Jerry Sandusky.

7. A New York man was arrested for driving an ice cream truck, intoxicated, wearing only his underwear and yelling at children. The police, much like the man, were all out of good humor.

8. According to a new study, testosterone therapy did not improve ejaculation problems in men with low testosterone. Scientists at the lab called the study “enlightening” while janitors called it “mercifully over.”

9. Sony has signed a near seven figure deal to make a movie about emojis. Which can’t be good news for my wingdings script.

10. According to Random House, actor James Franco has written a book about singer Lana Del Ray. It is the first thing Franco has done that critics cannot call “unwatchable.”

July 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Los Angeles home of actor Rob Schneider was burglarized Monday night, with the intruders making off with a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card valued at $175,000. Hopefully the burglars also made off with all drafts of any future Deuce Bigelow movies.

2. The Los Angeles home of actor Rob Schneider was burglarized Monday night, with the intruders making off with a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card valued at $175,000. Which can only mean one thing, Adam Sandler bought Rob Schneider a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card.

3. In an interview on the Sarah Palin radio network, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would consider having the former Alaska governor in an official capacity in a Trump administration. “Trump/Palin! I’ll print up the signs,” said Hillary.

4. George Washington University has become the largest and most prestigious college to make standardized tests, like the SAT, optional for applicants. So now diploma is to George Washington University as greek currency is to the world.

5. On Tuesday, President Obama said he is confident if he could run for a third term he would win. Or, as it was reported on FoxNews, Obama threatens to rewrite the Constitution.

6. A top advisor to Donald Trump apologized on Tuesday for making “inarticulate” comments on the subject of marital rape. Although you can tell he’s not that really a top Trump advisor since he thought it would be a good idea to apologize.

7. On Tuesday, the Arizona Cardinals made history by hiring the first female coach in NFL history. Begging the question, if that’s true, who’s been teaching the Jets quarterbacks to throw these past few years?

8. In response to old allegations made by Ivana Trump, a top advisor to Donald Trump said you can’t rape your wife. “That’s outrageous! No one tells me who I can and cannot rape,” said Bill Cosby.

9. In an interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said embattled FIFA head Sepp Blatter deserves a Nobel Prize. More specifically, President Obama’s Nobel Prize.

10. In a recent study, North Korea was named the worst place to be a Christian. Although, they could have left out the ‘a Christian’ part and it still would have been accurate.

July 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday vowed to battle climate change with a plan to generate enough clean energy to power every U.S. home by 2027. Her plan, get rid of a lot of U.S. homes by 2027.

2. A new study suggests, teens are more likely to use electronic cigarettes if their fiends and family view them as cool. That story again, douchebags tend to hang out together.

3. A fugitive bank robber-turned-actor was arrested on Monday in Washington after U.S. agents spotted his picture in a newspaper article about a low-budget horror film in which he plays an evil doctor. Said the man, “I knew I should have taken that role in ‘Pixels,’ no one would have seen me in that.”

4. The FDA has banned the import of fresh cilantro from Mexico after evidence showed the crop could be tainted with human feces. Said Taco Bell, “Ew, cilantro.”

5. While giving a speech in Florida, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the race for the Republican nomination will be a long one and called himself “a joyful tortoise.” “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Mitch McConnell.

6. After getting into a fight with his girlfriend Mia Goth in Germany Friday night, actor Shia LaBeouf said he “would have killed her” if onlookers hadn’t intervened. Marking the first time anyone was happy to have watched something that Shia LaBeouf was involved in.

7. Thirty-five women who allege they were sexually assaulted by comedian Bill Cosby are featured on the cover of this week’s ‘New York’ magazine. Said Cosby, “See, you’re on the cover of a magazine, I told I would help you with your careers.”

8. After the premiere of “Sharknado 3” last week, the SyFy network confirmed that there will be a “Sharknado 4.” Which means somewhere in the world there’s a room full of monkeys on typewriters hard at work.

9. Three man in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. Giving new meaning to the term “lightning rod.”

10. Doctors in China saved a man’s severed hand by initially grafting it onto his leg. Said the man, “It would have been really convenient if you had attached it just a little bit higher.”

July 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. After the premiere of “Sharknado 3” last week, the SyFy network confirmed that there will be a “Sharknado 4.” “Yay! Another day of work,” said the writers.

2. Last week, Senator Marco Rubio said that Donald Trump’s campaign has not conducted itself in a “dignified way.” Trump responded by calling Rubio’s mother a whore.

3. Three man in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. Unsurprisingly, seeing three guys get hit by lightning was not even close to the most disturbing thing most beachgoers saw that day.

4. In a recent interview, actor Tom Cruise said he would be open to reprising his 1980s role as U.S. Navy pilot Maverick in a possible sequel to “Top Gun.” “Can we make it a prequel?” said Goose.

5. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on Friday blamed Amtrak for a week of nightmarish commutes to and from New York. Although, isn’t every trip from New York to New Jersey a nightmare?

6. Fiat Chrysler will recall 1.4 million vehicles to install security software to prevent hackers from gaining remote control of the engine and steering capabilities. Up until this point, the most effective security Fiat had against criminals was being a Fiat.

7. The Electronic Sports League, a competitive video-gaming organization, will begin testing players for performance enhancing drugs next month. Competitors will be suspended if no traces of pot are found in their system.

8. Radio host Colin Cowherd will no longer appear on ESPN following insensitive remarks he made about baseball players from the Dominican Republic. Now, the best place to catch Cowherd is on ESPN Deportes being hung in effigy.

9. On Sunday, cyclist Chris Froome clinched his second Tour de France title in three years. So congratulations to Froome and whoever provided him with clean urine.

10. Sony has signed a near seven figure deal to make a movie about emojis. The only question is will Adam Sandler or Johnny Depp star in it?

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Thursday said a two-state solution for Israel and the Palestinians was the only resolution to the conflict there. Hillary said she got the idea from her and Bill’s two-bed solution.

2. On Thursday, it was announced that Angeline Jolie will adapt a Cambodian author’s war memoir into a feature-length film for Netflix. Jolie agreed to the project after mishearing the word ‘adapt.’

3. This week, Donald Trump’s kids released a statement calling their father “a true visionary and mentor.” And, by mentor, I assume they mean they intend to follow in their father’s footsteps by inheriting their daddy’s money and pretending like they earned it.

4. According to a new study, the average donation to Democrat Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is $145. Of which, on average, $100 is immediately donated to the presidential campaign of Donald Trump.

5. According to a new study, Bill and Melinda Gates are the world’s wealthiest couple. That story again, the richest man in the world married a woman named Melinda.

6. A surfing competition in South Africa was cancelled after a shark attacked one of the competitors. Begging the question, how can we get sharks to WNBA games?

7. On Tuesday, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy for president, becoming the 16th Republican candidate in a already crowded field. Which means, in many historically red states, like Alabama and Mississippi, the Republican primary ballot will be the longest thing voters have ever read.

8. The New York Times reported on Saturday, in an old deposition, Bill Cosby said he had sexual relationships with at least five women and tried to hide the affairs from his wife. And, apparently, also the women.

9. According to Forbes, golfer Tiger Woods is the most overpaid athlete in the world. Upon hearing this, the Knicks immediately signed him to a 10-year contract.

10. Cyclist Chris Froome claims a spectator threw a cup of urine at him and yelled “doper” during Stage 14 of the Tour de France. Which serves as a lesson to all other riders to be more specific when you say your goal is to get the yellow jersey.

July 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Thursday said a two-state solution for Israel and the Palestinians was the only resolution to the conflict there. Hillary said she got the idea from her and Bill’s two-bed solution.

2. Yesterday, NASA’s Kepler spacecraft discovered a new planet so similar to our own that scientists are calling it Earth’s cousin. Or, as southern scientists are calling it, Earth’s wife.

3. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry on Thursday defended the Iran nuclear deal against its critics, saying it would be fantasy to think the United States could simply “bomb away” Tehran’s atomic know-how. Agreed, because if we learned anything from Japan it’s that it will take at least two bombs.

4. On Thursday, presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I think I’ll win the Hispanic vote [because] over the years, thousands and thousands of Hispanics have worked for me.” Cause, you know how everyone loves their boss, right?

5. Yesterday, the White House said side deals between Iran and IAEA will not affect the nuclear agreement reached between the U.S. and Iran. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “Any deal we make trumps any deal made with a furniture company.”

6. According to a new poll, neither Bill Clinton, George Clooney, Michelle Obama, nor Oprah Winfrey would come close to challenging the stranglehold Hillary Clinton currently has on the Democratic presidential nomination. The fact that polling companies are so bored that they’re coming up with hypothetical rivals does not bode well for the chances of real candidates like Bernie Sanders and Lincoln Chafee.

7. A new study found that people were more likely to have mental health issues if they had toxic relationships with co-workers than if they were on friendly terms with colleagues. Which leads to a real chicken-or-the-egg conundrum for the people who work in Congress.

8. On Thursday, it was announced that Angeline Jolie will adapt a Cambodian author’s war memoir into a feature-length film for Netflix. Jolie agreed to the project after mishearing the word ‘adapt.’

9. A person shot a dog in Milwaukee yesterday amid reports of a lion on the loose. That story again, a guy in Milwaukee shot a dog and has a pretty bad excuse.

10. This week, Donald Trump’s kids released a statement calling their father “a true visionary and mentor.” And, by mentor, I assume they mean they intend to follow in their father’s footsteps, inherit their daddy’s money and pretend like they earned it.

11. This week, Donald Trump’s kids released a statement calling their father “a true visionary and mentor.” And you can tell that he was their mentor because they released a statement no one asked for, desperately hoping the media would pay attention to them.

12. A 69-year-old Florida man was arrested on Sunday for threatening his teenage step-grandson with a machete after his chihuahua pooped on the couch. That story again, Florida.

13. This week Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to cancer. So. now we just sit back and wait to see what crazy thing Trump does to Perry in retaliation.

14. This week, the White House launched a Twitter account named “Ask the Iran Deal” to answer any questions people have about the new nuclear agreement. You know, because 140 characters should be more than enough to explain an extremely complex deal that took over 20 months to negotiate.

15. In a recently released deposition from a 10-year-old sexual assault case, comedian Bill Cosby said he was good at reading nonverbal clues that showed a woman was consenting to sex. And, even better at making those women nonverbal.

July 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, the average donation to Democrat Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is $145. Of which, on average, $100 is immediately donated to the presidential campaign of Donald Trump.

2. On Wednesday, Ferguson, Missouri named Andre Anderson its interim police chief. Anderson had the two qualities city officials were looking for, someone who is up for a challenge and hasn’t watched the news for a long time.

3. According to a new study, the number of teenagers having sex in the U.S. is at it lowest in the past 25 years. Which can only mean one thing, Bill Cosby is out of quaaludes.

4. According to a new study, Bill and Melinda Gates are the world’s wealthiest couple. That story again, the richest man in the world married a woman named Melinda.

5. A new study suggests, first-time mothers who have had a miscarriage or abortion early in a previous pregnancy may face an increased risk of complications during delivery. Especially if the abortion didn’t take.

6. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Orlando Magic will play a regular season game in London, marking the first time the Magic will return to England in over twenty years. Yet, there is still no word on when professional basketball will return to Philadelphia.

7. England’s Natural History Museum announced on Wednesday that its famous cast of a Diplodocus dinosaur, which lived millions of years ago, will go on tour throughout the U.K. in 2018. It’s a great backup plan for those who were unable to get tickets to see the Rolling Stones.

8. Campaign documents show that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has spent zero dollars on polling. Which is kinda like when you refuse to go to the doctor to avoid hearing bad news.

9. A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty of rigging a computer-based lotto game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. But, on the plus-side, he’s now the front-runner to take over for Sepp Blatter.

10. A new study found that women prefer penises that meet certain beauty standards. Luckily, for most men, they have been moisturizing their penises once a day for years, sometimes twice if “Baywatch” reruns are on.

July 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A surfing competition in South Africa was cancelled after a shark attacked one of the competitors. Begging the question, how can we get sharks to WNBA games?

2. On Tuesday, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy for president, becoming the 16th Republican candidate in a already crowded field. Which means, in many historically red states, like Alabama and Mississippi, the Republican primary ballot will be the longest thing voters have ever read.

3. An anti-abortion group on Tuesday released a second video it said showed that Planned Parenthood sells aborted fetal tissue, repeating allegations raised last week when the first such video surfaced. Two videos? Man, you’d think Planned Parenthood would be much better at getting rid of things.

4. On Tuesday, running back Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings “mutually agreed” to restructure the final three years of his contract so that he can retire as a Viking. Peterson said he was happy the two sides were able to find common ground and that he didn’t have to resort to “taking off his belt.”

5. A Pennsylvania couple has launched RentTheChicken.com, a website that allows consumers to rent chickens in response to soaring U.S. egg prices. Because what could go wrong by renting chickens to cost-conscience, hungry people?

6. Some security workers and baggage handlers at New York’s JFK and LaGuardia airports plan to strike starting tonight. Leaving travelers with the impossible choice of enduring even longer lines and delays at those airports or going to Newark.

7. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said on Tuesday that media reports that he and Italian real estate agent Alessandro Proto together purchased the island of St Thomas are “a total fabrication.” Saying, “I don’t need that asshole to by an island. I’m Warren fucking Buffett!”

8. The U.S. math team last week won the International Math Olympiad for the first time in 21 years. Which can only mean one thing, it was the first time in 21 years the U.S. math team sat next to the Chinese math team.

9. Speaking in front of hundreds at a rally in South Carolina on Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number. Graham knew something was amiss when he started getting pictures of dicks he didn’t recognize.

10. Speaking in front of hundreds at a rally in South Carolina on Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number. Which means Graham has learned the lesson all 20-something-year-old woman in New York already know, never give your number to Trump.

July 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, gold prices plunged more than 4 percent to a new five-year low. As a result, King Midas has gone back to stripping.

2. Last week, Intuit, the makers of TurboTax, told users they have until today to retrieve their 2014 taxes from the company’s servers before they are deleted forever. “Which means, after today, I’ll have a semi-believable excuse,” said Wesley Snipes.

3. On Monday, FIFA president Sepp Blatter was showered with fake paper money by a British comedian, delaying the start of a press conference. Those in attendance were disappointed by the delay, but not as disappointed as Blatter when he found out the money was fake.

4. Michel Platini has been installed by British book makers as the favorite to take over FIFA in the wake of former president Sepp Blatter’s corruption scandal. “I’ll take some of that action,” said Blatter.

5. Yesterday, MTV announced that singer Miley Cyrus will host this year’s Video Music Awards. “They’re still holding those awards, MTV told me they canceled them years ago,” said Miley’s dad Billy Ray.

6. A New Delhi start-up has developed the Pee Buddy, a single use funnel, made out of waterproof cardboard, which allows women to urinate without having to squat on a dirty toilet seat and risk infection. “Single use? Seems like a shame to throw those things away,” said R Kelly.

7. On Monday, hackers threatened to release the personal data of the more than 37 million subscribers to Ashley Madison, an online dating website that helps married individuals cheat on their spouses. And, in unrelated news, yesterday saw records sales in the flower shop industry.

8. On Monday, hackers threatened to release the personal data of the more than 37 million subscribers to Ashley Madison, an online dating website that helps married individuals cheat on their spouses. “That doesn’t affect me much,” said Tiger Woods, “as I’ve already been through those 37 million.”

9. A new study suggests black Americans are more likely to suffer sudden cardiac arrest than their white counterparts. No word on whether that is before or after the cop shoots them.

10. A day after a rainout, the Los Angeles Angels utilized a police helicopter to dry the field before Monday’s doubleheader against the Red Sox. The plan worked, but there was an awkward moment when the police chopper initially descended upon the field and the Angel’s bullpen yelled “Federales!” and scattered.