January 26, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to his alleged-mistress Stormy Daniels, President Trump is deathly afraid of sharks. Is he afraid of all sharks or, like Charlottesville, does he make an exception for the great white ones?

2. According to reports, Matt Lauer’s wife has kicked him out of the house. Turns out he’s not the only Lauer who knows how to install a lock on a door.

3. On his last day in the Middle East, Vice President Mike Pence visited Israel’s historic Western Wall. “Look at this old, relic from a very long time ago,” said the wall.

4. The Weinstein Company has entered into exclusive negotiations to sell the studio to a group of investors led by former Obama administration official Maria Contreras-Sweet. It will be a nice change of pace for an Obama official to follow a sexual predator this time, instead of the other way around:

5. A car insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses, claiming they are more likely to get into accidents. Said one of those customers, “I’m brining you down, wait til everyone on Friendster hears about this!”

6. Last week, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. After which, I assume, he will go back to his day job as mayor of Munchkinland:

7. The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that North Korea will send 22 athletes to the Winter Games in the South Korea next month. The athletes said they look forward to representing North Korea this year and South Korea in 2022.

8. Twelve hours into the federal government shutdown, minority leader Chuck Schumer complained, “Negotiating with President Trump is like negotiating with Jell-O.” Said representatives from Jell-O, “Still not the worst publicity we’ve had”:

9. According to reports, ex-Trump staffer Omarosa Manigault Newman may have secretly recorded all of her conversations while working in the White House. If true, we may finally hear firsthand conversation only Omarosa was privy to, conversations like, “What is Omarosa doing here?” and “What the fuck is her job?”

10. According to a new survey, ten percent of Americans have never heard of Mike Pence. Said Pence, “Please tell me one of those people is Robert Mueller.”

11. During last weekend’s Woman’s March, the president of Planned Parenthood called on white women to do more to “save this country from itself.” In response, Hillary quietly excused herself to her punching wall:

12. On Monday, nominations for the Razzies, the awards for the worst movies of the year, were announced with “Transformers: The Last Knight” leading the way with nine nominations. Which is weird because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

13. Cybercriminals claim to be selling the Social Security numbers of babies on the dark web. “What about phone numbers?” asked Jared Fogel.


14. President Trump said on Monday that he would make a deal on immigration only if he sees it as beneficial for the country. Or if Melania starts to lose her looks.

15. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Of course Trump would have to be under oath because, as Melania will tell you, he’s way too heavy to be on top.

16. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Begging the question, does the oath count if your hand barely covers the Bible?:

17. Monday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Which means Donald saved some money by only having to send one bouquet:

18. A U.S. official appointed by President Donald Trump has resigned after CNN posted excerpts of him making racist and Islamophobic comments on a radio show he used to host. Asked whether they knew about the video, the Trump administration replied, “Why do you think we hired him?”

19. President Donald threatened on Thursday to withhold aid to the Palestinians if they did not pursue peace with Israel. But, the president should know that sometimes you have to support things even if you don’t want to:

20. Buyers who sign up early for new Trump-branded apartments in India are being given the chance to meet with Donald Trump Jr. Although, but if don’t have enough money to buy a condo, but still want to meet Don Jr., just tell him you have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

January 19, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump said the DACA immigration program is “most likely dead.” But, just to be sure, Paul Ryan wants to take away its healthcare.

2. White House physician Ronnie Jackson said President Trump is in good shape and credited that to genetics, saying “It’s just the way God made him.” That incredible story again, a man who saw Donald Trump naked, still believes that there is a God.

3. On Wednesday, Eric Trump defended his dad against allegations that he’s a racist, saying, “My father sees one color, green.” Which explains the President’s new immigration policy:

4. NBC said on Thursday it expects to set ad sales records for this year’s Super Bowl. “We’ll see about that,” said the Jacksonville Jaguars.

5. This week, a Frenchman who drank excessive amounts of alcohol and then drove 17 times round a roundabout said he had not heard the sirens when police finally brought him to a halt. Or, as a drunk driving in circles is called stateside, NASCAR.

6. Yesterday, White House doctor Ronnie Jackson delivered the results of Donald Trump’s physical examination. Doctor Jackson said, in his medical opinion, President Trump is generally in good shape, could stand to lose a few pounds and is undoubted the least racist person he has ever examined.

7. President Trump defended himself Sunday night after several days of controversy over his remarks about African countries, telling reporters, “I am not a racist.” Which I find hard to believe, because if the majority of your exposure to the African-American community is through Omarosa, how could you not be?

8. This week, Minnie Mouse received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In response, still-star-less Goofy sad something that rhymed with “Aw shucks!”

9. A new biography of French first lady Brigitte Macron claims her husband penned a racy novel inspired by their early romance, when he was still a teenager and she his married drama teacher. Thus combining two things Donald Trump hates, men with older women and reading.

10. T Children and teens who spend a lot of time with their grandparents may be less likely than peers who don’t to have negative and stereotypical ideas about the elderly. Counterpoint:

11. According to a new report, President Trump likes Starburst candy, but only eats the red and pink flavors. Just another example of no one liking the orange ones:

12. The Honda Accord won Car of the Year this week at the Detroit Auto Show. And, considering the show took place in Detroit, I’m guessing this was the runner-up:

13. The Ritz-Carlton in Riyadh, a 492-room hotel converted into a prison by the Saudis, will reopen to guests next month. A fancy estate that also serves as a prison, or, as Melania refers to it, the White House.

14. According to a new study, the incidence of hip fractures in older women in the U.S. is on the rise. “You’re welcome,” said the makers of Cialis,

15. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ in 2016, Donald Trump paid ‘hush money’ to a porn star he had an affair with in 2006. “This story is going to ruin my reputation,” said the woman who has sex on camera, with strangers, for money.

16. Fox News killed a story during the presidential race that detailed an alleged sexual relationship between porn actress “Stormy Daniels” and then-candidate Donald Trump. Fox made the decision because the story didn’t comply with their strict guidelines, meaning it didn’t contain the words ‘Obama,’ ‘secret’ or ‘Muslim.’

17. Russia is setting up a supercomputer meant to improve weather forecasts ahead of this year’s soccer World Cup finals. Hey, Russia, if you don’t want the world to think you’re an evil superpower, maybe don’t try to develop a machine that controls the world’s weather.

18. After reviewing the medical records of the President released by the White House on Tuesday, Dr. Sanjay Gupta diagnosed President Trump with a common form of heart disease. The most surprising part of that finding is that Donald Trump has a heart.

19. On Wednesday, in response to his physical exam results, President Trump said, “I get more exercise than people think … I mean, I walk, I this, I that.” Although, it seems like a pretty good indicator that maybe you don’t exercise that much when you can’t even think of a second or third example.

20. According to reports, Donald Trump told Stormy Daniels, the pornstar he allegedly had an affair with, that she was, “Just like my daughter.” Well, I hope not, because you had sex with Stormy.

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them:

January 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of Egyptian soccer players have formed a team for one-legged players. That story again, a group of Egyptians invented foosball:

2. According to a soon-to-be released book, President Trump strips the linens off his own bed in the White House. Or, as it is known when he’s in Russia, destroying the evidence.

3. In response to Steve Bannon’s recent critical comments, President Trump said, “When [Bannon] was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.” And, according to Anthony Scaramucci, he also lost a few ribs:

4. According to excerpts from an upcoming tell-all book, First Lady Melania Trump didn’t want Donald to win the presidency, and cried on election night. But, to be fair, Melania cries most nights.

5. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch announced that he is retiring after serving over four decades in Congress. Hopefully they’ll be able to find another old white guy somewhere in Utah to replace him.

6. Vin Diesel was the highest grossing actor of 2017. While Kevin Spacey was the gross-est.

7. According to Google, ‘Hurricane Irma’ and ‘Matt Lauer’ were among the top searched terms of 2017. Apparently people were interested in finding out more about a devastating event that ruined many peoples lives and Hurricane Irma.

8. On Monday, 400 fans braved 2-degree temperatures to greet the Bills at Buffalo Niagara International Airport after Buffalo beat Miami Sunday to clinch its first playoff berth in 17 years. Because nothing says celebration like leaving Miami for Buffalo in the middle of December.

9. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Said Lauer, “Two women … NICE!”

10. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Which means Hoda will leave her current role as co-host of the ‘Today Show’s’ fourth hour and co-host Kathie Lee will question if Hoda ever existed or was just a Chardonnay-fueled hallucination.

11. President Trump rang in the new year the same way he has for more than a decade, holding an opulent gala at his Mar-a-Lago club. While Melania also rang in the new year in her typical fashion, by being as far away from Donald as possible when the clock struck midnight

12. President Trump said on Monday the United States has “foolishly” handed Pakistan more than $33 billion in aid over the last 15 years while getting nothing in return. Which explains Trump’s new nickname for Pakistan, “Don Jr.”

13. After five and half years, Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar restaurant in Times Square is closing its doors. “Thank God, it was really bringing property values in the area down,” said a guy in an Elmo costume masturbating in an alley.

14. According to new research, people who drink hot tea daily may be less likely to develop glaucoma symptoms. Which means the Queen smokes the ganj because she’s chill as fuck:

15. Boxer Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana resort on 40-acres of land in the remote Mojave Desert. A boxer with a notorious quick temper and an unlimited supply of mood altering drugs all taking place on a piece of land very far away from civilization, what could go wrong?