June 29, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Showtime announced that actor Russell Crowe will play Fox News founder Roger Ailes in a new miniseries. It is apparently the role Crowe has been preparing for for the past twelve years:

2. Brett Kavanaugh, a federal judge in Washington is the early favorite among political bettors to succeed Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who announced his retirement on Wednesday. So if you had Judge Brett Kavanaugh in your office Supreme Court pool, your office sucks.

3. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she was kicked out of a Virginia restaurant over the weekend because she works for President Trump. Said the restaurant owner, “That’s not the case at all, we just ran out of gravy.”

4. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen said he refused to pose for a picture with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Which is a pretty big insult coming from the guy who agreed to appear in “The Guilt Trip”:

5. Over the weekend, Zsa Zsa, a 9-year-old English bulldog, won the 2018 World’s Ugliest Dog content. Zsa Zsa is so ugly other digs sniff her face.

6. Joe Jackson died on Wednesday at the age of 89. He is survived by a very relieved Tito.

7. Last week, pair of gay male swans in Austria attacked several people to protect a discarded plastic cup in their nest that they treat like an egg. The last time a parent defended a piece of garbage mistaken for a child, Don Jr. was meeting with Russian at Trump Tower.

8. NASCAR radio broadcaster Wendy Venturini is in the hospital, but is doing fine after being struck by a car on Saturday. Said Venturini, “How was I suppose to know he was going to make a left?”

9. On Monday, President Trump tweeted that the Red Hen restaurant that refused to serve Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders “badly needs a paint job.” Because if Trump knows anything, it’s that you need a new paint job every single day:

10. Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is suing two of his children and a former business manager, accusing them of slandering him by saying he has dementia. But, in their defense, when a old man shouts “I’ve been to the moon,” they tend to be crazy too.

11. A Russian company asked a federal judge on Monday to dismiss charges brought against them by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, saying Mueller was unlawfully appointed and lacks prosecutorial authority. Hey, Russia, this is a federal court, you can’t just tell them what to do, this isn’t the White House.

12. According to a new study, Chinese men consume one-third of all cigarettes worldwide. While the other two-thirds are consumed by Keith Richards:

13. Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill suffered a broken rib after choking at a Senate lunch Thursday, where her Senate colleague Joe Manchin performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her. “A liberal female politician choking, that’s kind of my thing,” said Hillary.

14. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke on Tuesday deleted a photo of a sock he was wearing with President Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” campaign slogan on it after realizing he may have violated a law that prohibits federal employees from engaging in political activity. Thus marking the second time a politician got in trouble for tweeting a photo of himself wearing a sock:

15. Tiger Woods was spotted using a new putter at this week’s Quicken Loans National golf tournament. Not surprising, he’s always tinkering with his putz.

16. This week, while talking about increasing the number of judges on the border to deal with the immigration issue at a campaign rally, President Trump said “Where are you gonna find 5,000 people to be judges?” I don’t know, maybe try the alley-way behind ‘The Voice’:

17. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. The working title is “In Two Ferns”:

18. French President Emmanuel Macron met with Pope Francis this week for 57 minutes, setting a record for the longest meeting between the Pope and a head state. A record that will be broken next week when the Pope spends a quiet weekend at a New England bed and breakfast with Justin Trudeau:

19. While visiting a migrant detention facility on the country’s southern border, First Lady Melania Trump asked a six-year-old girl, “Did you make friends?” Said the little girl, “Bitch, do you know where you are?”

20. Houston Texans wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins believes President Donald Trump doesn’t understand the complexities of the protest movement in the NFL. So I guess, just add that to the long list of things Trump doesn’t understand:

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

June 15, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to handwriting experts, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s signature, penned on a historic agreement with President Trump on Tuesday, indicates his ambition and creativity. While Trump’s signature indicates that he forgot to take the cap off the pen:

2. A lesbian-led event called the Dyke March will be held next Saturday in New York City. Which answers the question of why it was so easy to book a softball field in Central Park that weekend.

3. It was announced this week that there will be a sequel to the 1980 horror movie ‘The Shining.’ The announcement was made by Roman Polanski to a 13-year-old girl he was trying to fuck.

4. A teacher in Pennsylvania was fired this week for taking bribes from her students in exchange for better grades. But, in the teacher’s defense, she was teaching AP Government.

5. There is a Japanese pop group that is composed of men all over the age of 80. The name of the band is “Get Those New Kids Off My Block.”

6. President Trump on Saturday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of making “false statements” about Trump. In fact. Trudeau made so many false statements about the president, Trump is considering naming him his personal physician:

7. Porsche announced this week that its first electric car will be called the Taycan. As in, “My penis is very small so I’ll be taycan this car.”

8. According to ‘Politico,’ President Trump has a habit of tearing up documents when he’s finished and there is a White House staffer whose sole job is to tape them back together. “Does that mean someone has my birthday card?” asked Don. Jr.

9. Sunday night, actor Robert DeNiro said “Fuck Trump,” during the live broadcast of the Tony Awards. Then, out of habit, after hearing those two words together on TV, Michael Cohen paid DeNiro $130,000.

10. During Sunday night’s Tony Awards, actor Robert DeNrio proclaimed “Fuck Trump,’ but CBS cut it out of the broadcast. If only the person who made that decision was also the editor for “Dirty Grandpa”:

11. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to Singapore for his meeting with President Trump to prevent intelligence officials from getting information on his health. Although, if you need to take a toilet with you wherever you go, I think I know all I need to know about your health.

12. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to this week’s summit with President Trump in Singapore. Ahh, the freedom to poop wherever you want, or, as it’s more commonly known, the New York City subway.

13. President Trump said on Tuesday North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had made an “unwavering commitment” to the complete denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. And Trump knows how strong an unwavering commitment can be:

14. After their historic meeting in Singapore, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump signed a joint statement. The statement was a proclamation of friendship, a promise to work together and a demand that the McRib be a year-round thing.

15. A Silicon Valley entrepreneur has proposed breaking up California into three states. Now comes the hard part, figuring out which part gets stuck with the Clippers.

16. Yesterday was President Trump’s birthday. To celebrate, Donald took the day off from work for the last 509 days:

17. According to ‘The New York Post’, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has been bragging to friends about having an affair with a married woman who he allegedly claims has “big boobs.” That story again, Rudy Giuliani has a cousin with really big knockers.

18. Scientists in Germany have developed a humanoid robot that hugs humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. They are still working out the kinks:

19. Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to deliver hugs to humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Because I can’t think off anything less stressful than being hugged against my will by a German robot.

June 8, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, ‘Cosmo’ published a story entitled “My husband loves leaving fruit in my vagina all day so he can eat it later.” Even worse, his favorite fruit is watermelon.

2. The original map of the Hundred Acre Woods from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction. Or, as it will be known after EPA chief Scott Pruitt gets his hands on the map, the Two Acre Woods.

3. The original map of the Hundred Acre Wood from the Winnie-the-Pooh children’s stories is set to go you for auction, with an estimate price tag of up to $200,000. “I really could have used that map before I got very lost,” said Chris Christie:

4. First Lady Melania Trump does not plan to attend the June 12 summit in Singapore with North Korea. Said Melania, “I don’t want to be in a room with a megalomaniac world leader, with a bad haircut that I don’t sleep with. Also, I’m not that fond of Kim Jong Un either.”

5. Democrats are worried that a CNN report on Monday that they are seeking subpoena records showing that EPA director Scott Pruitt used his staff to run personal errands, including trying to buy a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel, will hinder their investigation. Although that seems unlikely, I doubt Pruitt reads the news, if he did, he probably would have looked elsewhere for a used mattress.

6. First Lady Melania Trump, who has not been seen publicly for the past 24 days, attended an official White House event with President Donald Trump Monday afternoon. Or, as it’s more commonly known, proof of life.

7. A White House contractor wanted by police on an attempted first-degree murder charge was arrested as he came into work on Tuesday. The most shocking part of that story is that he was only a contractor and a not a full-time employee of the Trump White House.

8. A single parking space sold for $760,000 in Hong Kong this week. “No need,” said Billy Joel:

9. Wednesday was the 74-year anniversary of D-Day. Of course, if your friends with Anthony Weiner online, every day is D-Day:

10. According to a new government report, internet use by Americans increased in 2017, fueled by a rise among people with lower incomes. Well, party’s over, guess we gotta stop talking shit about poor people on here.

11. Scientists seeking new ways to fight drug-resistant superbugs have mapped the genomes of more than 3,000 bacteria, including samples of a bug taken from Alexander Fleming’s nose and a dysentery-causing strain from a World War One soldier. “I never thought I’d be so jealous of a guy who pulled a bug out of another guy’s nose,” said the scientist who had to study dysentery.

12. On Wednesday, President Trump took to Twitter to deny rumors that his wife Melania had a facelift. In fact, Melania is so against facelifts of any kind that she doesn’t even smile:

13. A new study found that transplanting bacteria from the feces of healthy people into a person’s intestines is just as effective as many antibiotic treatments. But, the pills are much harder to swallow.

14. On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that President Trump probably has the power to pardon himself. “Well, he has ample practice taking care of his own needs,” said Melania.

15. During an interview with CNN this week, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway accidentally referred to President Trump as “the commander in cheese.” But in Conway’s defense, Trump and American cheese have a lot in common, they are both orange, completely artificial, and will never get inside of Melania.

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.